(no subject)
Wow
I've been clueless the whole day. This ENTIRE day, i've gone on thinking it was tuesday. I really am not sure why, but i did. This is crazy. I need to stop thinking so much. My head is going to explode.
Well, Jenni is disappointed in me, as are my parents, as is Alyssa, as is Krystal. They all know why. Jordan, on the other hand, thinks i'm doing the right thing Jordan if you don't know what i'm talking about from just that little sentence i'll fill you in) I seem to be the only one without a solid opinion. And for this particular situation, my judgement is really the only one that matters. I say I dug myself into a hole, and i'm not exactly sure how to get out of it. I mean there is a way out of everything right? I think i'm just scared o make the wrong desicion. Everytime it comes to something where it's just a matter of how you want to do things (no REAL right and wrong) I seem to make the wrong one anyway (even if there isnt a wrong it just seems to turn out that way)
Maybe i have multiple personalities.
Caught myself again, dwelling on something that doesn't need to be dwelled over. Talking to my journal (considering my journal can't talk back) is just a waste of time. I'm not even sure exactly why i'm writing this actually.
Then again, this stupid.. AHH has no solution. I lose no matter what. I say it's bullshit. I say i speak up about it, but I can't because i'm too much of a chicken shit too. Doesn't matter if i did anyway, i think i waited too long for anything to have any effect at all. This isn't a newly arising situation. It's been on-going. I've just been silently duking it out with myself about it in my head. And people wonder why i'm always writing stuff down. I'm trying to solve things silently. I'm trying to ignore everything. ITS NOT WORKING.
Alright here,
People do NOT tell me to cheer up tonight.. not this night. I do NOT cheer up. I FAKE IT! I'm sick of walking around pretending everything is perfectly fine. Smiling for everyone that passes by me. I'm sick of being the good friend that everyone runs to with there information. I AM SICK OF BEING THE DOORMAT FRIEND TO THOSE THAT RUIN MY LIFE. Yes people.. this is the meaning of Ragdoll.. I am a human doormat to some. Thrown around (emotionally) because it's easy to do. Those some effect my life deeply. Not directly but the some it applies to has a direct effect on ME AND CHRIS. I can't cator to everyone all the damn time. Always trying to make everyone else smile. It drives me insane. Because everytime i do, i end up having to hurt myself. And i'd say i'm hurt enought right about now. So if we could please stop pushing me out of the way and trying to ruin (which i may add you were quite successful at, i commend you) the only thing i care about at this point in time and take time out from making my life a living hell I would appreciate it DEEPLY!! - to Heaven. THANKS.
Alright i mainly have three or so options.
A. I try my hardest for the remainder of the time he's here and give it my all trying to get back what i had. ( i really am ready to try anything o be with him =/ )
B. I let it go, let it eat at my brain and never ever bring it up again. Ignore it untill it goes away (no matter how long it takes)
C. Talk to him.. again.. for the third time. And probably get no results.. again.. for the third time.
I feel like i can't do anything but ignore it though. I can only try so ard before i give up. I'm discouraged and i'm sort of feeling liek nothing is going to work. And i'm afraid of the end result. Knowing myself i'll say the wrong thing or bring up the wrong thing t the wrong time like i have done the other times in the past
I am REALLY discouraged and have NO CLUE WHAT TO DO.. i need help poeple..
Damn.. ok heres the deal. I tried to ignore everything. I tried avoiding Chris. That doesn't work. I really did try, and then he came up to me and started talking to me. I was extremely pissed because of him. Almost about as pisse as i'd ever been, needless to say.. he made me laugh. For christ's sake i dont even know if anyone but you poeple know i still like him.. ALOT. I have not said a word to anyone about him but you guys (including him) Jenny says i should talk to him about it. I want to, i really do. But what am i to say? I think i've said enoug to him. I think that i'm blind. That must be the problem. AHH!!!.. Alright well look here i've done enough bitching to the journal for one day i'm going to go write and realy and curse myself because apparently i'm dumb. I dont even know.. you might as well disregard this (it's all true) but it's nothing you guys need to know. I'm just venting.
x3 - Feel free to gimme' a good toss
-> Your Ragdoll
I've been clueless the whole day. This ENTIRE day, i've gone on thinking it was tuesday. I really am not sure why, but i did. This is crazy. I need to stop thinking so much. My head is going to explode.
