51 Questions Answered About Howard Moon (and Quite a Few About Vince Noir, Too)
Title: 51 Questions Answered About Howard Moon (and Quite a Few About Vince Noir, Too)
Fandom: The Mighty Boosh
Characters: Howard Moon, Vince Noir, cameo appearances from Naboo and Bollo
Pairing: Very heavily implied Howard/Vince
Rating: PG
Summary: In which the author tells you more than you ever wanted to know about the life, times, and history of Howard Moon. And a bit about Vince, too.
Notes: Not exactly fic as such, since this is a meme response for ridiculously detailed backstories that turned into a writing exercise. More like... a big fat slice of ABSURDLY DETAILED Booshy meta, with Boosh Fic nuggets sprinkled liberally throughout? In any case, I'm parking it here for safekeeping and future reference. If you want to know how I generally see Howard, though, help yourself. :-)
1. What does their bedroom look like?
Howard shares a bedroom with Vince, obviously, but his side of the room is all right angles and organization and a tasteful medley of beiges and other earth tones. The duvet is corduroy, in a Muscular Chestnut; he makes his bed every morning and changes the sheets bi-weekly. (He changes Vince’s at the same time, too, because… well, that’s just more efficient. Or so he tells himself.) He has a small desk, with all supplies and stationery meticulously organized, and a few select posters of jazz greats on the wall. (He had to take down the Dizzy Gillespie one, though, because it kept scaring Vince in the dark.) He also has bookshelves, on which he has a selection of worthy books by great authors and also-organized into sleeve holders-his vinyl collection, sorted by (in order) genre, sub-genre, artist, and release date. He re-sorts it twice a year, just to be sure no new purchases have corrupted the system.
There is also, in this joint bedroom, a unicorn nightlight, which neither of them ever mentions, but Howard would never remove, no matter how much it offends his eyes.
2. Do they have any daily rituals?
Howard has many daily rituals, which are too numerous to recount here, but he is a man of plans and organization and repetition, and he likes to start each day off the same way: wake up early enough to get to the bathroom before Vince and thus have a shower while some hot water remains, make the morning brews (one for him, unsweetened with lemon, because that’s how he thinks a great man should like his tea, and one left out for Vince, heavily sweetened), enjoy a sensible breakfast of either porridge or bran cereal (he likes to mix it up sometimes, wild man that he is), read the newspaper, and then finally head down to the shop at precisely half past, so he has time to reorganize everything before opening the Nabootique for the day.
3. Do they exercise, and if so, what do they do? How often?
Howard’s primary method of exercise is Jazzercise, which he attends at least once weekly. It keeps him loose and jazzy-fresh.
4. What would they do if they needed to make dinner but the kitchen was busy?
Howard does most of the cooking, with an occasional assist from Bollo. In the event the kitchen were occupied while he needed to make dinner, he would stand there with his arms crossed, frowning and making passive-aggressive comments, until Vince persuaded him to just give up and pick up dinner from the Indian takeaway across the street instead.
5. Cleanliness habits (personal, workspace, etc.)
Howard is meticulous in most of his habits-his workspaces are always painfully efficient in their organization-but his Achilles heel is clothing and personal appearance. He’s never got the feel for dealing with fabric, and his clothes always tend to look vaguely rumpled and unkempt. (When Vince can’t stand watching it any more, he sneaks into Howard’s wardrobe and irons things. And of course, he’s kept Howard’s mustache and hair in check for years, via regular Midnight Barbering.)
6. Eating habits and sample daily menu?
Howard is a sensible and responsible man, or wants to be one, so he tries to eat a healthy and nutritionally balanced diet with sufficient fiber content, whether he fully enjoys it or not.
Howard’s breakfast: The aforementioned bowl of porridge or bran cereal, unsweetened tea with lemon.
Howard’s lunch: Turkey sandwich on wholemeal bread (with mustard), an apple, and a few crisps surreptitiously stolen from the bag Vince has been snacking on.
Howard’s dinner: Takeaway chicken chop suey, because Naboo is using the kitchen to brew something dangerous and almost certainly illegal. There was to be a spring roll as well, but Vince was eyeing it so longingly that Howard let him have it.
7. Favorite way to waste time and feelings surrounding wasting time?
Howard feels very strongly that he shouldn’t waste time on anything non-constructive… and yet he enjoys doing this far more than he’ll acknowledge, and he can be cajoled into it. Howard’s bouts of time-wasting invariably include Vince, and sometimes also crimping, jigsaw puzzles, watching cartoons, listening to Vince’s stories, and running around in his pants, pelting Vince with satsumas.
8. Favorite indulgence and feelings surrounding indulging?
Like time-wasting, Howard’s superego doesn’t think he should indulge himself often, aside from collecting rare jazz albums and allowing himself to watch seven hours of obscure foreign art house cinema in one go, when there’s a marathon on television. But again, he can be convinced, and again, this almost invariably includes Vince, who can persuade Howard to indulge in junk food, flights of fancy, and all sorts of silly games. And sometimes snogging.
