i want a virgin and a Lemon...but a whoLe one

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my weekend was an interesting mix of rather good and death by intoxication. too bad i didnt do it. things have actuaLLy been reaLLy bad LateLy. Like pre therapy bad. im trying to figure out what is wrong with me and there is so much that i need to take into account and im overwheLmed. i dont know where to begin...because everything that i come up with seems stupid and miniscuLe but they buiLd up and then i cant sort anything out. so i'm going to start with what reaLLy pissed me off this weekend. my fathers wife accused me of steaLing aLcohoL from our Liquor cabinet. fine...teLL me this is stupid and i need to just get over it. but i cant. i dont drink. sure...there are times when i get bLamed for things that i didnt do. the thing is, its often something that i do aLL of the time. Like i dont do my dishes or i Leave wet toweLs on the fLoor. but this was one of the few things that i never thought i wouLd have to worry about. i never thought anyone wouLd have to worry about. not onLy did she accuse me of steaLing aLcohoL, she accused some of my best friends in the worLd of it. and then denied it and twisted her words around to make them fit what she wanted the situation to be. i dont drink because i choose not to. i have pLenty of opportunities for it and its not Like i wouLd get caught if i got drunk. i spent aLmost my entire summer at Laurens house, i couLd have been doing anything. but do you know what i was doing? i pLayed frogger, hung out at r.c., and went to berkeLey. yeah...we snuck out a few times. and went to top dog, the park, and tavias house. we didnt do anything bad. i couLd have done anything that i wanted to. but i didnt. Lauren and emma drank. meLanie didnt. anyone who knows me at aLL knows that i wouLd never do it. my friends wouLdnt come to me if they wanted aLcohoL. there are a miLLion pLaces that they can get aLcohoL and they know im not one of them. but my famiLy apparentLy doesnt know me weLL enough to reaLise this. i think that is the onLy thing that i can pinpoint. ive aLso been having reaLLy weird and bad dreams. Like everytime i go to sLeep i expect and have nightmares. nearLy aLL of them invoLve me driving and my breaks faiLing. i reaLLy need my License and this makes it sound Like i probabLy shouLdnt get it anytime soon. so i need to figure out what this means. maybe the breaks are me...faiLing. the car wants to go and i need to get out...but im broken and not functioning properLy so it cant work. so my dreams consist of that...or i end up hurting someone that i care about. and i reaLLy cant stand having such restLess sLeep. sLeeping used to be my escape because i used to have a Lot of controL over my dreams but now the best i can do is sometimes reaLise that im dreaming and take it as fiction. i know this sounds crazy but whatever. i vaLue sLeep a Lot and when i dont have controL of what goes on whiLe i am awake, i at Least Like to pretend Like im happy. even if none of it matters...its a nice feeLing. aLso, instead of sitting down and trying to sort out what aiLs me...i am distracting myseLf and i feeL reaLLy irresponsibLe and stupid for not heLping myseLf. i dont want to taLk to my famiLy about what it wrong because none of it makes sense and that which does...they caused. im sLipping back into my oLd feeLings of being unmotivated and suicidaL. i dont want to get up and do anything. i make excuses and i dont go to schooL and i sLeep instead. i sLeep, work, and distract myseLf. im feeLing worthLess and my Life feeLs pointLess. it just feeLs Like nothing matters. i want to die [yeah yeah...cry emo kid] but i feeL Like i wouLd be Letting too many peopLe down if i did and that makes me feeL seLfish. i want to make a difference and heLp peopLe and i cant do that unLess i dont need so much heLp. i need to taLk to jessie...there is no one eLse at kaiser that i want to taLk to so i have to wait untiL apriL. yeah...i couLd suck it up and go see karen...but i know that i wont be honest or open. ive been cutting again and i hate it. i worked so hard to get better and i reaLLy feLt Like i was. i guess im nothing without my thursdays. i have to stop writing now because i am overwheLmed and thinking too much and i cant keep up with it. so now that i have some of what is wrong written out, i am going to Lay down, come back and re read this, and write some more. we'LL see how this goes.
xo meLonade
p.s. i just thought of something eLse that is bringing me down. i feeL Like a bad person. basicaLLy. i feeL Like i shouLd be doing so much more for other peopLe, nameLy my friends. and i feeL Like im eing a bad friend. i have created a famiLy outside of my house and my friends are where i go for support and Love and understanding and i feeL Like i reLy on them too much and dont give back enough. so if you are reading this...im sorry. im sorry for being a shit friend and im sorry for being distracted and im sorry for being seLfish. i dont know how...but i'LL make it up to you.