Well, Jenni is disappointed in me, as are my parents, as is Alyssa, as is Krystal. They all know why. Jordan, on the other hand, thinks i'm doing the right thing Jordan if you don't know what i'm talking about from just that little sentence i'll fill you in) I seem to be the only one without a solid opinion. And for this particular situation, my judgement is really the only one that matters. I say I dug myself into a hole, and i'm not exactly sure how to get out of it. I mean there is a way out of everything right? I think i'm just scared o make the wrong desicion. Everytime it comes to something where it's just a matter of how you want to do things (no REAL right and wrong) I seem to make the wrong one anyway (even if there isnt a wrong it just seems to turn out that way)
Maybe i have multiple personalities.
Caught myself again, dwelling on something that doesn't need to be dwelled over. Talking to my journal (considering my journal can't talk back) is just a waste of time. I'm not even sure exactly why i'm writing this actually.
Then again, this stupid.. AHH has no solution. I lose no matter what. I say it's bullshit. I say i speak up about it, but I can't because i'm too much of a chicken shit too. Doesn't matter if i did anyway, i think i waited too long for anything to have any effect at all. This isn't a newly arising situation. It's been on-going. I've just been silently duking it out with myself about it in my head. And people wonder why i'm always writing stuff down. I'm trying to solve things silently. I'm trying to ignore everything. ITS NOT WORKING.
Alright here,
People do NOT tell me to cheer up tonight.. not this night. I do NOT cheer up. I FAKE IT! I'm sick of walking around pretending everything is perfectly fine. Smiling for everyone that passes by me. I'm sick of being the good friend that everyone runs to with there information. I AM SICK OF BEING THE DOORMAT FRIEND TO THOSE THAT RUIN MY LIFE. Yes people.. this is the meaning of Ragdoll.. I am a human doormat to some. Thrown around (emotionally) because it's easy to do. Those some effect my life deeply. Not directly but the some it applies to has a direct effect on ME AND CHRIS. I can't cator to everyone all the damn time. Always trying to make everyone else smile. It drives me insane. Because everytime i do, i end up having to hurt myself. And i'd say i'm hurt enought right about now. So if we could please stop pushing me out of the way and trying to ruin (which i may add you were quite successful at, i commend you) the only thing i care about at this point in time and take time out from making my life a living hell I would appreciate it DEEPLY!! - to Heaven. THANKS.
Alright i mainly have three or so options.
A. I try my hardest for the remainder of the time he's here and give it my all trying to get back what i had. ( i really am ready to try anything o be with him =/ )
B. I let it go, let it eat at my brain and never ever bring it up again. Ignore it untill it goes away (no matter how long it takes)
C. Talk to him.. again.. for the third time. And probably get no results.. again.. for the third time.
I feel like i can't do anything but ignore it though. I can only try so ard before i give up. I'm discouraged and i'm sort of feeling liek nothing is going to work. And i'm afraid of the end result. Knowing myself i'll say the wrong thing or bring up the wrong thing t the wrong time like i have done the other times in the past
I am REALLY discouraged and have NO CLUE WHAT TO DO.. i need help poeple..
Damn.. ok heres the deal. I tried to ignore everything. I tried avoiding Chris. That doesn't work. I really did try, and then he came up to me and started talking to me. I was extremely pissed because of him. Almost about as pisse as i'd ever been, needless to say.. he made me laugh. For christ's sake i dont even know if anyone but you poeple know i still like him.. ALOT. I have not said a word to anyone about him but you guys (including him) Jenny says i should talk to him about it. I want to, i really do. But what am i to say? I think i've said enoug to him. I think that i'm blind. That must be the problem. AHH!!!.. Alright well look here i've done enough bitching to the journal for one day i'm going to go write and realy and curse myself because apparently i'm dumb. I dont even know.. you might as well disregard this (it's all true) but it's nothing you guys need to know. I'm just venting.
x3 - Feel free to gimme' a good toss
-> Your Ragdoll