(no subject)

[bmawsh]

Why can't life just be somewhat simple? I'm not saying, hand me everything on a platter. But why must human nature be so complicated? Why must we be blessed with these amazing moments, then have them taken away so abruptly? And by the time it's over, we realize we didn't enjoy it, or take it in as much as we should have. Erica was right, you should never go back to an old relationship. You left it for a reason. And once you go back, there's no initial excitement there. So why can't I let go of this? I mean, I've let him go. I am perfectly content in this cat and mouse chase I've put myself into. [Well perfectly content is a stretch.] But I am enjoying the butterflies. I am enjoying learning every crevice and detail of his face. I'm enjoying the feeling of getting used to someones touch. I'm enjoying the anticipation for when I get to see him again. When I get to lay in bed and giggle at silly things. But I am disappointed in myself for hurting Ryan so badly. I'm disappointed in myself for letting him down so badly. But I guess I'll continue to be narcissistic. I'll admit it, I am. But at the same time, I have this huge sense of nostalgia clinging to my heart. It's been there since 2002, and chances are it has no intentions of relocating.

I will get what I want. Beer. I will be heard. Pot. I will surrender one day. Xanax. I will never let anyone get the best of me. Cocaine.