The Bluth Yacht, Monday night
GOB was trying to figure things out. The only person in Fandom he could talk to about the situation was Jarod, and GOB suspected that he didn't understand exactly how this relationship worked.
With no other choice, GOB picked up the phone and dialed his sibling's number.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Michael."
"GOB? Oh, God, what did you do this time?"
"What, can't I call to check in on my favorite little brother?"
"Apparently not. You disappeared six months ago and came to visit once. I haven't heard from you since."
"Well, I'm checking in now."
"Why?"
"Um..."
"So, what did you do this time?"
"... I'm having some woman problems."
"You already have one son that you've abandoned a few times and you've only known about him for two years."
"Never speak of Steve Holt. You don't have the right."
"..."
"No, it's not a kid thing."
"... Good. Is it a marriage thing? Seriously, GOB, just suck it up and get the annulment this time."
"Annulment?"
"There was that one woman... With the dares?"
"I have no clue what you're talking about, Michael."
"Fine. Okay, what kind of woman problems?"
"I'm in love with a hooker."
"Again?"
"No, this time is different."
"How so?"
"I don't have to pay her."
"You haven't paid her? So her pimp--"
"No! I haven't dealt with any pimps since Mr. F took out the competition back home."
"That's right, your puppet was running the whore market over here."
"I was so proud of the little guy."
"GOB."
"She's actually an ex-hooker. She runs the brothel here."
"You have a brothel there?"
"Right by the docks."
"So right by you?"
"Yeah."
"Of course."
"She enjoys my company."
"You had sex with a hooker. Well done."
"Without her charging me! That's important. That means something."
"So you're having problems with her?"
"I told her that I love her."
"Any reasonable woman would have a problem with that."
"Just because you say 'I love you' to a hooker during sex--"
"Just taking a guess here, was that the first time you told her that?"
"I mumbled it while I was drunk one time..."
"Ah."
"... over the phone."
"GOB..."
"Don't worry, I told her I didn't mean it. That didn't work this time, though."
"..."
"Michael? Are you there?"
"... Yes, GOB."
"Good. Anyway, she chased me out of the brothel after I said that. I went back later and talked my way out of it by making her question what she actually wanted out of this relationship. I got lucky there."
"You consider that lucky?"
"Well, she didn't shoot or throw knives at me this time."
"I don't want to know, do I?"
"No."
"So why exactly did you call?"
"You're my brother! My hermano! I need advice on what to do."
"Ask someone else? I don't know if you've noticed, but I haven't had the best luck with women."
"Who else am I supposed to talk to?"
"I don't know. Dad?"
"He's married to our mother."
"Oh, that's right."
"Then there's Buster..."
"Same problem with our mother."
"Tobias..."
"I can't believe he still hasn't come out yet."
"George Michael..."
"Don't bring George Michael into this."
"He's probably still mad about Ann anyway."
"Who? OH, Ann! Yeah, well, teenage boys tend to get mad when their uncles shack up with their ex-girlfriends."
"She was legal and single!"
"She was just out of high school."
"So she didn't have to worry about classes anymore. That doesn't matter here, though. I don't think Becky even went to high school."
"GOB? How old is this Becky?"
" Nineteen."
"... Well, that's older than a few of them have been. I guess that I have to appreciate the fact that you at least thought about it and realized that I'm the only person who could give you responsible advice--"
"And Lindsey wasn't answering the phone when I called."
"You called Lindsey first? Why?"
"She's my best shot at trying to figure out the mind of a nineteen-year-old former hooker."
"Sadly, that actually makes some sense. Okay, so you had nobody else to turn to."
"And your first marriage was pretty solid. You know what you're talking about with women and I'm not just saying that."
"Yes, you are just saying that. And it wasn't my first marriage, it was my only marriage. And she died. Remember?"
"You were doing okay before that happened."
"..."
"Michael?"
"You know what? Just put on your Hot Cops suit and try to dazzle her, I don't ca--"
"The last time I tried that, a ninja stabbed me."
"..."
"Michael?"
"*thump* *thump* *thump*"
"Michael, are you there?"
"*CRASH* Remind me not to bang my head against the wall in the model home?"
"Only if you help me out here. Because all I've got is 'get her drunk again' and that only leads to more sex, which doesn't solve anything because she probably won't let me get close enough to her with booze right now!"
"*thump* *thump* *thump*"
"Michael?"
"*CRASH*"
"You could have used that warning."
"Just give her some time and try not to say anything about your feelings?"
