Bad Book Blog: Week 5
Week 5: Chapters 10 through 13
*Whack whack whack whack whack whack whack whack whack!*
Folks, this is going to be a painful one. There are no words for the crap we’re about to endure, so just hold on tight, and pray that you have a stronger head than me.
Although, on the plus side, something sort of happens. I think. I mean, I guess, everything moves so slowly, for all I know I’m smack dab in the middle of the plot and just didn’t even realize it.
So, last chapter ended with Eragon deciding to head home to protect his uncle, since, you know, those strangers now know where he lives and they almost killed him and all. So what does he do when he sees his uncle standing there, and he has the perfect opportunity to warn his uncle that his life is in danger? That’s right!
He walks away to find Saphira.
*Whack!* And thus kills any real characterization that Eragon could possibly have; his uncle is in danger, and he walks away. Apparently it’s because he thinks Garrow would be more likely to believe that he’s in danger if he sees the dragon. Keep in mind folks, the Ringwraiths don’t know that the paperweight hatched yet, so all Eragon really has to do is tell his uncle that there are people asking about that, people who are extremely dangerous, but instead he decides to wait even longer so he can tell his uncle the whole story, instead of waiting until after they’re safe to do it. Don’t ask, it doesn’t make any sense to me either, and I’m an English Major.
Well, Eragon proves once again that he was the worst character imaginable to write a story about when he leaves his uncle and calls for the most useless, pathetic dragon in the history of dragons. You’ll see why that’s the case in a second.
When he sees Saphira and tells her what happened, she freaks out and “roared deafeningly.” Keep that in mind folks, because for the next few dozen pages, they are still trying to hide the fact that there’s a dragon, and she probably roared loud enough to be heard in Carvahall. Not that anyone will ever mention this. I’m not smacking myself for that, I’m just rolling my eyes.
Then Saphira goes completely insane and starts shouting out random things that the strangers apparently did. How does she know any of this when she was in an egg up until a few months ago? No, I’m not asking you, I’m actually asking Paolini, HOW THE HELL DOES A FETUS KNOW THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF DRAGONS? You know what? Let’s just hear the crap she shouts, because that is much funnier than any rant I could go on.
“Fire! Enemies! Death! Murderers!
“Oaths betrayed, souls killed, eggs shattered! Blood everywhere. Murderers!”
I beg somebody to tell me what any of that means. Ok, yeah, I get it, these stranger guys (The Razac or something? I don’t know, they haven’t been named yet, and I am not looking up the name. Trying to find the right page in this freaking book is like hunting for a piece of hay in a needle stack, painful and impossible) killed dragons, and she’s pissed, but it’s still freaking stupid and doesn’t make any sense, either in the context of the book (especially since she has YET to explain what the hell she was rambling about) or in the rules of basic English! “Fire! Enemies! Death! Murderers!” One foot! Two foot! Three foot! Four! It pretty much amounts to the same thing at this point.
Wow. Is it just me, or was that particularly bitchy? Damn it! I was right! This book is trying to murder my soul! And it’s making me eeeeevil. Hang on, I need more alcohol.
…
Got it! Good. So let’s move on, shall we? In between the random rambling (Ok, ok, I’m shutting up), Eragon tries to force the dragon to calm down. And then for convenience, he grabs onto one of her spikes and presses himself against her. Why is this convenient? Because when the dragon decides to run away, he gets to go with her. Told you she was useless. Well, actually, the direct quote is “They hung there for an instant, then drove down as she flung herself into the sky.” Does that make sense to anyone, or am I the only one confused? I mean, I know I’m tired, but I didn’t think I was that tired.
Saphira is completely ignoring the fact that she has a fifteen year old boy clinging to her throat in her haste to get away. And apparently, “The air was so cold that frost accumulated on his eyelashes.” It’s not a headsmack inducing line, it’s just a sucky line. One of those lines that’s so horrible that it must be shared. Of course, this book is full of them, so I try to limit how many I put into the blog. You can thank me later.
