(no subject)
Billy said to me that he didn't think I was really happy in our relationship. I could say the same for him. For me, I find it really hard to be happy when I'm being kept in the closet, when I'm not around to go out with him like we used to, when rather than talking about things he lets them get out of hand. Its hard to be happy when you know the man you love refuses to take you out, or is too damn stubborn to know when things need to be talked about. It bothers me to no end that he never saw, even though I have been trying to talk to him about it for weeks. How can I be happy when I know he's hiding me? How the hell is it possible to still love a man even though he's ashamed and embarassed to be with you to the point of keeping you a secret? Its hard to be happy like that.
All I wanted was for us to be able to laugh and talk and have fun like we did before. But he won't allow that to happen. And he's not owning up to his half of the responsibility of how things ended up this way (both the first time around and this time around). I think its very harsh that he won't stop and understand that his actions (or lack thereof) affect me. And he can do something about that. He just won't.
It bothers me that he won't let me go out with him. I never get invited to go out to the bar, out to a movie, out to a concert. But when anyone else calls, he's right there. Even when Erin invited me out, I had to say no because I knew how furious he'd be with me if I said yes after he forbid me to come. How can a person be happy like that? Isn't the point of a relationship with someone to share good times and bond? Well I want to share more than the bed, and that seems to be all he'll let me share with him. He never talks to me about anything. I feel like such a small part of his life, and I don't know how he thinks that my insecurities come from nowhere.
If you were kept in the dark, if you were kept secret, if you never got to share anything with someone.... wouldn't you wonder, too?
I just don't understand any of this. He loves me, I know that. He was faithful to me, I am pretty sure of that. But he tells me that he is going to break up with me because he's going to cheat on me. So what is going on here is likely that he met someone else, or has someone else in mind, and rather than dealing with our troubles and getting through them, he's just going to drop me like the piece of trash I'm sure he sees me as, and go chase someone else. Why else would he be so quick to dump me again? Is it really so hard for him to talk to me and listen to me? How the hell are we supposed to get through any hard times without talking and making compromises for each other?
He doesn't want to compromise, though. Its his way or the highway, and I'm not okay with that. Its not fair for one person to get what they want in a relationship. Both should get what they want, and if they really do love each other they would work together to find that middle ground. I just feel like with Billy it was all take, and whenever I asked for something or told him why I'm upset he got angry with me and starting insulting me. If you love someone, why would you insult them when they're telling you what makes them happy? Wouldn't you want to make the one you love happy? Didn't he want things to be better between us? Didn't he want to go out and have fun with me again? And if he didn't then why was he with me?
I just don't understand. It hurts me so much because all of this was preventable. I told him that I wanted good time with him. I wanted to be able to go out and do fun stuff with him, like his friends do. Its hard for me to be relaxed and happy when I know he's deliberately witholding that from me. It makes me feel like a dog begging for a scrap and that's not how a person should feel in a relationship. All I wanted was for us to go out and have fun together. Make some new memories.
We had plans to go out when he got home. That's fine, and I am happy about that, but it still bothers me that he'll make plans to go to Florida for a weekend with a girl he just met, but he wouldn't take off to Vancouver with me for a weekend. That bothers me. It makes me feel like I'm not worth hanging out with. He doesn't understand that. And he doesn't understand that I don't care about who he hangs out with. Its the fact that everyone but me can do it that bothers me. I'm the only one that's not allowed to. I'm the one being singled out. That bothers me.
But he was unwilling to listen to me, and he was unwilling to talk with me and really understand why I feel this way. He just got mad and called me names. So fine. I'll be in school. I'll be horseback riding a few days a week. I'll be hanging out with friends. And I will miss him sorely and terribly. I will miss us laughing and having fun together. I will miss cuddling in bed in the morning. I will miss playing video games together. But I won't miss him getting angry at me rather than actually putting effort into things. I won't miss feeling disposable, and then wondering why I feel so bad. I won't miss him being stubborn, not seeming to want to be bothered to help make things better. I won't miss the bigot who seems to think that I have all the responsibility in this relationship - that its my job and my job alone to make things change.
