An Open Letter To American Moviegoers
Dear American Movie Goers,
What the fuck?!?
Look, I'm not mad at you. I know that you just need some mindless entertainment at the end of the week to relax and unwind after a long week of work/collecting welfare/selling drugs. And I know that maybe your town just doesn't get the "art house" movies and subtitles are "hard to read", but this past week (and possibly this weekend for all I know), you have committed a sin and should feel insanely guilty for it. I feel badly for you and hope that you come to your senses soon, but if I didn't know any better, I'd say nothing is changing. You will head out to the local cineplex and make "Meet the Spartans" the number one movie for two weeks in a row.
"Meet the Spartans"...really? Why? I could have understood and forgiven you if it had been Rambo you all so desperately wanted to see. There's a lot of nostalgia right now for 80's Cold War films and you grew up on Sylvester Stallone mumbling and hitting/shooting things. I get it. But even John Rambo got second place behind the latest in the line of tired and shitty "spoof" films like "Epic Movie" and "Date Movie."
I have to admit, I enjoyed the first couple of "Scary Movie" films. I chuckled out loud a few times and quoted dialogue with my friends later. But by the time they did the fourth one and weren't even spoofing horror films anymore (8 Mile?!), the laughter died and was just replaced with wasted time. I even sat and watched "Date Movie" with my roommate Josh and I can't remember ONE time we laughed...at anything. (Oh! The wedding planner has a big ass like J. Lo! I GET IT! The chick's in a fat suit! Heeee-fucking-larious.)
America, Hollywood thinks you're stupid. Red staters talk all the time about how Hollywood is so "out-of-touch" with the "real" America. "These actors need to keep their opinions to themselves and stop thinking we're a bunch of one-toothed yokels." Then, you all go and pull a stunt like this! You're just ENCOURAGING Hollywood to keep cranking out these lazy films that are just full of references to other FUNNIER movies and jokes about pop culture icons!
Do you know how EASY it is to write one of these films? Take 5 of the most recent top grossing films, add three of the top ten entertainment news stories, and throw in one part bathroom humor and you have a so-called "Spoof Movie." 5 coked-up writers that need money to buy more coke crank these things out overnight! And then, they all sit back, get rich, and laugh about how easy it was to get you to pay $10 a pop to laugh at their recycled jokes.
In fact, it's SO simple, I SERIOUSLY JUST made this scene up from the new film I'm working on called "Pop-Culture Reference Movie", coming to theaters after the writers strike:
*************
Exterior shot.
We see our main character driving down a busy L.A. street. He's talking on a cell phone until the woman driving in front of him starts swerving all over the road. He hangs up and hits his brake as the woman fishtails into several parked cars and a storefront.
Lindsey Lohan gets out of the car in a short mini-skirt and a live BEAVER falls out from her crotch.
Lindsey Lohan: Oops! (taking swig of vodka straight from bottle)
And scene.
************
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! ROTFLMAO!!!! Get it?!?! SHE CAN'T DRIVE!!! AND SHE'S A DRUNK! THAT FLASHES HER CROTCH!!!!!!! CAUSE THE BEAVER WAS A REFERENCE TO A WOMAN'S VAGINA!!!!!! OMG!
That right there is going to make me rich! And with all the money I will earn from you easily amused bumpkins, I'm buying a mansion. That mansion will be built with brick. And on each brick will be a different face of another yokel that helped me buy my fancy house. THANKS AMERICA! Look for "Pop Culture Reference Movie" THIS SUMMER!
I know that what makes this country great is that we have the freedom to choose what movie we want to see. You could go see a wonderful film like "Juno" that actually has pro-lifers and pro-choicers agreeing about how wonderful it is from both sides of the abortion issue. You could go see a hauntingly real film like "No Country For Old Men." You can even go see "Cloverfield" and be disappointed because you can't wrap your brain around the fact that there's no clear ending and it's not a conventional film. Or you can leave your brain at home and see "Meet the Spartans." I mean, COME ON, it has Britney Spears references and makes fun of "You Got Served" (not realizing that films like "You Got Served" make fun of themselves). Those are ALWAYS hilarious.
My point is that just because you have the freedom to see shitty movies doesn't mean you should. Other countries don't have those freedoms but they do have freedom enough to car bomb and kill each other on a daily basis. We, in America, don't have that freedom. Should we? Hell, no. Certain things just shouldn't be free.
So, next time you're in line at the movie theater and you're about to buy a ticket that costs almost as much as your electric bill, think about those rich drug snorting jackasses making money off of your poor taste. They are laughing at you.
If you REALLY need to see those films, download a bootleg, rent for free from your local library, or burn a copy. Don't encourage more of these films.
You know better, America.
Sincerely,
R.P.
P.S. - There's going to be another one of these if you make a hit out of that "Eva Longoria's a ghost" movie. Fair warning!
