Things heard at work (part 2)
Today was a LONG day at work. I believe it was a combination of factors that make it feel so long - mostly due to the fact that I hate day shifts (they start at 7am and I'm not a morning person). Of course i heard some interesting things...
Carney sitting in the lounge with a pound of butter on his lap: oh I'm not going to eat it - its a support. A support butter. (i have to confess this one was earlier in the week not today)
***
Carney standing outside with a squirt bottle of stain remover upon being asked if he was doing laundry that early in the morning: oh no, i just found this container in the garbage and i thought it would be great for storing my reserves.
me: reserves of what?
Carney : oil.
Me: is there oil in there?
Carney : no, I just found it. I have to go find some oil - I'm not sure where to go get some, but i need to go get some oil and fill the bottle for my reserves.
Me: what do you need a reserve of oil for?
Carney : well because - you never know, the economy, you just never know.
***
Gramps: You want to know how many women i have?
Me: how many?
Gramps: about a thousand. That's pretty good for an old man - i'm 66 now, my birthday was last week you gave me a card.
Me: that's pretty good Gramps, how many kids do you have?
Gramps: about 50,000 kids. What about that George Burns guy? You know him?
Me: yeah, the comedian?
Gramps: Yeah, he was 100 or something and he had lots of women - but no kids. He must have been sterile. well see he had this wife and he just couldn't get her pregnant - but that doesn't explain all the other women ya know.
Me: well he could have worn a condom.
Gramps: What?
Me: a condom - so that the women didn't get pregnant
Gramps: well yes of course, he could have worn a condom. But that doesn't explain his wife - she never had any kids
Me: i don't know gramps.
Gramps: see you later then (slams the door behind him)
***
007: I was defending your honour last night ya know
Me: oh yeah?
007: Yeah, I fought them and they tried to break my leg in two but the couldn't because (pounds fist on chest) I'm as thick as a brick
Me: oh, wow thanks - who was doing that?
007: oh i can't tell you that!
***
007 to my boss: I believe you owe me some money.
boss: what do you mean?
007: well I've been working the night shift for months and I haven't been paid (he thinks that he works as a security guard at night)
boss: really? oh - you're not on the payroll so I can't pay you.
007: So I'm doing all of this work for free?
boss: I guess so.
007: hm. Well, in that case I'll be giving you my notice, i don't know about this whole working for free thing.
***
Resident: What is the first thing you say to your boyfriend when he comes out of the bathroom?
Me: i don't know - what?
Resident: Did everything come out alright?
Carney sitting in the lounge with a pound of butter on his lap: oh I'm not going to eat it - its a support. A support butter. (i have to confess this one was earlier in the week not today)
***
Carney standing outside with a squirt bottle of stain remover upon being asked if he was doing laundry that early in the morning: oh no, i just found this container in the garbage and i thought it would be great for storing my reserves.
me: reserves of what?
Carney : oil.
Me: is there oil in there?
Carney : no, I just found it. I have to go find some oil - I'm not sure where to go get some, but i need to go get some oil and fill the bottle for my reserves.
Me: what do you need a reserve of oil for?
Carney : well because - you never know, the economy, you just never know.
***
Gramps: You want to know how many women i have?
Me: how many?
Gramps: about a thousand. That's pretty good for an old man - i'm 66 now, my birthday was last week you gave me a card.
Me: that's pretty good Gramps, how many kids do you have?
Gramps: about 50,000 kids. What about that George Burns guy? You know him?
Me: yeah, the comedian?
Gramps: Yeah, he was 100 or something and he had lots of women - but no kids. He must have been sterile. well see he had this wife and he just couldn't get her pregnant - but that doesn't explain all the other women ya know.
Me: well he could have worn a condom.
Gramps: What?
Me: a condom - so that the women didn't get pregnant
Gramps: well yes of course, he could have worn a condom. But that doesn't explain his wife - she never had any kids
Me: i don't know gramps.
Gramps: see you later then (slams the door behind him)
***
007: I was defending your honour last night ya know
Me: oh yeah?
007: Yeah, I fought them and they tried to break my leg in two but the couldn't because (pounds fist on chest) I'm as thick as a brick
Me: oh, wow thanks - who was doing that?
007: oh i can't tell you that!
***
007 to my boss: I believe you owe me some money.
boss: what do you mean?
007: well I've been working the night shift for months and I haven't been paid (he thinks that he works as a security guard at night)
boss: really? oh - you're not on the payroll so I can't pay you.
007: So I'm doing all of this work for free?
boss: I guess so.
007: hm. Well, in that case I'll be giving you my notice, i don't know about this whole working for free thing.
***
Resident: What is the first thing you say to your boyfriend when he comes out of the bathroom?
Me: i don't know - what?
Resident: Did everything come out alright?