Crash, kick, boom
Last night my hormones crashed. They are still crashing now.
I don't think I have ever felt such sadness before.
Yesterday was Easter, a time of rebirth a time for celebration (if you are religious) but I was filled with nothing but sadness.
I told my mother I wouldn't be at Easter dinner, I didn't have the strength to be around my family. Some of which who I hardly have any interaction with.
Don't get me wrong, I love my family, I just feel guarded around some of them. Like they don't know me or care, I'm not totally sure. We make snap judgements about people we know and don't know, isn't that the same for family?
So when I started really pulling away from people last year, in my mind it shouldn't of been a shock. At least not to me. I never told my family about all the babies I lost. I'm not sure why.
I heard 'don't dwell on it' and 'let it go' and 'she'll get over it' and it just hurt more. I guess that's why this time I'm not holding anything back.
I want everyone to know what it feels like to hold a dead child in your hand. See his little arms and his little body still. I want to try and make them understand the pain I feel, the sorrow I have from holding him, having him for that split second and then realizing he wasn't alone.
I have lost five children in fifteen months and I can't understand why.
I can't understand why I have been picked to go threw this.
Why I have to have hope and dreams and excitement and then have them pulled away from me as if I was unworthy.
Why do I have to watch people with children? See people treat them as if they were a 'thing' or 'something to do'
Why do I have to feel so full and soft, filled and womanly to have it ripped away?
No one understands what this does to a womans psyche.
I feel like an 'it.' I can't do something as simple as reproduce. Have a child, be a woman. My soft curves mean for nothing, I could be a man reasigned as a woman.
I feel alone and lost and torn.
Barren.
And all people can say is 'you'll get over it' or 'god will give it to you when you are ready'
I'm mad and upset and horribly depressed. I hope it's just the hormones.
I don't think I have ever felt such sadness before.
Yesterday was Easter, a time of rebirth a time for celebration (if you are religious) but I was filled with nothing but sadness.
I told my mother I wouldn't be at Easter dinner, I didn't have the strength to be around my family. Some of which who I hardly have any interaction with.
Don't get me wrong, I love my family, I just feel guarded around some of them. Like they don't know me or care, I'm not totally sure. We make snap judgements about people we know and don't know, isn't that the same for family?
So when I started really pulling away from people last year, in my mind it shouldn't of been a shock. At least not to me. I never told my family about all the babies I lost. I'm not sure why.
I heard 'don't dwell on it' and 'let it go' and 'she'll get over it' and it just hurt more. I guess that's why this time I'm not holding anything back.
I want everyone to know what it feels like to hold a dead child in your hand. See his little arms and his little body still. I want to try and make them understand the pain I feel, the sorrow I have from holding him, having him for that split second and then realizing he wasn't alone.
I have lost five children in fifteen months and I can't understand why.
I can't understand why I have been picked to go threw this.
Why I have to have hope and dreams and excitement and then have them pulled away from me as if I was unworthy.
Why do I have to watch people with children? See people treat them as if they were a 'thing' or 'something to do'
Why do I have to feel so full and soft, filled and womanly to have it ripped away?
No one understands what this does to a womans psyche.
I feel like an 'it.' I can't do something as simple as reproduce. Have a child, be a woman. My soft curves mean for nothing, I could be a man reasigned as a woman.
I feel alone and lost and torn.
Barren.
And all people can say is 'you'll get over it' or 'god will give it to you when you are ready'
I'm mad and upset and horribly depressed. I hope it's just the hormones.