::beats::
Kyle, my 'boss,' continues to be cool. I let him listen to bloc party and he liked it. We alson continued listening to my favorites list during game time tonight. We are going to have a music swap soon. Today we had a 'sketch off,' which consisted of us drawing each other (he was a fine arts major), which was cool. He's very laid back and perfect for this job because he relates to the kids really well. He loves telling stories to Ben and me about... well, everything, including his time spent working as one of the ninja turtles in costume back in the day. A little girl walked up to him, grabbed between his legs, and wouldn't let go.
Ben continues to be wonderful. Every second i'm with him now feels more precious because not only will Wednesday be the last day of the program, but he's GSP RAing at Bellarmine, so starting today they've had to steal him away from us so he can get acquainted with those people. He told me and Kyle that he doesn't like doing that; that it's weird because he knows he should be spending time with them because it's the beginning, but that he hates being away from all of us because it's the end. He also said it felt like there were 'too many white people', and that going to Centre he doesn't really get the chance to be around alot of different backgrounds and things like that. My favorite moments are the small ones, like when Kyle or Mohammed (a corpulent, lovable kid from Bangladesh who is hilarious and looks up to Ben like no other... today, Kyle played a slightly obsceneTenacious D song (can you guess which one) for him and his reaction was priceless) says something hilarious and we look at each other and crack up, or like tonight, when all of us were at Wal-Mart and Ben and I were the only ones to notice this lady with a rather poor figure wearing rather tight/odd clothing and again, started cracking up. It's so hard to believe that just last week i was sitting in front of him at Ramsi's (initial staff meeting/dinner) and i thought nothing of it.
This is starting to feel like a sick joke. Normally i get to say, "oh, he's arrogant, or he's perhaps a little racist, or he's obsessed with some other girl, or he's gay, or he's perfect except for the whole not-being-a-Christian part, or he's immature, or he's 29." With Ben, i can only say,
"He's taken."
Kyle and Ben and i talked for a good hour tonight, and around 2:30, Ben (who was obviously too tired to even think) said he was going to bed. My heart sank, as it usually does, because i hate to see him leave. But before i know it, i'm still talking to Kyle and Ben comes back out with a toothbrush in his mouth, finishes up with that, and then comes back and sits down with us to talk some more before finally heading to bed (he's asleep now). When i look at him, i can't quite like the fact that i'll be doing GSP at Bellarmine for the next five weeks. When i look at him, things like going to Europe to... explore things doesn't sound so interesting anymore. It even seems like next semester at UK is going to be strangely boring (and this one kind of was, too, which is why you get things like the Harrelson trip). But most of all, when i look at him, i can't believe that this guy-- this guy that i've spent about 18 hours a day with for the past seven days with and who pretty much has every quality i could ever look for in a guy-- will no longer be a part of my life.
And i'm not gonna whine about it. If that's the way it has to be, fine. I just sort of fear for myself a little bit... i mean, you know something had to be wrong with me for me to fall that deeply for Kevin, and now i meet someone who'd would actually be perfect for me and i can't have him, either. Do you know what he was telling me at the baseball game a few days ago? "I don't like the way only one person sings the national anthem. It's passive involvement and you don't think about it as much. I think everyone should sing it together, because then it would show an active, collective sense of patriotism instead of just watching some diva show us how well she can sing." I just... things like that, on top of everything else i've described to you about him... no.
But yeah, no whining. I'm not sure what i feel; i know i need to trust God, and i do; he has someone as wonderful as Ben out there for me. I'm just more than a little perturbed that he's letting me suffer so much along the way. I'm so fed up with (and in cases like Kevin, somewhat ashamed of) all of this that i almost feel like it'll make me numb and i'll spend my junior year in a complacent, 'life-of-quiet-desperation" state. Because now that i know what life is like with Ben, life without Ben won't seem nearly so peachy.
In other words, i'm pissed.