And Suddenly It Doesn't Seem Worth it Anymore
You should know that when I write a song, and I mean an actual song not a mindless pop thing, that I write it from a deep emotion. I write it to get out a feeling that I can't express in any other way because words on their own don't seem powerful enough. If I write a song with my own hands, sitting down at the piano or taking the time to make a good instrumental, it's because it means something to me and I want you, whoever the listener is, to know even a tiny fraction of what I feel.
But when the ones I most seek approval from disregard my efforts, or insults my work, or even mocks what what I've done...it turns something that was once beautiful to me, that once gave me so much excitement, something I wanted to share with them into something ugly and disgusting, and i hate it. And I never want to listen to it, or read it if it's a piece of writing, again. It strikes me so deep, because it came from a pure emotion, and i don't think people understand that. I don't think anyone I've ever dedicated something to has gotten that. And they never seem to appreciate it, on any level. I don't know why I keep trying.
I believe that's the reason I haven't made anything real in a while, because every time I start something that I think is amazing, or beautiful, or in any way good, i get shot down. And then I don't like it any more. The emotion seems stupid, like i shouldn't have been feeling it in the first place. it was childish, naive. It doesn't have to be about the piece in particular. I like to make music, and when you laugh at that, laugh like it's this stupid thing I do over and over again when it's clear that i'm not that great at it, it cuts me real deep. I don't think you understand that even though i might not outright say it, i am, on some level, seeking approval from you. If i write a song for you or about you, you don't have to lie, if you don't like it fine, but acknowledge that it's there. Acknowledge that you care, if you do, even if you're not going to listen to everyday or something. That's not why I made it.
And you. Maybe that's why I've never really shown you anything I've ever done. Maybe I'm afraid to, because every time I've ever shown you anything, you've never paid me the slightest compliment or the slightest interest. In my mind, that means that you don't believe in me. Am I so far off? The first time I confided in you my wishes to become an author, the only thing you had to say was that it's a very difficult field to break into, and you have to be talented to do it. And maybe I should consider something else. Well, guess what, I don't write anymore. I can't. It doesn't seem worth it anymore.
Is that what's going to happen with this? With music? I can only take being ignored, or shot down, or criticized so much before it doesn't seem worth it anymore. Why keep trying to do something at which you're obviously not good enough?
But when the ones I most seek approval from disregard my efforts, or insults my work, or even mocks what what I've done...it turns something that was once beautiful to me, that once gave me so much excitement, something I wanted to share with them into something ugly and disgusting, and i hate it. And I never want to listen to it, or read it if it's a piece of writing, again. It strikes me so deep, because it came from a pure emotion, and i don't think people understand that. I don't think anyone I've ever dedicated something to has gotten that. And they never seem to appreciate it, on any level. I don't know why I keep trying.
I believe that's the reason I haven't made anything real in a while, because every time I start something that I think is amazing, or beautiful, or in any way good, i get shot down. And then I don't like it any more. The emotion seems stupid, like i shouldn't have been feeling it in the first place. it was childish, naive. It doesn't have to be about the piece in particular. I like to make music, and when you laugh at that, laugh like it's this stupid thing I do over and over again when it's clear that i'm not that great at it, it cuts me real deep. I don't think you understand that even though i might not outright say it, i am, on some level, seeking approval from you. If i write a song for you or about you, you don't have to lie, if you don't like it fine, but acknowledge that it's there. Acknowledge that you care, if you do, even if you're not going to listen to everyday or something. That's not why I made it.
And you. Maybe that's why I've never really shown you anything I've ever done. Maybe I'm afraid to, because every time I've ever shown you anything, you've never paid me the slightest compliment or the slightest interest. In my mind, that means that you don't believe in me. Am I so far off? The first time I confided in you my wishes to become an author, the only thing you had to say was that it's a very difficult field to break into, and you have to be talented to do it. And maybe I should consider something else. Well, guess what, I don't write anymore. I can't. It doesn't seem worth it anymore.
Is that what's going to happen with this? With music? I can only take being ignored, or shot down, or criticized so much before it doesn't seem worth it anymore. Why keep trying to do something at which you're obviously not good enough?