Readiness Is Near (5/?)
Title: Readiness Is Near (5/?)
Author: blushemphasises/tinydancer
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Timeline: AU of late S4
Rating: Mature
Warning: None
Words: 2,669 (12,386 total)
Summary: Brian doesn’t usually try new things. He doesn’t think life has much more to offer him anyway. He’s done it all and anything he hasn’t tried is surely a path to his demise. Even a certain blond barista can’t change this, no matter how much he might complicate things.
Previous Chapters: One | Two | Three | Four
A/N: On AO3
Brian is willing to admit, at least to himself, that he has no fucking idea what he’s doing when it comes to Justin. It didn’t take long for him to discover that this, this thing with Justin is a lot like being knocked over the head and then dragged over to somewhere akin to homo heaven, and all without his permission. Brian might still be confused and irritated by the initial blow, but he can’t help but appreciate the joys of homo heaven anyway, well so to speak.
It’s weird because sometimes, just being with Justin is so fucking natural that Brian doesn’t even realise what he’s doing until much later. Like that time he had dropped by the café during their lunch breaks - Justin’s stomach had growled with such surprising volume that Brian had snorted and suggested they go out for lunch before getting to the actual fucking.
The lunch was good - contenting even, and Brian didn’t really think much of it when he paid for both their sandwiches. It wasn’t until he had arrived home and when he was standing in the quietness of his own loft that he realised he might have actually gone on a fucking date, unconventional as it was.
But after the initial realisation, Brian had supposed if that was a fucking date then maybe these fucking dates aren’t actually so horrifying - and isn’t that hilarious? Brian Kinney, acknowledging (only to himself, that is) that dates might not only be a petty excuse, a mere convention so that breeders and stepford fags alike can conform to society’s ridiculous notion that you have to wine n’ dine your fuckee as a prerequisite to the actual fucking. Jesus, what a total fucking joke.
Maybe this wouldn’t all be so alarming if his alleged friends weren’t being so fucking supportive of his and Justin’s little non-relationship, or whatever the fuck it is.
It’s actually kind of surprising just how accepting the gang is of Justin, or even that they can so easily accept that Brian’s involved with someone in the first place. Maybe they’re just relieved - a case of Oh, I’m so glad he’s moving on and growing up. But fuck that. It’s not like he and Justin are fucking monogamous or some shit. Did they ever consider that the only reason he’s slowing down a little on the tricking these days is because he’s still fucking recovering?
Whatever’s the case, Brian should have fucking expected it when Lindsay shows up on his doorstep one morning; wanting to talk about this Justin she keeps hearing about (trust Deb and her big mouth to make out the whole ice-pack scenario into something more than it actually was). And the universe is probably having a fucking field day with Brian’s life right now because just as Lindsay steps inside the loft, out comes Justin in all his naked glory, fresh out of the shower and wrapped in Brian’s favourite stark-red, 100% Egyptian cotton towel.
“Hey Brian, I think -” Justin stops in his tracks, clearly noticing Lindsay.
“Hello,” Lindsay gives a little laugh, obviously embarrassed. Well, good. Though it’s not like she’s typically too embarrassed in front of Brian’s usual half-naked (or in some cases, completely naked) tricks. “I’m Lindsay. You must be Justin?”
“Um, Hi.” Justin says and the kid’s obviously confused as to how she knows this. Oh god, he probably thinks that Brian’s been talking about him. “Nice to meet you,” Justin continues. “I’ll, uh… go put on some clothes.”
As Justin disappears into the bathroom again, Brian takes the chance to grab Lindsay’s elbow and steer her into the kitchen.
“Hey - Brian!” She’s says, releasing herself from his grasp.
Brian ignores her. “What the fuck are you doing?”
Lindsay sighs. “Why didn’t you tell me, Brian?” She says softly, though her tone is also a little accusatory. “Something as huge as this…” She trails off and Brian glares at her.
“Jesus, sorry I forgot to send out the announcements. And since when are you so fucking keen to hear about who I fuck?”
