And it continues...
What continues? The pain. The pain of having to live each and every day knowing that someone you once loved with all of your heart and soul hates you. Knowing that one of the best friends of that someone wants to kill you for hurting their friend, even though you've been hurting longer than anyone cares to know.
How am I still alive? If I'm such a horrible person, don't you think that whoever the hell is up there (since I don't believe in God) would've killed me already for hurting someone? No. I don't think so. It's not my fault that I wasn't happy. It's not my fault that being with someone for a year and then losing them to someone else killed me. It's not my fault that now that that person has come back in my life that I want to be with him. It's not my fault.
I'm not a bitch on purpose, I really am not. I try so hard to please my parents and the rest of my family. I try so hard to please my friends and everyone else that I love dearly. Except me. And the one time that I try to make myself happy, I get a back-lash. Why? I don't try to be selfish because I know that no matter what, I'm probably not gonna be happy. All I want is to spend a day without bursting into tears and wanting to kill myself.
Sarah commented on my last blog about how she thinks that it's weird that at school I'm all happy, then I get home and I type crap like this. But it's who I am right now. I can't help it. I'm trying to be better, I really am. But nothing works.
Yet again, my dad has left a note on the computer saying that I need to look for a job and not use it today. So, instead of doing what he told me to do, I get on the computer. At five (in fifteen minutes), I'll get off. He'll get home and I'll lie about looking for a job, if he asks. Besides, if I did happen to get a job, I'd already have to ask for days off because of choir. They'll fire me. So why even try right now? He doesn't understand, along with anyone else in my family.
I'm just so tired. So sick and tired of living. I wish something good would happen to me for once. Everything that happens to me turns out black... and dark. And bad. I can't be like this. I want to laugh, and smile, and joke around, and be happy...
How am I still alive? If I'm such a horrible person, don't you think that whoever the hell is up there (since I don't believe in God) would've killed me already for hurting someone? No. I don't think so. It's not my fault that I wasn't happy. It's not my fault that being with someone for a year and then losing them to someone else killed me. It's not my fault that now that that person has come back in my life that I want to be with him. It's not my fault.
I'm not a bitch on purpose, I really am not. I try so hard to please my parents and the rest of my family. I try so hard to please my friends and everyone else that I love dearly. Except me. And the one time that I try to make myself happy, I get a back-lash. Why? I don't try to be selfish because I know that no matter what, I'm probably not gonna be happy. All I want is to spend a day without bursting into tears and wanting to kill myself.
Sarah commented on my last blog about how she thinks that it's weird that at school I'm all happy, then I get home and I type crap like this. But it's who I am right now. I can't help it. I'm trying to be better, I really am. But nothing works.
Yet again, my dad has left a note on the computer saying that I need to look for a job and not use it today. So, instead of doing what he told me to do, I get on the computer. At five (in fifteen minutes), I'll get off. He'll get home and I'll lie about looking for a job, if he asks. Besides, if I did happen to get a job, I'd already have to ask for days off because of choir. They'll fire me. So why even try right now? He doesn't understand, along with anyone else in my family.
I'm just so tired. So sick and tired of living. I wish something good would happen to me for once. Everything that happens to me turns out black... and dark. And bad. I can't be like this. I want to laugh, and smile, and joke around, and be happy...