but you've got me looking through the blinds
Well, THA is over. Though i will see many of the scholars at Morehead, i'll still miss having them all as a group. They are really good kids and i learned a lot from them. It took many of them a long time that Kyle, Karen, Ben, and i really do love them dearly. It was one of the best experiences of my life.
The night before last (maybe? all the days ran together), i stayed up until 6:30 talking to Kyle. Earlier that night, a bunch of us had been reading out of this 'book of questions' that i had (we were all so slaphappy that at one point, Kyle, Ben, and i were all standing on chairs answering questions like 'would you sleep with a stranger for a thousand bucks?'), and there was one about asking one person one thing that i decided not to answer becasue my answer would have been Ben. Kyle was curious, so i told him i'd tell him later, so after Ben went to bed, we ended up talking about the fact that i fell him. Kyle said that he had caught on a few days ago, and that his doubt was removed earlier that day when Ben was expected to be back from a GSP meeting any minute and he saw me looking out the window awaiting his return. He told me that when he realized i liked Ben, he thought, "well good for him!" and that he hoped we could wait until the program was over... but that was before he found out Ben was taken.
I asked Kyle why he thought Ben sounded so flat when asked about his girlfriend, since he's probably very happy with her, and Kyle said he doesn't think he really is that happy. I was admittedly glad to hear this, and figured it might be true since that evening Ben had told us he has problems with intimacy beyond a certain point and he's not really sure what he wants. I also don't think he's going to break up with his girlfriend any time soon. I also told Kyle about never having dated anyone; he was shocked and listened curiously as i tried to explain my conjectures as to why. He told me that he has a friend who's about 26 and is pretty much in my position; he says he doesn't understand that, either, because she's a really amazing person. In almost a fatherlike way, Kyle told me that some people are so special other people don't know what to do with them, that it almost scares them because they're like magic and normal people don't know what to do with magic. It really meant a lot to me.
I wish i could explain the extent of Ben's awesomeness, how every qualm i've had about guys being closed-minded and slightly racist or too 'intellectual' to be Christians or too Bible-thumpy to be intellectual was nowhere to be found in him, but i'll spare you. Yesterday, i was trying not to think about the fact that in a few hours, everyone would be gone. I just hugged each scholar goodbye, had one last long talk with Ben and Kyle, and ate dinner with Ben, Kyle, and Karen before we all talked some more and i went home. At one point, i was holding a pink rose that i had taken from the centerpiece at our final luncheon (i was encouraged to, because otherwise they'd just be thrown away), and after shortening the stem, i had attached it to my belt (my shirt said 'plant more flowers'... it fit with the theme). But after awhile, i took it out and, since Ben's shirt had a pocket, i just stuck the flower in. I was thinking he'd be amused but just sort of take it out and throw it away later, but you could tell he really thought it was cute; it kept slipping down in the pocket and he'd keep bringing it back up. Later, i saw him carrying it along with the group picture we had all taken and his thank-you card from Kyle. I hope a small part of him realized that i gave him that flower for a reason.
We're planning to get together with the scholars on several weekends during the school year, which is something that Ben expressed a keen interest in doing, so i know i'll see him again before too long. I thought i could say goodbye without getting too emotional, and i managed to at least pretend i didn't. He gave me a big hug and told me to keep in touch, and i was able to act normal enough. But when i left with Kyle and Karen (they took me home), and Ben got in his car as well (he had to go to Wal-Mart to get decorations for his hall), i saw him turn the corner and i realized that that was IT and i got a little misty-eyed.
And now i'm just sort of confused... Kevin used to mean the world to me and now he's just... a cool professor again. I used to want to go to Europe to, i dunno, 'experience the world,' and now i realize that it won't bring me happiness because i know what happiness is now. It's crazy now, just knowing that Ben exists... that he lives right here in Louisville and that Centre is so close to UK and that for ten days, our lives just so happened to overlap. Ten days may not seem like a long time, but we were together about 20 hours a day each day. I feel like i got know him much faster and on a deeper level than most would through any normal interaction.
