a while
It's been a while since I've really wrote anything down. My general manager, whom I feel like I have a love/hate relationship encouraged me to start journaling again. Of course the first thing that comes out of my mind is work. Work all the time. I dream about work. I have so much anxiety about work. Now I think that everyone is out to get me, which brings me to my biggest fear, losing my job.
I look at the picture I have on my blog, and it reminds me of a time when I wanted so badly to be loved and liked by this one boy. I did crazy things that I realize now were completely foolish. Chasing something that ran twice as fast as I could.
I don't know how I feel. I'm depressed. So maybe I do know. I'm tired. I can't make my mind up about anything. Decisons are so hard and I'm forced to make them in every aspect of my life every day. Which is no less than anyone else. I can't decide how I want my hair to look, what kind of job I want, if I want to go to grad school and if so what grad school and what should I study. The list goes on, what am I going to have for dinner, what would Edgar like for dinner...why can't he just decide and make it. Why can't he just decide and make it. Why can't he just decide and make it.
Why can't he manage his money better? Why do I make nearly 500 less than him in a month but I can stretch my money out for two weeks before the next pay day. Why does he irritate me to the breaking point so often???
Energy. I just don't have it and I'm trying so hard to get it. I want to join an indoor soccer team and I would love for Edgar to do it with me, but maybe I want to do it on my own. I want to have something that is my own, something that makes me happy. Maybe that's what I need to do. Do this on my own. Something else to decide I guess.
I look at the picture I have on my blog, and it reminds me of a time when I wanted so badly to be loved and liked by this one boy. I did crazy things that I realize now were completely foolish. Chasing something that ran twice as fast as I could.
I don't know how I feel. I'm depressed. So maybe I do know. I'm tired. I can't make my mind up about anything. Decisons are so hard and I'm forced to make them in every aspect of my life every day. Which is no less than anyone else. I can't decide how I want my hair to look, what kind of job I want, if I want to go to grad school and if so what grad school and what should I study. The list goes on, what am I going to have for dinner, what would Edgar like for dinner...why can't he just decide and make it. Why can't he just decide and make it. Why can't he just decide and make it.
Why can't he manage his money better? Why do I make nearly 500 less than him in a month but I can stretch my money out for two weeks before the next pay day. Why does he irritate me to the breaking point so often???
Energy. I just don't have it and I'm trying so hard to get it. I want to join an indoor soccer team and I would love for Edgar to do it with me, but maybe I want to do it on my own. I want to have something that is my own, something that makes me happy. Maybe that's what I need to do. Do this on my own. Something else to decide I guess.