Circles
Wow, I've not opened up this program in Years and Years!
And now I added it to my phone (whaaat? They have aps now?!) I don't even know if it's posting to my journal page like it use to. Either way this is just a space to vent a LONG spewing... where no one hears.
I was sitting here alone, letting myself work through my thoughts and feelings for a bit on the subject of my birthday, more so This past birthday out of all other birthdays, because I know it's going to be a painful sorting through. But one I need to do to keep evolving as a person.
I turned 49 this year. Some would think my thoughts would be wrapped up in getting older and in being finger reach distance to 50. But 49 means much much more to me. I'm def not one hung up on ages and some of society's ideas of beauty or usefulness. So as I laughed and celebrated my 49th birthday on dec 9th, I had begun to inch towards what I needed to think about and let it start to come forward to the conscious mind. I'd taste a bit of it and the pain with it, then I'd shove it back down.
But now I'm alone and facing that I always told myself that when I turned 49, I would stop looking for my missing Mom. Because she was 49 when she disappeared. And once I hit 49, I'd have been looking for her for 24 years, and surely that meant it would be time. Time to stop periodically searching. Time to stop thinking on how much I miss her. As me and Mom are both now 49, and she will stay 49 forever... i need to face some facts....
... How old 49 seemed to me when I was only 25 years old. How 24 years of searching had seemed so very very far away at the time and that seemed a safe enough emotional distance away that I could set it as my "search end date" without much thought or expense....
.......Yesterday was the FIRST time it ever even Dawned on me that the Jane Does I was seeing on the NamUs site with possible death years that matched when mom went missing are... close to... or already are... depending upon exposure, are... skeletal. I hate that word. I mentioned this, or what should have been before now, very obvious fact to three people in my life. I could barely say the word. But anyway, in some cases just hair was left.... so DNA was not available to put in the data base to search for matching living family. That's me. I'm matching living family. And that's how long it's been. Do you get what that means? I'd allowed myself, dare I say blocked out?!, and not see until now that it's been so long that any Jane Does Now Found wouldn't have DNA or really much else, to help me match up with my mom. So if no match yet with the prior Jane Does, there won't be any matches with future Jane Does either. (I just realized I feel I HAVE to fully type out the name Jane Doe. Because to shorten it and slang it into "JDs" takes even more away from these poor missing people. Their real NAMES are already lost. Their "proper burials". Their loved ones closure. It's all been taken from them. I won't take further dignity away from them by "JD"-ing them)
But sorting through those thoughts, I was tearing a lot by then... (wow am I rambling and my writing all disjointed!) ..... and I wanted someone to talk to. Someone who Really Knew mom and how it feels to lose Her to being an "endangered missing person". But that would be those the very closest to her. Dad. My brother Steve. Her sister Janette. And Me. ... but None of those three, the three who would truly understand every thread of it, refuse to talk of her. Dad I understand. She divorced him somewhere between the process of going mad and going missing. Years of pain he shouldered alone. As his role as husband and father was just his alone. My brother though? He and I do.not.speak. At all. But even prior to our total falling out, he was already stuck in anger at how she'd been while off her meds those years, and the little boy in him still mad she had to be on them at all. He's the One, as my only sibling (growing up with me), that would understand my pain the most. And aunt janette, the second to last "hold out" in searching for her and talking about her, announced she could no longer search for Mom. Announced it a couple of months after moving in with Dad. .....awww fuck. Yeah. That little scenario is giving me more fodder for growth there.
So I text my son. My 26 year old adult son (wow, when did That happen). I said to him:
"I'm really struggling here. just having a hard time processing what I'm going through and what hurts is the three human beings who would REALLY get the full impact of what I mean or feel, aren't wanting to talk of her anymore or look for her. I can't even open my mouth about her. That hurts a lot"....
Then !bing! I thought of LiveJournal. I can pour some of this emotion out of me and onto its antiquated pages and no one reads this anymore. My extended family won't see it, my friends on fb won't see it. No one will be upset I spoke of her and these things (and in turn possibly make them feel and dear lord actually face!! their own pains and evolve some). It's a safe outlet for all involved and those not wanting to be involved.
That's when my sons text reply comes through...:
"I'm sorry mom... I know how much I love my mom and can only imagine how devastated I'd be if I went through what you did. I wish I had an answer. I wish I could take a wand and wave it and take away all of your pain. But I cant. I can only tell you that I love you,and how grateful I am to have you in my life. I'm sorry you lost your mom, and im sorry for the pain. But I am glad for the mom I have. The one that showered me in love and that was always in my corner. I'm grateful for the mom that has saved my life a dozen times, and forged me into the man I am today. I'm sorry that you don't have your mom anymore, because I'm so grateful I have mine. But maybe your mom leaving,helped forge you into the strong woman you are. Idk God's plan for you, but I know his plan gifted me with an amazing mother. I love you mom.".....
.... I was bawling by then. And speechless. And I told him so.
Thank you, Mom. It's ok to still miss you.