9. Makeup?
Aside from that time when they were goths and he allowed Vince to tart him up with eyeliner, Howard’s not really a makeup sort of guy.
10. Neuroses? Do they recognize them as such?
Howard is a bundle of neuroses, loosely held together by tweed and elbow patches, but he prefers to think of those neuroses as entirely healthy and rational fears of intimacy, embarrassment, mortal peril/death, injury, obscurity, success, rejection, emotional expression, anything he can’t control, and impending middle age.
11. Intellectual pursuits?
Howard has many self-improving intellectual pursuits, including reading Worthy Books by Important Authors, watching obscure art house films, questioning the nature of reality (and other deep philosophical ponderings), writing dairy-based poetry, and, of course, the study and appreciation of jazz.
12. Favorite book genre?
Howard’s favorite book genre is “Important.” But he’s also fond of Russian Literature in general, and also of the Beat authors. And Joseph Conrad.
13. Sexual Orientation? And, regardless of own orientation, thoughts on sexual orientation in general?
Howard’s sexual orientation… is not as clear-cut as Vince’s, since Vince comes right out and says that he swings both ways, and Howard gives all kinds of mixed signals. But generally speaking, he’s gay, and just taking a long time to fully process that. (Which… might have something to do with why he’s still a virgin.) When he appreciates women, it’s always in a sort of really unrealistic, theoretical way; he likes the IDEA of women and being in a relationship more than he actually likes women. He likes the idea of the sort of life he imagines he’d have with Gideon, and yet he doesn’t have any chemistry with her or understand anything about her. He never even thought to create a female love interest on the island in Milky Joe, until Vince already had--in the hopes of making Howard jealous, naturally. (Please note: it worked like a charm.)
Howard’s making some strides to accepting his sexuality in canon, actually, hence the whole “I could go gay like THAT” declaration in Party, even before the rooftop kiss… as you can see, he’s not quite ready to go all the way. Yet. At least not in public.
14. Physical abnormalities? (Both visible and not, including injuries/disabilities, long-term illnesses, food-intolerances, etc.)
Howard’s physical abnormalities are the tiny eyes of a shrimp… and that third nipple business, but he clearly had that removed, or else Vince wouldn’t have been so eager to get him into a loincloth on Xooberon. ;-)
15. Biggest and smallest short term goal?
Howard’s smallest short-term goal is to finally make a sale in the Nabootique. His largest short-term goal is to lose his virginity/fall in everlasting love with the person of his dreams.
16. Biggest and smallest long term goal?
Howard’s smallest long-term goal is to train Bollo to remember his name. His largest long-term goal is to become a universally respected, extremely famous man of action/novelist/poet/photographer/actor/jazz musician/thinker.
17. Preferred mode of dress and rituals surrounding dress
Howard doesn’t have any particular rituals surrounding dressing, aside from the occasional pondering over the right combination of earth tones, Hawaiian print, and corduroy gauge. But his preferred mode of dress is firmly mid-20th Century suburban dad, with a dash of 50s-60s beatnik poet intellectual and 40s jazz man thrown in for spice. He claims to not like accessorizing, yet is inexplicably fond of hats. And he remains firmly convinced that Hawaiian shorts and the socks/sandals combo are coming back in style.
18. Favorite beverage?
Howard’s favorite beverage is tea. Usually unsweetened, with lemon, but every now and then he lives it up and has eight sugars. But don’t tell Vince that.
19. What do they think about before falling asleep at night?
Howard thinks fleetingly about a million different things at night: things he has to do tomorrow, things he worries that he hasn’t done, or hasn’t done well enough, things he’d love to do in his greatest fantasies come true-but just before he falls asleep, he thinks about that rooftop kiss more than he’d like to admit.
20. Childhood illnesses? Any interesting stories behind them?
Howard was a very hardy lad, befitting his sturdy Northern roots, and so was very rarely ill, aside from the occasional sniffle. However, he did break his arm on the one occasion that he was persuaded (by Vince, naturally) to try climbing a tree. Vince was very remorseful and apologetic about the whole thing, and he decorated Howard’s entire cast and sling with signatures and colorful little doodles. Howard’s never been entirely sure if Vince did this because he was trying to perfect his signature for future autographs, or to cover up the fact that none of their other classmates had even offered to sign the cast… but although he never told Vince as much, Howard was proud to show it off.
He’s never tried to climb a tree again, though, and hopes he’ll never have to.
21. Turn-ons? Turn-offs?
Howard would say that his turn-ons are organization, jazz, and sophistication, but the truth is that he’s turned on by joy, sincerity, and somebody who can make him laugh. He’s also turned on by the idea of being in control, being masterful, having somebody look up to him… and having his hair gently stroked.
Turn offs include genuine shallowness, somebody trying to dominate or humiliate him, and sex with no emotional strings attached.
