FIC: Recovery
Title: Recovery
Author: rebecca
Pairing: Gibbs/Abby/Tony
Rating: R
Series: Applied Psychology
Summary: He'd done what he always did. He'd fucked it up.
Notes: After I saw Hiatus, I went "Well, hell, there goes Pavlov." Then I decided to fix it. So yes. Massive spoilers for Hiatus.
For skripka and sandersyager.
The sun was just coming up, its light watery and gray-blue through wispy clouds, as he unlocked the door and stepped inside. He dropped his duffle bag and rubbed a tired hand over the stubble on his jaw, stifling a yawn. He needed a shower, and a shave, and about twelve hours' sleep on something that wasn't moving.
But first, he needed to find them.
Gibbs knew it was a futile hope that they'd be upstairs. It had been over three months--thirteen weeks, if he bothered to count--and finding them in his bed--in what had been their bed--was unlikely. Still, he climbed the stairs, running his hand over the smooth silky wood of the banister, and opened the door to the bedroom.
It was empty. More than that, it was bare. The bed was stripped, the closet door hung open and the only thing Gibbs saw in it were a couple of shirts he hadn't bothered to pack. There was a faint layer of dust over everything, as well; whenever they'd packed up and left, they'd done it a while ago. Gibbs gritted his teeth and reminded himself that he couldn't just--well. Anyway.
He stopped in the bathroom and saw nothing there but a bar of Ivory and an upside-down bottle of Abby's shampoo, almost empty, leaning against the side of the shower caddy. "Pretty girl," he whispered, swallowing hard. "Christ, what have I done?"
He'd done what he always did, Gibbs thought on his way back downstairs. He picked up his duffle and stepped outside into the dawn, tossing the bag into the trunk of the rental car. He'd fucked it up.
And he had no idea if they'd let him fix it.
Question was, where to go next? They could be either place--for all he knew, they were sleeping separately, although he doubted it. He'd left them; they wouldn't have left each other.
With a shrug, he headed for Tony's. It was closer, at any rate, and if they weren't there he'd go to Abby's.
On the drive, he tried to figure out what to say, but was no closer now than he'd been when Mike had told him--cordially--to get the hell out and go back to his life.
"You can't hide forever, Gibbs. You're not like me. And you've got something back home, don't you?"
Gibbs took a long pull on his beer. "Not anymore," he said shortly.
"Whose fault is that?" Mike gave him a shrewd look. "Look, Gibbs. You want to come here, do some fishing, not think for a bit, be my guest. You want to come hide from whatever you've got back there, get the fuck out."
"Bastard," Gibbs muttered under his breath. He pulled into Tony's parking garage and found an open spot. And then he shut off the engine and just sat there for a while, trying to get up the ability to go upstairs.
He cursed himself six ways to Sunday for a coward and got out, slamming the door a bit harder than he needed to. As he walked to the elevator, he was so lost in thought that he almost missed seeing Tony's Mustang.
Almost.
The elevator ride took forever; Gibbs stared at the numbers and had no idea what he was going to do. Auto-pilot had him step out and walk down the hall to Tony's apartment. Sheer bravado had him knock.
Then he waited.
It was a minute before he heard muffled sounds behind the door and a little longer before it swung open. "Ziva, next time you--"
Tony's eyes went cold and all emotion drained from his face. Gibbs didn't even see it coming; one second he was standing and the next he was flat on his back, blood on his lip and Tony's knuckles. His jaw throbbed, but when he gingerly ran his tongue around his teeth they were all still there. He pushed himself up with a grunt, getting to his feet and licking the blood away.
"That's the least of what you deserve," Tony snarled at him. "The least."
"I know."
"Get out," Tony said in that same low snarl. "Get the fuck out."
"Tony--" Gibbs swallowed and gritted his teeth. "Tony. Please. Let me--"
"I don't have to let you do anything! You gave up that right, along with every other right you might once have thought you had. Get. Out." He'd gone from cold to hot--he was almost vibrating with anger, barely leashed and reminding Gibbs of a cornered, wounded tiger.
"Tony?" Abby's voice was blurred with sleep. She stepped up behind him, peeking around him. Her hair was mussed from sleep and she wore a black pajama top--the match to the pajama bottoms Tony had on, Gibbs noted absently. "What--" Her face went white. "Gibbs," she whispered.
Tony put his arm around her, cuddling her protectively against his side. "It's okay, Abs. He was just leaving. Weren't you, GIbbs?" Tony's smile reminded Gibbs of nothing so much as a shark.
Tony's anger was bad enough, but the quiet, silent devastation in Abby's eyes--"Pretty girl," Gibbs whispered.
"Don't call me that!"
The crack of her palm against his cheek echoed down the hall.
"Look," Gibbs said, trying for patience. "If you two are going to beat me up, can we do it somewhere less likely to attract attention?"
"Oh, I think we're done," Tony said silkily.
"No," Abby said softly. "Let him in, Tony."
Tony stared at her, surprise written all over his face. "Abs--"
"I want him to tell us why he left. I want him to tell us why he never told us about Shannon and Kelly before. I want him to tell us why he thinks he can come back and walk right back into our lives." She smiled sweetly. "Then I want to kick him out."
Slowly, Tony nodded. "All right." He stepped aside and Gibbs walked into Tony's apartment.
It was much the same as always; huge plasma TV, comfy couch, stacks of DVDs, a wastebasket filled with takeout cartons and paper plates. Gibbs took a seat in the armchair, watching Abby sit on the couch and Tony stand behind it, arms crossed over his chest.
"We're waiting," Tony said after a moment, voice clipped and cold.
Gibbs pressed his lips together and took a deep breath. "When I left--it had been one shock after another for the past two days. Waking up and thinking it was fifteen years ago, reliving the deaths of--of my family, getting my memory back in time to give a warning no one heard, just in time for it to not matter at all--" He shook his head, eyes clouding as he remembered. "I'd gotten my memory back, but part of me was still struggling with the--with--"
"With the family you never told us about," Tony said acidly.
"Yes." Gibbs looked up at him. "Do you want me to apologize for that, Tony?"
"I want to know why you never told us."
Two pairs of green eyes fixed on him and Gibbs closed his own, remembering. Shannon had had eyes like--"I couldn't," he said finally. "After it happened, after--I locked it away. It was just...too painful to remember. No one knew. Not even Ducky. I didn't tell anyone."
"We're not anyone," Abby said softly. "We were your lovers, Gibbs, and we deserved to know."
"I'm sorry." Gibbs looked at her, spreading his hands. "That's all I can say."
"So you just left." Tony looked ready to spit nails. "You didn't talk to us, you didn't say anything. You gave me your badge and your gun and you walked out the door."
"I knew you two would be all right. You had each other. And I--I couldn't be what you wanted. Not--"
"You knew nothing!" Tony exploded, and in one step he was around the couch, hands clenched at his sides. "You knew--fuck, Gibbs, for Christ's sake, you were our lover, our Master--you had everything of us, everything we were and you gave us nothing back! We needed you, we fucking loved you, and you walked out on us! You said you couldn't be what we wanted? Fuck, Gibbs, all you ever had to be with us was yourself! You son of a bitch, did you ever think that maybe trust goes both ways? That we trusted you with our lives, with--you knew what Kristen did to me and I let you anyway and this is what I get in return?"
He lunged forward, but Abby caught him, hands on his shoulders, pressing him back. "C'mon, baby, c'mon, shh, shh, baby, look at me, look at me, c'mon..." She kept murmuring to him, forcing him to look at her. "C'mon, Tony, just breathe for me, baby, that's it, just breathe..."
Tony closed his eyes and dropped his forehead against Abby's, breathing hard. She ran her nails through his hair and down his neck, petting him, still murmuring to him, coaxing him to come down a bit. "Go make some coffee, okay, baby?" she asked, kissing his forehead.
"Okay." Tony's voice was hoarse and he pulled away slowly, walking into the kitchen without a glance at Gibbs.
"Does that happen often?" Gibbs asked quietly.
"Do you really care?" Abby snapped.
"Abby...please. Tell me." Gibbs had seen Tony lose his temper before. He'd seen Tony upset. But there'd been no control in what he'd just seen--nothing held back, and Gibbs had a feeling that if Abby hadn't been there, it would have gotten very ugly very quickly.