The two “heroes” (One of those loosely used terms, feel free to laugh), fly over to the Spine, with Eragon shouting to Saphira “We have to go back… The strangers are coming to the farm. Garrow has to be warned. Turn around!” You know, this whole mess, and subsequently the next three chapters could have easily been avoided if he decided to warn Garrow in the first place instead of running off to see Saphira first, so I feel no sympathy for this kid. This is all his fault.
Well, yada yada yada, they keep flying, then they finally land in the middle of the Spine, and Eragon’s legs have been completely rubbed raw from Saphira’s scales. But I should also point out that his pants are completely fine, no scrapes or holes. He actually had to take his pants off to notice that he was bleeding. *Whack!* Oh but don’t worry folks, because it gets worse. Much, much worse.
“I’m in the Spine, I don’t know where, during the middle of winter, with a crazed dragon, unable to walk or find shelter. Night is falling. I have to get back to the farm tomorrow. And the only way to do that is to fly, which I can’t endure anymore.”
Pop quiz folks. Your father, or father-figure, is in danger, possibly about to die (and you know that’s a possibility with the Ringwraiths), because of you. Your only way out is with a giant dragon who can fly really fast. Do you A.) sit back and avoid the problem until morning when it might be too late, or B.) brace the pain and demand the damn dragon take you back so you can warn said father/father-figure and get him the hell out of dodge? The brave/most obvious choice is B. Brave danger and save the guy. Adrenaline can do a heck of a lot in these kinds of situations, and yes, it will hurt like hell, but use your shirt to add a little padding for your legs, you can at least get back home and deal with the agony later. That seems like the natural thing to do. And yet, in true Eragon fashion, he does, that’s right, NOTHING! This guy is losing sympathy every single freaking day. And I have to point out that at least in the movie he tried to save his uncle. He didn’t get there in time, but it’s still easier to sympathize with his plight because he realized the kind of danger Garrow was in and tried to stop it. Here? I think he’s hoping that the strangers aren’t really as bad as they seemed and they’ll just leave Garrow alone. *Whack whack whack!*
Eragon, naturally yells at Saphira for being the giant pussy that she is. And her response? “Death is a poison.” No shit Sherlock! *Whack!*
And because Eragon is as much of a pussy as his dragon, instead of demanding to be taken back home, he tells her to find him shelter for the night. *Whack whack whack whack!* The chapter ends with him in a bit of pain (poor baby), wrapped up next to Saphira, crying, “What have I done?” You left your uncle to die, you useless piece of dog crap. And you’ve also led us to the bane of my existence, I should slap you for that. Curse you, you fictional character! Curse you and your paperweight! And yes, I’m back to calling the dragon a paperweight. I mean, really, what good is she? We could have had some good action, and instead, she completely avoids the fight like a big whimp. She’s a paperweight again.
The next chapter opens with Eragon waking up (and yes, he’s a total douche for being able to sleep when his family is in danger, but what were you expecting? Him to actually do anything? Ha) underneath Paperweight. And one of his first thoughts is about missing his meals. You know kids, it’s important to eat three square meals a day. And just because you’re so poor that your uncle/father that you just left to die has to go hungry and be near death every day for you to do it, never miss a meal! Family comes second to your own needs. At least, that’s what I think the book is trying to tell me.
He finally gets up, manages to make a makeshift crutch out of a broken twig (I would have gone with a cane, but that’s just me, I make sense), gets water and even realizes that he’s in the exact same clearing where he found the paperweight! Gasp! That is so important while YOUR UNCLE’S LIFE IS IN DANGER! I’m sure glad we got to see all of that! Ok, I’m still bitter, but this kid is pathetic, no matter how you look at it.
And then, and only after going about ALL OF THAT USELESS CRAP does he finally realize they have to get home to help Garrow (too late. That’s not a spoiler, by the way, that’s… obvious). And are you ready to bash yourself in the head again?
