Just a Thousand Tear-Stained Looks.
God damn you, nostalgia.
It's coming up to three years since I graduated high school. I don't miss it. Was there a span shortly after I graduated where I missed it? Yeah, sure. But granted that most of that was because 90% of my friends were still there. That quickly faded, and it seems more and more juvenile the more distant I get away from it. But I pause to think about it this time around. About the people who I still consider friends from there. And those who I once did. I knew from Day 1 out of high school that the weaker relationships I had would very quickly dissolve. Hell, even some of the strong ones have gone the way of the out door. I have kept in contact with most of the important people in my high school career. But I sometimes can't help but begin to think about the ones who I lost contact with that I was so fond of during those years. It makes me grab my past yearbooks, flip through the pages, read their signings, and pine to talk to them. And can I just say that yearbooks are the worst thing in the world. They seem like the coolest thing in the world when you're in high school. You look at all the pictures, you share with friends, you have them sign in the front or back. But years later, it'll act as a Pandora's Box. They're books that you put into a box the day you move into college, never to see the light of day until your midlife crisis when you'll undoubtedly weep over your lost opportunities, desperate to remember the days when you had so much promise and the world was in front of you. Evil book of memories.
But it's a double-edged sword. Even if you could find those lost connections in hope to restart your friendship, it makes for a slightly awkward situation. You haven't talked to someone for years. How do you start a conversation like that? Then when it is started, you get that questioning of how things are going. And life always sucks, so you stretch the truth a bit to try to sound more impressive. Doesn't matter anyway because they're always going to be doing much better than you. "You're the manager of Dairy Queen? Awesome! Good for you! Me? Oh, I'm a fucking architect. Just raked in a 7 figure contract." No matter how you try to avoid it, there'll be that awkward silence where one of you has to break it with "Hey, uh, I gotta go! But good seeing you again!". Did you really have somewhere to be? Nope. But the ultimate be-all end-all awkward silence breaker is just to act busy. And before you leave, you always have that extended offer: "Call me! We'll do lunch/coffee/a movie!" And the other person is like "Hell yeah!". You both know that offer is never going to be picked up. You both know it's going to be at least another year before you even hear that person's name even mentioned.
I was discussing my thoughts on my lost friendships with one of my newer friends, and they told me "Well, that's what high school reunions are for!". Ew. Let's get something straight. I hated my class. The LHS class of 2004 sucked ass. I think I had 4 or 5 actual friends, a handful of people who I could tolerate a conversation with, the rest can go straight to Hell for all I care. The 4 or 5 that I call friends I still keep in general contact with. So there is absolutely no point in me going to any future reunion. If the reunion included a class above or below, then yeah, that's worth attending.
While I wonder where those friendships have gone, sometimes I wonder if it's better that they stay in the past. Because while I may have lost a couple of friends, I'm breaking even by making some pretty righteous new ones. And I've never been one to live in the past.
It's coming up to three years since I graduated high school. I don't miss it. Was there a span shortly after I graduated where I missed it? Yeah, sure. But granted that most of that was because 90% of my friends were still there. That quickly faded, and it seems more and more juvenile the more distant I get away from it. But I pause to think about it this time around. About the people who I still consider friends from there. And those who I once did. I knew from Day 1 out of high school that the weaker relationships I had would very quickly dissolve. Hell, even some of the strong ones have gone the way of the out door. I have kept in contact with most of the important people in my high school career. But I sometimes can't help but begin to think about the ones who I lost contact with that I was so fond of during those years. It makes me grab my past yearbooks, flip through the pages, read their signings, and pine to talk to them. And can I just say that yearbooks are the worst thing in the world. They seem like the coolest thing in the world when you're in high school. You look at all the pictures, you share with friends, you have them sign in the front or back. But years later, it'll act as a Pandora's Box. They're books that you put into a box the day you move into college, never to see the light of day until your midlife crisis when you'll undoubtedly weep over your lost opportunities, desperate to remember the days when you had so much promise and the world was in front of you. Evil book of memories.
But it's a double-edged sword. Even if you could find those lost connections in hope to restart your friendship, it makes for a slightly awkward situation. You haven't talked to someone for years. How do you start a conversation like that? Then when it is started, you get that questioning of how things are going. And life always sucks, so you stretch the truth a bit to try to sound more impressive. Doesn't matter anyway because they're always going to be doing much better than you. "You're the manager of Dairy Queen? Awesome! Good for you! Me? Oh, I'm a fucking architect. Just raked in a 7 figure contract." No matter how you try to avoid it, there'll be that awkward silence where one of you has to break it with "Hey, uh, I gotta go! But good seeing you again!". Did you really have somewhere to be? Nope. But the ultimate be-all end-all awkward silence breaker is just to act busy. And before you leave, you always have that extended offer: "Call me! We'll do lunch/coffee/a movie!" And the other person is like "Hell yeah!". You both know that offer is never going to be picked up. You both know it's going to be at least another year before you even hear that person's name even mentioned.
I was discussing my thoughts on my lost friendships with one of my newer friends, and they told me "Well, that's what high school reunions are for!". Ew. Let's get something straight. I hated my class. The LHS class of 2004 sucked ass. I think I had 4 or 5 actual friends, a handful of people who I could tolerate a conversation with, the rest can go straight to Hell for all I care. The 4 or 5 that I call friends I still keep in general contact with. So there is absolutely no point in me going to any future reunion. If the reunion included a class above or below, then yeah, that's worth attending.
While I wonder where those friendships have gone, sometimes I wonder if it's better that they stay in the past. Because while I may have lost a couple of friends, I'm breaking even by making some pretty righteous new ones. And I've never been one to live in the past.