22. Given a blank piece of paper, a pencil, and nothing to do, what would happen?
Howard would make lists. Lots and lots of lists. And he might scribble some poetry in the margins as well. Perhaps something about blue eyes and creamy skin being like a creamy bowl of blueberries in cream. ;-)
23. How organized are they? How does this organization/disorganization manifest in their everyday life?
Howard is painfully organized, sometimes so much so that he would forget to actually live, if Vince weren’t there to pull him off track and remind him that not everything can be planned and scheduled.
24. Is there one subject of study that they excel at? Or do they even care about intellectual pursuits at all?
Howard would like to insist that he excels in all subjects of study, his grades wouldn’t support that boast. (Especially not considering that he was lost enough that he was asking Vince for the answers.) Howard did do well, though, in subjects that required a lot of memorization and organization of information, like history. And of course he has an encyclopedic knowledge of jazz.
25. How do they see themselves 5 years from today?
When Howard tries to consciously plan, he sees himself as a well-respected figure in some discipline or other (it varies, depending on his current preoccupation), attending tasteful champagne receptions and graciously signing autographs, while Vince serves as his eternally loyal pen caddy/personal assistant.
But when he just closes his eyes and thinks of the future, the only thing he sees is himself on the couch, watching television, with Vince cuddled up next to him, dozing and using Howard’s shoulder as a pillow.
26. Do they have any plans for the future? Any contingency plans if things don’t work out?
Howard is always making plans for the future. It must be said, though, that (as Vince has noted) Howard’s plans are actually frequently terrible, and he’s not great at coping with change and making alternate arrangements. This doesn’t stop him from writing up more itineraries.
27. What is their biggest regret?
Howard never admits to regrets, but if he did (and he was honest), he’d say that it was dumping Vince at his birthday party and going off with Pencil Case Girl. That’s partially because she turned out to be Old Gregg in disguise, yes, but it’s more because Howard now knows that he broke something rather badly without quite meaning to, and he doesn’t know how to fix it.
28. Who do they see as their best friend? Their worst enemy?
Vince is unquestionably Howard’s best friend, the kind of friend he'd never thought he'd be able to make, before he met Vince. Howard’s worst enemy is Howard himself, but he’d probably say it was Vince.
29. Reaction to sudden extrapersonal disaster (eg The house is on fire! What do they do?)
It depends on the situation. Sometimes in dangerous situations, Howard’s reaction is undeniably of the panicky “Run away! Run away!” school of cowardice. But at other times, when he has no time to think about things or psych himself out, he can surprise himself by just reacting in the moment. Howard is braver and stronger than he believes he can be, especially if somebody he loves is in danger.
30. Reaction to sudden intrapersonal disaster (eg close family member suddenly dies)
Being quiet and brooding, bottling his feelings up and venting them/redirecting them at other people (which is to say: mostly Vince) as anger, irritation, and blame, until he feels emotionally ready to deal with the real, more helpless feelings. But if somebody close to Howard suffers a disaster themselves, he really shines. He’s surprisingly good at being steady and reassuring and solid in those circumstances. (See: the opening of Power of the Crimp, and Howard’s calm assurance to Vince that “it’s me and you, all the way.”)
31. Most prized possession?
His plaque from the mayor of Leeds is definitely one of them, along with a few very rare jazz albums, but Howard also has a very well-hidden corner in his sock drawer, just past the Angry Beige and before the Belligerent Umber, where he keeps a selection of the little notes and drawings Vince has given to him over the years, scribbled over paper placemats and receipts and gig handbills and old school papers.
32. Thoughts on material possessions in general?
Howard will go on at length about being a man of substance who has no need to place meaning in cheap trinkets, but there are certain material possessions that he values (and covets) very highly. Mostly the sort that bring and/or signify glory and success.
33. Concept of home and family?
A part of Howard--the part that still aches about his parents' divorce, though it was long ago--longs for and idealizes the traditional family. But he does know that Vince, Naboo, and Bollo are his true family, and he appreciates them as such.
34. Thoughts on privacy? (Are they a private person, or are they prone to ‘TMI’?)
Howard is generally deeply private and suspicious… but in certain particular things, he’s still more open than Vince is. Still, Howard likes to be able to keep a certain distance, not to mention a certain gentlemanly mystique. (His phrasing, not mine!)
35. What activities do they enjoy, but consider to be a waste of time?
Howard tends to classify anything that doesn’t have some obvious intellectual component to be a waste of time, no matter how enjoyable he finds it.
36. What makes them feel guilty?
Howard tends to metabolize his guilt into defensiveness, so he can feel justified in his actions, but he does feel guilty about hurting somebody else (especially Vince). He also feels inexplicably guilty about deviating from his self-set standards for behaving like a respectable adult or great man.
37. Are they more analytical or more emotional in their decision-making?
Analytical, typically, or so he'd like to think, but Howard does have it in him to make grand, swooping, emotion-based gestures at times. Or fear-based ones.
