conundum
I feel like everything i have done in my life has lead to this moment.....i just need to put all the pieces together. Slowly but surely i feel like i am. But you know me....i'm in a never ending sea of emotional drama.
So Here's the story this time....
I met this guy a few months ago at a time i least expected to meet someone....
If you didn't already know this.....my break up with my last ex was the most horrific in my life and i was not handling it well. I was so angry and fed up with men courtesy of all the lovely things he put me through. the endless break ups and get back togethers...cheating...drunken ridiculous sex that is so thoroughly enjoyable but emotionally and mentally healthy. It was alnmost like he was my brand of heroin...nearly destroying my life. I am so disgusted with myself the things i said and did and put up with. That i allowed him to treat me that way. That i didn't walk away months before the bitter end.
Needless to say i was fucked up.....emotionally, mentally, i would even say physically (lethargic). So the fact that when i met this new guy Mr. Amazing, I could not believe i wanted him. I really wanted him. Every guy up to that point i wanted to kill, and thats not an exagertion...if you tried to buy me a beer at a buy i'd probably punch you in the face haha. But anyways.....mr.amazing came along and we went on our first date....Perfect! and we went out some more and started spending a bunch of time together but i still kept waiting for him to stop talking to mebecause it was my ex's favorite game. and he didn't really. He tried to put me on the friend table because we live across the world from each other and we shouldn't get feelings. well that lasted all of about a week. then it was going to bed together every night and waking up together every morning. then the last few days i was there he was by my side almost the whole day. He would tell me we were just friends.....but would still give me the world if i asked for it. when it was time for leaving i walked away....but just barely resisted turning around and running back to him. we exchanged emails, but really did not expect him to keep in touch.
well he wrote me three days later.....how much it sucked at the new place he was working and that he missed me. 3 months later and we're still talking...he still tells me he misses me and wishes i was there occasionally, and now has asked me to come visit him before he moves. Of course i am going to go if we can work out the details.
but here's the dilema...
I have never been able to explain to myself my feelings for him. I say it as "he's the perfect example of what i want, but i'm not sure if he's the one i want." but i know this....he is currently my rock. that thing in my life that give me the strength and inspires me to do anything i want. He randomly text's me to "smile" but what he doesn't understand is that he is my smile. at any point of the day a memory with him will appear in my mind at which my smile lights up like a christmas tree. I feel like i owe him for putting my pieces back together. when he found me i was so broken, and when i left him i felt better than i have in my life.
Being a believer in fate i think that if it is meant to be it will be. but i find myself wondering if we were in the same place would we actually be together. I could not figure out why i think this until i realized the scary truth. the fact of the matter is that i need him. He can make me smile with a memory and i never want to loose that, or tarnish that. I don't want to give him the chance to cheat on me or break my heart and ruin this neverending happiness he gives me with just a memory. but I secretly yearn for more memories. Choosing to be with him would be a huge leap of faith because i think losing him would utterly destroy me.
I wish I could tell him this.....but that is impossible. These words wll never come out of my mouth because what if i tell him and he freaks out, then i lose him. although if i don't tell him i will probably never have him. So it's basically lose lose for me. there's also the fact that ultimately for us to be together one of us will have to make a sacrifice.....and it will most likely have to be him. i obviously cannot just pack up and move wherever i want whenever i want to.
Why does my life have to be so damn complicated...why can't things just be handed to me in pretty packages with really big bows? oh yeah cuz this is the real world.....
On a lighter note.....Day one of p90x was a beast.....cheers to 89 more days :)
offer advice if u have any, but i doubt any of you even use this site anymore. and if u do u probably didn't read this rant anyways...
~the end
So Here's the story this time....
I met this guy a few months ago at a time i least expected to meet someone....
If you didn't already know this.....my break up with my last ex was the most horrific in my life and i was not handling it well. I was so angry and fed up with men courtesy of all the lovely things he put me through. the endless break ups and get back togethers...cheating...drunken ridiculous sex that is so thoroughly enjoyable but emotionally and mentally healthy. It was alnmost like he was my brand of heroin...nearly destroying my life. I am so disgusted with myself the things i said and did and put up with. That i allowed him to treat me that way. That i didn't walk away months before the bitter end.
Needless to say i was fucked up.....emotionally, mentally, i would even say physically (lethargic). So the fact that when i met this new guy Mr. Amazing, I could not believe i wanted him. I really wanted him. Every guy up to that point i wanted to kill, and thats not an exagertion...if you tried to buy me a beer at a buy i'd probably punch you in the face haha. But anyways.....mr.amazing came along and we went on our first date....Perfect! and we went out some more and started spending a bunch of time together but i still kept waiting for him to stop talking to mebecause it was my ex's favorite game. and he didn't really. He tried to put me on the friend table because we live across the world from each other and we shouldn't get feelings. well that lasted all of about a week. then it was going to bed together every night and waking up together every morning. then the last few days i was there he was by my side almost the whole day. He would tell me we were just friends.....but would still give me the world if i asked for it. when it was time for leaving i walked away....but just barely resisted turning around and running back to him. we exchanged emails, but really did not expect him to keep in touch.
well he wrote me three days later.....how much it sucked at the new place he was working and that he missed me. 3 months later and we're still talking...he still tells me he misses me and wishes i was there occasionally, and now has asked me to come visit him before he moves. Of course i am going to go if we can work out the details.
but here's the dilema...
I have never been able to explain to myself my feelings for him. I say it as "he's the perfect example of what i want, but i'm not sure if he's the one i want." but i know this....he is currently my rock. that thing in my life that give me the strength and inspires me to do anything i want. He randomly text's me to "smile" but what he doesn't understand is that he is my smile. at any point of the day a memory with him will appear in my mind at which my smile lights up like a christmas tree. I feel like i owe him for putting my pieces back together. when he found me i was so broken, and when i left him i felt better than i have in my life.
Being a believer in fate i think that if it is meant to be it will be. but i find myself wondering if we were in the same place would we actually be together. I could not figure out why i think this until i realized the scary truth. the fact of the matter is that i need him. He can make me smile with a memory and i never want to loose that, or tarnish that. I don't want to give him the chance to cheat on me or break my heart and ruin this neverending happiness he gives me with just a memory. but I secretly yearn for more memories. Choosing to be with him would be a huge leap of faith because i think losing him would utterly destroy me.
I wish I could tell him this.....but that is impossible. These words wll never come out of my mouth because what if i tell him and he freaks out, then i lose him. although if i don't tell him i will probably never have him. So it's basically lose lose for me. there's also the fact that ultimately for us to be together one of us will have to make a sacrifice.....and it will most likely have to be him. i obviously cannot just pack up and move wherever i want whenever i want to.
Why does my life have to be so damn complicated...why can't things just be handed to me in pretty packages with really big bows? oh yeah cuz this is the real world.....
On a lighter note.....Day one of p90x was a beast.....cheers to 89 more days :)
offer advice if u have any, but i doubt any of you even use this site anymore. and if u do u probably didn't read this rant anyways...
~the end