I love him more than any man. I only want to be with him. But how can I be with someone who won't give me the room for change? How can I be with a man who hides me away like some dirty secret? How can I be with someone who doesn't seem to care at all for how I feel and acknowledge the fact that he has a role in how I feel. I don't want us to end. I don't want us to fight. I want us to talk and to work through things and to not always be at each other's throats. I've tried my best. I have talked and done my best to listen, but it doesn't seem like he's ready. He doesn't want to stop fighting. He gets mad over such stupid little things, and I suffer for it. Nothing makes me sadder than him being mad with me. I don't know why its so hard for him to just stop fighting every step of the way.
I thought things were getting better. Before he left, we had a great day, and we made plans to go out together when he got home. But I still feel sour about being kept hidden. He's gone and I'm going through alot right now. I'm stressed out and I'm unhappy and I just want him to come home so I can have a hug from him. He gives the best hugs. But instead, somehow it turned out that he got angry with me because I was talking to him about how I feel. I don't think that's fair. He might not agree with how I feel but wouldn't he want to make me feel better? I'm stressed, I'm upset, I haven't slept right in a few days, I'm hardly eating, and I just want to talk to him and have him tell me he loves me and that he misses me. I'm insecure, I'm scared that he doesn't really love me anymore. But instead of telling me that he does still care, he breaks up with me. And tells me what I needed to hear from him all along AFTER he breaks up with me. I don't want to be without him. I don't want this to be over over something so stupid, something that could have easily been dealt with before this point. But I guess even though we were making improvements, changing how we deal with things and how we talk (or don't talk) was what needed improvements more than anything else. You can't have a happy relationship when you're constantly either fighting with or ignoring someone who just wants to talk with you.
I can't understand why he allows things to turn out this way. Why is he so gung-ho to be angry with me and to call me names? Why, if he loves me so much, does he hurt me so much? And through it all I still love him - something I don't think he can say for himself. I still love him and I would still do everything I could to please him. But it didn't work because he wouldn't give back what I was giving. He didn't want us to work out. If he did, he would have done things differently. If he really wanted us to work out, he would have talked with me long before things got out of hand.
I'm bitter and I'm sad and I'm extremely hurt. I just don't understand why breaking up with me is supposed to avoid hurting me. He says he's sorry, but I don't think he is. Someone who is sorry is someone who wants to not do that again. A sorry person will do anything they can to avoid whatever they are sorry about. I just don't understand why we couldn't talk. I tried so many times to talk with him, but he got upset with me. He wouldn't listen. I don't want to feel like the man who loves me doesn't care enough to listen. That's no way to make a girl feel.
By the time he gets back, I'll be different. I'll be busier, a hell of alot skinnier if I keep going the way I've been going, and I'll feel better about myself because for one I'll be going somewhere in school, and for two I won't have Billy to somehow manage to make me feel bad. I know he doesn't mean to, but somehow he manages to make me feel so bad about myself because he doesn't act like someone who is in love with me.
That breaks my heart more than anything, and that's what everything for me is about. I've tried talking to him so many times. This is what it all comes down to. I just don't feel like I'm being treated like someone Billy is in love with. He does more with his friends than he does with his girlfriend. He tells them more, shares with them more, has more outings and such. I just never felt like he really was happy being back together with me. And rather than giving me a little bit of reassurance now and then (which would have ended this for me a long time ago) he ridiculed me and made me feel even worse. Why does he love me but hurt me? Is it just his way of doing things or is it just me? I don't understand him and that's all I want. I want to understand him so I know what his behaviours are so I know what to take personally and what not to take personally. Am I the only one he ignores when he doesn't want to listen? Am I the only one he doesn't want to listen to? Am I the only one he won't go out with? What is only me and what is him. I want to love him but he's hard to love when he's always so defensive and prickly. But it just makes me want to try harder because I know that there's a wonderful man in there, and I've seen him before, and I just wish that he could trust me enough to let his weaker side out. I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to be hurt. I just want to be in love with him and be happy. I didn't think that was too much to ask for.