Lindsay eyes Brian for a moment and then places a gentle hand on his shoulder. Brian resists the urge to shake it off. “Since it has the potential to become something more…it’d be nice to hear that things are going well for at least one of us,” her smile is sad then, and Brian feels momentarily guilty for forgetting about the whole Sam Auerbach fiasco in all his preoccupation with Justin. “And anyway, usually I don’t have to ask - you just tell me whether I want to hear about it or not.”
At this, Brian glares at her some more, but apparently she’s grown immune to the infamous Kinney Glare because Lindsay smiles wider in return - probably trying to be encouraging. Brian rolls his eyes and heads to the coffee table where he left his pack of cigarettes. If he’s going to suffer through this onslaught, he may as well be prepared.
*
As it turns out, Justin and Lindsay get along so well that it’s both terrifying and fascinating to watch.
Their combination of blond hair and WASP-ish manners - not to mention their never-ending conversations about art and form - is somewhat amusing to watch. Though Brian second-guesses that notion when Lindsay invites them over to dinner while she’s on her way out the door.
“Oh, you two should drop by for dinner tonight,” she smiles at them. “That is, if you guys aren’t too busy.”
Well, fuck that. Normally, Brian wouldn’t have really minded - it’s Lindsay’s house and she can invite the fucking pope over to dinner for all Brian gives a shit. But it’s the way she had said it, she couldn’t have made them sound more like couple if she’d tried.
Thankfully, Justin doesn’t jump at the invitation and throws a glance at Brian instead.
“Um, I’m not sure about Brian but I think I might be busy…” He trails off, obviously at loss, and then shoots Brian another questioning glance. Brian decides to cut in.
“Sorry, my schedule’s full. Maybe next month.”
“Oh Brian, it’s only a dinner.” Lindsay laughs. “Well, let me know if you change your minds.” And with that, she kisses him goodbye and let’s herself out.
The loft is too silent after she leaves, and Brian watches Justin as he quietly starts walking around, picking up the sketchbook and pencils from the night before.
“Justin,” Brian says, and the blond looks up from his work. “Do you want to go?”
Justin takes a moment to consider, and then continues packing his shit up. “Like she said, it’s only a dinner.” He shrugs without looking up, his tone careful. “I don’t mind either way.”
Oh, so he’s going to be diplomatic about it?
“It’s a simple question: do want to go?” Brian asks again, his eyes never leaving Justin’s moving form.
“Well, I guess I was hoping… forget it,” he sighs.
Brian can take a guess. “You want to meet Gus?”
Justin looks up then and smiles a little, “Well, you do talk about him a lot.”
Brian hadn’t even realised that he did, but it seems likely. Ever since the cancer Brian’s been hanging out a lot more with Gus these days.
Oh, what the hell. What more does he have to lose now, anyway? Everyone’s already assumed the worse.
“If you’re intent on dinner with the munchers I’m not going to stop you,” Brian pauses. “And I guess I should come along in case you’re exposed to something too lesbionic for your virgin eyes.”
Justin’s smile grows then, and he steps closer to Brian until they’re only a foot apart.
“Such a hero,” Justin breathes out, and Brian can’t tell if he’s being mockingly breathless or if it’s genuine. He raises his eyebrows.
“Always there to protect me...” Justin continues in the same tone.
Okay it’s definitely mocking, the little shit - though Brian doesn’t exactly mind it when the silly twat follows his insolent teasing with a long and languid kiss.
*
The dinner could’ve been worse. It’s all very normal as they take off their coats and Lindsay greets them at the door with an excited Gus. Mel is apparently indisposed - something Brian is perfectly fine with.
Gus had been shy with Justin at first, but Justin worked his blond-blue-eyed charm and soon enough, Gus is leading them upstairs, eager for a newcomer to see his toy collection.
“Daddy you gave me this one!” he shows them a teddy bear that has since grown ragged, obviously having suffered from a case of over-cuddling.
“Sure, did Sonnyboy,” Brian grins, ruffling his kid’s hair and Gus giggles excitedly.