38. Would they consider themselves a Type A or Type B personality?
Type A all the way, sir.
39. What recharges them when they’re feeling drained?
Listening to his favorite jazz on vinyl, reading a good book, enjoying a fresh pot of tea, reorganizing Stationery Village, a particularly invigorating bout of jazzercise, listening to one of Vince’s rambling stories.
40. Would you say that they have a superiority-complex? Inferiority-complex? Neither?
Both, at times. Howard alternates between boasting that he is the cleverest, smartest, most capable man who has ever lived, master of everything he attempts, and fearing that he’ll never achieve anything of significance and that everybody who matters to him can barely remember that he exists.
41. How misanthropic are they?
Howard definitely has his moments of grumbling sourpussness, but regular exposure to Vince’s sunshine ways has helped him maintain a relatively charitable outlook on life and other people.
42. Hobbies?
Many. Howard’s hobbies include, but are not limited to, creative writing, photography, stationery management, music (both playing it and listening to it), collecting rare jazz albums, making jazz-themed pencil cases, reading almanacs and studying maps, acting, and seeking his fame and/or fortune.
43. How far did they get in formal education? What are their views on formal education vs self-education?
Howard completed his basic studies as a relatively indifferent student and then never went to uni. He does, however, put great stock in self-education and improving yourself in ways that formal education can’t allow. He would wax philosophical on the virtues of self-education and enrichment, and the history of such, for well over an hour, if Vince didn’t interrupt him about five minutes into it with a question about why grapefruits don’t taste anything like grapes.
44. Religion?
Not religious.
45. Superstitions or views on the occult?
Well, considering the magical realism of the Boosh universe, the fact that he lives with a shaman who does magic, and the fact that Vince once rescued him from Hell… yes, Howard is a believer.
46. Do they express their thoughts through words or deeds?
When Howard expresses himself in words, the feelings tend to get a bit stilted or over the top or lost in translation or just plain embarrassing, so… he does try, but his actions often speak more eloquently.
47. If they were to fall in love, who (or what) is their ideal?
If you asked Howard what his ideal was, he’d probably say that she’s a classy lady, a sophisticated, jazz-loving, intellectual woman of the world. This is why Howard’s still unhappily single: he doesn’t know what he ACTUALLY wants. His real ideal is his opposite, somebody who both balances and complements him. Somebody whose optimism balances his innate pessimism, and who believes in his dreams, even when they're outlandish. Somebody who keeps him from getting too gloomy or uptight and reminds him to live in the moment and be happy. So… Vince.
48. How do they express love?
Stalking, writing cream poetry, weeping into fish ponds, attempting to box a kangaroo and generally trying to act impressively. But that’s just what Howard does when he’s infatuated. When he’s actually in love, it’s evident in all the little things he does: changing sheets and making tea, baking little cakes, making dinner, straightening Vince’s hair when he wasn't able to do it.
49. If this person were to get into a fist fight, what is their fighting style like?
Generally: flailing, curling into a ball, and/or hiding behind Vince. But if he had no time to think beforehand and had to just react, Howard could… maybe not do well, but well enough. His form is embarrassing, but he’s got size going for him, and he's stronger than he realizes. At the very least, he’s capable of punching out ten-year-old boys and nanas.
50. Is this person afraid of dying? Why or why not?
The phrase to remember here is, “Don’t kill me! I’ve got so much to give!” Howard is notoriously afraid of dying, and what he says at those times when he's threatened tells us why: he’s afraid of dying unfulfilled--of not having achieved any of the things he wanted to do, of not having lived up to the potential greatness that he feels inside himself, of not loving and being loved in the way that he’d like to. He's a man of grand designs; he'd like to realize at least a few of them.
51. Sleep habits? And what does this person wear to bed?
Howard's a traditional, button-up pyjama sort of guy, and sometimes he gets zany and wears them in stripes. His dressing gown is big and warm and a soothing shade of oatmeal, and although it's more than a little worn in places, he has no plans to replace it anytime soon. Interestingly, Vince does not fight him on this--though perhaps that's because he wears it sometimes, too, when he's bloody freezing and wants a cuddle and he thinks Howard won't know. (Howard always knows. His dressing gown doesn't usually smell like vanilla and tropical flowers and hairspray.)
As for his sleeping habits, they're surprisingly solid. Well, they'd have to be, for him to sleep undisturbed through all of Vince's comings and goings and middle-of-the-night hairdressing--not to mention his snoring, though Howard's never been able to bring himself to inform Vince that he does, in fact, snore. Most people would probably peg Howard as a man too worried to sleep well or deeply, but they're only a little right: his customary anxiety does sometimes make it tough for him to fall asleep, but once he does, he's usually out for eight hours of solid and peaceful slumber.
The only time when Howard was plagued with sleeplessness was during his time in Denmark. He's still not sure if it was just because of the unfamiliarity of the surroundings, or his unhappiness and humiliation at starring in that stupid advert... or just possibly it was the absence of a familiar and comforting snore from the opposite side of the room. Silence had never seemed so unwelcome to him before.