She folded her arms over her chest. "Two weeks ago, Tony was suspended for five days for unnecessarily roughing up a suspect while in custody," she said coolly. "It was a bad case--guy kidnapped his wife and their six-year-old daughter. When we caught him, the daughter was dead. The mother's in a coma. By the time anyone managed to pull Tony off the guy, he had a fractured jaw and three broken ribs." Abby raised an eyebrow. "Is this what you wanted to know, Gibbs? You were always the one who could hold him back. You were always the one he looked up to. He held it under control because of you, and now he's got nothing. I'm the only one who can calm him down and it's getting harder and harder to do. Madame Director wants him to step down as team leader, and if he doesn't, she's probably going to make him soon."
"Abby--it wasn't that i didn't trust you." Gibbs swallowed. "It was just too painful. I pretended it had never happened."
"No lies, Gibbs. Remember? You told us that? We had to be honest with you. Did you think that didn't apply to yourself?" Abby tilted her head to the side. "When did we ever give you the impression that we'd leave you if we found out you'd once had a wife and a daughter? When did we ever make you think we wanted you to be something to us?" She shook her head. "We wanted you, Gibbs. We needed you. And you abandoned us."
"You didn't need me," Gibbs said quietly. "You--"
"Don't you ever tell me what I do and do not need," Abby hissed. "We needed you, Gibbs. You were our center. You were our Master, the one who held us together, and did you think we'd have cared if you needed us to take care of you? We'd done it before, Gibbs--it goes both ways, remember? We needed you--you held us and you gave us what we needed, what we wanted--did you think Tony didn't need you? Did you honestly think he didn't need you just because he had me, too? It took three of us. It took all three of us to make it work and Tony and I can't do it without you and--" Tears were rolling down her face and she hiccupped, rubbing them away. "We thought you'd come back, at first," she went on steadily. "We slept at the house, we kept your coffee and we made sure the boat was ready for you. After a week...we just couldn't do it anymore, we couldn't keep pretending. So we left."
"You've been staying here since then?" Gibbs asked, dying a little inside. He wanted to hold her and kiss her tears away, and he knew she'd claw his eyes out if he tried.
"His place, my place, doesn't matter." Abby shrugged and dropped onto the couch.
Tony came back in, carrying two mugs. He handed one to Abby and sat down next to her, setting the other on a coaster on his dining room table. No one said anything for a long moment; Abby looked at her coffee, Tony looked at the floor, and Gibbs looked anywhere but at them.
"What do you want, Gibbs?" Tony asked finally.
"I want to fix this," Gibbs said quietly. He looked up, meeting Tony's eyes. "I hurt you both, badly, and...I never, ever meant...I wasn't thinking. I was recovering from a pretty severe injury, and--it doesn't matter. I hurt you both, and that's what matters."
"I don't know if you can fix this," Abby whispered. "You walked out on us. Are we supposed to forgive you for that? Just snap our fingers and everything's fine?"
"No. I know we can't do that." Gibbs' throat was dry and he wished, fervently, for coffee. "But I want to try and make this better."
"You can't," Tony said curtly. "You lost your chance."
Abby set her coffee mug down. "Tell us about them," she said quietly. "Tell us about Shannon and Kelly."
"What good--" GIbbs shut up. He didn't have the right to protest. Not now.
"We've shared everything with you, Gibbs. If you want to make this better--if you want to fix this--it's time to return the favor." Abby looked at him levelly, her eyes dry and her face calm. "Tell us about them, Gibbs, and then we'll see."
"Abby--no!" Tony stood, looking down at her. "No. He doesn't--why the fuck should we listen? We didn't matter enough to him for him to tell us in the first place, why the hell should we listen now? He gave up whatever rights he had to us. Why the hell should we even listen, let alone give him a second chance?"
"And you never screwed up?" she countered.
"I never walked out on my partners for three fucking months!" Tony shouted. "If he was that upset, he should have come to us, Abs. Not just gone running to his old boss. We were the ones he was living with, the ones he slept with. We were the ones he should have come to. Not Franks. And he just walked out on us! Fuck it, Abs. If you want to listen to some sob story, that's on your head. I'm not--no."
"Tony--" Gibbs said, a little hesitantly.
"Fuck you." Tony spun and stalked into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. Abby bit her lip, looking at the door worriedly. An uncomfortable silence spread through the living room and when the door slammed open again Abby jumped.
Tony had changed into running gear and even a quick look at him revealed something Gibbs hadn't seen--or hadn't wanted to see--before. Tony had lost weight; shorts that would have fit snugly two months before were now loose and the same was true of his T-shirt. There were hollows under his eyes, hollows matched by the shadows under Abby's, now that he'd actually looked.
"Tony, don't," Abby said, getting up from the couch. "C'mon, baby. Please."
"Don't 'baby' me," Tony warned her. "You want to sit here and listen to stories we should have known months ago, that's up to you. I don't want to be anywhere near him right now."
She bit her lip again, a nervous gesture Gibbs hadn't seen before. "What if he left? What if we met later?"
"There's no--"
"Tony." Abby rested a hand on his arm, forcing him to meet her eyes. "Whether you like it or not, this isn't over between the three of us. Not yet. If you keep running, it never will be." She swallowed, but her voice was steady. "You ran from Philly, Tony. You ran from us until we made you stay. Stop running for once, Tony. Just...just stop it."
He flinched. "That's not fair," he said hoarsely.
"I don't care."
Tony's free hand clenched into a fist and his jaw tightened. "Don't push it, Abby," he said, voice low. "Because I've had enough."
"If we met later?" Abby pressed. "Someplace neutral?"
"Sanderson's. One o'clock." Tony glared at her. "Is that good enough for you?"
She nodded and looked at Gibbs. He nodded silently.
"Fine." Tony blew out a breath. "I'm going running," he said brusquely. "I don't want to see you here when I get back."
With that, he left, the door not-quite-slamming behind him.
Gibbs thought wryly that Tony always did know how to make an exit. "I'll see you there," he said, standing. Abby nodded silently.
At the door, he hesitated, looking back at Abby. She had her arms wrapped around her stomach and was looking down, hair hanging over her face. "Just go, Gibbs," she said wearily. "Just...just go."
He didn't want to. But he left.
Question was, where was he going to go? He couldn't face the house again. Not the way it was, bare and empty and full of memories. Ducky would take him in, no questions asked, but Gibbs wasn't up to dealing with Mrs. Mallard and her corgis.
The irony of checking into a hotel didn't escape him, but he signed the credit card slip and took the stairs to the third floor. The water pressure was adequate, the water hot, and after a decadently long time under the spray he almost felt human again.
Gibbs drained the last of the coffee he'd picked up on his way to the hotel and sprawled out on the bed, wearing nothing more than a towel. He closed his eyes, intending to nap for a few minutes.
When he opened them again, it was noon and he'd pulled himself out of a dream where Tony was in his arms, moving and twisting against him, hair damp with sweat and head fallen back in pleasure. Gibbs' hands ached with the sense memory of Tony's body and he swore before going to run them under cold water.
Sanderson's wasn't too far from the hotel; close enough that he decided to walk. He pulled on jeans and a blue shirt, fastened his watch--the one they'd given him for his birthday--and ran a brush through his hair before heading out the door.
It was sunny and breezy, which surprised him; he'd almost expected it to be cloudy and gloomy in reflection of everything else. But the weather never did cooperate.
He got to Sanderson's about five minutes to one and gave his name to the host, saying that he was meeting a man and a woman. The host nodded and showed him on back to a secluded booth, with Tony and Abby sitting on one side of it. She wore black cargo pants and a black T-shirt with a skull on it and he wore jeans and a faded green T-shirt. Neither of them looked all that well rested; there was a cup of coffee in front of Tony and a soda in front of Abby.
"Something to drink?" the waitress asked perkily.
"Coffee," Gibbs said, a little surprised at how rusty his voice was.
"You got it." She headed off to get the pot and Gibbs looked at his hands, then at Tony and Abby. Tony sat on the outside of the booth, eyes scanning the room restlessly.
Cop's eyes.
"So," Abby said, toying with her straw. "We gonna actually try and talk or are we gonna sit here and pretend to eat?"
The waitress returned with Gibbs' coffee. "You folks need another minute to decide?" she asked.
Tony shook his head. "Mushroom Swiss burger, medium," he said.
"Got it. And for you?" she asked, turning to Abby.
"I'll have a cup of the chicken tortilla soup and the chicken Caesar wrap." Abby put her menu on top of Tony's.
"And you, sir?"
Gibbs looked briefly at the menu. "Bacon cheeseburger, medium rare. Pepper jack cheese."
