Bad Book Blog: Week 4
Week 4: Chapters 7 through 9
Welcome back, my lovely audience, to the Bad Book Blog! I apologize for getting this out so late for anyone who is actually reading this, but I spent the last week cleaning one of the dirtiest homes I've ever seen, and I'm just getting myself back into the groove of things. So hopefully this doesn't suck as a result of that.
And we continue our adventures with Eragon, a book that tried very hard to kill the fantasy genre for as many people as possible. I happen to be one of those people. Will it succeed? I don’t know, I keep reminding myself of Stephen King’s Eye of the Dragon to try and get through this. It hasn’t helped, but hopefully it will soon.
Well, after the dragon hatched and all that “exciting” stuff, we are treated with… more filler. I’m sensing a pattern here folks.
“A Name of Power” starts off with Eragon talking to his cousin Roran about Roran getting a job offer in a neighboring village, which he wants to take so he can get married. Eragon takes this as well as we’ve come to expect from our protagonist. In the complete opposite way as a normal human being. Yes, this dude gets pissed off at his cousin for wanting to get married, yet he never had any reaction to explosions, magic, or dragons. Ok, no more complaining about that, the joke is starting to get tired. But seriously, what the fuck?
And after trying to convince us that Roran and Garrow are actually important characters, we get to the point of the chapter. Well, that’s a lie, because then he has to vent to the dragon about his cousin’s departure. I should take this opportunity to point out that Roran said he’d only be gone for a season. And Eragon already goes on pointless hunting trips, I don’t see why he can’t make more of the same to visit his cousin. Why is he acting like a bitch on the rag? No clue! (I should probably point out that I’m a girl, in case anybody wants to yell at me for my choice of phrase.)
Fortunately, after that useless bit, we get more… useless crap when Eragon decides to name the dragon, and tries to give the dragon a male name. And this goes on for a while, with Eragon being a complete and utter dumbass until he finally realizes, (Gasp!) it’s a girl dragon! *Whack!* And they decide to name her Saphira.
And so ends… that chapter, I don’t know they aren’t numbered and I’m sick of trying to remember what chapter number they are when they all suck. Sadly what we get next is even worse. Roran tells his father that he’s leaving. He’s cool with it. Eragon continues to be all PMS-y and bitch and moan to Saphira. And… I just finished that entire chapter in three sentences. And yes, that is quite literally the entire chapter. There weren’t even good head smacking moments. I mean yes, the sentences were still laughable and all, but really, it was just such a useless chapter, I really have no idea why it was included. Or if Paolini thought it was absolutely necessary to include it, why it couldn’t be included as part of another chapter? It sure as hell couldn’t have been in a vain attempt to give the character depth, because really, all it does is make Eragon look like a spoiled brat. Character depth could have been included when he was talking about his mother abandoning him, or finding the paperweight, or having the paperweight hatch into a dragon. His cousin going to the next town for less than a year so he can earn money to get married? Stupid!
On the plus side, now that we got that stupidity out of the way, we get to move onto the next chapter, called “Strangers in Carvahall.” Gasp! Can it be? Is something going to happen? Let’s find out!
The chapters opens with… Roran leaving. *Whack* Uncle Garrow gives his son some money he’s been saving, and then gives him his blessing. And then follows it with one of those emotional speeches that I’ve never heard anybody give in the real world. When I was born, my dad’s idea of an inspirational speech was to tell my brother that he had full permission to torment me to his heart’s content, but if he let anybody else do it, my dad would kick his ass.
Oh, and Garrow tells his son not to be gay. No really, “Give men your ear, but not your heart.” I can’t think of any other meaning that can have besides “Don’t be gay,” except maybe phrased a little nicer. And after that bit of discomfort, Roran and Eragon decide to finally leave, Eragon still acting like a little bitch.
The two boys make it to town, and immediately head to see smithy, who’s waiting with Roran’s new boss. And it’s also just more proof that our wonderful author really doesn’t know what to add and what to cut, because he literally tells us everything that’s hanging in the blacksmith’s shop. Like all of his tools that he uses. Apparently, he decided to do some research so he didn’t just sound like the fifteen year old kid that he was. Sadly, he decided to research the wrong thing.
