(no subject)

[bob_on_a_cob]

thsi past year has brought me things in which i could have never imagined. i have had good and bad up and down. and all i am still wants me to let go. i dont know why i feel like it. i want so much more than what i think i am getting. i dont want to stop and second base when i can go all the way home. i yern for the freedom to be happy all the time. in fact the all time happiness. the distance i have traveled in this past year i have yet to calculate. the walks i walked the talks i talked. from the late nights in my special quiet place to the insanity that is a rock show from the end of the begining to the begining of the end. i have seen so much this past year. i have felt so much this past year. i have wasted so much this past year. i have cared so much this past year. i have wanted to much this past year. and i have drowned myself so much this past year. and even then i feel less of a man then when i started like a piece of my heart is slowly rotting away as the shadows and darkness cover it. in this i feel like i cant be right and i can be wrong. i open myself to so many and yet i am not who i seem. i sometimes for get that being friendly can translate into a flirtatous jesture. i somtimes forget that wanting stablilty and wanting to be loved sometimes means nothing. i know what the answer is but to get there the sacrifice is too great for me. the battle cant be won though. the struggle within. as i sit here thinking about tommorrow and what it is going to bring i prepare myself
for another day in which i expect nothing and so the real disappointment of life as it is now doesnt reach me. my mind is so screwed and my body is showing it. my heart is replaced with doubt and questioning.the deterioration of my soul is evident. those around me mock what i am like it is some joke that i care or like or love. i have lost so much of me this past year. from gaining weight to drinking more to sleeping less. i wonder all that i can say is i wonder