"No problem." The waitress gathered up their menus and grinned. "I'll go put that right in for you." She left
"Apparently we're gonna pretend to eat, at least," Abby commented. "What about the rest?"
"You're the one who wanted this meeting," Tony reminded her. "You talk."
"I'm not the one who needs to," she said quietly. "Tony, come on. Please."
Tony sighed. "Okay. Whatever. Fine. Talk."
"Tell us about them," Abby said quietly. "Tell us about Shannon and Kelly."
Pain ripped through him at the sound of their names. Fifteen years ago and it was yesterday and he couldn't do this, but he saw the pain and determination in Abby's eyes and the hurt and anger in Tony's. He took a deep breath, and a swallow of coffee, and nodded.
"The two happiest moments in my life were the day I married Shannon and the first time I held Kelly in my arms," Gibbs said quietly. "Shannon--she was beautiful, an Irish redhead, and the moment I saw her I fell for her. She was young when we got married--she was only twenty-one--but it didn't matter. She and I...when she told me she was pregnant, we didn't know how we were going to afford a baby but we didn't care about that, either. The baby--it was ours, our baby, and we were a family. I loved her so much--" He stopped, taking a swallow of coffee. "It was a hard labor," he said, remembering. "Shannon was slender, and there were some problems, and they thought they might have to do a C-section, but in the end Kelly came out screaming, and Shannon started laughing, and when they gave me Kelly to hold..." Gibbs closed his eyes against the futile tears. "I didn't think I could ever love something so much," he whispered.
Abby took a drink of soda, lashes lowered. Gibbs couldn't see her face and he couldn't read Tony's. But he kept on.
"We were happy. The three of us--Shannon and I talked about having another baby, but money was tight. We tried anyway, but she...she miscarried twice. Once at three months, once at two, and after that the doctor said it was unlikely she'd ever be able to carry another child to term. She was devastated--she wanted more children, but...I told her it didn't matter to me. She and Kelly were all I needed to be happy. All I wanted." Gibbs swallowed hard and shook his head. "I went to Iraq, Desert Storm, and I was supposed to be the one in trouble, the one who needed to stay safe, and they were the ones who needed protecting."
His fingers tightened around his mug. He wanted to get up, to pace, but he had to sit here and tell them. "They needed me, and I wasn't there," he said, hearing the grief in his voice and not caring. "They--" Gibbs shook his head again. "I went a little insane. I went after the bastard who killed them. I had to. It was all I had left, and it wasn't enough." He rubbed a hand over his face. "Nothing was enough. Nothing was going to bring them back. And if I was going to move on with my life, I had to lock it away. Pretend I'd never been married, never been a f-father--" His voice trembled on the word and he cursed himself for a fool. "I tried to replace them. Barbara, Diane, Christine--it didn't matter, because no one was Shannon and no one was going to be Shannon."
Gibbs picked up his mug and took a drink of coffee. "Shannon and I had played a little," he said, looking down again. "Not much. Handcuffs, spanking--nothing much more than that. I didn't want to hurt her, not like that. I didn't know, then." He shrugged. "After they died...I went looking for more. I wanted a way to exorcise it. I learned more, and somewhere along the way I found out that I liked the game for the sake of the game. But no one else was interested to the same level that I was, and I could only play vanilla for so long."
He looked up. "And then there was you," he said to Abby.
Tears shone in her eyes; one glittered on her lashes. She didn't say anything, and next to her Tony was looking down at his hands. Gibbs couldn't even see his face, let alone read him.
The waitress chose that moment to arrive with their food, setting the plates down efficiently. "You folks need anything else?" she asked.
"More coffee," Tony and Gibbs said together.
"Be right back." She grinned and left.
Abby picked up her spoon, toying with her soup. "Why me, Gibbs?" she asked softly.
"You..." Gibbs sighed. "I knew you weren't vanilla. I knew you played, and I knew you subbed. It's not hard to see if you know how to look, and you weren't exactly hiding it. And I thought...I had a feeling you'd respond to me. I didn't think it would be anything serious, Abby. Not at first. But when you called me, I knew...and that third time--" He sighed again. "You were mine, Abby. And I wasn't going to let you go."
Gibbs looked at Tony. "And you know why," he said quietly.
Tony nodded.
"I didn't tell you because I couldn't." Gibbs took a sip of coffee and held out his mug for the waitress, waiting until she was gone to continue. "I'd locked that part of my life away, so tightly I almost thought it was a dream. I'd been happy once and it had fallen apart on me. I thought...if I told you..."
"You thought we'd fall apart as well?" Tony asked incredulously. "Why, because you'd been happy before? Give us some credit, Gibbs. Neither of us ever thought we were the first in your bed. We didn't even think we were the first subs in your bed. We wanted you to be happy, Gibbs."
"I didn't say it made sense," Gibbs said, a little testily. "Only that it was how I felt. I wanted to keep you separate from that, as if by not telling you it wouldn't touch you."
"You should have told us," Abby murmured. "You should have let us..."
"I know." Gibbs looked at his untouched food and grimaced. "I can only say I'm sorry so many times, Abby."
"But you left us," Tony broke in.
"I couldn't be what you--"
"Stop that!" Tony's voice was quiet, but carried the force of a whip crack. "Just--did you think that little of us? Did you know us that little, that you thought we needed you to be something to us? Christ, Gibbs, we needed you. We'd have given you anything you wanted, anything you needed, so long as you let us. But you walked out."
"I was afraid," Gibbs said, almost a whisper. "Is that what you wanted to know, Tony?"
"All I wanted to know is why you left," Tony said simply.
"After everything--I wasn't thinking clearly. When the Cape Fear blew up, after that--all I could think was that I'd had enough. I was done. You two had each other, you didn't need one battle-scarred old warhorse with nothing left." Gibbs drained his coffee and picked up his water glass. "I had nothing left, Tony. Not even for myself."
"And you didn't trust us to help," Tony said bitterly.
"Tony, I'd just come out of a coma and regained my memory. How clearly do you want me to have been thinking?" Gibbs said in exasperation.
"I would hope that we'd have come first with you!" Tony snapped. "That you'd have felt enough of a connection to us that you felt you could come to us instead of running off to join your old boss in Mexico! Did you fuck him too, Gibbs?"
Gibbs itched to smack the sneer off Tony's face and only the hurt in Tony's eyes kept him from doing so. "What do you want from me, Tony?" he asked wearily.
"Everything. Nothing." Tony shook his head. "It doesn't matter, Gibbs. You made your choice when you walked out."
"No second chances, is that it?" Gibbs asked.
"Do you honestly think you deserve one?" Tony countered.
"No. But I'm asking anyway."
Tony looked down at his coffee cup, and when he looked back up at Gibbs his eyes were guarded. "You want to know what I want, Gibbs?" he asked with a small, tight smile.
No. Gibbs nodded. "Tell me," he said.
"I want the same honesty from you that we gave you. I want you to surrender to us. I want you to give us that same trust we always gave you. All the games we played, all the scenes, and you never lost that control. I want you to give it up, Gibbs." Tony spoke simply, as if he was suggesting having another cup of coffee. "We never saw you laid bare for us, Gibbs. Maybe that's why you left. I don't know. But if you think I'm going to even think about letting you back in without seeing that honesty from you, you're out of your mind. And just saying you will doesn't cut it. I want to see it."
"Tony--" Abby looked at him with wide eyes. "He walks out for three months and now you want him back in our bed?"
"That's the price," Tony said matter-of-factly. "We've always communicated through sex, Abs. From the first time I showed up at the house until now, we've always talked through sex. If Gibbs wants the chance to try and fix things...that's the price."
Not the price of fixing things. The price of being allowed to try and fix things. Gibbs blew out a breath.
"I need some time to think about it," he said. "That's not a no, that's..." Gibbs shrugged. "What you're asking for is something I've never done before. I need time to think."
Tony nodded. "We're not going anywhere," he said pointedly.
"Abby?" He looked at her, wondering if she had anything else to add.
She stirred her soup. "As weird as it is--Tony's right. You demanded honesty from us, Gibbs, but where was yours?" Abby shook her head. "I can't say it's not kind of hinky to have you show up and then come back into our bed, but...it's conditional. And I think he's right--this might just be the only way we can begin to fix things, if that's even worth it. It's your turn, Gibbs. You've seen both of us laid open for you before--now it's your turn."
Slowly, he nodded. "I have to think about it."
"That's fair. You know our numbers."
He had to smile. "You didn't change them on me?"
"No, although I almost changed the locks." Tony gave Gibbs a cool smile. "Abby talked me out of it."
