(no subject)
Well, I'm single again. Whoopty doo. It really sucks because I have so many concerns and only AFTER Billy breaks up with me does he talk to me about this stuff and tell me what I needed to hear all along. Why is that? Why do people always do the right thing too late? Oh well, there's nothing much I can do about it.
He was telling me about how I just need to relax and let things be what they are and not beat myself up everytime something goes wrong. Its not the end of the world. Well even though its too late to save our relationship, I'm going to take his advice.
I was going to leave town and start over in Ottawa where my friends are, but I stopped and thought that that's not fair to me. I'm going back to school, going back to counselling and getting my life sorted out. I can't just walk away from that because Billy broke up with me.
It does make me really sad that he can't wait for me to get my shit back together again, but its his loss. I'm making so many changes and although its hard on me I know its the right thing to do. I'm going to be a better, healthier, happier girl than I have been in years. And one day I will meet a good man who will talk to me before its too late. A man who won't let things get so out of hand.
That's all I need right now. Someone to slap me when I'm being an idiot. Before I go too far. Someone to remind me of the good things and to tell me that I am a good person and that I am getting better. Billy wasn't able to do that for me and now we ended again. I'm so sad that its over between us, but its probably for the best. Its hard for me to be better when I constantly feel under scrutiny by him. Now I can do the things I want to do and not feel like I'm still being looked at under a microscope.
I will miss him and its going to be hard to get over him, but with school and changing jobs and moving out on my own and joining groups and stuff will help me immensely. Its hard for me to go out and be social, I'm not a naturally social person. It always helped me to know someone that I was going out with, so that I could at least feel comfortable with one person in the group. But I'm going to bite the bullet and stop fucking around. Billy was right about that. I can't stop myself from doing the things I want to do because of insecurities. Its healthy to go out and have friends and to do things. I haven't been doing that.
We started out great together, and that's the kicker. I let myself start to fall back into my old habits. I lost touch with the friends I made over the summer and went back to spending all my time with Billy. That's what the root of the problem is. That's what started it all. If I still kept in touch with my friends, I wouldn't be worried about why he doesn't take me out, why he goes out with other people but not me. I really didn't know that he was as happy as he says he was with me. But there's nothing I can do but learn from this and move on. I can't dwell on things anymore.
I'm going to school, I'm moving into a new place, I'm going to get my ass out and meet people, as hard as it may be. I'm still going to do the things I was going to do even though we're broken up. I wanted to get better for myself, but for him, too. I'm sad that he won't be around to see the better Michelle that I know he deserves, but if he's not patient enough to wait out the bad stuff then I don't think we would have made it very far anyways.
So here's to being single, here's to still doing things for a man who doesn't want to be with you, and here's to starting over and being better. Even if no one will be there to appreciate and encourage it. Cheers to life and all its shittery
Funny how last night I had a dream Billy broke up with me. And he always ridcules me for my dreams....
He was telling me about how I just need to relax and let things be what they are and not beat myself up everytime something goes wrong. Its not the end of the world. Well even though its too late to save our relationship, I'm going to take his advice.
I was going to leave town and start over in Ottawa where my friends are, but I stopped and thought that that's not fair to me. I'm going back to school, going back to counselling and getting my life sorted out. I can't just walk away from that because Billy broke up with me.
It does make me really sad that he can't wait for me to get my shit back together again, but its his loss. I'm making so many changes and although its hard on me I know its the right thing to do. I'm going to be a better, healthier, happier girl than I have been in years. And one day I will meet a good man who will talk to me before its too late. A man who won't let things get so out of hand.
That's all I need right now. Someone to slap me when I'm being an idiot. Before I go too far. Someone to remind me of the good things and to tell me that I am a good person and that I am getting better. Billy wasn't able to do that for me and now we ended again. I'm so sad that its over between us, but its probably for the best. Its hard for me to be better when I constantly feel under scrutiny by him. Now I can do the things I want to do and not feel like I'm still being looked at under a microscope.
I will miss him and its going to be hard to get over him, but with school and changing jobs and moving out on my own and joining groups and stuff will help me immensely. Its hard for me to go out and be social, I'm not a naturally social person. It always helped me to know someone that I was going out with, so that I could at least feel comfortable with one person in the group. But I'm going to bite the bullet and stop fucking around. Billy was right about that. I can't stop myself from doing the things I want to do because of insecurities. Its healthy to go out and have friends and to do things. I haven't been doing that.
We started out great together, and that's the kicker. I let myself start to fall back into my old habits. I lost touch with the friends I made over the summer and went back to spending all my time with Billy. That's what the root of the problem is. That's what started it all. If I still kept in touch with my friends, I wouldn't be worried about why he doesn't take me out, why he goes out with other people but not me. I really didn't know that he was as happy as he says he was with me. But there's nothing I can do but learn from this and move on. I can't dwell on things anymore.
I'm going to school, I'm moving into a new place, I'm going to get my ass out and meet people, as hard as it may be. I'm still going to do the things I was going to do even though we're broken up. I wanted to get better for myself, but for him, too. I'm sad that he won't be around to see the better Michelle that I know he deserves, but if he's not patient enough to wait out the bad stuff then I don't think we would have made it very far anyways.
So here's to being single, here's to still doing things for a man who doesn't want to be with you, and here's to starting over and being better. Even if no one will be there to appreciate and encourage it. Cheers to life and all its shittery
Funny how last night I had a dream Billy broke up with me. And he always ridcules me for my dreams....