The collective, thoughts, and family
So Lou has been calling me the collective.
I generally say things like. . ."Babe? We are hungry." "Babe? We need cuddles."
So it's come into Borg territory and the collective it is. Those of you that don't know what the 'Borg' are, get out from under a rock and watch some trek yo.
So I'm just past 11 weeks and doing well, I just found out that my cousin is unwed and pregnant. Good times.
She hasn't gone to the doctor yet and claims that she is 6-8 weeks along, big diff in those weeks btw, but what has me kinda pissed off? She has told me that she had 2 miscarrages.
Now. . .if you found out you were pregnant and you had miscarrages in the past. . .wouldn't you . . .I dunno. . .rush to the doctors?
Maybe that's just me. . .but I would.
Anyway. . . .
I'm still not really talking to my Mom and Dad. I'm getting to the point where I'm pulling away from my family in general. I was told someone was pregnant at Christmas dinner, actually AT the table, and I freaked out. I then heard it threw the grape vine that people said I would 'get over it' and the person felt they had to hide it from me and 'poor them' for having to keep this happy shit a secret.
Now lets get this shit straight.
I didn't come out to the family about all this . . .mostly because I didn't feel, and I still don't, feel close to any of them. Some I have seen a handful of times and I hardly know the ones I do see often. I never really had a very close connection with one of my cousins and I am mostly ignored by some. Which I'm fine with. If they think they are too good to talk to me, it's their fucking loss.
Seriously.
So why would I want to open up to everyone about things? Why would I want to burden them with my shit when they obviously have their own to deal with?!
Becasue of that it was held back how many babies I had lost, and I tried to keep cool about it. I tried to not look at kids in my family with longing, I tried to not cry when I heard this person is pregnant or just had another baby. I really fucking tried. But all I could do is feel anger or hurt as if they were rubbing it in my face.
Of course they weren't, but it felt that way.
So when someone got pregnant and I thought they were my friend. . . AND they knew. . . I guess I was hurt. I was hurt that I thought of this person as a friend. . .and they kept something from me. Now I heard the reasoning was becasue they wanted me to get pregnant again so we could share the expierence. . . .but if I DID, and I did, what were the chances that I would make it to term, and I didn't.
Is there logic to that? None whatso ever.
I guess that brings me to the fight I had with my Mother.
I was joking about how I didn't have anyone to throw my shower. Annie and I haven't talked in over 2 years now and Sonja. . .yeah. . lets talk about Sonja shall we?
I was pregnant last October. . .and I miscarried the weekend of the 16th, the same weekend that she was having a Halloween party. Lou called her while I was hemoraging and in labor and said we can't make it. I would of called but I was in serious pain.
She hung up on him.
Now is that the appropriate thing to do? Hang up on someone when they are loosing a child to throw a fit becasue we aren't coming to a fucking halloween party?! The following Monday I got a text message from her that said she didn't want to be my friend any longer.
No fucking big loss, I mean I miss the kids. . . I really do. . but I don't miss her.
She was one of those people who had to have the biggest and best of everything. She wanted a porshe, a big expensive house to show off, everything. . .and I was over it. She went on vacation to Disney and bitched the whole way home about the vacation.
I'm sorry, but if I got to go to Disney. . I wouldn't be complaining. But that's just me.
So I really don't have anyone I would ask to throw me a shower. I have plently of people I would love to attend. . . .I told my Mother I would throw my own shower. She didn't like that at all. She didn't like the idea that I wouldn't be christening the baby either. . .and I'm really sick of trying to please people.
Well thats a diffrent blog now, isn't it?
I guess I am just going to cross my fingers and make a wish on a star.. . .. .
I generally say things like. . ."Babe? We are hungry." "Babe? We need cuddles."
So it's come into Borg territory and the collective it is. Those of you that don't know what the 'Borg' are, get out from under a rock and watch some trek yo.
So I'm just past 11 weeks and doing well, I just found out that my cousin is unwed and pregnant. Good times.
She hasn't gone to the doctor yet and claims that she is 6-8 weeks along, big diff in those weeks btw, but what has me kinda pissed off? She has told me that she had 2 miscarrages.
Now. . .if you found out you were pregnant and you had miscarrages in the past. . .wouldn't you . . .I dunno. . .rush to the doctors?
Maybe that's just me. . .but I would.
Anyway. . . .
I'm still not really talking to my Mom and Dad. I'm getting to the point where I'm pulling away from my family in general. I was told someone was pregnant at Christmas dinner, actually AT the table, and I freaked out. I then heard it threw the grape vine that people said I would 'get over it' and the person felt they had to hide it from me and 'poor them' for having to keep this happy shit a secret.
Now lets get this shit straight.
I didn't come out to the family about all this . . .mostly because I didn't feel, and I still don't, feel close to any of them. Some I have seen a handful of times and I hardly know the ones I do see often. I never really had a very close connection with one of my cousins and I am mostly ignored by some. Which I'm fine with. If they think they are too good to talk to me, it's their fucking loss.
Seriously.
So why would I want to open up to everyone about things? Why would I want to burden them with my shit when they obviously have their own to deal with?!
Becasue of that it was held back how many babies I had lost, and I tried to keep cool about it. I tried to not look at kids in my family with longing, I tried to not cry when I heard this person is pregnant or just had another baby. I really fucking tried. But all I could do is feel anger or hurt as if they were rubbing it in my face.
Of course they weren't, but it felt that way.
So when someone got pregnant and I thought they were my friend. . . AND they knew. . . I guess I was hurt. I was hurt that I thought of this person as a friend. . .and they kept something from me. Now I heard the reasoning was becasue they wanted me to get pregnant again so we could share the expierence. . . .but if I DID, and I did, what were the chances that I would make it to term, and I didn't.
Is there logic to that? None whatso ever.
I guess that brings me to the fight I had with my Mother.
I was joking about how I didn't have anyone to throw my shower. Annie and I haven't talked in over 2 years now and Sonja. . .yeah. . lets talk about Sonja shall we?
I was pregnant last October. . .and I miscarried the weekend of the 16th, the same weekend that she was having a Halloween party. Lou called her while I was hemoraging and in labor and said we can't make it. I would of called but I was in serious pain.
She hung up on him.
Now is that the appropriate thing to do? Hang up on someone when they are loosing a child to throw a fit becasue we aren't coming to a fucking halloween party?! The following Monday I got a text message from her that said she didn't want to be my friend any longer.
No fucking big loss, I mean I miss the kids. . . I really do. . but I don't miss her.
She was one of those people who had to have the biggest and best of everything. She wanted a porshe, a big expensive house to show off, everything. . .and I was over it. She went on vacation to Disney and bitched the whole way home about the vacation.
I'm sorry, but if I got to go to Disney. . I wouldn't be complaining. But that's just me.
So I really don't have anyone I would ask to throw me a shower. I have plently of people I would love to attend. . . .I told my Mother I would throw my own shower. She didn't like that at all. She didn't like the idea that I wouldn't be christening the baby either. . .and I'm really sick of trying to please people.
Well thats a diffrent blog now, isn't it?
I guess I am just going to cross my fingers and make a wish on a star.. . .. .