"I wouldn't have blamed you."
"Not mine." Tony's smile sharpened. "Yours."
"It was either that or break your coffeemaker," Abby added cheerfully. "Neither of which we did--we thought better of it once we sobered up."
"Did you touch the boat?" He wasn't sure whether he wanted them to have done so or not.
"No." Abby shook her head. "Almost, but we were too drunk to actually navigate the stairs to the basement and then we were too hungover to move."
"And then we decided you weren't worth the trouble of destroying your things." Tony smiled again. "We did, however, go through the contents of your liquor cabinet."
On reflection, he was glad they'd stopped at the booze. "Okay." Gibbs nodded and stood. "I'll call you. One way or the other." He reached for his wallet but Tony shook his head.
"I can afford it. After all, I got a promotion. And a raise." His smile didn't reach his eyes; none of them had. "You call us when you're ready, Gibbs."
He nodded--and unable to face either of them any longer, he turned and left.
****************************
"He said he'd be over in half an hour," Abby said, hanging up the phone. She turned to Tony, rubbing her arms. "And from there..." She shrugged.
Tony nodded. "Okay." He blew out a breath. "I didn't think we'd have heard from him for a few days. Not today, at any rate." He sat down on the couch, hands draped loosely between his knees. They'd gone to Abby's after lunch, to recover a bit. It had only been an hour when the phone had rung.
"Yeah. Me either." Abby bit her lip. "Tony--" She took a deep breath. "Tony, I don't think this is a good idea."
"Why?" Tony looked at her. "We said--"
"No, you said." Abby kept her body language quiet; she didn't want to piss him off any more than she probably already had. "I don't think this is the right way to do it, Tony. I don't think forcing him into our bed is what we should be doing."
"Then what do you think we should be doing?" Tony demanded.
"I don't know. But I don't think this is it. Tony, do you honestly think either of us could top him? Especially now? What you're talking about is too close to what Kristen did to you, and you know that's not fair." She met his eyes evenly. "Is it, Tony?"
"It's nothing like what Kristen did to me!" Tony snapped.
"Isn't it?" Abby asked quietly. "Kristen hurt you just to prove she could. Why are you doing this, Tony?"
"It's not the same," Tony insisted. "It's not--how could you even think I'd do that?"
She crossed her arms over her chest tightly. "Tony--do you actually even think you can top him? Ignoring every reason why we're here, and why he's coming over--do you really think you can top him? You're not a switch. Neither is he. And I don't care if he's willing--he doesn't know how to sub, and you--"
Anger flashed in Tony's eyes and he got to his feet, pacing. "Thanks for the vote of confidence, Abs," he said, clearly hurt.
"Tony--" Abby sighed and went to him. "It's nothing to do with that. It's just--you and he had a very clearly defined dynamic, and I just don't know if you can turn that on its head. Especially now." She cupped his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. "I'm sorry, baby," she said softly. "But I don't want to be part of it."
He jerked his head away. "So you're giving up on the three of us?"
"No!" She punched him in the shoulder. "He came back to us, Tony. That's got to count for something. I don't want to give up on the chance that we can make this right. But I just...don't think this is the way to do it."
"I don't have another one." Tony rubbed his shoulder and moved away, sitting down on the couch again. "I don't even know if I want him back."
She sat down next to him, her heart aching. "Yes, you do," she said, kissing his cheek. "You want him back as much as I do, because it takes all three of us to make this work and as much as I love you and as much as you love me, we're not him. And we need him."
Absently, Tony rubbed his collarbone. "Then what do we do?" he asked plaintively.
Abby shook her head. "I don't know."
The knock at the door startled them both. Abby squeezed Tony's knee and rose to answer it, letting Gibbs in without a word. Tony got to his feet and turned to face him, hands behind his back.
Only Abby saw how tightly they were clenched together. "I--Abby and I talked," Tony said. "And--we can't do this."
Abby didn't miss the look of pain that flashed across Gibbs' face, any more than she missed the shuttered look that came down after it. "That's it, then?" Gibbs asked roughly. "No more chances?"
Tony swallowed. "Why can't I hate you?" he whispered.
That Abby hadn't expected. She almost took a step toward him before forcing herself to stay where she was, almost equidistant from both of them. This--this was between them.
"Tony--" Gibbs sounded uncertain.
"I wanted--I want--God, Gibbs, I just wanted to hate you," Tony said, the words spilling over each other. "I just wanted to hate you for what you'd done to us, so I didn't have to think about ever taking you back. I wanted you gone, I wanted even the ghost of your memory gone. I almost quit, you know? I almost turned in my resignation and moved on, but I couldn't. Because you'd done that. And I was going to be damned if I followed in your footsteps on that one. God, Gibbs, I needed you, so badly, and I thought--" He swallowed. "I thought you'd left because of that. Because you couldn't handle how much I needed from you. It's different with Abby, you know? She's your girl, she's always been your girl, even before the two of you were sleeping together. You've always adored her. But me--" Tony shrugged. "I wanted to hate you, and I ended up hating myself, because I couldn't decide if you'd left because of me or if I hadn't even registered enough. And now you're back, and part of me just wants to fall to my knees for you, and the rest of me just wants to hate you enough that I can make you go away." His voice was thick with pain; Abby saw tears on his lashes. "You took me in when you had no reason to," he said, his hands clenched so tightly behind his back his knuckles were white. "And then you cast me out the same way."
"Tony--" Gibbs was around the couch, his hands on Tony's shoulders, before Abby could blink. "Christ, Tony--no. No. It wasn't you. It was never you. I loved you, Tony. I still do. God, if you believe anything, believe that. Believe that I love you." He raised a hand, brushing a tear off Tony's cheek gently. "I had to leave," he said, almost whispering. "I didn't trust myself around you--I didn't know what I wanted, what I was capable of doing. I didn't think--you two had each other, and--"
"We're not you," Tony said brokenly. "We needed you, Gibbs. We needed you."
"I'm so sorry," Gibbs whispered. "Tony, I'm sorry."
"Part of me just wants to--to--" Tony closed his eyes. "I can't just go on my knees for you again, Gibbs. Not--"
"I'm not asking you to." Gibbs took a deep breath. "But will you let me hold you?"
Abby almost held her breath, waiting. Her own hands were twisted together, her rings digging into her skin, and she didn't even notice.
"Yes," Tony breathed.
Gibbs closed his eyes and wrapped his arms tightly around Tony, who made a soft, muffled sound and slowly reached for Gibbs. Tony was trembling, hard enough that Abby could see it; he buried his face in Gibbs' shoulder and held on tight. "Oh, Tony," Gibbs whispered, slowly rubbing Tony's back. "What did I do to you?"
Somehow, they got to the couch, sitting down, and now Abby came and perched on the arm of the couch next to Gibbs. "You broke him," she said softly, reaching out to stroke Tony's hair. "You broke both of us."
Gibbs looked back at her. "Pretty girl," he said as Tony pulled away from him, rubbing his eyes. "Do I have the right?"
Abby swallowed. "Not yet, Gibbs. But--" He held out his arms and she dove into them, falling headlong onto his lap, wrapped tight in his embrace. "If you ever, ever, ever do something like this to us again we will kill you," she said fiercely. "Do you understand?"
"Yes." Gibbs rested his cheek against her hair. "I understand."
"This isn't--we're not yours again, not yet," Tony said huskily. "You haven't earned that yet."
"I know."
Abby pulled back, moving to sit on the arm of the couch. She rubbed her own eyes hard, swallowing. "You can--you can stay here tonight," she said. "If you want."
"Are you sure?" Gibbs looked at her in surprise. "I don't want to rush things, Abby. I want to do this right."
"Just to sleep. I have a spare bed, if we need it. Tony?" She looked over at him.
Slowly, he nodded. "Okay. I think...I think it's a good idea." He smiled a little. "Unlike mine."
"If you're sure." Gibbs looked between both of them.
"We are." Abby reached over Gibbs and squeezed Tony's hand. "Go get your things, Gibbs."
"Okay." Gibbs slipped out from under their hands and stood. "Thank you," he said quietly. "I know I don't deserve this."
Tony smiled a little. "No, you don't. But..." He took a deep breath. "But we love you."
Gibbs held up his right hand, middle and ring fingers tucked in and other three extended. "I'll be back soon," he said before leaving.
Abby looked at Tony. "You okay, baby?" she asked softly.
"I...don't know." Tony closed his eyes. "It's going to take time, Abs."
"Yeah. But I think we're on the way there." She took his hand.
