talk it over...
Last night was yet another crisis for me. Sort of. Asian guy and I had an argument of sorts. It's complicated. Let me explain the situation:
Entry after entry, I continue to be confused by my "relationship" with asian guy. What are we doing together? Is there more to "us" than just the physical side? Could there be a future? I've been guarding myself from being hurt because I felt like he wanted to leave things undefined and keep his options open. I was trying to be okay with it, give him his space, let him date around if that's what he wanted to do. He has this saying of "people just do what they want to do"... and to me, sometimes it sounds like a cop-out. So, I've been trying to make more friends, meet more people, including guys, just so I don't get so attached. Well, last night was a complicated night. I was working on the hair falls that I make with Cleo (yay dreds) and watching anime to keep me occupied. This guy I met at a dinner party with Jennie on Tuesday messaged me and asked about the anime and after a short conversation, it sounded like he would be interested in watching it. I told him I was working but if he wanted to watch he was welcome to come over. I was being nice and really didn't think anything of it, to be honest... I was waiting for asian guy to get back from work and hopefully come over. It didn't cross my mind that it would be weird... until he came by. He came in, sat down for a second, then said he was hungry and was gonna go and get a bite to eat and head home. I got upset by that and knew that something was up. We went downstairs and started talking/arguing a bit... he said he felt awkward and wanted to get out of here. He seemed upset and that made me feel really bad and, in turn, upset because he just wanted to ditch it and not deal with the situation. The guy that came over heard us, I guess, because he excused himself and left. I felt bad about that but I really wanted to resolve the situation with asian guy.
After talking and arguing a bit about the fact that he wanted to just leave and not talk about it, I convinced him to stay the night anyway... for me. We discussed why I felt bad (that it seemed he just wanted to ignore the whole thing) and he told me what he was feeling (that he needed to pull back because he felt like I was the one that wanted to date around). He got mad at me when I told him that I was unsure of what he wanted and when I suggested that it was him that remained distant. He said he'd never said or tried to give the impression that he wasn't ready to commit or that there was anyone else he wanted to spend his time with but me. We talked more into the early morning and eventually, I asked him... "Are you my boyfriend? Am I your girlfriend?" To which he replied that he considered me his girlfriend and had been thinking that for a little while. We ended up resolving our issues, more or less, and fell asleep in each other's arms. Before falling asleep I decided to put myself out there and told him that I wanted to be with him... I even told him about my trip to the hospital. He took that news in stride.
I was a little worried this morning when I woke up because I wasn't sure if we had actually resolved everything or whether we had just sort of glossed over it... when he woke up I asked if we were okay. He said we were but he still thought that it would've been better if he had left instead of stayed to talk about it/argue. I got annoyed at that again and told him that was part of what was bothering me... just that attitude. We didn't really address that though and spent the rest of the day together. We hung out with Lina for lunch and then all went over to the U-District for some bubble tea. Lina drove and she actually ended up needing to leave. She was going to give us a ride back but it was such a beautiful day out that we said we'd figure out the bus. We spent the rest of the day walking around the UW campus and he showed me the different buildings, we even went IN them.... wow. This one library is soooo nice, it reminds me of MoHo. Walking around campus really made me nostalgic about school and MHC and I realized I REALLY do want to go back to school now. I just want to finish. As we walked around he held my hand and smiled at me through his eyes. We sat down by the fountain and he admitted that he was glad that he stayed the night after all... he wouldn't concede that I was "right" but he did say he agreed that it was better that he stayed to talk. We found our way home on the bus (and he got to see that I really am a capable woman... I navigated the bus system!!) and while we were on the bus he said he understood why I was upset when he said he wanted to leave and that I had a point about staying to hash things out... regardless of whether or not we argue or agree with each other, it's important to hear each other out as a way of saying that we care about what the other person has to say.
I have a boyfriend... who refers to coming over as coming "home"... and I'm waiting for him tonight to come back so we can fall asleep in each other's arms again...
Entry after entry, I continue to be confused by my "relationship" with asian guy. What are we doing together? Is there more to "us" than just the physical side? Could there be a future? I've been guarding myself from being hurt because I felt like he wanted to leave things undefined and keep his options open. I was trying to be okay with it, give him his space, let him date around if that's what he wanted to do. He has this saying of "people just do what they want to do"... and to me, sometimes it sounds like a cop-out. So, I've been trying to make more friends, meet more people, including guys, just so I don't get so attached. Well, last night was a complicated night. I was working on the hair falls that I make with Cleo (yay dreds) and watching anime to keep me occupied. This guy I met at a dinner party with Jennie on Tuesday messaged me and asked about the anime and after a short conversation, it sounded like he would be interested in watching it. I told him I was working but if he wanted to watch he was welcome to come over. I was being nice and really didn't think anything of it, to be honest... I was waiting for asian guy to get back from work and hopefully come over. It didn't cross my mind that it would be weird... until he came by. He came in, sat down for a second, then said he was hungry and was gonna go and get a bite to eat and head home. I got upset by that and knew that something was up. We went downstairs and started talking/arguing a bit... he said he felt awkward and wanted to get out of here. He seemed upset and that made me feel really bad and, in turn, upset because he just wanted to ditch it and not deal with the situation. The guy that came over heard us, I guess, because he excused himself and left. I felt bad about that but I really wanted to resolve the situation with asian guy.
After talking and arguing a bit about the fact that he wanted to just leave and not talk about it, I convinced him to stay the night anyway... for me. We discussed why I felt bad (that it seemed he just wanted to ignore the whole thing) and he told me what he was feeling (that he needed to pull back because he felt like I was the one that wanted to date around). He got mad at me when I told him that I was unsure of what he wanted and when I suggested that it was him that remained distant. He said he'd never said or tried to give the impression that he wasn't ready to commit or that there was anyone else he wanted to spend his time with but me. We talked more into the early morning and eventually, I asked him... "Are you my boyfriend? Am I your girlfriend?" To which he replied that he considered me his girlfriend and had been thinking that for a little while. We ended up resolving our issues, more or less, and fell asleep in each other's arms. Before falling asleep I decided to put myself out there and told him that I wanted to be with him... I even told him about my trip to the hospital. He took that news in stride.
I was a little worried this morning when I woke up because I wasn't sure if we had actually resolved everything or whether we had just sort of glossed over it... when he woke up I asked if we were okay. He said we were but he still thought that it would've been better if he had left instead of stayed to talk about it/argue. I got annoyed at that again and told him that was part of what was bothering me... just that attitude. We didn't really address that though and spent the rest of the day together. We hung out with Lina for lunch and then all went over to the U-District for some bubble tea. Lina drove and she actually ended up needing to leave. She was going to give us a ride back but it was such a beautiful day out that we said we'd figure out the bus. We spent the rest of the day walking around the UW campus and he showed me the different buildings, we even went IN them.... wow. This one library is soooo nice, it reminds me of MoHo. Walking around campus really made me nostalgic about school and MHC and I realized I REALLY do want to go back to school now. I just want to finish. As we walked around he held my hand and smiled at me through his eyes. We sat down by the fountain and he admitted that he was glad that he stayed the night after all... he wouldn't concede that I was "right" but he did say he agreed that it was better that he stayed to talk. We found our way home on the bus (and he got to see that I really am a capable woman... I navigated the bus system!!) and while we were on the bus he said he understood why I was upset when he said he wanted to leave and that I had a point about staying to hash things out... regardless of whether or not we argue or agree with each other, it's important to hear each other out as a way of saying that we care about what the other person has to say.
I have a boyfriend... who refers to coming over as coming "home"... and I'm waiting for him tonight to come back so we can fall asleep in each other's arms again...