(no subject)
Boyfriends are weird. Boys are weird. I can probably count on one finger all of the straight male friends I've ever had. And I've definitely never had a straight male bestie. I wouldn't call Chris a bestie, but I would call him a friend even beside the boyfriend sense... but barely. I am a guarded little mf-er with men, and it takes self control like you wouldn't believe to not lash out at/on him.
I hung out with Chris last night, and we went to get margaritas at Don Cuco's. I hate mexican food and sports bars, but I do like a little blended tequila, so I went with it. We sat there and football was, of course, on. I sipped my margarita or three and pictured our life together in the future. And by future, I mean the weeks or months to come... I am absolutely not thinking about eternity anymore. I glaze over when I watch sports. Not that i mind having it on... I mean, I'm still getting used to being around a man in general, and it's something I know he likes, so we do spend a moderate amount of time... watching sports.
"How to make this harmonious?", I wondered. I certainly cannot go on watching sports for his pleasure. But what are we to do together? I mean, when we're just hanging out. Just chillin', if you will. I looked up to him (quite literally) and said something along the lines of...
"I sort of see the future time we will be spending together going a little something like this... we'll be hanging out at my house, sitting in front of the fireplace, cuddling, and you'll be watching football while I'm reading some method acting book. So it'll be like... we'll be together but both... okay... you know, since we don't... like, what are we supposed to do together?" And I rambled on a little more and acted like a bit of an offensive fool.
He asked me what else I liked to do in an attempt to find some common ground, I guess, and I defensively answered back things like, "reading, meditating, yoga, writing." He said he would do yoga with me.
I'm such an over-intellectualizer it's not even funny. I'm so worried about our intellectual differences, and he's fine just "doing yoga" with me... he'll even see a musical with me. I'm so conscious of consciously entertaining that I have a hard time relaxing and allowing myself to be sensually persuaded at all. I'm so conscious of perfection in all areas of my life that relaxation is something I work too hard to get and, consequently, never (or rarely, rather) experience.
Some days are harder than others when it comes to handling the remains of myself in relation to my breakup with chloe. Today was one of them.
As I study acting more and more, I am forced to allow myself to feel things, all things, even unpleasant things. But there is an objectivity in the identifying of feelings that makes feeling them a little more bearable. I'm no pro, though. And acting is not a load of fun. It's humbling beyond belief, and it's very, very human. Today was certainly hard to deal with. It was a alot of allowing my senses to trigger whatever very unpleasant emotions they wanted. I gots ta be sensitive if I wants ta act good, tho'.
I wonder when sex will stop being so upsetting in general. Not that we've had "sex," but after gayhood in the lesbian realm, everything pretty much becomes sex. It's like I have this enormous, sombering emotional block... and I'm hoping it will clear up soon. I don't ever remember aving sex and feeling euphoric or even... I just remember a lot of... not goodness. HOLLER.
PS. I am going to a donald trump convention in chicago on thursday. B JEALOUZZZ>...