He squeezed gently. "Me too."
Author: rebecca
Pairing: Gibbs/Abby/Tony
Rating: R
Series: Applied Psychology
Summary: He'd done what he always did. He'd fucked it up.
Notes: After I saw Hiatus, I went "Well, hell, there goes Pavlov." Then I decided to fix it. So yes. Massive spoilers for Hiatus.
For skripka and sandersyager.
The sun was just coming up, its light watery and gray-blue through wispy clouds, as he unlocked the door and stepped inside. He dropped his duffle bag and rubbed a tired hand over the stubble on his jaw, stifling a yawn. He needed a shower, and a shave, and about twelve hours' sleep on something that wasn't moving.
But first, he needed to find them.
Gibbs knew it was a futile hope that they'd be upstairs. It had been over three months--thirteen weeks, if he bothered to count--and finding them in his bed--in what had been their bed--was unlikely. Still, he climbed the stairs, running his hand over the smooth silky wood of the banister, and opened the door to the bedroom.
It was empty. More than that, it was bare. The bed was stripped, the closet door hung open and the only thing Gibbs saw in it were a couple of shirts he hadn't bothered to pack. There was a faint layer of dust over everything, as well; whenever they'd packed up and left, they'd done it a while ago. Gibbs gritted his teeth and reminded himself that he couldn't just--well. Anyway.
He stopped in the bathroom and saw nothing there but a bar of Ivory and an upside-down bottle of Abby's shampoo, almost empty, leaning against the side of the shower caddy. "Pretty girl," he whispered, swallowing hard. "Christ, what have I done?"
He'd done what he always did, Gibbs thought on his way back downstairs. He picked up his duffle and stepped outside into the dawn, tossing the bag into the trunk of the rental car. He'd fucked it up.
And he had no idea if they'd let him fix it.
Question was, where to go next? They could be either place--for all he knew, they were sleeping separately, although he doubted it. He'd left them; they wouldn't have left each other.
With a shrug, he headed for Tony's. It was closer, at any rate, and if they weren't there he'd go to Abby's.
On the drive, he tried to figure out what to say, but was no closer now than he'd been when Mike had told him--cordially--to get the hell out and go back to his life.
"You can't hide forever, Gibbs. You're not like me. And you've got something back home, don't you?"
Gibbs took a long pull on his beer. "Not anymore," he said shortly.
"Whose fault is that?" Mike gave him a shrewd look. "Look, Gibbs. You want to come here, do some fishing, not think for a bit, be my guest. You want to come hide from whatever you've got back there, get the fuck out."
"Bastard," Gibbs muttered under his breath. He pulled into Tony's parking garage and found an open spot. And then he shut off the engine and just sat there for a while, trying to get up the ability to go upstairs.
He cursed himself six ways to Sunday for a coward and got out, slamming the door a bit harder than he needed to. As he walked to the elevator, he was so lost in thought that he almost missed seeing Tony's Mustang.
Almost.
The elevator ride took forever; Gibbs stared at the numbers and had no idea what he was going to do. Auto-pilot had him step out and walk down the hall to Tony's apartment. Sheer bravado had him knock.
Then he waited.
It was a minute before he heard muffled sounds behind the door and a little longer before it swung open. "Ziva, next time you--"
Tony's eyes went cold and all emotion drained from his face. Gibbs didn't even see it coming; one second he was standing and the next he was flat on his back, blood on his lip and Tony's knuckles. His jaw throbbed, but when he gingerly ran his tongue around his teeth they were all still there. He pushed himself up with a grunt, getting to his feet and licking the blood away.
"That's the least of what you deserve," Tony snarled at him. "The least."
"I know."
"Get out," Tony said in that same low snarl. "Get the fuck out."
"Tony--" Gibbs swallowed and gritted his teeth. "Tony. Please. Let me--"
"I don't have to let you do anything! You gave up that right, along with every other right you might once have thought you had. Get. Out." He'd gone from cold to hot--he was almost vibrating with anger, barely leashed and reminding Gibbs of a cornered, wounded tiger.
"Tony?" Abby's voice was blurred with sleep. She stepped up behind him, peeking around him. Her hair was mussed from sleep and she wore a black pajama top--the match to the pajama bottoms Tony had on, Gibbs noted absently. "What--" Her face went white. "Gibbs," she whispered.
Tony put his arm around her, cuddling her protectively against his side. "It's okay, Abs. He was just leaving. Weren't you, GIbbs?" Tony's smile reminded Gibbs of nothing so much as a shark.
Tony's anger was bad enough, but the quiet, silent devastation in Abby's eyes--"Pretty girl," Gibbs whispered.
"Don't call me that!"
The crack of her palm against his cheek echoed down the hall.
"Look," Gibbs said, trying for patience. "If you two are going to beat me up, can we do it somewhere less likely to attract attention?"
"Oh, I think we're done," Tony said silkily.
"No," Abby said softly. "Let him in, Tony."
Tony stared at her, surprise written all over his face. "Abs--"
"I want him to tell us why he left. I want him to tell us why he never told us about Shannon and Kelly before. I want him to tell us why he thinks he can come back and walk right back into our lives." She smiled sweetly. "Then I want to kick him out."
Slowly, Tony nodded. "All right." He stepped aside and Gibbs walked into Tony's apartment.
It was much the same as always; huge plasma TV, comfy couch, stacks of DVDs, a wastebasket filled with takeout cartons and paper plates. Gibbs took a seat in the armchair, watching Abby sit on the couch and Tony stand behind it, arms crossed over his chest.
"We're waiting," Tony said after a moment, voice clipped and cold.
Gibbs pressed his lips together and took a deep breath. "When I left--it had been one shock after another for the past two days. Waking up and thinking it was fifteen years ago, reliving the deaths of--of my family, getting my memory back in time to give a warning no one heard, just in time for it to not matter at all--" He shook his head, eyes clouding as he remembered. "I'd gotten my memory back, but part of me was still struggling with the--with--"
"With the family you never told us about," Tony said acidly.
"Yes." Gibbs looked up at him. "Do you want me to apologize for that, Tony?"
"I want to know why you never told us."
Two pairs of green eyes fixed on him and Gibbs closed his own, remembering. Shannon had had eyes like--"I couldn't," he said finally. "After it happened, after--I locked it away. It was just...too painful to remember. No one knew. Not even Ducky. I didn't tell anyone."
"We're not anyone," Abby said softly. "We were your lovers, Gibbs, and we deserved to know."
"I'm sorry." Gibbs looked at her, spreading his hands. "That's all I can say."
"So you just left." Tony looked ready to spit nails. "You didn't talk to us, you didn't say anything. You gave me your badge and your gun and you walked out the door."
"I knew you two would be all right. You had each other. And I--I couldn't be what you wanted. Not--"
"You knew nothing!" Tony exploded, and in one step he was around the couch, hands clenched at his sides. "You knew--fuck, Gibbs, for Christ's sake, you were our lover, our Master--you had everything of us, everything we were and you gave us nothing back! We needed you, we fucking loved you, and you walked out on us! You said you couldn't be what we wanted? Fuck, Gibbs, all you ever had to be with us was yourself! You son of a bitch, did you ever think that maybe trust goes both ways? That we trusted you with our lives, with--you knew what Kristen did to me and I let you anyway and this is what I get in return?"
He lunged forward, but Abby caught him, hands on his shoulders, pressing him back. "C'mon, baby, c'mon, shh, shh, baby, look at me, look at me, c'mon..." She kept murmuring to him, forcing him to look at her. "C'mon, Tony, just breathe for me, baby, that's it, just breathe..."
Tony closed his eyes and dropped his forehead against Abby's, breathing hard. She ran her nails through his hair and down his neck, petting him, still murmuring to him, coaxing him to come down a bit. "Go make some coffee, okay, baby?" she asked, kissing his forehead.
"Okay." Tony's voice was hoarse and he pulled away slowly, walking into the kitchen without a glance at Gibbs.
"Does that happen often?" Gibbs asked quietly.
"Do you really care?" Abby snapped.
"Abby...please. Tell me." Gibbs had seen Tony lose his temper before. He'd seen Tony upset. But there'd been no control in what he'd just seen--nothing held back, and Gibbs had a feeling that if Abby hadn't been there, it would have gotten very ugly very quickly.
