when the mind wanders...
So the boyfriend and I are still ok... I think. I just came back from a weekend in New York City with the parents. Mom and Dad are in town (Mom has been in town for the past couple weeks already) and we had a memorial service to attend for the weekend. The past week I pretty much spent every moment I could with the boyfriend... waking up in each other's beds... taking showers and each other's places and hanging out together until we were going out to do something. The weekend was a good break and I guess a good litmus test to see how well this next month will go when I'm gone for the whole time across the world in Hong Kong.
To be honest, I'm a little worried. I feel like my heart is slowly removing itself from the situation... I did my usual stupid little freak out thing I usually do about how he doesn't like to talk on the phone and that I already missed him even though we were only apart for a couple days. I felt like he was distancing himself and while we sort of talked about it when I got back and I understand how he feels (he was really tired and he really just doesn't like talking on the phone... except to his mom) the damage I guess was done. It's my own fault really. My mind goes to all these places it shouldn't and the rest of me starts to change before I can even get things sorted. I talked to Dan about all that I was feeling and of course, he told me I was being a little dumb and stupid. He's absolutely right. I was really making a big deal out of nothing and the next morning I felt fine... but I can already tell things are changing for me.
It's raining today in Seattle. It's a little cold and it's actually pouring out pretty hard... but there's the inner me that wants to run around and splash about in the puddles... and I want to do that for myself. There are things that I want to go do right now that I don't want him involved in... and I think that's the part of me that's trying to preserve my own sanity/self-confidence and to protect itself from getting hurt. I think it's stupid to have a relationship where you're always preparing to be hurt by the person you're with. First; you're inevitably going to be hurt, it's just a fact. Second; you never fully feel if you're always on guard. I hate that I do this to myself... and basically set myself up for a self-fulfilling prophecy. But at the same time, part of me thinks it's smart. I get too wrapped up in things and it's always good to take a step back. I'm going to try to spend the rest of this week not thinking about him as much and not wondering if he's thinking of me... I'm not going to spend the night at his place and he will not spend another night at mine (last night was kind of an exception). I think this is just a way for me to keep my feelings in check. I don't want to be the one that gets so lost in it all that I can't see things for what they really are. This is me just making sure I'm still tuned into reality.
Our relationship went from moments of him being more invested to me being more invested to it being shared equally and now, I'm worried I'm the one who's really invested. I want to be on even ground... so I pull myself back until I think he catches up or it fizzles.
For now, I'm going to breathe in this cold thick air and revel in how refreshing it is and how I can be a whole person without needing someone to fill the empty spaces. I was fine on my own before... and I can be fine on my own again. I just need to keep remembering that it's okay to be lonely, even if you feel that way when you're in the company of others. Loneliness is a state of mind and to overcome it you just need yourself... right?
I turn to my past to find comfort in my own memories and grasp within to find the strength to be the best me I know is there... I don't need people... in the end, there will only be me that I can rely on and that should be good enough.
To be honest, I'm a little worried. I feel like my heart is slowly removing itself from the situation... I did my usual stupid little freak out thing I usually do about how he doesn't like to talk on the phone and that I already missed him even though we were only apart for a couple days. I felt like he was distancing himself and while we sort of talked about it when I got back and I understand how he feels (he was really tired and he really just doesn't like talking on the phone... except to his mom) the damage I guess was done. It's my own fault really. My mind goes to all these places it shouldn't and the rest of me starts to change before I can even get things sorted. I talked to Dan about all that I was feeling and of course, he told me I was being a little dumb and stupid. He's absolutely right. I was really making a big deal out of nothing and the next morning I felt fine... but I can already tell things are changing for me.
It's raining today in Seattle. It's a little cold and it's actually pouring out pretty hard... but there's the inner me that wants to run around and splash about in the puddles... and I want to do that for myself. There are things that I want to go do right now that I don't want him involved in... and I think that's the part of me that's trying to preserve my own sanity/self-confidence and to protect itself from getting hurt. I think it's stupid to have a relationship where you're always preparing to be hurt by the person you're with. First; you're inevitably going to be hurt, it's just a fact. Second; you never fully feel if you're always on guard. I hate that I do this to myself... and basically set myself up for a self-fulfilling prophecy. But at the same time, part of me thinks it's smart. I get too wrapped up in things and it's always good to take a step back. I'm going to try to spend the rest of this week not thinking about him as much and not wondering if he's thinking of me... I'm not going to spend the night at his place and he will not spend another night at mine (last night was kind of an exception). I think this is just a way for me to keep my feelings in check. I don't want to be the one that gets so lost in it all that I can't see things for what they really are. This is me just making sure I'm still tuned into reality.
Our relationship went from moments of him being more invested to me being more invested to it being shared equally and now, I'm worried I'm the one who's really invested. I want to be on even ground... so I pull myself back until I think he catches up or it fizzles.
For now, I'm going to breathe in this cold thick air and revel in how refreshing it is and how I can be a whole person without needing someone to fill the empty spaces. I was fine on my own before... and I can be fine on my own again. I just need to keep remembering that it's okay to be lonely, even if you feel that way when you're in the company of others. Loneliness is a state of mind and to overcome it you just need yourself... right?
I turn to my past to find comfort in my own memories and grasp within to find the strength to be the best me I know is there... I don't need people... in the end, there will only be me that I can rely on and that should be good enough.