He clears his throat and steps back when he remembers that Justin’s watching them, but Justin only smiles at him and then crouches down next to Gus to get a better look at the toy.
“Seems like you love this teddy very much,” he says. “You know, I had a teddy bear like this when I was your age…And guess what his name was?”
“What was his name?” Gus asks, all wide-eyed.
“His name was Gus!” Justin laughs and Gus obviously thinks it’s funny as well since he starts laughing too. “I was a teddy bear!” Gus says, obviously having grasped the idea of reincarnation at the tender age of four.
Brian chuckles, shaking his head at the two of them. He can’t help but feel an overwhelming fondness for his son - and if he were feeling particularly lesbionic, he might even say for Justin too.
*
Remarkably, things with Justin become somewhat less confusing and maybe more relaxed after the dinner with Gus and Linds. The days that follow are filled with both scheduled and unscheduled fucks with Justin, or seeing him at Babylon or Woody’s enough fucking times to call them meet-ups.
Justin is apparently big on charities, so he drags Brian along to the fundraiser for the upcoming Liberty Ride. It’s for the Liberty House Hospice so Brian doesn’t put up much of a fight in the first place - in fact, he’s glad that he went after his little talk with Jeffery Pendergrass - and the fiasco that happened afterwards only confirmed that he was right when the man turned out to be a fucking fraud.
It’s just as fucking well that everything with Justin takes a turn for the worse the day of Brian’s appointment with his oncologist.
Brian knows that he might be blowing the entire thing out of proportion, but when the doctor had told him that he’s “not twenty-one anymore”, essentially telling him that he can never resume back to his normal life - it was like someone had punched him in the gut. Of course, Brian had already known these things - though it didn’t help when the Doc reconfirmed that there’s no way to be certain the cancer won’t reoccur. But getting told so bluntly that he’s never going to get his old life back had put him on edge.
Justin, of course, had immediately sensed that there’s something off about him. But Brian remains determined to shut Justin out of this little fun corner of his life - there’s no way in hell he’s going to tell Justin that he had cancer. And because he’s already on edge, when Justin finally concedes and asks Brian whether “everything’s okay?”, Brian, of course, takes it as a chance to fucking snap.
“You’re not my fucking boyfriend,” he practically shouts. “And you should mind your own fucking business.”
After that, Justin had apparently had enough. He had glared at Brian, and then finally stormed out of the loft - and he hasn’t called Brian since.
Just as fucking well. If Brian can’t handle a measly check-up without freaking out over everything, how the hell can he handle this - this thing with Justin?
*
The next few days, Brian doesn’t so much as glance towards the Golden Gardenia on his way to work. It’s too bad since he had become rather fond of the coffee and the occasional pastries there. He tries not to think about whatever else he’s missing while he immerses himself into his work.
*
Brian’s at Kinnetik when he hears about Cody Bell’s death. It’s all over the news: a fistfight gone wrong after firearms became involved. Three deaths were officially reported, and what’s worse is that Cody was apparently fighting in the name of queers everywhere so now the gay community is under scrutiny yet again.
Brian goes home and calls Justin to ask if he’s okay.
Justin’s silent for a beat, until he sighs. “Can I come over?” he asks.
And just like that, the past few days all fade to make room for more important things in the present.
*
Life doesn’t seem so difficult when Brian’s lying on his extremely comfortable rug, passing an extremely enjoyable joint to an extremely attractive Justin.
But then Brian remembers exactly why Justin’s here next to him, and how it could’ve been Justin that had been killed today - and then life is fucking terrifying again.
“Daph actually told me that he had it coming,” Justin pauses and takes a drag. “Fuck. And I thought I was a pessimist. Usually she has nothing on me.”
Brian doesn’t respond to this, knowing that simply being allowed to speak without interruption can help situations like these. That, and also he has no fucking idea what to say.
“I guess she might be right…” Justin trails off and Brian takes a swig of his beer. “But it’s so fucking scary, though right? Since I’m all young and fucking healthy I have this ridiculous thought that I’m invincible. That nothing can touch me, even death.” He breaks off into silence then, and Brian closes his eyes against the glare of the setting sun.