She folded her arms over her chest. "Two weeks ago, Tony was suspended for five days for unnecessarily roughing up a suspect while in custody," she said coolly. "It was a bad case--guy kidnapped his wife and their six-year-old daughter. When we caught him, the daughter was dead. The mother's in a coma. By the time anyone managed to pull Tony off the guy, he had a fractured jaw and three broken ribs." Abby raised an eyebrow. "Is this what you wanted to know, Gibbs? You were always the one who could hold him back. You were always the one he looked up to. He held it under control because of you, and now he's got nothing. I'm the only one who can calm him down and it's getting harder and harder to do. Madame Director wants him to step down as team leader, and if he doesn't, she's probably going to make him soon."
"Abby--it wasn't that i didn't trust you." Gibbs swallowed. "It was just too painful. I pretended it had never happened."
"No lies, Gibbs. Remember? You told us that? We had to be honest with you. Did you think that didn't apply to yourself?" Abby tilted her head to the side. "When did we ever give you the impression that we'd leave you if we found out you'd once had a wife and a daughter? When did we ever make you think we wanted you to be something to us?" She shook her head. "We wanted you, Gibbs. We needed you. And you abandoned us."
"You didn't need me," Gibbs said quietly. "You--"
"Don't you ever tell me what I do and do not need," Abby hissed. "We needed you, Gibbs. You were our center. You were our Master, the one who held us together, and did you think we'd have cared if you needed us to take care of you? We'd done it before, Gibbs--it goes both ways, remember? We needed you--you held us and you gave us what we needed, what we wanted--did you think Tony didn't need you? Did you honestly think he didn't need you just because he had me, too? It took three of us. It took all three of us to make it work and Tony and I can't do it without you and--" Tears were rolling down her face and she hiccupped, rubbing them away. "We thought you'd come back, at first," she went on steadily. "We slept at the house, we kept your coffee and we made sure the boat was ready for you. After a week...we just couldn't do it anymore, we couldn't keep pretending. So we left."
"You've been staying here since then?" Gibbs asked, dying a little inside. He wanted to hold her and kiss her tears away, and he knew she'd claw his eyes out if he tried.
"His place, my place, doesn't matter." Abby shrugged and dropped onto the couch.
Tony came back in, carrying two mugs. He handed one to Abby and sat down next to her, setting the other on a coaster on his dining room table. No one said anything for a long moment; Abby looked at her coffee, Tony looked at the floor, and Gibbs looked anywhere but at them.
"What do you want, Gibbs?" Tony asked finally.
"I want to fix this," Gibbs said quietly. He looked up, meeting Tony's eyes. "I hurt you both, badly, and...I never, ever meant...I wasn't thinking. I was recovering from a pretty severe injury, and--it doesn't matter. I hurt you both, and that's what matters."
"I don't know if you can fix this," Abby whispered. "You walked out on us. Are we supposed to forgive you for that? Just snap our fingers and everything's fine?"
"No. I know we can't do that." Gibbs' throat was dry and he wished, fervently, for coffee. "But I want to try and make this better."
"You can't," Tony said curtly. "You lost your chance."
Abby set her coffee mug down. "Tell us about them," she said quietly. "Tell us about Shannon and Kelly."
"What good--" GIbbs shut up. He didn't have the right to protest. Not now.
"We've shared everything with you, Gibbs. If you want to make this better--if you want to fix this--it's time to return the favor." Abby looked at him levelly, her eyes dry and her face calm. "Tell us about them, Gibbs, and then we'll see."
"Abby--no!" Tony stood, looking down at her. "No. He doesn't--why the fuck should we listen? We didn't matter enough to him for him to tell us in the first place, why the hell should we listen now? He gave up whatever rights he had to us. Why the hell should we even listen, let alone give him a second chance?"
"And you never screwed up?" she countered.
"I never walked out on my partners for three fucking months!" Tony shouted. "If he was that upset, he should have come to us, Abs. Not just gone running to his old boss. We were the ones he was living with, the ones he slept with. We were the ones he should have come to. Not Franks. And he just walked out on us! Fuck it, Abs. If you want to listen to some sob story, that's on your head. I'm not--no."
"Tony--" Gibbs said, a little hesitantly.
"Fuck you." Tony spun and stalked into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. Abby bit her lip, looking at the door worriedly. An uncomfortable silence spread through the living room and when the door slammed open again Abby jumped.
Tony had changed into running gear and even a quick look at him revealed something Gibbs hadn't seen--or hadn't wanted to see--before. Tony had lost weight; shorts that would have fit snugly two months before were now loose and the same was true of his T-shirt. There were hollows under his eyes, hollows matched by the shadows under Abby's, now that he'd actually looked.
"Tony, don't," Abby said, getting up from the couch. "C'mon, baby. Please."
"Don't 'baby' me," Tony warned her. "You want to sit here and listen to stories we should have known months ago, that's up to you. I don't want to be anywhere near him right now."
She bit her lip again, a nervous gesture Gibbs hadn't seen before. "What if he left? What if we met later?"
"There's no--"
"Tony." Abby rested a hand on his arm, forcing him to meet her eyes. "Whether you like it or not, this isn't over between the three of us. Not yet. If you keep running, it never will be." She swallowed, but her voice was steady. "You ran from Philly, Tony. You ran from us until we made you stay. Stop running for once, Tony. Just...just stop it."
He flinched. "That's not fair," he said hoarsely.
"I don't care."
Tony's free hand clenched into a fist and his jaw tightened. "Don't push it, Abby," he said, voice low. "Because I've had enough."
"If we met later?" Abby pressed. "Someplace neutral?"
"Sanderson's. One o'clock." Tony glared at her. "Is that good enough for you?"
She nodded and looked at Gibbs. He nodded silently.
"Fine." Tony blew out a breath. "I'm going running," he said brusquely. "I don't want to see you here when I get back."
With that, he left, the door not-quite-slamming behind him.
Gibbs thought wryly that Tony always did know how to make an exit. "I'll see you there," he said, standing. Abby nodded silently.
At the door, he hesitated, looking back at Abby. She had her arms wrapped around her stomach and was looking down, hair hanging over her face. "Just go, Gibbs," she said wearily. "Just...just go."
He didn't want to. But he left.
Question was, where was he going to go? He couldn't face the house again. Not the way it was, bare and empty and full of memories. Ducky would take him in, no questions asked, but Gibbs wasn't up to dealing with Mrs. Mallard and her corgis.
The irony of checking into a hotel didn't escape him, but he signed the credit card slip and took the stairs to the third floor. The water pressure was adequate, the water hot, and after a decadently long time under the spray he almost felt human again.
Gibbs drained the last of the coffee he'd picked up on his way to the hotel and sprawled out on the bed, wearing nothing more than a towel. He closed his eyes, intending to nap for a few minutes.
When he opened them again, it was noon and he'd pulled himself out of a dream where Tony was in his arms, moving and twisting against him, hair damp with sweat and head fallen back in pleasure. Gibbs' hands ached with the sense memory of Tony's body and he swore before going to run them under cold water.
Sanderson's wasn't too far from the hotel; close enough that he decided to walk. He pulled on jeans and a blue shirt, fastened his watch--the one they'd given him for his birthday--and ran a brush through his hair before heading out the door.
It was sunny and breezy, which surprised him; he'd almost expected it to be cloudy and gloomy in reflection of everything else. But the weather never did cooperate.
He got to Sanderson's about five minutes to one and gave his name to the host, saying that he was meeting a man and a woman. The host nodded and showed him on back to a secluded booth, with Tony and Abby sitting on one side of it. She wore black cargo pants and a black T-shirt with a skull on it and he wore jeans and a faded green T-shirt. Neither of them looked all that well rested; there was a cup of coffee in front of Tony and a soda in front of Abby.
"Something to drink?" the waitress asked perkily.
"Coffee," Gibbs said, a little surprised at how rusty his voice was.
"You got it." She headed off to get the pot and Gibbs looked at his hands, then at Tony and Abby. Tony sat on the outside of the booth, eyes scanning the room restlessly.
Cop's eyes.
"So," Abby said, toying with her straw. "We gonna actually try and talk or are we gonna sit here and pretend to eat?"
The waitress returned with Gibbs' coffee. "You folks need another minute to decide?" she asked.
Tony shook his head. "Mushroom Swiss burger, medium," he said.
"Got it. And for you?" she asked, turning to Abby.
"I'll have a cup of the chicken tortilla soup and the chicken Caesar wrap." Abby put her menu on top of Tony's.
"And you, sir?"
Gibbs looked briefly at the menu. "Bacon cheeseburger, medium rare. Pepper jack cheese."
"No problem." The waitress gathered up their menus and grinned. "I'll go put that right in for you." She left
"Apparently we're gonna pretend to eat, at least," Abby commented. "What about the rest?"
