you're attitude...attitude

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i rarely update my livejournal but i am going to start again because i find writing to be a fabulous outlet. myspace blogging doesnt cut it for me. i go back to school january 18th. im taking photography, english, and lit magazine workshop. im excited to start. even though i really miss seeing my friends everyday, i feel like im going to like school. i have been happy lately and i dont care how cheesy that sounds. i know its largely because i dont have to go to school but i think its more than that. i like working. i feel like a five year old playing store and it feels good to be making money...im going to buy a car soon...hopefully. i like the independent feeling. my friend also make me really happy. i dont think that leaving odowd is going to affect my friendships too much (if even at all) because i need them. i love and need all of the people i surround myself with. you keep me out of the hopsital. i dont know if you understand how important you are to me. im sorry if i am to non controversial, i know its annoying that i avoid conflict and confrontation. i do it because i try to keep my relationships with my friends in good standing all the time. my family is within my friends and i am trying to make that family as perfect as possible. i feel at home with my friends and i dont know what i would do without all of you. i think i have basically repeated myself about 179843983498m34983498xd3 times...but i dont really know how to articulate myself (shocking..right?). ive also come to realise that i need my home family more than i'd like to admit. i had a really long elaborate dream about my mom. in it, she told me that she had been lying to me and she wasnt the person i thought she was. she was on drugs and drinking and lying about her job and i was really disappointed and upset. i woke up mad at her and spent the day thinking about the dream. and i came to the conclusion that if i really hated her and if she really didnt matter to me, then i wouldnt have cared what she did with her life. but i do care and she really does matter. yeah...she isnt perfect. she does a lot of things that i dont think are fair and she pisses me off a lot. but nonetheless...i care and i love my mom. im sorry if this is sappy and unnecessary...but i have had a lot of time to think lately and i am trying to use it as much as possible. i am trying to better myself and my surroundings. i write, i read, i clean, i play my guitar, i catch up on much needed sleep, i work, i think, i reflect. but i feel like im being selfish. there are so many things that i could be doing to better other people's situations. but maybe i need to help myself before i help anyone else. i am so conflicted and contrary within myself. i want to care about myself but i dont want to be selfish. i want to have self esteem, but i dont want to be delusional, blind, and wrong. i want to be somewhat confident, but i dont want to be conceited. i want to be happy, but i dont want to lose myself. i need to find a balance...a middle ground. i need to settle somewhere between all of my extremes. there is so much rushing around in my head and i dont know what to make of all of it. i dont want to abandon any of my thoughts or beliefs but i want to know who i truly am and what i really think. one thing i know, i havent been as there for my friends as i need to be and i'm sorry. i need to get things together and get my head on straight. i love everyone.
xo meLonade