lead my skeptic sight.... to the table and the light.
I want him to become a Christian for two reasons.
One of them is selfish: i have it in my head that 1)If he is saved, he is then someone who i could date and marry if situations came to that; otherwise i would be joined to a nonbeliever and this is not something that i want or need-- to be in love with someone who is not in love with God. I could not date the nonbeliever, no matter how gratifying it felt for a time, without all the while knowing it was the wrong thing. But dating the believer would not necessarily be the wrong thing, but could very well be the right thing. 2)If he is saved, he is more likely to love me because I love God and we have that much more in common; a human being with a new nature is more likely to love someone with that new nature than he is another girl without that nature. So in many ways, his Christianity would work in my favor.
The other is selfless: and far less complicated. I care about him so much that it bothers me when i get glimpses of the discontentment of his mind and in his heart, the fact that he could be so much happier, the fact that he is unsure about the fact that God loves him, or even exists-- i want him to get it. I want him to get it so badly, to fully experience all that i, and other Christians have-- the joy that can't be matched by anything (even romantic love). In other words, if he got saved tomorrow and told me he was in love with another woman a day later, i would be no less elated at his salvation.
That being said, i decided to give him the book Mere Christianity, as he is an intellectual, and i think books such as this one would do much to draw him closer to Christ. I was going to give him the book to read over the summer, because i had heard from others (thanks, Laura and Steven!) that it was amazing. I trusted them, though i had not yet read it myself, and i was going to get another copy for myself.
But yesterday i was at work (becuase i had picked up someone else's shift, because i had taken off one of my shifts, so i could go to an event at which he would be... i told you irony was my friend) and i knew i could spent the hours of 5-10 however i wanted. I decided to start that book. I read for all five hours yesteray and for the bulk of today, and what grew in me was not only the deep desire that he read these words himself, but someone quite less expected: a greater love and appreciation for God.
Parts of this book almost brought me to tears. It was like having my own faith explained to me with such clarity that i was spellbound. This book caused me to let go of the annoyance i have for 'bad' Christians who, in my eyes, are poor witnesses because they curse or smoke pot. This book caused me to realize (and this is the most profound and applicable to Friday's entry) that my life is not simply a parade which God sees from above from start to finish, as i once believed. It is a line drawn on a sheet of paper, and that sheet of paper is God. He does not see the plan, in being in Him, i am a part of the plan. Lewis uses another example-- if i am a house and God is making a new house out of me, there are some things i can understand-- i can understand him repainting walls and clearing drains. But i cannot understand him taking out wings of me, knocking parts of me down. He's allowing me to undergo a certain amount of pain (in my case, loneliness) in order to make me into not a prettier house, but a palace. I always knew that all things work together for the good of those who love him, but i had never thought of His plan in quite that way before.
When i told Christyn, one of my older friends, that i liked him, i expected her to communicate this liking as being somehow immature. She did not, as i have was ready for her to do, tell me to grow up and be realistic, but she told me to make sure that my love (though i never called it this) was real. She told me in this excerpt from The Message Bible:
So this is my prayer: that your love will
flourish and that you will not only love much but
well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use
your head and test your feelings 10so that your
love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental
gush. Live a lover's life, circumspect and
exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of:
11bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus
Christ attractive to all, getting everyone
involved in the glory and praise of God.
phil 1:9-11 MSG
While i turned the pages of that book, i realized what a love like that means. It is a love that makes me want nothing more than for him to sit alone in his apartment, turning those same pages, while God is all the while opening his heart to the message of Christ. I imagine him surrendering to God and being changed, and i have no greater wish. This wish supercedes my wanting to be around him, to date him, to kiss him (and that's saying a lot, believe me). It is more than a human love, it is a Godly love.
So now, whatever happens, i need not fret. I will make it through the summer because the One who created him will be there. No matter what happens, I will make it though this stage in my life, because He is the One directing it. My admiration for this guy is very hard on me-- it makes me lose focus, sanity, sleep. It makes me visit him when i could be studying, think about him when i could be praying. But tonight it actually brought me closer to Jesus, and it is so absolutely wonderful.
For me, it may simply be a love that cannot be requited in full. For him, it could be the catalyst to a changed life.