"You're the one who wanted this meeting," Tony reminded her. "You talk."
"I'm not the one who needs to," she said quietly. "Tony, come on. Please."
Tony sighed. "Okay. Whatever. Fine. Talk."
"Tell us about them," Abby said quietly. "Tell us about Shannon and Kelly."
Pain ripped through him at the sound of their names. Fifteen years ago and it was yesterday and he couldn't do this, but he saw the pain and determination in Abby's eyes and the hurt and anger in Tony's. He took a deep breath, and a swallow of coffee, and nodded.
"The two happiest moments in my life were the day I married Shannon and the first time I held Kelly in my arms," Gibbs said quietly. "Shannon--she was beautiful, an Irish redhead, and the moment I saw her I fell for her. She was young when we got married--she was only twenty-one--but it didn't matter. She and I...when she told me she was pregnant, we didn't know how we were going to afford a baby but we didn't care about that, either. The baby--it was ours, our baby, and we were a family. I loved her so much--" He stopped, taking a swallow of coffee. "It was a hard labor," he said, remembering. "Shannon was slender, and there were some problems, and they thought they might have to do a C-section, but in the end Kelly came out screaming, and Shannon started laughing, and when they gave me Kelly to hold..." Gibbs closed his eyes against the futile tears. "I didn't think I could ever love something so much," he whispered.
Abby took a drink of soda, lashes lowered. Gibbs couldn't see her face and he couldn't read Tony's. But he kept on.
"We were happy. The three of us--Shannon and I talked about having another baby, but money was tight. We tried anyway, but she...she miscarried twice. Once at three months, once at two, and after that the doctor said it was unlikely she'd ever be able to carry another child to term. She was devastated--she wanted more children, but...I told her it didn't matter to me. She and Kelly were all I needed to be happy. All I wanted." Gibbs swallowed hard and shook his head. "I went to Iraq, Desert Storm, and I was supposed to be the one in trouble, the one who needed to stay safe, and they were the ones who needed protecting."
His fingers tightened around his mug. He wanted to get up, to pace, but he had to sit here and tell them. "They needed me, and I wasn't there," he said, hearing the grief in his voice and not caring. "They--" Gibbs shook his head again. "I went a little insane. I went after the bastard who killed them. I had to. It was all I had left, and it wasn't enough." He rubbed a hand over his face. "Nothing was enough. Nothing was going to bring them back. And if I was going to move on with my life, I had to lock it away. Pretend I'd never been married, never been a f-father--" His voice trembled on the word and he cursed himself for a fool. "I tried to replace them. Barbara, Diane, Christine--it didn't matter, because no one was Shannon and no one was going to be Shannon."
Gibbs picked up his mug and took a drink of coffee. "Shannon and I had played a little," he said, looking down again. "Not much. Handcuffs, spanking--nothing much more than that. I didn't want to hurt her, not like that. I didn't know, then." He shrugged. "After they died...I went looking for more. I wanted a way to exorcise it. I learned more, and somewhere along the way I found out that I liked the game for the sake of the game. But no one else was interested to the same level that I was, and I could only play vanilla for so long."
He looked up. "And then there was you," he said to Abby.
Tears shone in her eyes; one glittered on her lashes. She didn't say anything, and next to her Tony was looking down at his hands. Gibbs couldn't even see his face, let alone read him.
The waitress chose that moment to arrive with their food, setting the plates down efficiently. "You folks need anything else?" she asked.
"More coffee," Tony and Gibbs said together.
"Be right back." She grinned and left.
Abby picked up her spoon, toying with her soup. "Why me, Gibbs?" she asked softly.
"You..." Gibbs sighed. "I knew you weren't vanilla. I knew you played, and I knew you subbed. It's not hard to see if you know how to look, and you weren't exactly hiding it. And I thought...I had a feeling you'd respond to me. I didn't think it would be anything serious, Abby. Not at first. But when you called me, I knew...and that third time--" He sighed again. "You were mine, Abby. And I wasn't going to let you go."
Gibbs looked at Tony. "And you know why," he said quietly.
Tony nodded.
"I didn't tell you because I couldn't." Gibbs took a sip of coffee and held out his mug for the waitress, waiting until she was gone to continue. "I'd locked that part of my life away, so tightly I almost thought it was a dream. I'd been happy once and it had fallen apart on me. I thought...if I told you..."
"You thought we'd fall apart as well?" Tony asked incredulously. "Why, because you'd been happy before? Give us some credit, Gibbs. Neither of us ever thought we were the first in your bed. We didn't even think we were the first subs in your bed. We wanted you to be happy, Gibbs."
"I didn't say it made sense," Gibbs said, a little testily. "Only that it was how I felt. I wanted to keep you separate from that, as if by not telling you it wouldn't touch you."
"You should have told us," Abby murmured. "You should have let us..."
"I know." Gibbs looked at his untouched food and grimaced. "I can only say I'm sorry so many times, Abby."
"But you left us," Tony broke in.
"I couldn't be what you--"
"Stop that!" Tony's voice was quiet, but carried the force of a whip crack. "Just--did you think that little of us? Did you know us that little, that you thought we needed you to be something to us? Christ, Gibbs, we needed you. We'd have given you anything you wanted, anything you needed, so long as you let us. But you walked out."
"I was afraid," Gibbs said, almost a whisper. "Is that what you wanted to know, Tony?"
"All I wanted to know is why you left," Tony said simply.
"After everything--I wasn't thinking clearly. When the Cape Fear blew up, after that--all I could think was that I'd had enough. I was done. You two had each other, you didn't need one battle-scarred old warhorse with nothing left." Gibbs drained his coffee and picked up his water glass. "I had nothing left, Tony. Not even for myself."
"And you didn't trust us to help," Tony said bitterly.
"Tony, I'd just come out of a coma and regained my memory. How clearly do you want me to have been thinking?" Gibbs said in exasperation.
"I would hope that we'd have come first with you!" Tony snapped. "That you'd have felt enough of a connection to us that you felt you could come to us instead of running off to join your old boss in Mexico! Did you fuck him too, Gibbs?"
Gibbs itched to smack the sneer off Tony's face and only the hurt in Tony's eyes kept him from doing so. "What do you want from me, Tony?" he asked wearily.
"Everything. Nothing." Tony shook his head. "It doesn't matter, Gibbs. You made your choice when you walked out."
"No second chances, is that it?" Gibbs asked.
"Do you honestly think you deserve one?" Tony countered.
"No. But I'm asking anyway."
Tony looked down at his coffee cup, and when he looked back up at Gibbs his eyes were guarded. "You want to know what I want, Gibbs?" he asked with a small, tight smile.
No. Gibbs nodded. "Tell me," he said.
"I want the same honesty from you that we gave you. I want you to surrender to us. I want you to give us that same trust we always gave you. All the games we played, all the scenes, and you never lost that control. I want you to give it up, Gibbs." Tony spoke simply, as if he was suggesting having another cup of coffee. "We never saw you laid bare for us, Gibbs. Maybe that's why you left. I don't know. But if you think I'm going to even think about letting you back in without seeing that honesty from you, you're out of your mind. And just saying you will doesn't cut it. I want to see it."
"Tony--" Abby looked at him with wide eyes. "He walks out for three months and now you want him back in our bed?"
"That's the price," Tony said matter-of-factly. "We've always communicated through sex, Abs. From the first time I showed up at the house until now, we've always talked through sex. If Gibbs wants the chance to try and fix things...that's the price."
Not the price of fixing things. The price of being allowed to try and fix things. Gibbs blew out a breath.
"I need some time to think about it," he said. "That's not a no, that's..." Gibbs shrugged. "What you're asking for is something I've never done before. I need time to think."
Tony nodded. "We're not going anywhere," he said pointedly.
"Abby?" He looked at her, wondering if she had anything else to add.
She stirred her soup. "As weird as it is--Tony's right. You demanded honesty from us, Gibbs, but where was yours?" Abby shook her head. "I can't say it's not kind of hinky to have you show up and then come back into our bed, but...it's conditional. And I think he's right--this might just be the only way we can begin to fix things, if that's even worth it. It's your turn, Gibbs. You've seen both of us laid open for you before--now it's your turn."
Slowly, he nodded. "I have to think about it."
"That's fair. You know our numbers."
He had to smile. "You didn't change them on me?"
"No, although I almost changed the locks." Tony gave Gibbs a cool smile. "Abby talked me out of it."
"I wouldn't have blamed you."