“What will be said of us in years to come if we don’t return-that we hid like cowards while my uncle was in danger?”
*Whack!*
Yes, you oaf! That’s precisely what should be said about you, because that’s exactly what you did! YOU FELL ASLEEP while your uncle was being attacked! And I’m still not spoiling, I’m just saying, Eragon saw butcher tell the strangers EXACTLY where he lived, saw the strangers THREATEN TO MURDER butcher, he managed to get all the way home, what the hell made him think the strangers would wait until morning to attack his home? THE DEAD OF NIGHT IS THE BEST TIME TO ATTACK SOMEONE, WHEN THEY’RE LEAST EXPECTING IT! GROW A BRAIN!
…
Ok, Tequila, really is a miracle drink (never drink and drive, folks, that is my disclaimer for the week). Shall we continue?
Paperweight finally grows a pair and agrees to take Eragon back home. And it isn’t until now that Eragon reminds her that “Time is of the essence.” Ok, ok, fine, I’ll stop. They finally start flying, with Eragon using pieces of his shirt he ripped off as extra padding. Ok, fine, I can’t really complain, I told him to do the exact same thing, although it would have been smarter to just use the entire shirt. You’ll be cold, to be sure, but you won’t be in as much pain (Hey, I’m from Buffalo, we are known for our cold). They finally make it back in the early afternoon and see that his house is on fire. Ok fine, so it was technically spoiler. But it was still obvious that it was going to happen. And let’s focus on the fun side of things. If we check out the Mary Sue Litmus test, two of the questions are “Was a major villain responsible for the death of the parents or guardians?” and “Was your character responsible for the death of his/her parents/guardians?” Eragon is one of those select few characters where both are true! Drink twice.
Paperweight gets another philosophical line that’s yet another “No shit” line, and Eragon starts yelling at her that it’s her fault that it’s happened. And while this is partly true, it’s also his for not getting off his ass faster, but whatever floats your boat, kid. They eventually find tracks and realize that Garrow’s still at the house. Eragon eventually finds his uncle pinned under a heavy beam. The two “heroes” eventually get him free, and I realize just how weak this dragon is. She strained trying to move a beam. She's a giant ass freaking dragon, and she struggles with one wood beam. Even Fezzik from The Princess Bride was stronger than this thing!
Garrow’s still alive, and I’ve finally found a character I sympathize with. Not only did his nephew get him killed, but it’s a slow death. Well, Eragon decides he has to take his uncle into town as it’s the only way to save him. And, I can’t complain, because that makes sense. Hey, he gets it right sometimes. Then Eragon uses, what I hope are pieces of his broken home, to make a makeshift gurney for his uncle to keep him stable while Paperweight flies them to the village, and once again, showing that he’s got some sort of brain, he doesn’t care if Paperweight is seen. Sadly, it doesn’t matter because the dragon can’t manage to carry two people for ten miles. Worst. Dragon. Ever!
Eragon decides to make the trek himself, and for once I can’t complain about his whining, it’s a natural reaction to the pain, and he’s dragging over a hundred pounds of dead weight, but he refuses to let go. Too little, too late, but it’s something. I hate it when this book does something decent, because it’s always followed by something that blows hard.
The chapter ends with Eragon making it to town and passing out and Obi Wan coming to the rescue. Still a decent ending, and I can forgive the black out. Then begins “Deathwatch,” which, as the title proclaims, is pretty much an entire chapter of watching Garrow die. Seriously, another thing I think the movie did better. There, Garrow died at the house before Eragon even arrived. Here, we get more useless filler of watching him die.
“Deathwatch” opens with Eragon dreaming of elves boarding a ship, and I’m once again forced to think of the Lord of the Rings, but this has the added benefit of dragons. I guess that’s something. When he wakes up, he’s with Gertrude, the woman he needed to get Garrow to because he’s dying, and she’s apparently a nurse, or a healer or something. Where’s Garrow, you ask? He’s over at smithy’s. So why is Eragon with the healer and not Garrow? He’s Eragon? Yeah, that deserves a drink.