But for right now, it doesn't really matter, does it? In two days i'll be at Morehead with new responsibilities and new people to meet. I'll never forget him, though.
The night before last (maybe? all the days ran together), i stayed up until 6:30 talking to Kyle. Earlier that night, a bunch of us had been reading out of this 'book of questions' that i had (we were all so slaphappy that at one point, Kyle, Ben, and i were all standing on chairs answering questions like 'would you sleep with a stranger for a thousand bucks?'), and there was one about asking one person one thing that i decided not to answer becasue my answer would have been Ben. Kyle was curious, so i told him i'd tell him later, so after Ben went to bed, we ended up talking about the fact that i fell him. Kyle said that he had caught on a few days ago, and that his doubt was removed earlier that day when Ben was expected to be back from a GSP meeting any minute and he saw me looking out the window awaiting his return. He told me that when he realized i liked Ben, he thought, "well good for him!" and that he hoped we could wait until the program was over... but that was before he found out Ben was taken.
I asked Kyle why he thought Ben sounded so flat when asked about his girlfriend, since he's probably very happy with her, and Kyle said he doesn't think he really is that happy. I was admittedly glad to hear this, and figured it might be true since that evening Ben had told us he has problems with intimacy beyond a certain point and he's not really sure what he wants. I also don't think he's going to break up with his girlfriend any time soon. I also told Kyle about never having dated anyone; he was shocked and listened curiously as i tried to explain my conjectures as to why. He told me that he has a friend who's about 26 and is pretty much in my position; he says he doesn't understand that, either, because she's a really amazing person. In almost a fatherlike way, Kyle told me that some people are so special other people don't know what to do with them, that it almost scares them because they're like magic and normal people don't know what to do with magic. It really meant a lot to me.
I wish i could explain the extent of Ben's awesomeness, how every qualm i've had about guys being closed-minded and slightly racist or too 'intellectual' to be Christians or too Bible-thumpy to be intellectual was nowhere to be found in him, but i'll spare you. Yesterday, i was trying not to think about the fact that in a few hours, everyone would be gone. I just hugged each scholar goodbye, had one last long talk with Ben and Kyle, and ate dinner with Ben, Kyle, and Karen before we all talked some more and i went home. At one point, i was holding a pink rose that i had taken from the centerpiece at our final luncheon (i was encouraged to, because otherwise they'd just be thrown away), and after shortening the stem, i had attached it to my belt (my shirt said 'plant more flowers'... it fit with the theme). But after awhile, i took it out and, since Ben's shirt had a pocket, i just stuck the flower in. I was thinking he'd be amused but just sort of take it out and throw it away later, but you could tell he really thought it was cute; it kept slipping down in the pocket and he'd keep bringing it back up. Later, i saw him carrying it along with the group picture we had all taken and his thank-you card from Kyle. I hope a small part of him realized that i gave him that flower for a reason.
We're planning to get together with the scholars on several weekends during the school year, which is something that Ben expressed a keen interest in doing, so i know i'll see him again before too long. I thought i could say goodbye without getting too emotional, and i managed to at least pretend i didn't. He gave me a big hug and told me to keep in touch, and i was able to act normal enough. But when i left with Kyle and Karen (they took me home), and Ben got in his car as well (he had to go to Wal-Mart to get decorations for his hall), i saw him turn the corner and i realized that that was IT and i got a little misty-eyed.
And now i'm just sort of confused... Kevin used to mean the world to me and now he's just... a cool professor again. I used to want to go to Europe to, i dunno, 'experience the world,' and now i realize that it won't bring me happiness because i know what happiness is now. It's crazy now, just knowing that Ben exists... that he lives right here in Louisville and that Centre is so close to UK and that for ten days, our lives just so happened to overlap. Ten days may not seem like a long time, but we were together about 20 hours a day each day. I feel like i got know him much faster and on a deeper level than most would through any normal interaction.
But for right now, it doesn't really matter, does it? In two days i'll be at Morehead with new responsibilities and new people to meet. I'll never forget him, though.