All I wanted was for us to be able to laugh and talk and have fun like we did before. But he won't allow that to happen. And he's not owning up to his half of the responsibility of how things ended up this way (both the first time around and this time around). I think its very harsh that he won't stop and understand that his actions (or lack thereof) affect me. And he can do something about that. He just won't.
It bothers me that he won't let me go out with him. I never get invited to go out to the bar, out to a movie, out to a concert. But when anyone else calls, he's right there. Even when Erin invited me out, I had to say no because I knew how furious he'd be with me if I said yes after he forbid me to come. How can a person be happy like that? Isn't the point of a relationship with someone to share good times and bond? Well I want to share more than the bed, and that seems to be all he'll let me share with him. He never talks to me about anything. I feel like such a small part of his life, and I don't know how he thinks that my insecurities come from nowhere.
If you were kept in the dark, if you were kept secret, if you never got to share anything with someone.... wouldn't you wonder, too?
I just don't understand any of this. He loves me, I know that. He was faithful to me, I am pretty sure of that. But he tells me that he is going to break up with me because he's going to cheat on me. So what is going on here is likely that he met someone else, or has someone else in mind, and rather than dealing with our troubles and getting through them, he's just going to drop me like the piece of trash I'm sure he sees me as, and go chase someone else. Why else would he be so quick to dump me again? Is it really so hard for him to talk to me and listen to me? How the hell are we supposed to get through any hard times without talking and making compromises for each other?
He doesn't want to compromise, though. Its his way or the highway, and I'm not okay with that. Its not fair for one person to get what they want in a relationship. Both should get what they want, and if they really do love each other they would work together to find that middle ground. I just feel like with Billy it was all take, and whenever I asked for something or told him why I'm upset he got angry with me and starting insulting me. If you love someone, why would you insult them when they're telling you what makes them happy? Wouldn't you want to make the one you love happy? Didn't he want things to be better between us? Didn't he want to go out and have fun with me again? And if he didn't then why was he with me?
I just don't understand. It hurts me so much because all of this was preventable. I told him that I wanted good time with him. I wanted to be able to go out and do fun stuff with him, like his friends do. Its hard for me to be relaxed and happy when I know he's deliberately witholding that from me. It makes me feel like a dog begging for a scrap and that's not how a person should feel in a relationship. All I wanted was for us to go out and have fun together. Make some new memories.
We had plans to go out when he got home. That's fine, and I am happy about that, but it still bothers me that he'll make plans to go to Florida for a weekend with a girl he just met, but he wouldn't take off to Vancouver with me for a weekend. That bothers me. It makes me feel like I'm not worth hanging out with. He doesn't understand that. And he doesn't understand that I don't care about who he hangs out with. Its the fact that everyone but me can do it that bothers me. I'm the only one that's not allowed to. I'm the one being singled out. That bothers me.
But he was unwilling to listen to me, and he was unwilling to talk with me and really understand why I feel this way. He just got mad and called me names. So fine. I'll be in school. I'll be horseback riding a few days a week. I'll be hanging out with friends. And I will miss him sorely and terribly. I will miss us laughing and having fun together. I will miss cuddling in bed in the morning. I will miss playing video games together. But I won't miss him getting angry at me rather than actually putting effort into things. I won't miss feeling disposable, and then wondering why I feel so bad. I won't miss him being stubborn, not seeming to want to be bothered to help make things better. I won't miss the bigot who seems to think that I have all the responsibility in this relationship - that its my job and my job alone to make things change.