Gertrude tells Eragon that Garrow is doing badly, and after Eragon tells her that he needs to see his uncle, she tells him he can’t leave until he eats. “I didn’t spend all this time sitting by your side so you can get back up and hurt yourself. Half the skin on your legs was torn off, and your fever broke only last night. Don’t worry yourself about Garrow. He’ll be fine. He’s a tough man.” Didn’t you just tell Eragon that Garrow’s wounds aren’t healing, and his fever has yet to break? And why the hell are you watching over Eragon instead of the actual INJURED PARTY? That deserves another drink.
Gertrude tells Eragon that he’s been unconscious for two days, and they talk about what happened at Eragon’s house. Eragon admits he wasn’t there when his uncle was injured, but Gerty just shrugs this off. Drink. Drunk yet? I am!
Eragon avoids her questions, eats, then after some filler of him getting up with his injuries, they finally head over to smithy’s. Once there, we get to meet all of his family, and find out that Garrow is still doing badly. But he’s with smithy, instead of with the woman who should be looking after him. And Gerty’s still a moron, because she thinks that, despite the fact that Garrow is clearly dying, he’s strong enough to start making a recovery he hasn’t started after two days.
Our “hero” stays with his uncle that he effectively killed for all of two paragraphs before smithy pulls him away to feed him again. And… oh gawd. “Heady smells from half a dozen dishes-rich with spices and herbs-filled the air.” Wow, business is booming for a blacksmith in this poor peasant village! He can afford useless spices that my grandmother couldn’t even afford in the twentieth century! *Whack!*
Anyways, more filler happens where Eragon lies and tells them a made up version of the events from the last two chapters. They still make him look like an idiot, but not as much of a coward. But nobody points that out. Drink.
Smithy’s sons want to kill the strangers to avenge their friend… who chose to live ten miles away from them rather than in the town. Whatever. Then there’s more filler before Eragon can contact Paperweight through their special bond thing. And for some reason she tells him, in great detail, about the animal she hunted while he was sleeping. I don’t know why she decided to do that, other than to ask in a bit nicer of a way, “Uncle dead yet?” I’m not even kidding, after her speech about how her meal fought to live before finally giving up and facing his inevitable death, she asked, “Does Garrow also fight the inevitable?” Which is just a nice way of asking if he croaked yet.
After that… heartwarming moment, Mrs. Smithy offers Eragon a bed at her place, which once again begs the question, if they had the room, why not keep them both at the same place? Why separate them in the first place? If they were under the same roof, then Gerty could have had a better chance of looking after both of them! Oh wait, I’m sorry, that’s smart, and logical, and these people are neither. Damn it, why do I keep forgetting that? They were penned by a teenager!
Moving on, Eragon learns that Garrow’s finally doing a bit better, so there’s a chance he might recover (Ha!). Elated, Eragon decides to… fall asleep. That is the fifth chapter so far that has ended with Eragon unconscious. I’m going to be keeping track from now on. I want to see if this habit really is as often as I thought.
After that, we move onto “The Madness of Life,” which can be summed up pretty quickly. Eragon wakes up to find Garrow’s dead. He’s sad. Then he falls asleep. 6/13.
Well, this week has left me completely inebriated and in a great deal of pain. I knew that was going to happen. And I still hold by what I’ve said before. Nothing, and I mean, nothing, ever really happens in this book. Don’t believe me? Hey his uncle died, that’s something. But think about this; an entire chapter was dedicated TO WATCHING THE BASTARD DIE! I don’t know why fantasy books have to be so freaking long, but do they all take this long to get to the point? If so, why?
Well, I’ve covered four gawd awful chapters this week, so I’m going to go finish my tequila, and I’ll see you all next week where we are treated with more useless filler that feels like it just goes on forever. It also means that I’m starting to run out of pre-read chapters. Oh this is going to hurt in the coming weeks.