Fandom: The Mighty Boosh
Characters: Howard Moon, Vince Noir, cameo appearances from Naboo and Bollo
Pairing: Very heavily implied Howard/Vince
Rating: PG
Summary: In which the author tells you more than you ever wanted to know about the life, times, and history of Howard Moon. And a bit about Vince, too.
Notes: Not exactly fic as such, since this is a meme response for ridiculously detailed backstories that turned into a writing exercise. More like... a big fat slice of ABSURDLY DETAILED Booshy meta, with Boosh Fic nuggets sprinkled liberally throughout? In any case, I'm parking it here for safekeeping and future reference. If you want to know how I generally see Howard, though, help yourself. :-)
1. What does their bedroom look like?
Howard shares a bedroom with Vince, obviously, but his side of the room is all right angles and organization and a tasteful medley of beiges and other earth tones. The duvet is corduroy, in a Muscular Chestnut; he makes his bed every morning and changes the sheets bi-weekly. (He changes Vince’s at the same time, too, because… well, that’s just more efficient. Or so he tells himself.) He has a small desk, with all supplies and stationery meticulously organized, and a few select posters of jazz greats on the wall. (He had to take down the Dizzy Gillespie one, though, because it kept scaring Vince in the dark.) He also has bookshelves, on which he has a selection of worthy books by great authors and also-organized into sleeve holders-his vinyl collection, sorted by (in order) genre, sub-genre, artist, and release date. He re-sorts it twice a year, just to be sure no new purchases have corrupted the system.
There is also, in this joint bedroom, a unicorn nightlight, which neither of them ever mentions, but Howard would never remove, no matter how much it offends his eyes.
2. Do they have any daily rituals?
Howard has many daily rituals, which are too numerous to recount here, but he is a man of plans and organization and repetition, and he likes to start each day off the same way: wake up early enough to get to the bathroom before Vince and thus have a shower while some hot water remains, make the morning brews (one for him, unsweetened with lemon, because that’s how he thinks a great man should like his tea, and one left out for Vince, heavily sweetened), enjoy a sensible breakfast of either porridge or bran cereal (he likes to mix it up sometimes, wild man that he is), read the newspaper, and then finally head down to the shop at precisely half past, so he has time to reorganize everything before opening the Nabootique for the day.
3. Do they exercise, and if so, what do they do? How often?
Howard’s primary method of exercise is Jazzercise, which he attends at least once weekly. It keeps him loose and jazzy-fresh.
4. What would they do if they needed to make dinner but the kitchen was busy?
Howard does most of the cooking, with an occasional assist from Bollo. In the event the kitchen were occupied while he needed to make dinner, he would stand there with his arms crossed, frowning and making passive-aggressive comments, until Vince persuaded him to just give up and pick up dinner from the Indian takeaway across the street instead.
5. Cleanliness habits (personal, workspace, etc.)
Howard is meticulous in most of his habits-his workspaces are always painfully efficient in their organization-but his Achilles heel is clothing and personal appearance. He’s never got the feel for dealing with fabric, and his clothes always tend to look vaguely rumpled and unkempt. (When Vince can’t stand watching it any more, he sneaks into Howard’s wardrobe and irons things. And of course, he’s kept Howard’s mustache and hair in check for years, via regular Midnight Barbering.)
6. Eating habits and sample daily menu?
Howard is a sensible and responsible man, or wants to be one, so he tries to eat a healthy and nutritionally balanced diet with sufficient fiber content, whether he fully enjoys it or not.
Howard’s breakfast: The aforementioned bowl of porridge or bran cereal, unsweetened tea with lemon.
Howard’s lunch: Turkey sandwich on wholemeal bread (with mustard), an apple, and a few crisps surreptitiously stolen from the bag Vince has been snacking on.
Howard’s dinner: Takeaway chicken chop suey, because Naboo is using the kitchen to brew something dangerous and almost certainly illegal. There was to be a spring roll as well, but Vince was eyeing it so longingly that Howard let him have it.
7. Favorite way to waste time and feelings surrounding wasting time?
Howard feels very strongly that he shouldn’t waste time on anything non-constructive… and yet he enjoys doing this far more than he’ll acknowledge, and he can be cajoled into it. Howard’s bouts of time-wasting invariably include Vince, and sometimes also crimping, jigsaw puzzles, watching cartoons, listening to Vince’s stories, and running around in his pants, pelting Vince with satsumas.
8. Favorite indulgence and feelings surrounding indulging?
Like time-wasting, Howard’s superego doesn’t think he should indulge himself often, aside from collecting rare jazz albums and allowing himself to watch seven hours of obscure foreign art house cinema in one go, when there’s a marathon on television. But again, he can be convinced, and again, this almost invariably includes Vince, who can persuade Howard to indulge in junk food, flights of fancy, and all sorts of silly games. And sometimes snogging.