"Oh, what makes you the expert on women all of a sudden?"
"Goodbye, GOB."
"Don't hang-- Dammit."
With no other choice, GOB picked up the phone and dialed his sibling's number.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Michael."
"GOB? Oh, God, what did you do this time?"
"What, can't I call to check in on my favorite little brother?"
"Apparently not. You disappeared six months ago and came to visit once. I haven't heard from you since."
"Well, I'm checking in now."
"Why?"
"Um..."
"So, what did you do this time?"
"... I'm having some woman problems."
"You already have one son that you've abandoned a few times and you've only known about him for two years."
"Never speak of Steve Holt. You don't have the right."
"..."
"No, it's not a kid thing."
"... Good. Is it a marriage thing? Seriously, GOB, just suck it up and get the annulment this time."
"Annulment?"
"There was that one woman... With the dares?"
"I have no clue what you're talking about, Michael."
"Fine. Okay, what kind of woman problems?"
"I'm in love with a hooker."
"Again?"
"No, this time is different."
"How so?"
"I don't have to pay her."
"You haven't paid her? So her pimp--"
"No! I haven't dealt with any pimps since Mr. F took out the competition back home."
"That's right, your puppet was running the whore market over here."
"I was so proud of the little guy."
"GOB."
"She's actually an ex-hooker. She runs the brothel here."
"You have a brothel there?"
"Right by the docks."
"So right by you?"
"Yeah."
"Of course."
"She enjoys my company."
"You had sex with a hooker. Well done."
"Without her charging me! That's important. That means something."
"So you're having problems with her?"
"I told her that I love her."
"Any reasonable woman would have a problem with that."
"Just because you say 'I love you' to a hooker during sex--"
"Just taking a guess here, was that the first time you told her that?"
"I mumbled it while I was drunk one time..."
"Ah."
"... over the phone."
"GOB..."
"Don't worry, I told her I didn't mean it. That didn't work this time, though."
"..."
"Michael? Are you there?"
"... Yes, GOB."
"Good. Anyway, she chased me out of the brothel after I said that. I went back later and talked my way out of it by making her question what she actually wanted out of this relationship. I got lucky there."
"You consider that lucky?"
"Well, she didn't shoot or throw knives at me this time."
"I don't want to know, do I?"
"No."
"So why exactly did you call?"
"You're my brother! My hermano! I need advice on what to do."
"Ask someone else? I don't know if you've noticed, but I haven't had the best luck with women."
"Who else am I supposed to talk to?"
"I don't know. Dad?"
"He's married to our mother."
"Oh, that's right."
"Then there's Buster..."
"Same problem with our mother."
"Tobias..."
"I can't believe he still hasn't come out yet."
"George Michael..."
"Don't bring George Michael into this."
"He's probably still mad about Ann anyway."
"Who? OH, Ann! Yeah, well, teenage boys tend to get mad when their uncles shack up with their ex-girlfriends."
"She was legal and single!"
"She was just out of high school."
"So she didn't have to worry about classes anymore. That doesn't matter here, though. I don't think Becky even went to high school."
"GOB? How old is this Becky?"
" Nineteen."
"... Well, that's older than a few of them have been. I guess that I have to appreciate the fact that you at least thought about it and realized that I'm the only person who could give you responsible advice--"
"And Lindsey wasn't answering the phone when I called."
"You called Lindsey first? Why?"
"She's my best shot at trying to figure out the mind of a nineteen-year-old former hooker."
"Sadly, that actually makes some sense. Okay, so you had nobody else to turn to."
"And your first marriage was pretty solid. You know what you're talking about with women and I'm not just saying that."
"Yes, you are just saying that. And it wasn't my first marriage, it was my only marriage. And she died. Remember?"
"You were doing okay before that happened."
"..."
"Michael?"
"You know what? Just put on your Hot Cops suit and try to dazzle her, I don't ca--"
"The last time I tried that, a ninja stabbed me."
"..."
"Michael?"
"*thump* *thump* *thump*"
"Michael, are you there?"
"*CRASH* Remind me not to bang my head against the wall in the model home?"
"Only if you help me out here. Because all I've got is 'get her drunk again' and that only leads to more sex, which doesn't solve anything because she probably won't let me get close enough to her with booze right now!"
"*thump* *thump* *thump*"
"Michael?"
"*CRASH*"
"You could have used that warning."
"Just give her some time and try not to say anything about your feelings?"
"Oh, what makes you the expert on women all of a sudden?"
"Goodbye, GOB."
"Don't hang-- Dammit."