"Not mine." Tony's smile sharpened. "Yours."
"It was either that or break your coffeemaker," Abby added cheerfully. "Neither of which we did--we thought better of it once we sobered up."
"Did you touch the boat?" He wasn't sure whether he wanted them to have done so or not.
"No." Abby shook her head. "Almost, but we were too drunk to actually navigate the stairs to the basement and then we were too hungover to move."
"And then we decided you weren't worth the trouble of destroying your things." Tony smiled again. "We did, however, go through the contents of your liquor cabinet."
On reflection, he was glad they'd stopped at the booze. "Okay." Gibbs nodded and stood. "I'll call you. One way or the other." He reached for his wallet but Tony shook his head.
"I can afford it. After all, I got a promotion. And a raise." His smile didn't reach his eyes; none of them had. "You call us when you're ready, Gibbs."
He nodded--and unable to face either of them any longer, he turned and left.
****************************
"He said he'd be over in half an hour," Abby said, hanging up the phone. She turned to Tony, rubbing her arms. "And from there..." She shrugged.
Tony nodded. "Okay." He blew out a breath. "I didn't think we'd have heard from him for a few days. Not today, at any rate." He sat down on the couch, hands draped loosely between his knees. They'd gone to Abby's after lunch, to recover a bit. It had only been an hour when the phone had rung.
"Yeah. Me either." Abby bit her lip. "Tony--" She took a deep breath. "Tony, I don't think this is a good idea."
"Why?" Tony looked at her. "We said--"
"No, you said." Abby kept her body language quiet; she didn't want to piss him off any more than she probably already had. "I don't think this is the right way to do it, Tony. I don't think forcing him into our bed is what we should be doing."
"Then what do you think we should be doing?" Tony demanded.
"I don't know. But I don't think this is it. Tony, do you honestly think either of us could top him? Especially now? What you're talking about is too close to what Kristen did to you, and you know that's not fair." She met his eyes evenly. "Is it, Tony?"
"It's nothing like what Kristen did to me!" Tony snapped.
"Isn't it?" Abby asked quietly. "Kristen hurt you just to prove she could. Why are you doing this, Tony?"
"It's not the same," Tony insisted. "It's not--how could you even think I'd do that?"
She crossed her arms over her chest tightly. "Tony--do you actually even think you can top him? Ignoring every reason why we're here, and why he's coming over--do you really think you can top him? You're not a switch. Neither is he. And I don't care if he's willing--he doesn't know how to sub, and you--"
Anger flashed in Tony's eyes and he got to his feet, pacing. "Thanks for the vote of confidence, Abs," he said, clearly hurt.
"Tony--" Abby sighed and went to him. "It's nothing to do with that. It's just--you and he had a very clearly defined dynamic, and I just don't know if you can turn that on its head. Especially now." She cupped his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. "I'm sorry, baby," she said softly. "But I don't want to be part of it."
He jerked his head away. "So you're giving up on the three of us?"
"No!" She punched him in the shoulder. "He came back to us, Tony. That's got to count for something. I don't want to give up on the chance that we can make this right. But I just...don't think this is the way to do it."
"I don't have another one." Tony rubbed his shoulder and moved away, sitting down on the couch again. "I don't even know if I want him back."
She sat down next to him, her heart aching. "Yes, you do," she said, kissing his cheek. "You want him back as much as I do, because it takes all three of us to make this work and as much as I love you and as much as you love me, we're not him. And we need him."
Absently, Tony rubbed his collarbone. "Then what do we do?" he asked plaintively.
Abby shook her head. "I don't know."
The knock at the door startled them both. Abby squeezed Tony's knee and rose to answer it, letting Gibbs in without a word. Tony got to his feet and turned to face him, hands behind his back.
Only Abby saw how tightly they were clenched together. "I--Abby and I talked," Tony said. "And--we can't do this."
Abby didn't miss the look of pain that flashed across Gibbs' face, any more than she missed the shuttered look that came down after it. "That's it, then?" Gibbs asked roughly. "No more chances?"
Tony swallowed. "Why can't I hate you?" he whispered.
That Abby hadn't expected. She almost took a step toward him before forcing herself to stay where she was, almost equidistant from both of them. This--this was between them.
"Tony--" Gibbs sounded uncertain.
"I wanted--I want--God, Gibbs, I just wanted to hate you," Tony said, the words spilling over each other. "I just wanted to hate you for what you'd done to us, so I didn't have to think about ever taking you back. I wanted you gone, I wanted even the ghost of your memory gone. I almost quit, you know? I almost turned in my resignation and moved on, but I couldn't. Because you'd done that. And I was going to be damned if I followed in your footsteps on that one. God, Gibbs, I needed you, so badly, and I thought--" He swallowed. "I thought you'd left because of that. Because you couldn't handle how much I needed from you. It's different with Abby, you know? She's your girl, she's always been your girl, even before the two of you were sleeping together. You've always adored her. But me--" Tony shrugged. "I wanted to hate you, and I ended up hating myself, because I couldn't decide if you'd left because of me or if I hadn't even registered enough. And now you're back, and part of me just wants to fall to my knees for you, and the rest of me just wants to hate you enough that I can make you go away." His voice was thick with pain; Abby saw tears on his lashes. "You took me in when you had no reason to," he said, his hands clenched so tightly behind his back his knuckles were white. "And then you cast me out the same way."
"Tony--" Gibbs was around the couch, his hands on Tony's shoulders, before Abby could blink. "Christ, Tony--no. No. It wasn't you. It was never you. I loved you, Tony. I still do. God, if you believe anything, believe that. Believe that I love you." He raised a hand, brushing a tear off Tony's cheek gently. "I had to leave," he said, almost whispering. "I didn't trust myself around you--I didn't know what I wanted, what I was capable of doing. I didn't think--you two had each other, and--"
"We're not you," Tony said brokenly. "We needed you, Gibbs. We needed you."
"I'm so sorry," Gibbs whispered. "Tony, I'm sorry."
"Part of me just wants to--to--" Tony closed his eyes. "I can't just go on my knees for you again, Gibbs. Not--"
"I'm not asking you to." Gibbs took a deep breath. "But will you let me hold you?"
Abby almost held her breath, waiting. Her own hands were twisted together, her rings digging into her skin, and she didn't even notice.
"Yes," Tony breathed.
Gibbs closed his eyes and wrapped his arms tightly around Tony, who made a soft, muffled sound and slowly reached for Gibbs. Tony was trembling, hard enough that Abby could see it; he buried his face in Gibbs' shoulder and held on tight. "Oh, Tony," Gibbs whispered, slowly rubbing Tony's back. "What did I do to you?"
Somehow, they got to the couch, sitting down, and now Abby came and perched on the arm of the couch next to Gibbs. "You broke him," she said softly, reaching out to stroke Tony's hair. "You broke both of us."
Gibbs looked back at her. "Pretty girl," he said as Tony pulled away from him, rubbing his eyes. "Do I have the right?"
Abby swallowed. "Not yet, Gibbs. But--" He held out his arms and she dove into them, falling headlong onto his lap, wrapped tight in his embrace. "If you ever, ever, ever do something like this to us again we will kill you," she said fiercely. "Do you understand?"
"Yes." Gibbs rested his cheek against her hair. "I understand."
"This isn't--we're not yours again, not yet," Tony said huskily. "You haven't earned that yet."
"I know."
Abby pulled back, moving to sit on the arm of the couch. She rubbed her own eyes hard, swallowing. "You can--you can stay here tonight," she said. "If you want."
"Are you sure?" Gibbs looked at her in surprise. "I don't want to rush things, Abby. I want to do this right."
"Just to sleep. I have a spare bed, if we need it. Tony?" She looked over at him.
Slowly, he nodded. "Okay. I think...I think it's a good idea." He smiled a little. "Unlike mine."
"If you're sure." Gibbs looked between both of them.
"We are." Abby reached over Gibbs and squeezed Tony's hand. "Go get your things, Gibbs."
"Okay." Gibbs slipped out from under their hands and stood. "Thank you," he said quietly. "I know I don't deserve this."
Tony smiled a little. "No, you don't. But..." He took a deep breath. "But we love you."
Gibbs held up his right hand, middle and ring fingers tucked in and other three extended. "I'll be back soon," he said before leaving.
Abby looked at Tony. "You okay, baby?" she asked softly.
"I...don't know." Tony closed his eyes. "It's going to take time, Abs."
"Yeah. But I think we're on the way there." She took his hand.
He squeezed gently. "Me too."