9. Makeup?
Aside from that time when they were goths and he allowed Vince to tart him up with eyeliner, Howard’s not really a makeup sort of guy.
10. Neuroses? Do they recognize them as such?
Howard is a bundle of neuroses, loosely held together by tweed and elbow patches, but he prefers to think of those neuroses as entirely healthy and rational fears of intimacy, embarrassment, mortal peril/death, injury, obscurity, success, rejection, emotional expression, anything he can’t control, and impending middle age.
11. Intellectual pursuits?
Howard has many self-improving intellectual pursuits, including reading Worthy Books by Important Authors, watching obscure art house films, questioning the nature of reality (and other deep philosophical ponderings), writing dairy-based poetry, and, of course, the study and appreciation of jazz.
12. Favorite book genre?
Howard’s favorite book genre is “Important.” But he’s also fond of Russian Literature in general, and also of the Beat authors. And Joseph Conrad.
13. Sexual Orientation? And, regardless of own orientation, thoughts on sexual orientation in general?
Howard’s sexual orientation… is not as clear-cut as Vince’s, since Vince comes right out and says that he swings both ways, and Howard gives all kinds of mixed signals. But generally speaking, he’s gay, and just taking a long time to fully process that. (Which… might have something to do with why he’s still a virgin.) When he appreciates women, it’s always in a sort of really unrealistic, theoretical way; he likes the IDEA of women and being in a relationship more than he actually likes women. He likes the idea of the sort of life he imagines he’d have with Gideon, and yet he doesn’t have any chemistry with her or understand anything about her. He never even thought to create a female love interest on the island in Milky Joe, until Vince already had--in the hopes of making Howard jealous, naturally. (Please note: it worked like a charm.)
Howard’s making some strides to accepting his sexuality in canon, actually, hence the whole “I could go gay like THAT” declaration in Party, even before the rooftop kiss… as you can see, he’s not quite ready to go all the way. Yet. At least not in public.
14. Physical abnormalities? (Both visible and not, including injuries/disabilities, long-term illnesses, food-intolerances, etc.)
Howard’s physical abnormalities are the tiny eyes of a shrimp… and that third nipple business, but he clearly had that removed, or else Vince wouldn’t have been so eager to get him into a loincloth on Xooberon. ;-)
15. Biggest and smallest short term goal?
Howard’s smallest short-term goal is to finally make a sale in the Nabootique. His largest short-term goal is to lose his virginity/fall in everlasting love with the person of his dreams.
16. Biggest and smallest long term goal?
Howard’s smallest long-term goal is to train Bollo to remember his name. His largest long-term goal is to become a universally respected, extremely famous man of action/novelist/poet/photographer/actor/jazz musician/thinker.
17. Preferred mode of dress and rituals surrounding dress
Howard doesn’t have any particular rituals surrounding dressing, aside from the occasional pondering over the right combination of earth tones, Hawaiian print, and corduroy gauge. But his preferred mode of dress is firmly mid-20th Century suburban dad, with a dash of 50s-60s beatnik poet intellectual and 40s jazz man thrown in for spice. He claims to not like accessorizing, yet is inexplicably fond of hats. And he remains firmly convinced that Hawaiian shorts and the socks/sandals combo are coming back in style.
18. Favorite beverage?
Howard’s favorite beverage is tea. Usually unsweetened, with lemon, but every now and then he lives it up and has eight sugars. But don’t tell Vince that.
19. What do they think about before falling asleep at night?
Howard thinks fleetingly about a million different things at night: things he has to do tomorrow, things he worries that he hasn’t done, or hasn’t done well enough, things he’d love to do in his greatest fantasies come true-but just before he falls asleep, he thinks about that rooftop kiss more than he’d like to admit.
20. Childhood illnesses? Any interesting stories behind them?
Howard was a very hardy lad, befitting his sturdy Northern roots, and so was very rarely ill, aside from the occasional sniffle. However, he did break his arm on the one occasion that he was persuaded (by Vince, naturally) to try climbing a tree. Vince was very remorseful and apologetic about the whole thing, and he decorated Howard’s entire cast and sling with signatures and colorful little doodles. Howard’s never been entirely sure if Vince did this because he was trying to perfect his signature for future autographs, or to cover up the fact that none of their other classmates had even offered to sign the cast… but although he never told Vince as much, Howard was proud to show it off.
He’s never tried to climb a tree again, though, and hopes he’ll never have to.
21. Turn-ons? Turn-offs?
Howard would say that his turn-ons are organization, jazz, and sophistication, but the truth is that he’s turned on by joy, sincerity, and somebody who can make him laugh. He’s also turned on by the idea of being in control, being masterful, having somebody look up to him… and having his hair gently stroked.
Turn offs include genuine shallowness, somebody trying to dominate or humiliate him, and sex with no emotional strings attached.