“Immortality,” Brian says quietly, almost inaudibly - but Justin still hears him.
“Yeah,” Justin agrees under his breath. “Fucking immortality.”
The sun sets in the almost silence of the loft and the next time Brian speaks, it’s completely dark except for the dim orange glow of the streetlights coming from outside.
Fuck, all this talk of invincibility and immortality makes Brian pretty fucking uncomfortable, but he feels like this is the right thing to do.
“The other day…” Brian takes a breath and laughs under his breath without humour. “Yeah, I guess that day was just another reminder of exactly how fucking mortal I am.”
Brian can feel Justin turning to look at him, but he doesn’t meet his gaze. Not that he could, anyway, since the darkness in the loft obscures almost everything. “I had an appointment with my oncologist that day,” he says, and then he clears his throat. “Testicular cancer.”
There, he fucking said it.
Justin goes completely still next to him, so still that Brian’s afraid that he might not even be breathing. “It was just a post-treatment check up,” he adds. “It’s gone for now.”
Justin doesn’t reply right away, probably still trying to let the information sink in.
“Brian, I…” his voice breaks and Brian almost regrets telling him. Almost.
“Brian,” he starts again, and then slides closer to Brian this time, until he’s close enough to rest his head against Brian’s chest. “Just - thank you for telling me.”
Brian doesn’t reply, but surely Justin can hear the rate of his heart beating against his rib cage. Justin kisses Brian’s t-shirt covered chest. “I’m just so glad.”
“Of?” Brian asks, trying to go for casual. But apparently, Justin sees right through him. He gives Brian a watery smile.
“That you’re here,” Justin says. “And that I met you.”
There was a time when Brian would have rolled his eyes at that, or at least shrugged it off. But he just can’t - and he doesn’t even want to.
Brian’s glad for the darkness when he leans down and kisses Justin’s forehead with a certain gentleness he didn’t even know he possessed. He feels Justin’s answering smile against the fabric of his shirt, and then closes his eyes.
Author: blushemphasises/tinydancer
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Timeline: AU of late S4
Rating: Mature
Warning: None
Words: 2,669 (12,386 total)
Summary: Brian doesn’t usually try new things. He doesn’t think life has much more to offer him anyway. He’s done it all and anything he hasn’t tried is surely a path to his demise. Even a certain blond barista can’t change this, no matter how much he might complicate things.
Previous Chapters: One | Two | Three | Four
A/N: On AO3
Brian is willing to admit, at least to himself, that he has no fucking idea what he’s doing when it comes to Justin. It didn’t take long for him to discover that this, this thing with Justin is a lot like being knocked over the head and then dragged over to somewhere akin to homo heaven, and all without his permission. Brian might still be confused and irritated by the initial blow, but he can’t help but appreciate the joys of homo heaven anyway, well so to speak.
It’s weird because sometimes, just being with Justin is so fucking natural that Brian doesn’t even realise what he’s doing until much later. Like that time he had dropped by the café during their lunch breaks - Justin’s stomach had growled with such surprising volume that Brian had snorted and suggested they go out for lunch before getting to the actual fucking.
The lunch was good - contenting even, and Brian didn’t really think much of it when he paid for both their sandwiches. It wasn’t until he had arrived home and when he was standing in the quietness of his own loft that he realised he might have actually gone on a fucking date, unconventional as it was.
But after the initial realisation, Brian had supposed if that was a fucking date then maybe these fucking dates aren’t actually so horrifying - and isn’t that hilarious? Brian Kinney, acknowledging (only to himself, that is) that dates might not only be a petty excuse, a mere convention so that breeders and stepford fags alike can conform to society’s ridiculous notion that you have to wine n’ dine your fuckee as a prerequisite to the actual fucking. Jesus, what a total fucking joke.
Maybe this wouldn’t all be so alarming if his alleged friends weren’t being so fucking supportive of his and Justin’s little non-relationship, or whatever the fuck it is.