And because of this, and only this, do i know i'm not wasting my time.
One of them is selfish: i have it in my head that 1)If he is saved, he is then someone who i could date and marry if situations came to that; otherwise i would be joined to a nonbeliever and this is not something that i want or need-- to be in love with someone who is not in love with God. I could not date the nonbeliever, no matter how gratifying it felt for a time, without all the while knowing it was the wrong thing. But dating the believer would not necessarily be the wrong thing, but could very well be the right thing. 2)If he is saved, he is more likely to love me because I love God and we have that much more in common; a human being with a new nature is more likely to love someone with that new nature than he is another girl without that nature. So in many ways, his Christianity would work in my favor.
The other is selfless: and far less complicated. I care about him so much that it bothers me when i get glimpses of the discontentment of his mind and in his heart, the fact that he could be so much happier, the fact that he is unsure about the fact that God loves him, or even exists-- i want him to get it. I want him to get it so badly, to fully experience all that i, and other Christians have-- the joy that can't be matched by anything (even romantic love). In other words, if he got saved tomorrow and told me he was in love with another woman a day later, i would be no less elated at his salvation.
That being said, i decided to give him the book Mere Christianity, as he is an intellectual, and i think books such as this one would do much to draw him closer to Christ. I was going to give him the book to read over the summer, because i had heard from others (thanks, Laura and Steven!) that it was amazing. I trusted them, though i had not yet read it myself, and i was going to get another copy for myself.
But yesterday i was at work (becuase i had picked up someone else's shift, because i had taken off one of my shifts, so i could go to an event at which he would be... i told you irony was my friend) and i knew i could spent the hours of 5-10 however i wanted. I decided to start that book. I read for all five hours yesteray and for the bulk of today, and what grew in me was not only the deep desire that he read these words himself, but someone quite less expected: a greater love and appreciation for God.
Parts of this book almost brought me to tears. It was like having my own faith explained to me with such clarity that i was spellbound. This book caused me to let go of the annoyance i have for 'bad' Christians who, in my eyes, are poor witnesses because they curse or smoke pot. This book caused me to realize (and this is the most profound and applicable to Friday's entry) that my life is not simply a parade which God sees from above from start to finish, as i once believed. It is a line drawn on a sheet of paper, and that sheet of paper is God. He does not see the plan, in being in Him, i am a part of the plan. Lewis uses another example-- if i am a house and God is making a new house out of me, there are some things i can understand-- i can understand him repainting walls and clearing drains. But i cannot understand him taking out wings of me, knocking parts of me down. He's allowing me to undergo a certain amount of pain (in my case, loneliness) in order to make me into not a prettier house, but a palace. I always knew that all things work together for the good of those who love him, but i had never thought of His plan in quite that way before.
When i told Christyn, one of my older friends, that i liked him, i expected her to communicate this liking as being somehow immature. She did not, as i have was ready for her to do, tell me to grow up and be realistic, but she told me to make sure that my love (though i never called it this) was real. She told me in this excerpt from The Message Bible:
So this is my prayer: that your love will
flourish and that you will not only love much but
well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use
your head and test your feelings 10so that your
love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental
gush. Live a lover's life, circumspect and
exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of:
11bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus
Christ attractive to all, getting everyone
involved in the glory and praise of God.
phil 1:9-11 MSG
While i turned the pages of that book, i realized what a love like that means. It is a love that makes me want nothing more than for him to sit alone in his apartment, turning those same pages, while God is all the while opening his heart to the message of Christ. I imagine him surrendering to God and being changed, and i have no greater wish. This wish supercedes my wanting to be around him, to date him, to kiss him (and that's saying a lot, believe me). It is more than a human love, it is a Godly love.
So now, whatever happens, i need not fret. I will make it through the summer because the One who created him will be there. No matter what happens, I will make it though this stage in my life, because He is the One directing it. My admiration for this guy is very hard on me-- it makes me lose focus, sanity, sleep. It makes me visit him when i could be studying, think about him when i could be praying. But tonight it actually brought me closer to Jesus, and it is so absolutely wonderful.
For me, it may simply be a love that cannot be requited in full. For him, it could be the catalyst to a changed life.
And because of this, and only this, do i know i'm not wasting my time.