my constant headache
i dont know why or when she decided that she has the right to treat people the way she does. does she think that she's better? or that, because she's older, that she's wiser? i don't know when she'll see the light and how much a of a living hell she puts us through day in and out, but i hope it's in the near future. i already told myself that the day she moves out will be the happiest day of my life. i really cant wait to leave this place. yeah, i've lived here since i was two, and yeah, there have been some great memories here. but there are just as many bad, heartbreaking ones that i need to forget and get over. when we move into new house, there wont be any room for her, and she'll have to manage that. if she only knew how many times she's made me cry, or how many of the bruises i have on my arms and legs are actually self inflicted because i dont know how to channel my anger outward. she yelled at me today. boo woke her up. again. i see now that she's just using boo as another way to yell at me. there's no need for it really. but it'll make her feel better if she can make me inferior someway. but the thing i hate the most is not the yelling, because for all it's worth, i've become good at disregarding anything and everything she says. it's the pretending that everything is alright afterwards. she acts like nothing has happened. like she hasn't just yelled at me over something stupid. like she hasn't just hurt my feelings yet again. and the fact that she's only said she was sorry is the few times my mother has made her tells me that she doesn't even really care. about me. about my feelings. i tell myself that my headaches are a medical thing, that there's something wrong with my brain that makes them occur all the time. i see now, that it's not a medical or even genetic thing. it's her. it's always been her and will always be her. i dont know if she'll ever realize the pain she's caused me over the past 20 years and i dont know if i'll ever have the courage to tell her. but i do know, that one of these days, one of us is going to go on to a better place, and the other will be stuck on earth, wondering what the hell happened.