It’s actually kind of surprising just how accepting the gang is of Justin, or even that they can so easily accept that Brian’s involved with someone in the first place. Maybe they’re just relieved - a case of Oh, I’m so glad he’s moving on and growing up. But fuck that. It’s not like he and Justin are fucking monogamous or some shit. Did they ever consider that the only reason he’s slowing down a little on the tricking these days is because he’s still fucking recovering?
Whatever’s the case, Brian should have fucking expected it when Lindsay shows up on his doorstep one morning; wanting to talk about this Justin she keeps hearing about (trust Deb and her big mouth to make out the whole ice-pack scenario into something more than it actually was). And the universe is probably having a fucking field day with Brian’s life right now because just as Lindsay steps inside the loft, out comes Justin in all his naked glory, fresh out of the shower and wrapped in Brian’s favourite stark-red, 100% Egyptian cotton towel.
“Hey Brian, I think -” Justin stops in his tracks, clearly noticing Lindsay.
“Hello,” Lindsay gives a little laugh, obviously embarrassed. Well, good. Though it’s not like she’s typically too embarrassed in front of Brian’s usual half-naked (or in some cases, completely naked) tricks. “I’m Lindsay. You must be Justin?”
“Um, Hi.” Justin says and the kid’s obviously confused as to how she knows this. Oh god, he probably thinks that Brian’s been talking about him. “Nice to meet you,” Justin continues. “I’ll, uh… go put on some clothes.”
As Justin disappears into the bathroom again, Brian takes the chance to grab Lindsay’s elbow and steer her into the kitchen.
“Hey - Brian!” She’s says, releasing herself from his grasp.
Brian ignores her. “What the fuck are you doing?”
Lindsay sighs. “Why didn’t you tell me, Brian?” She says softly, though her tone is also a little accusatory. “Something as huge as this…” She trails off and Brian glares at her.
“Jesus, sorry I forgot to send out the announcements. And since when are you so fucking keen to hear about who I fuck?”
Lindsay eyes Brian for a moment and then places a gentle hand on his shoulder. Brian resists the urge to shake it off. “Since it has the potential to become something more…it’d be nice to hear that things are going well for at least one of us,” her smile is sad then, and Brian feels momentarily guilty for forgetting about the whole Sam Auerbach fiasco in all his preoccupation with Justin. “And anyway, usually I don’t have to ask - you just tell me whether I want to hear about it or not.”
At this, Brian glares at her some more, but apparently she’s grown immune to the infamous Kinney Glare because Lindsay smiles wider in return - probably trying to be encouraging. Brian rolls his eyes and heads to the coffee table where he left his pack of cigarettes. If he’s going to suffer through this onslaught, he may as well be prepared.
*
As it turns out, Justin and Lindsay get along so well that it’s both terrifying and fascinating to watch.
Their combination of blond hair and WASP-ish manners - not to mention their never-ending conversations about art and form - is somewhat amusing to watch. Though Brian second-guesses that notion when Lindsay invites them over to dinner while she’s on her way out the door.
“Oh, you two should drop by for dinner tonight,” she smiles at them. “That is, if you guys aren’t too busy.”
Well, fuck that. Normally, Brian wouldn’t have really minded - it’s Lindsay’s house and she can invite the fucking pope over to dinner for all Brian gives a shit. But it’s the way she had said it, she couldn’t have made them sound more like couple if she’d tried.
Thankfully, Justin doesn’t jump at the invitation and throws a glance at Brian instead.
“Um, I’m not sure about Brian but I think I might be busy…” He trails off, obviously at loss, and then shoots Brian another questioning glance. Brian decides to cut in.
“Sorry, my schedule’s full. Maybe next month.”
“Oh Brian, it’s only a dinner.” Lindsay laughs. “Well, let me know if you change your minds.” And with that, she kisses him goodbye and let’s herself out.
The loft is too silent after she leaves, and Brian watches Justin as he quietly starts walking around, picking up the sketchbook and pencils from the night before.
“Justin,” Brian says, and the blond looks up from his work. “Do you want to go?”
