Life In General....
Why is it when things go along smoothly, somehow I will start to look at things objectively and mess it all up. I am finally seeing myself as others see me and am not very happy about any of it. I have recently started to be an invisible convenience once again. I learned long ago how to become invinsible in an abusive relationship just to survive. Now I have trouble trying to make my needs known. I am so very adept at becoming nonexistant I often sit quietly in peoples houses that while they are working an hour or two later they look startled and say..."I forgot you were here." Lately it is getting to be the story of my life. Because I am good at being invisible I also get to see the dark side of people. Mostly because when they feel they are alone the mask of good behavior comes off. This has been at the very least frightening to me. It is such a deja vous feeling from years past. I do not wish to go backwards in my relationships. I got no where with the past ones, from now on they must be better or not exist. I do believe I will just cool all feelings of love I was starting to develope for anyone and let them try to win my affection instead. Something so precious should not be given so readily but like trust needs to be earned. I am going to be so very inconvenient and visible in all I do. Let them be convenient to me for awhile. I am a good woman who will help any person until they put the screws to me. I deserve better and will hold out for just that. Alone is also a fine way to be. I have so many hobbies and many books to read. Alone does not scare me at all. Besides then I would not be turning down the dates waiting for HIM to call, only to sit at his house to watch him work on the computer. Or should I say cuss out his computer like I am not even there. Oh well I am also to blame for such things...I stayed and made myself available at a moments notice. I have learned from my mistakes and am not doomed to repeat them. Take care and smile so they wonder what you are up to. Let others worry for awhile. Aloofness can be our friend. Later days, ME