smile.
I broke down today at work. That desk is so suffocating, one way in, one way out and 5 blockades between me and the door. Edgar doesn't understand. All I needed was to sit down for a little while today. Instead, I went home. His selfishness is more than I can handle. Everything is about him. He can't look past himself to see me. Every day is more and more of a stuggle. To get out of bed, to stand at attention and smile, help people. I helped three people who didn't smile back at me today. I put on my best show and they just couldn't give me a fucking smile.
My mom talked me through a lot of things. How lucky I am to have a job. How they don't need Christmas presents this year. How no one knew our country would be in this situation this time last year. I know that she is stuggling too. She's such a stong person, her life has been all but pleasant and yet she's percevered.
There are things I need to do on my own. I want to join that soccer team on my own. School used to be that thing I did on my own, now all I have is work and Edgar. That is enough to make me go insane. He even has his own thing, music...he takes two nights a week and plays with his friends, at first it bugged me that he had something he loved to do and did it without me, now I'm hoping he does even more of it. He is pushing himself away from me, and seeing him doesn't bring me joy any more. I know he loves me and I love him. I just don't know what is wrong, besides depression. No energy, no joy, just a whole shit load of feeling sorry for myself and wanting to cry for no particular reason.
My mom talked me through a lot of things. How lucky I am to have a job. How they don't need Christmas presents this year. How no one knew our country would be in this situation this time last year. I know that she is stuggling too. She's such a stong person, her life has been all but pleasant and yet she's percevered.
There are things I need to do on my own. I want to join that soccer team on my own. School used to be that thing I did on my own, now all I have is work and Edgar. That is enough to make me go insane. He even has his own thing, music...he takes two nights a week and plays with his friends, at first it bugged me that he had something he loved to do and did it without me, now I'm hoping he does even more of it. He is pushing himself away from me, and seeing him doesn't bring me joy any more. I know he loves me and I love him. I just don't know what is wrong, besides depression. No energy, no joy, just a whole shit load of feeling sorry for myself and wanting to cry for no particular reason.