Justin takes a moment to consider, and then continues packing his shit up. “Like she said, it’s only a dinner.” He shrugs without looking up, his tone careful. “I don’t mind either way.”
Oh, so he’s going to be diplomatic about it?
“It’s a simple question: do want to go?” Brian asks again, his eyes never leaving Justin’s moving form.
“Well, I guess I was hoping… forget it,” he sighs.
Brian can take a guess. “You want to meet Gus?”
Justin looks up then and smiles a little, “Well, you do talk about him a lot.”
Brian hadn’t even realised that he did, but it seems likely. Ever since the cancer Brian’s been hanging out a lot more with Gus these days.
Oh, what the hell. What more does he have to lose now, anyway? Everyone’s already assumed the worse.
“If you’re intent on dinner with the munchers I’m not going to stop you,” Brian pauses. “And I guess I should come along in case you’re exposed to something too lesbionic for your virgin eyes.”
Justin’s smile grows then, and he steps closer to Brian until they’re only a foot apart.
“Such a hero,” Justin breathes out, and Brian can’t tell if he’s being mockingly breathless or if it’s genuine. He raises his eyebrows.
“Always there to protect me...” Justin continues in the same tone.
Okay it’s definitely mocking, the little shit - though Brian doesn’t exactly mind it when the silly twat follows his insolent teasing with a long and languid kiss.
*
The dinner could’ve been worse. It’s all very normal as they take off their coats and Lindsay greets them at the door with an excited Gus. Mel is apparently indisposed - something Brian is perfectly fine with.
Gus had been shy with Justin at first, but Justin worked his blond-blue-eyed charm and soon enough, Gus is leading them upstairs, eager for a newcomer to see his toy collection.
“Daddy you gave me this one!” he shows them a teddy bear that has since grown ragged, obviously having suffered from a case of over-cuddling.
“Sure, did Sonnyboy,” Brian grins, ruffling his kid’s hair and Gus giggles excitedly.
He clears his throat and steps back when he remembers that Justin’s watching them, but Justin only smiles at him and then crouches down next to Gus to get a better look at the toy.
“Seems like you love this teddy very much,” he says. “You know, I had a teddy bear like this when I was your age…And guess what his name was?”
“What was his name?” Gus asks, all wide-eyed.
“His name was Gus!” Justin laughs and Gus obviously thinks it’s funny as well since he starts laughing too. “I was a teddy bear!” Gus says, obviously having grasped the idea of reincarnation at the tender age of four.
Brian chuckles, shaking his head at the two of them. He can’t help but feel an overwhelming fondness for his son - and if he were feeling particularly lesbionic, he might even say for Justin too.
*
Remarkably, things with Justin become somewhat less confusing and maybe more relaxed after the dinner with Gus and Linds. The days that follow are filled with both scheduled and unscheduled fucks with Justin, or seeing him at Babylon or Woody’s enough fucking times to call them meet-ups.
Justin is apparently big on charities, so he drags Brian along to the fundraiser for the upcoming Liberty Ride. It’s for the Liberty House Hospice so Brian doesn’t put up much of a fight in the first place - in fact, he’s glad that he went after his little talk with Jeffery Pendergrass - and the fiasco that happened afterwards only confirmed that he was right when the man turned out to be a fucking fraud.
It’s just as fucking well that everything with Justin takes a turn for the worse the day of Brian’s appointment with his oncologist.
Brian knows that he might be blowing the entire thing out of proportion, but when the doctor had told him that he’s “not twenty-one anymore”, essentially telling him that he can never resume back to his normal life - it was like someone had punched him in the gut. Of course, Brian had already known these things - though it didn’t help when the Doc reconfirmed that there’s no way to be certain the cancer won’t reoccur. But getting told so bluntly that he’s never going to get his old life back had put him on edge.
Justin, of course, had immediately sensed that there’s something off about him. But Brian remains determined to shut Justin out of this little fun corner of his life - there’s no way in hell he’s going to tell Justin that he had cancer. And because he’s already on edge, when Justin finally concedes and asks Brian whether “everything’s okay?”, Brian, of course, takes it as a chance to fucking snap.