22. Given a blank piece of paper, a pencil, and nothing to do, what would happen?
Howard would make lists. Lots and lots of lists. And he might scribble some poetry in the margins as well. Perhaps something about blue eyes and creamy skin being like a creamy bowl of blueberries in cream. ;-)
23. How organized are they? How does this organization/disorganization manifest in their everyday life?
Howard is painfully organized, sometimes so much so that he would forget to actually live, if Vince weren’t there to pull him off track and remind him that not everything can be planned and scheduled.
24. Is there one subject of study that they excel at? Or do they even care about intellectual pursuits at all?
Howard would like to insist that he excels in all subjects of study, his grades wouldn’t support that boast. (Especially not considering that he was lost enough that he was asking Vince for the answers.) Howard did do well, though, in subjects that required a lot of memorization and organization of information, like history. And of course he has an encyclopedic knowledge of jazz.
25. How do they see themselves 5 years from today?
When Howard tries to consciously plan, he sees himself as a well-respected figure in some discipline or other (it varies, depending on his current preoccupation), attending tasteful champagne receptions and graciously signing autographs, while Vince serves as his eternally loyal pen caddy/personal assistant.
But when he just closes his eyes and thinks of the future, the only thing he sees is himself on the couch, watching television, with Vince cuddled up next to him, dozing and using Howard’s shoulder as a pillow.
26. Do they have any plans for the future? Any contingency plans if things don’t work out?
Howard is always making plans for the future. It must be said, though, that (as Vince has noted) Howard’s plans are actually frequently terrible, and he’s not great at coping with change and making alternate arrangements. This doesn’t stop him from writing up more itineraries.
27. What is their biggest regret?
Howard never admits to regrets, but if he did (and he was honest), he’d say that it was dumping Vince at his birthday party and going off with Pencil Case Girl. That’s partially because she turned out to be Old Gregg in disguise, yes, but it’s more because Howard now knows that he broke something rather badly without quite meaning to, and he doesn’t know how to fix it.
28. Who do they see as their best friend? Their worst enemy?
Vince is unquestionably Howard’s best friend, the kind of friend he'd never thought he'd be able to make, before he met Vince. Howard’s worst enemy is Howard himself, but he’d probably say it was Vince.
29. Reaction to sudden extrapersonal disaster (eg The house is on fire! What do they do?)
It depends on the situation. Sometimes in dangerous situations, Howard’s reaction is undeniably of the panicky “Run away! Run away!” school of cowardice. But at other times, when he has no time to think about things or psych himself out, he can surprise himself by just reacting in the moment. Howard is braver and stronger than he believes he can be, especially if somebody he loves is in danger.
30. Reaction to sudden intrapersonal disaster (eg close family member suddenly dies)
Being quiet and brooding, bottling his feelings up and venting them/redirecting them at other people (which is to say: mostly Vince) as anger, irritation, and blame, until he feels emotionally ready to deal with the real, more helpless feelings. But if somebody close to Howard suffers a disaster themselves, he really shines. He’s surprisingly good at being steady and reassuring and solid in those circumstances. (See: the opening of Power of the Crimp, and Howard’s calm assurance to Vince that “it’s me and you, all the way.”)
31. Most prized possession?
His plaque from the mayor of Leeds is definitely one of them, along with a few very rare jazz albums, but Howard also has a very well-hidden corner in his sock drawer, just past the Angry Beige and before the Belligerent Umber, where he keeps a selection of the little notes and drawings Vince has given to him over the years, scribbled over paper placemats and receipts and gig handbills and old school papers.
32. Thoughts on material possessions in general?
Howard will go on at length about being a man of substance who has no need to place meaning in cheap trinkets, but there are certain material possessions that he values (and covets) very highly. Mostly the sort that bring and/or signify glory and success.
33. Concept of home and family?
A part of Howard--the part that still aches about his parents' divorce, though it was long ago--longs for and idealizes the traditional family. But he does know that Vince, Naboo, and Bollo are his true family, and he appreciates them as such.
34. Thoughts on privacy? (Are they a private person, or are they prone to ‘TMI’?)
Howard is generally deeply private and suspicious… but in certain particular things, he’s still more open than Vince is. Still, Howard likes to be able to keep a certain distance, not to mention a certain gentlemanly mystique. (His phrasing, not mine!)
35. What activities do they enjoy, but consider to be a waste of time?
Howard tends to classify anything that doesn’t have some obvious intellectual component to be a waste of time, no matter how enjoyable he finds it.
36. What makes them feel guilty?
Howard tends to metabolize his guilt into defensiveness, so he can feel justified in his actions, but he does feel guilty about hurting somebody else (especially Vince). He also feels inexplicably guilty about deviating from his self-set standards for behaving like a respectable adult or great man.
37. Are they more analytical or more emotional in their decision-making?
Analytical, typically, or so he'd like to think, but Howard does have it in him to make grand, swooping, emotion-based gestures at times. Or fear-based ones.
38. Would they consider themselves a Type A or Type B personality?
Type A all the way, sir.
