Inside the mind of a confuzzled lesbian....literally.
I don't understand myself. I know, that probably sounds weird, but it's true. I don't understand myself. I feel as though there's something wrong with me, physically, mentally, emotionally, phsychologically. I don't know which, but just.. something. I'm going to try and break this down.. maybe get to the bottom of it.. I feel an unrest about myself and i want to figure out why.
Physically. - I'm fine in that aspect I believe. I've lost weight and trimmed up a bit. I'm actually starting to gain some weight back because I admit I was beginning to look a little sickly. I don't know if anyone else noticed that. I already know about the problem that I still have with my shoulder and I won't fix that for a while yet.
Mentally.- My mind is pretty stable. Could probably use some points in the knowledge and wisdom department, but that'll come with time. Everyone learns at their own pace. Be it through personal experience, school, or some other way.
Emotionally. - I'm doing great in this aspect. I haven't felt this happy in a really long time. Liz makes me smile and makes me laugh and she's adorable. I feel like a kid at Christmas when I'm around her. I have this like... happy awe when I'm around her. To better explain that; I'm really happy, that's an obvious bit, but the awe part.. I dunno. It's like when I met Lauren, giddy because I had just found my first girlfriend. It's kind of the same with Liz. She's not my first, but it's that same giddyness that I have. And I like it.
Phsychologically. - Well, I already know that is kind of wacked out. Has been ever since I met my "Dad". ( I call him my stepdad. ) And later found out he wasn't my real dad and that my real dad lived in another state and was married with another woman and had another family. My mom says I have abandonment issues. "You are the way you are because your Dad abandoned you blah blah blah..." She goes on like that all the time. "You think you're a lesbian because your father abandoned you at a critical point in your life and now you can't stand men." I give her partial credit to that. But I can stand men. I've had a boyfriend. Would I ever date another guy? Probably not, they really just don't appeal to me that much. Do I hate men? No, not really. I have plenty of guy friends, though my mom doesn't believe me when I say that. Go figure. My mom sent me to a therapist because of me being "gay" and saying I needed to figure out my "abandoment issues." Well, I explained about how I felt and all that.. had a few really upsetting sessions where I talked about things that I really don't like talking about. And after all was said and done, I still liked girls. My mom got mad at that and pulled me out saying she was a bad therapist because she couldn't make me see "that men are good for me." Whatever, Fuck.You. mom. I am the way I am and you need to pull your head out of your ass and learn to love me for my differences. and get over it. You can't change me no matter how hard you try.
*Sighs* Okay, so I didn't really figure out what was wrong, but I certainly feel better cause I got a few issues off of my chest. Mainly all in that last paragraph. I don't know, maybe there's nothing wrong with me and I'm just over analyzing myself into thinking that there's something wrong when there's really not. I mean, the whole "dad" issue is fine, it's been what... 6 years now? I'm doing fine, granted there are a few things that I wish I had a dad for, but, you know, I'll live not going to kill me. I have plenty of friends that I love dearly and their dads like me and I just take that and enjoy it.
Well I think i'm going to just go for now. I need to dry my hair because it's half wet and half dry and that is just a little annoying at times. I think i'm also going to try and call Liz, see if I can go over for a little bit. My mom was pretty mad at me on Friday for being late and we had our regular tiff but that cleared up itself and now things are fine again. My mom threatens all of these things and then never follows through with them. *shrugs* Anyway, I'm off. Write more later sometime.
Physically. - I'm fine in that aspect I believe. I've lost weight and trimmed up a bit. I'm actually starting to gain some weight back because I admit I was beginning to look a little sickly. I don't know if anyone else noticed that. I already know about the problem that I still have with my shoulder and I won't fix that for a while yet.
Mentally.- My mind is pretty stable. Could probably use some points in the knowledge and wisdom department, but that'll come with time. Everyone learns at their own pace. Be it through personal experience, school, or some other way.
Emotionally. - I'm doing great in this aspect. I haven't felt this happy in a really long time. Liz makes me smile and makes me laugh and she's adorable. I feel like a kid at Christmas when I'm around her. I have this like... happy awe when I'm around her. To better explain that; I'm really happy, that's an obvious bit, but the awe part.. I dunno. It's like when I met Lauren, giddy because I had just found my first girlfriend. It's kind of the same with Liz. She's not my first, but it's that same giddyness that I have. And I like it.
Phsychologically. - Well, I already know that is kind of wacked out. Has been ever since I met my "Dad". ( I call him my stepdad. ) And later found out he wasn't my real dad and that my real dad lived in another state and was married with another woman and had another family. My mom says I have abandonment issues. "You are the way you are because your Dad abandoned you blah blah blah..." She goes on like that all the time. "You think you're a lesbian because your father abandoned you at a critical point in your life and now you can't stand men." I give her partial credit to that. But I can stand men. I've had a boyfriend. Would I ever date another guy? Probably not, they really just don't appeal to me that much. Do I hate men? No, not really. I have plenty of guy friends, though my mom doesn't believe me when I say that. Go figure. My mom sent me to a therapist because of me being "gay" and saying I needed to figure out my "abandoment issues." Well, I explained about how I felt and all that.. had a few really upsetting sessions where I talked about things that I really don't like talking about. And after all was said and done, I still liked girls. My mom got mad at that and pulled me out saying she was a bad therapist because she couldn't make me see "that men are good for me." Whatever, Fuck.You. mom. I am the way I am and you need to pull your head out of your ass and learn to love me for my differences. and get over it. You can't change me no matter how hard you try.
*Sighs* Okay, so I didn't really figure out what was wrong, but I certainly feel better cause I got a few issues off of my chest. Mainly all in that last paragraph. I don't know, maybe there's nothing wrong with me and I'm just over analyzing myself into thinking that there's something wrong when there's really not. I mean, the whole "dad" issue is fine, it's been what... 6 years now? I'm doing fine, granted there are a few things that I wish I had a dad for, but, you know, I'll live not going to kill me. I have plenty of friends that I love dearly and their dads like me and I just take that and enjoy it.
Well I think i'm going to just go for now. I need to dry my hair because it's half wet and half dry and that is just a little annoying at times. I think i'm also going to try and call Liz, see if I can go over for a little bit. My mom was pretty mad at me on Friday for being late and we had our regular tiff but that cleared up itself and now things are fine again. My mom threatens all of these things and then never follows through with them. *shrugs* Anyway, I'm off. Write more later sometime.