“You’re not my fucking boyfriend,” he practically shouts. “And you should mind your own fucking business.”
After that, Justin had apparently had enough. He had glared at Brian, and then finally stormed out of the loft - and he hasn’t called Brian since.
Just as fucking well. If Brian can’t handle a measly check-up without freaking out over everything, how the hell can he handle this - this thing with Justin?
*
The next few days, Brian doesn’t so much as glance towards the Golden Gardenia on his way to work. It’s too bad since he had become rather fond of the coffee and the occasional pastries there. He tries not to think about whatever else he’s missing while he immerses himself into his work.
*
Brian’s at Kinnetik when he hears about Cody Bell’s death. It’s all over the news: a fistfight gone wrong after firearms became involved. Three deaths were officially reported, and what’s worse is that Cody was apparently fighting in the name of queers everywhere so now the gay community is under scrutiny yet again.
Brian goes home and calls Justin to ask if he’s okay.
Justin’s silent for a beat, until he sighs. “Can I come over?” he asks.
And just like that, the past few days all fade to make room for more important things in the present.
*
Life doesn’t seem so difficult when Brian’s lying on his extremely comfortable rug, passing an extremely enjoyable joint to an extremely attractive Justin.
But then Brian remembers exactly why Justin’s here next to him, and how it could’ve been Justin that had been killed today - and then life is fucking terrifying again.
“Daph actually told me that he had it coming,” Justin pauses and takes a drag. “Fuck. And I thought I was a pessimist. Usually she has nothing on me.”
Brian doesn’t respond to this, knowing that simply being allowed to speak without interruption can help situations like these. That, and also he has no fucking idea what to say.
“I guess she might be right…” Justin trails off and Brian takes a swig of his beer. “But it’s so fucking scary, though right? Since I’m all young and fucking healthy I have this ridiculous thought that I’m invincible. That nothing can touch me, even death.” He breaks off into silence then, and Brian closes his eyes against the glare of the setting sun.
“Immortality,” Brian says quietly, almost inaudibly - but Justin still hears him.
“Yeah,” Justin agrees under his breath. “Fucking immortality.”
The sun sets in the almost silence of the loft and the next time Brian speaks, it’s completely dark except for the dim orange glow of the streetlights coming from outside.
Fuck, all this talk of invincibility and immortality makes Brian pretty fucking uncomfortable, but he feels like this is the right thing to do.
“The other day…” Brian takes a breath and laughs under his breath without humour. “Yeah, I guess that day was just another reminder of exactly how fucking mortal I am.”
Brian can feel Justin turning to look at him, but he doesn’t meet his gaze. Not that he could, anyway, since the darkness in the loft obscures almost everything. “I had an appointment with my oncologist that day,” he says, and then he clears his throat. “Testicular cancer.”
There, he fucking said it.
Justin goes completely still next to him, so still that Brian’s afraid that he might not even be breathing. “It was just a post-treatment check up,” he adds. “It’s gone for now.”
Justin doesn’t reply right away, probably still trying to let the information sink in.
“Brian, I…” his voice breaks and Brian almost regrets telling him. Almost.
“Brian,” he starts again, and then slides closer to Brian this time, until he’s close enough to rest his head against Brian’s chest. “Just - thank you for telling me.”
Brian doesn’t reply, but surely Justin can hear the rate of his heart beating against his rib cage. Justin kisses Brian’s t-shirt covered chest. “I’m just so glad.”
“Of?” Brian asks, trying to go for casual. But apparently, Justin sees right through him. He gives Brian a watery smile.
“That you’re here,” Justin says. “And that I met you.”
There was a time when Brian would have rolled his eyes at that, or at least shrugged it off. But he just can’t - and he doesn’t even want to.
Brian’s glad for the darkness when he leans down and kisses Justin’s forehead with a certain gentleness he didn’t even know he possessed. He feels Justin’s answering smile against the fabric of his shirt, and then closes his eyes.