39. What recharges them when they’re feeling drained?
Listening to his favorite jazz on vinyl, reading a good book, enjoying a fresh pot of tea, reorganizing Stationery Village, a particularly invigorating bout of jazzercise, listening to one of Vince’s rambling stories.
40. Would you say that they have a superiority-complex? Inferiority-complex? Neither?
Both, at times. Howard alternates between boasting that he is the cleverest, smartest, most capable man who has ever lived, master of everything he attempts, and fearing that he’ll never achieve anything of significance and that everybody who matters to him can barely remember that he exists.
41. How misanthropic are they?
Howard definitely has his moments of grumbling sourpussness, but regular exposure to Vince’s sunshine ways has helped him maintain a relatively charitable outlook on life and other people.
42. Hobbies?
Many. Howard’s hobbies include, but are not limited to, creative writing, photography, stationery management, music (both playing it and listening to it), collecting rare jazz albums, making jazz-themed pencil cases, reading almanacs and studying maps, acting, and seeking his fame and/or fortune.
43. How far did they get in formal education? What are their views on formal education vs self-education?
Howard completed his basic studies as a relatively indifferent student and then never went to uni. He does, however, put great stock in self-education and improving yourself in ways that formal education can’t allow. He would wax philosophical on the virtues of self-education and enrichment, and the history of such, for well over an hour, if Vince didn’t interrupt him about five minutes into it with a question about why grapefruits don’t taste anything like grapes.
44. Religion?
Not religious.
45. Superstitions or views on the occult?
Well, considering the magical realism of the Boosh universe, the fact that he lives with a shaman who does magic, and the fact that Vince once rescued him from Hell… yes, Howard is a believer.
46. Do they express their thoughts through words or deeds?
When Howard expresses himself in words, the feelings tend to get a bit stilted or over the top or lost in translation or just plain embarrassing, so… he does try, but his actions often speak more eloquently.
47. If they were to fall in love, who (or what) is their ideal?
If you asked Howard what his ideal was, he’d probably say that she’s a classy lady, a sophisticated, jazz-loving, intellectual woman of the world. This is why Howard’s still unhappily single: he doesn’t know what he ACTUALLY wants. His real ideal is his opposite, somebody who both balances and complements him. Somebody whose optimism balances his innate pessimism, and who believes in his dreams, even when they're outlandish. Somebody who keeps him from getting too gloomy or uptight and reminds him to live in the moment and be happy. So… Vince.
48. How do they express love?
Stalking, writing cream poetry, weeping into fish ponds, attempting to box a kangaroo and generally trying to act impressively. But that’s just what Howard does when he’s infatuated. When he’s actually in love, it’s evident in all the little things he does: changing sheets and making tea, baking little cakes, making dinner, straightening Vince’s hair when he wasn't able to do it.
49. If this person were to get into a fist fight, what is their fighting style like?
Generally: flailing, curling into a ball, and/or hiding behind Vince. But if he had no time to think beforehand and had to just react, Howard could… maybe not do well, but well enough. His form is embarrassing, but he’s got size going for him, and he's stronger than he realizes. At the very least, he’s capable of punching out ten-year-old boys and nanas.
50. Is this person afraid of dying? Why or why not?
The phrase to remember here is, “Don’t kill me! I’ve got so much to give!” Howard is notoriously afraid of dying, and what he says at those times when he's threatened tells us why: he’s afraid of dying unfulfilled--of not having achieved any of the things he wanted to do, of not having lived up to the potential greatness that he feels inside himself, of not loving and being loved in the way that he’d like to. He's a man of grand designs; he'd like to realize at least a few of them.
51. Sleep habits? And what does this person wear to bed?
Howard's a traditional, button-up pyjama sort of guy, and sometimes he gets zany and wears them in stripes. His dressing gown is big and warm and a soothing shade of oatmeal, and although it's more than a little worn in places, he has no plans to replace it anytime soon. Interestingly, Vince does not fight him on this--though perhaps that's because he wears it sometimes, too, when he's bloody freezing and wants a cuddle and he thinks Howard won't know. (Howard always knows. His dressing gown doesn't usually smell like vanilla and tropical flowers and hairspray.)
As for his sleeping habits, they're surprisingly solid. Well, they'd have to be, for him to sleep undisturbed through all of Vince's comings and goings and middle-of-the-night hairdressing--not to mention his snoring, though Howard's never been able to bring himself to inform Vince that he does, in fact, snore. Most people would probably peg Howard as a man too worried to sleep well or deeply, but they're only a little right: his customary anxiety does sometimes make it tough for him to fall asleep, but once he does, he's usually out for eight hours of solid and peaceful slumber.
The only time when Howard was plagued with sleeplessness was during his time in Denmark. He's still not sure if it was just because of the unfamiliarity of the surroundings, or his unhappiness and humiliation at starring in that stupid advert... or just possibly it was the absence of a familiar and comforting snore from the opposite side of the room. Silence had never seemed so unwelcome to him before.