What the fuck?!?
Look, I'm not mad at you. I know that you just need some mindless entertainment at the end of the week to relax and unwind after a long week of work/collecting welfare/selling drugs. And I know that maybe your town just doesn't get the "art house" movies and subtitles are "hard to read", but this past week (and possibly this weekend for all I know), you have committed a sin and should feel insanely guilty for it. I feel badly for you and hope that you come to your senses soon, but if I didn't know any better, I'd say nothing is changing. You will head out to the local cineplex and make "Meet the Spartans" the number one movie for two weeks in a row.
"Meet the Spartans"...really? Why? I could have understood and forgiven you if it had been Rambo you all so desperately wanted to see. There's a lot of nostalgia right now for 80's Cold War films and you grew up on Sylvester Stallone mumbling and hitting/shooting things. I get it. But even John Rambo got second place behind the latest in the line of tired and shitty "spoof" films like "Epic Movie" and "Date Movie."
I have to admit, I enjoyed the first couple of "Scary Movie" films. I chuckled out loud a few times and quoted dialogue with my friends later. But by the time they did the fourth one and weren't even spoofing horror films anymore (8 Mile?!), the laughter died and was just replaced with wasted time. I even sat and watched "Date Movie" with my roommate Josh and I can't remember ONE time we laughed...at anything. (Oh! The wedding planner has a big ass like J. Lo! I GET IT! The chick's in a fat suit! Heeee-fucking-larious.)
America, Hollywood thinks you're stupid. Red staters talk all the time about how Hollywood is so "out-of-touch" with the "real" America. "These actors need to keep their opinions to themselves and stop thinking we're a bunch of one-toothed yokels." Then, you all go and pull a stunt like this! You're just ENCOURAGING Hollywood to keep cranking out these lazy films that are just full of references to other FUNNIER movies and jokes about pop culture icons!
Do you know how EASY it is to write one of these films? Take 5 of the most recent top grossing films, add three of the top ten entertainment news stories, and throw in one part bathroom humor and you have a so-called "Spoof Movie." 5 coked-up writers that need money to buy more coke crank these things out overnight! And then, they all sit back, get rich, and laugh about how easy it was to get you to pay $10 a pop to laugh at their recycled jokes.
In fact, it's SO simple, I SERIOUSLY JUST made this scene up from the new film I'm working on called "Pop-Culture Reference Movie", coming to theaters after the writers strike:
*************
Exterior shot.
We see our main character driving down a busy L.A. street. He's talking on a cell phone until the woman driving in front of him starts swerving all over the road. He hangs up and hits his brake as the woman fishtails into several parked cars and a storefront.
Lindsey Lohan gets out of the car in a short mini-skirt and a live BEAVER falls out from her crotch.
Lindsey Lohan: Oops! (taking swig of vodka straight from bottle)
And scene.
************
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! ROTFLMAO!!!! Get it?!?! SHE CAN'T DRIVE!!! AND SHE'S A DRUNK! THAT FLASHES HER CROTCH!!!!!!! CAUSE THE BEAVER WAS A REFERENCE TO A WOMAN'S VAGINA!!!!!! OMG!
That right there is going to make me rich! And with all the money I will earn from you easily amused bumpkins, I'm buying a mansion. That mansion will be built with brick. And on each brick will be a different face of another yokel that helped me buy my fancy house. THANKS AMERICA! Look for "Pop Culture Reference Movie" THIS SUMMER!
I know that what makes this country great is that we have the freedom to choose what movie we want to see. You could go see a wonderful film like "Juno" that actually has pro-lifers and pro-choicers agreeing about how wonderful it is from both sides of the abortion issue. You could go see a hauntingly real film like "No Country For Old Men." You can even go see "Cloverfield" and be disappointed because you can't wrap your brain around the fact that there's no clear ending and it's not a conventional film. Or you can leave your brain at home and see "Meet the Spartans." I mean, COME ON, it has Britney Spears references and makes fun of "You Got Served" (not realizing that films like "You Got Served" make fun of themselves). Those are ALWAYS hilarious.
My point is that just because you have the freedom to see shitty movies doesn't mean you should. Other countries don't have those freedoms but they do have freedom enough to car bomb and kill each other on a daily basis. We, in America, don't have that freedom. Should we? Hell, no. Certain things just shouldn't be free.
So, next time you're in line at the movie theater and you're about to buy a ticket that costs almost as much as your electric bill, think about those rich drug snorting jackasses making money off of your poor taste. They are laughing at you.
If you REALLY need to see those films, download a bootleg, rent for free from your local library, or burn a copy. Don't encourage more of these films.
You know better, America.
Sincerely,
R.P.
P.S. - There's going to be another one of these if you make a hit out of that "Eva Longoria's a ghost" movie. Fair warning!