I love him more than any man. I only want to be with him. But how can I be with someone who won't give me the room for change? How can I be with a man who hides me away like some dirty secret? How can I be with someone who doesn't seem to care at all for how I feel and acknowledge the fact that he has a role in how I feel. I don't want us to end. I don't want us to fight. I want us to talk and to work through things and to not always be at each other's throats. I've tried my best. I have talked and done my best to listen, but it doesn't seem like he's ready. He doesn't want to stop fighting. He gets mad over such stupid little things, and I suffer for it. Nothing makes me sadder than him being mad with me. I don't know why its so hard for him to just stop fighting every step of the way.
I thought things were getting better. Before he left, we had a great day, and we made plans to go out together when he got home. But I still feel sour about being kept hidden. He's gone and I'm going through alot right now. I'm stressed out and I'm unhappy and I just want him to come home so I can have a hug from him. He gives the best hugs. But instead, somehow it turned out that he got angry with me because I was talking to him about how I feel. I don't think that's fair. He might not agree with how I feel but wouldn't he want to make me feel better? I'm stressed, I'm upset, I haven't slept right in a few days, I'm hardly eating, and I just want to talk to him and have him tell me he loves me and that he misses me. I'm insecure, I'm scared that he doesn't really love me anymore. But instead of telling me that he does still care, he breaks up with me. And tells me what I needed to hear from him all along AFTER he breaks up with me. I don't want to be without him. I don't want this to be over over something so stupid, something that could have easily been dealt with before this point. But I guess even though we were making improvements, changing how we deal with things and how we talk (or don't talk) was what needed improvements more than anything else. You can't have a happy relationship when you're constantly either fighting with or ignoring someone who just wants to talk with you.
I can't understand why he allows things to turn out this way. Why is he so gung-ho to be angry with me and to call me names? Why, if he loves me so much, does he hurt me so much? And through it all I still love him - something I don't think he can say for himself. I still love him and I would still do everything I could to please him. But it didn't work because he wouldn't give back what I was giving. He didn't want us to work out. If he did, he would have done things differently. If he really wanted us to work out, he would have talked with me long before things got out of hand.
I'm bitter and I'm sad and I'm extremely hurt. I just don't understand why breaking up with me is supposed to avoid hurting me. He says he's sorry, but I don't think he is. Someone who is sorry is someone who wants to not do that again. A sorry person will do anything they can to avoid whatever they are sorry about. I just don't understand why we couldn't talk. I tried so many times to talk with him, but he got upset with me. He wouldn't listen. I don't want to feel like the man who loves me doesn't care enough to listen. That's no way to make a girl feel.
By the time he gets back, I'll be different. I'll be busier, a hell of alot skinnier if I keep going the way I've been going, and I'll feel better about myself because for one I'll be going somewhere in school, and for two I won't have Billy to somehow manage to make me feel bad. I know he doesn't mean to, but somehow he manages to make me feel so bad about myself because he doesn't act like someone who is in love with me.
That breaks my heart more than anything, and that's what everything for me is about. I've tried talking to him so many times. This is what it all comes down to. I just don't feel like I'm being treated like someone Billy is in love with. He does more with his friends than he does with his girlfriend. He tells them more, shares with them more, has more outings and such. I just never felt like he really was happy being back together with me. And rather than giving me a little bit of reassurance now and then (which would have ended this for me a long time ago) he ridiculed me and made me feel even worse. Why does he love me but hurt me? Is it just his way of doing things or is it just me? I don't understand him and that's all I want. I want to understand him so I know what his behaviours are so I know what to take personally and what not to take personally. Am I the only one he ignores when he doesn't want to listen? Am I the only one he doesn't want to listen to? Am I the only one he won't go out with? What is only me and what is him. I want to love him but he's hard to love when he's always so defensive and prickly. But it just makes me want to try harder because I know that there's a wonderful man in there, and I've seen him before, and I just wish that he could trust me enough to let his weaker side out. I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to be hurt. I just want to be in love with him and be happy. I didn't think that was too much to ask for.