catharsis
Since I'm pretty positive that no one I ever cared about reading this even remembers this website, i feel like i can be honest right now. express in words, what tears, heartbeats, water, and xanax cannot repair.
I have never in my life felt so out of control of my life.
not to say I am acting out. but more so that the future of my life for the next few months is just entirely out of my hands.
I'm getting intense ankle reconstruction surgery tomorrow and its going to put me in cast for 6 weeks, and physical therapy for at least another 6 weeks.
this will be the second time this year I will endure this.
all stemming from one small misstep on a pintball course in April.
My job, which I'm thankful to have and has me around nice people, doesnt really have any sort of promising future for me here. However, for the purpose of insurance and having a job to come back to, I will remain employed. I'll be using the remained of paid time off to recover so for the rest of the year, I cant even take an hour off of work.
Further, I don't have much faith based hope for my uncertain future in this industry or this town.
I feel like my goals which I set out for myself are so far out of reach right now, and I have so little to do with that and getting close to them seems close to impossible since I have been trying for a year and half now.
I'm stuck. I will litterally be hanicapped and stuck. losing freedom, mobility, being treated special for my handicap etc.
beyond that i cant seem to maintain any sort of normal relationship. I push friends away without realizing it. The men in my life, soon become conquests, and then nuissances. I dont plan for it, but i cant help what my desires and feelings result in. I look back on my life and I'm more comfortable with myself than I have ever been but im still that kid who cant reign in true friends. The people who call and want to just plop down and play.
I'm confused, angry, sad, despondent and frankly feel like just laying down and falling asleep for a long while.
funks come and go, but this immobility has not. I'm praying for a fast, speedy, uncomplicated recovery.
That alone would be enough for most, but I feel like once the cast is off, all the other problems will finally rush back in to my life.
I just want to wake up every morning and feel enthused about the day ahead of me. that my opinions matter, that my creativity is freeflowing and that my happiness is uncompromised. It feels so long since thats been the case and my fear is that it wont be changing.
I'll do what i can to manifest my goals, but thus far, the universe has me in this place, and it doesnt seem to want to let me go.
one day, this should all make sense. but until then, all i can do is hope for happiness.
I have never in my life felt so out of control of my life.
not to say I am acting out. but more so that the future of my life for the next few months is just entirely out of my hands.
I'm getting intense ankle reconstruction surgery tomorrow and its going to put me in cast for 6 weeks, and physical therapy for at least another 6 weeks.
this will be the second time this year I will endure this.
all stemming from one small misstep on a pintball course in April.
My job, which I'm thankful to have and has me around nice people, doesnt really have any sort of promising future for me here. However, for the purpose of insurance and having a job to come back to, I will remain employed. I'll be using the remained of paid time off to recover so for the rest of the year, I cant even take an hour off of work.
Further, I don't have much faith based hope for my uncertain future in this industry or this town.
I feel like my goals which I set out for myself are so far out of reach right now, and I have so little to do with that and getting close to them seems close to impossible since I have been trying for a year and half now.
I'm stuck. I will litterally be hanicapped and stuck. losing freedom, mobility, being treated special for my handicap etc.
beyond that i cant seem to maintain any sort of normal relationship. I push friends away without realizing it. The men in my life, soon become conquests, and then nuissances. I dont plan for it, but i cant help what my desires and feelings result in. I look back on my life and I'm more comfortable with myself than I have ever been but im still that kid who cant reign in true friends. The people who call and want to just plop down and play.
I'm confused, angry, sad, despondent and frankly feel like just laying down and falling asleep for a long while.
funks come and go, but this immobility has not. I'm praying for a fast, speedy, uncomplicated recovery.
That alone would be enough for most, but I feel like once the cast is off, all the other problems will finally rush back in to my life.
I just want to wake up every morning and feel enthused about the day ahead of me. that my opinions matter, that my creativity is freeflowing and that my happiness is uncompromised. It feels so long since thats been the case and my fear is that it wont be changing.
I'll do what i can to manifest my goals, but thus far, the universe has me in this place, and it doesnt seem to want to let me go.
one day, this should all make sense. but until then, all i can do is hope for happiness.