Well, Roran’s boss decides that, for some reason, they can’t just leave right away. Oh no, we have to be treated of more of this blasted storyline for a bit more. And then that’s undercut when smithy asks about the paperweight. Eragon’s first reaction? “Maybe someone saw Saphira!” And no, smithy did not ask if Eragon saw a dragon, he specifically asked about the paperweight. So why the hell does Eragon think smithy knows about the dragon? How the hell is anyone going to connect a GIANT FREAKING DRAGON with a freaking paperweight? Oh wait, that’s right, this was written by a fifteen year old. Now it all makes sense!
Smithy tells Eragon that a couple of strangers have been asking about the paperweight. Wait. There are strangers? In Carvahall? Sorry, even I know that was a lame joke. I blame the book, it’s trying to murder my soul with every word. I think that joke just proved that it’s working.
But then there’s a confused dog moment, when smithy tells Eragon that most people aren’t going to talk, but he can name a few that will. Do you see my confusion? I thought that smithy, butcher, Garrow, Katrina and that trader dude were the only ones who knew about the paperweight. Of that group, the only one who would say anything to a bunch of strangers would be butcher. So why is smithy saying he could name a “few?” Has Eragon been blabbing about the paperweight to everybody he saw? That deserves a smack, doesn’t it? Thought so. *Whack!*
Smithy tells Eragon to go back home, but Eragon decides instead to try and find the strange men. He goes to Roran to say goodbye, who’s obviously upset about this. He’s stuck in town for another hour, and neither his cousin nor his father is there to wait with him. In fact, Eragon actually tells him “There’s nothing for me to do, and I’m not going to stand around until you go.” Yeah, that was a douchebag move. Especially since we just sat through about two chapters of him doing nothing but bitching about his cousin leaving, and now, he can’t be bothered to give him a proper farewell? Why the hell did we have to sit through him moaning and groaning about Roran leaving if he was just going to completely shrug it off when it actually happened?
Ok, so he’s worried about what’s going to happen to his dragon, but that doesn’t excuse him for being a dick.
After thoroughly killing any likeability he might have had, Eragon decides to go look for the strangers, finally showing off those hunting skills we’ve heard so much about. Oh, and nobody notices him. I think that warrants a drink.
He finally finds them, talking to the butcher and… eeh gads. “The words were smooth, like oiled glass.” *Whack!* Why does he insist on describing everything with such a stupid simile? Does he actually think about what he’s writing down, or does he just pick something that sounds cool? You know what’s smooth? Glass! Just glass, adding oil to glass just makes it greasy and gross, but glass itself is smooth, you dumbass fucking moron!
…
I feel better now that I’ve gotten some alcohol. Where were we? Ah yes. The butcher is completely selling Eragon out, and the strangers give him a lot of really obvious threats. Why they only try it on him and not the rest of the town, I have no idea. But I have yet to see them do anything intelligently, so by all means, threaten the only guy who’s actually answered your questions and ignore all the people who told you to piss off. Hey, they’re friends with Eragon, they can’t be threatened, only the guy who’s a total douchebag to him can be. Drink.
Eragon gets a look at the strangers, and they pretty much look like the Ringwraiths from Bakshi’s Lord of the Rings. They have a hump, dark hoods, the whole nine yards. The only difference is that their cloaks open to reveal a shirt with a silver design on it.
The Ringwraiths spot him and have some sort of mind power thing that freeze Eragon on the spot. They move forward, drawing their swords, they’ve seen his face and now they’re finally going to do us all a favor and kill this little punk where he stands-
Obi Wan shows up. And I need more alcohol.
For some reason, the old dude is enough to scare the strangers away. Now I have to ask, why didn’t they just kill both idiots? Or at the very least try? Then something would have actually happened. This book is a cocktease, it keeps promising that something exciting is going to happen, and then, instead of delivering, it goes back to doing nothing!
Sigh, Obi Wan tells Eragon to go home, and then drags him out of town. And no, this is not because he wants to get Eragon as far away from him as possible, and I know I sure as hell do. Nope, it’s pretty obvious he’s trying to save Eragon from getting murdered. He also grabs Eragon’s wrist very painfully so he can see the silvery thing Saphira gave him on his palm. And he still doesn’t realize that anything’s up with this guy. It amazes me how much of an idiot this kid is. Even if I haven’t seen the movie, I would know this guy is more than he’s letting on.
And as Eragon decides to finally go back home, the chapter ends, surprisingly with our protagonist still conscious. Oh how rarely that happens.
Oddly enough, I didn’t feel like hitting myself in the head as much this week. Oh, but trust me, that will change next week, as the book proves to be even more of a cocktease than ever before. Stay tuned folks!