I havent stopped
i haven's quite stopped spinning since last friday, this has been the worst week of my life in one major aspect, but there has been some good. I started teaching and I'm really enjoying it, the kids are smart and well behaved for the most part, John G is a BADASS teacher and just dude, and i have come to grips with some things...
I still feel a huge empty hole in me, but 99.9 percent of me knows it will be filled again by the only girl who can fill it. after talking with my mom and some mutual friends, some of my initial worries and stuff have been subdued and i know i just have to wait this out. outside of that, I honestly in the deepest part of my heart hope that she finds what she is looking for, love for herself, peace with her past, and the ability to stand on her own two feet. I'm past being mad at what happened, it stings a bit sometimes, but that will fade, but never dissapear i don't think. I want her to be happy, no matter what that means, even if it means that she never comes back to me. don't get me wrong, if that happened, i'd come close to dying, and i would hate life for a long long time. but i think the most important part of love, or maybe what truly seperates LOVE from infatuation is the ability to put someone else's needs before your own. do i need to talk to her do i need her by my side, do i need her to love me, well... yes. or maybe strongly desire, but a part of me needs that, not in an unhealthy way. regardless, what i truly need is for her to be happy, whatever that takes, i can say this because i've searched every piece of me and i know now more than ever that i am truly in love with Angela Marie Nuhn, in love with her enough to place her needs before my own. I have faith, I have confidence, and i have worries, but most of all I have love. and as they say, All you need is love.
the only thing that hurts like hell anymore out of all this is not being able to talk to her, just to hear her voice, find out about her day, tell her about mine, listen to her stories and goofy voices and jokes. Even to hear her complain about something, or tell me how busy she's going to be, it doesn't matter, god i miss that so much. She's my best friend and i absolutely hate not being able to just talk with her because i love to listen to her.
Because of all this and other things that have been going through my head and happening this week, I have decided to retreat from this party town and go to my house this friday night. I want to be somewhere to think and gather myself, away from everything here, this room this house, this school, these people. (don't get me wrong, my friends have been awesome, it's just i can't rely on them completley and i really need to get my head above water and just breath.) destructive decisions have been in high frequency in my mind these last couple days, and i need to get out before i do somethign i regret. so this friday i will spend at home, doing who knows what, lesson plans, teaching stuff, watch a movie with my family, who knows. I just know i need to get back to my roots.
also, next weekend Kyle and I are going camping, i need to be literaly away from everything, it's a bit ironic/cute? that I'm retreating to nature since my love for the outdoors was rehashed by Ang, even now during this really difficult time she still inspires me. I just hope she continues to realize how important she has been and continues to be in my life. I know she knows how much i love her, and I know she loves me too.
What a week.
I love you.
I still feel a huge empty hole in me, but 99.9 percent of me knows it will be filled again by the only girl who can fill it. after talking with my mom and some mutual friends, some of my initial worries and stuff have been subdued and i know i just have to wait this out. outside of that, I honestly in the deepest part of my heart hope that she finds what she is looking for, love for herself, peace with her past, and the ability to stand on her own two feet. I'm past being mad at what happened, it stings a bit sometimes, but that will fade, but never dissapear i don't think. I want her to be happy, no matter what that means, even if it means that she never comes back to me. don't get me wrong, if that happened, i'd come close to dying, and i would hate life for a long long time. but i think the most important part of love, or maybe what truly seperates LOVE from infatuation is the ability to put someone else's needs before your own. do i need to talk to her do i need her by my side, do i need her to love me, well... yes. or maybe strongly desire, but a part of me needs that, not in an unhealthy way. regardless, what i truly need is for her to be happy, whatever that takes, i can say this because i've searched every piece of me and i know now more than ever that i am truly in love with Angela Marie Nuhn, in love with her enough to place her needs before my own. I have faith, I have confidence, and i have worries, but most of all I have love. and as they say, All you need is love.
the only thing that hurts like hell anymore out of all this is not being able to talk to her, just to hear her voice, find out about her day, tell her about mine, listen to her stories and goofy voices and jokes. Even to hear her complain about something, or tell me how busy she's going to be, it doesn't matter, god i miss that so much. She's my best friend and i absolutely hate not being able to just talk with her because i love to listen to her.
Because of all this and other things that have been going through my head and happening this week, I have decided to retreat from this party town and go to my house this friday night. I want to be somewhere to think and gather myself, away from everything here, this room this house, this school, these people. (don't get me wrong, my friends have been awesome, it's just i can't rely on them completley and i really need to get my head above water and just breath.) destructive decisions have been in high frequency in my mind these last couple days, and i need to get out before i do somethign i regret. so this friday i will spend at home, doing who knows what, lesson plans, teaching stuff, watch a movie with my family, who knows. I just know i need to get back to my roots.
also, next weekend Kyle and I are going camping, i need to be literaly away from everything, it's a bit ironic/cute? that I'm retreating to nature since my love for the outdoors was rehashed by Ang, even now during this really difficult time she still inspires me. I just hope she continues to realize how important she has been and continues to be in my life. I know she knows how much i love her, and I know she loves me too.
What a week.
I love you.