we're in this together now
i took a few steps towards accepting reality. it was a bit of a shock to realize that i had been spending the last 23 years of my life in a constant state of denial.
i mean, i felt like things were real. i think i responded accordingly. i remember lots of approving looks and nods to the words coming from my mouth. the expressions on my face didnt produce confused looks in return.
... i think.
5. knee deep in snow having to struggle half a mile with little sister in tow... just trying to find home. wondering where all the adults have gone. this is what abandonment feels like.
7. forced onto the ground in a wooded area. and then again in the family den. and then again in my own room. no safe places. only sharp edges and the hope that my pillow might suffocate me this time.
9. realizing how fat i had become. how boys loved to laugh. how girls loved to say no. no i will not be your friend. how the 15 year old boy down the street would love to be my friend... at least this time there were endless bowls of snacks afterwards.
11 father? dad... daddy? mark. should i call you mark? you couldnt look me in the eye. couldnt hold my hand. and when i begged you to hold me you looked at me as if you were terrified. why doesnt he love me? am i really that disgusting? im still the little girl you carried around on your shoulders and sang to sleep!
13. she loved me loved me loved me. she laid beside me and loved me. and when i whispered to someone else she turned and told everyone. and then they hated me hated me hated me. only one solution. first year of medicated bliss and me floating outside myself.
(hiding hiding hiding. they all come out eventually.)
when i sit and really try to remember being 15... nothing.
nothing comes to me.
there were people. lots of colorful wonderful people. faces that i continue to see. but for the life of me i can't remember how i know these people. how did we meet? what did i say or do to make them gravitate towards me? one bright light among them all. one small ghost that carried my soul for years to come.
16. i was 16 once. that year has to be omitted immediately. another year heavily medicated but this time strapped down to a cot. that part i remember. i have permanent marks to remind me. did anyone notice when i disappeared?
school. scenes with blurry frames. knowing i spent time with people... who were these mystery friends?
17. crying in front of crowds. god, i could never keep myself from looking like a blithering idiot... or weak. i was so weak. it took more energy to stand in one place for longer than a minute than to laugh like i knew what the joke was about. did anyone notice how empty my eyes looked? probably not. i couldnt keep them fixed beyond ground level much.
18. hands. arms. tightening around me. they made me feel as if they cared. laughing, smiling cheshire cat grins and speaking languages i couldnt understand. thats the tongue happy people talk in. they dont see you when you keep your hair in your face. first impressions were not kind.
and i fled. across the country. away from the familiar streets. the same four walls that held me.
19. its the voodoo that you do, baby. you make me wish i wasnt a married man. you're the only one that understands me. just once. just once. i'll do you right. i'll give you everything you've been dreaming of. im your knight in shining armor, dollface . you're beautiful.
i love you.
different planet. different race of men. kid in a candy store. and i was POWERFUL.
20- 3, 2, 1. they surround me. in bed. on the phone. in the car. always with one. always one thinking they were the only. giddy secrets. balancing act and a tower of cards about to fall.
and then he came crashing in.
took a chance and left it all behind. made a clean break. didnt mean to fall in love.
but it happened.
... and here i am.
3 years later and he's all i can remember. he knelt to the little girl in the snow and led her home to her mother's arms. he rescued her from the boy in the woods. he patted her on the head and offered to play a game instead of making her do nasty things just for a little company. he loved the confused teenaged girl without shame. told her she was ok. took the pills away and unfastened the restraints. took her hand and assured her that not everyone was staring. spoke in a language she could understand. gave her the control she needed without hurting her or expecting anything in return. made her feel beautiful. made her feel like a normal person. a person who could step outside and hold her head up in public.
he cleared the fog. woke me from my dreaming. and when i hold his hand i see the world. i see all the bad. i see all the good. i FEEL. i hear what people say. i control my actions instead of just reacting blindly. i smile because i am happy.
i laugh because i get the joke the first time.
this is my life.
this is me.
i mean, i felt like things were real. i think i responded accordingly. i remember lots of approving looks and nods to the words coming from my mouth. the expressions on my face didnt produce confused looks in return.
... i think.
5. knee deep in snow having to struggle half a mile with little sister in tow... just trying to find home. wondering where all the adults have gone. this is what abandonment feels like.
7. forced onto the ground in a wooded area. and then again in the family den. and then again in my own room. no safe places. only sharp edges and the hope that my pillow might suffocate me this time.
9. realizing how fat i had become. how boys loved to laugh. how girls loved to say no. no i will not be your friend. how the 15 year old boy down the street would love to be my friend... at least this time there were endless bowls of snacks afterwards.
11 father? dad... daddy? mark. should i call you mark? you couldnt look me in the eye. couldnt hold my hand. and when i begged you to hold me you looked at me as if you were terrified. why doesnt he love me? am i really that disgusting? im still the little girl you carried around on your shoulders and sang to sleep!
13. she loved me loved me loved me. she laid beside me and loved me. and when i whispered to someone else she turned and told everyone. and then they hated me hated me hated me. only one solution. first year of medicated bliss and me floating outside myself.
(hiding hiding hiding. they all come out eventually.)
when i sit and really try to remember being 15... nothing.
nothing comes to me.
there were people. lots of colorful wonderful people. faces that i continue to see. but for the life of me i can't remember how i know these people. how did we meet? what did i say or do to make them gravitate towards me? one bright light among them all. one small ghost that carried my soul for years to come.
16. i was 16 once. that year has to be omitted immediately. another year heavily medicated but this time strapped down to a cot. that part i remember. i have permanent marks to remind me. did anyone notice when i disappeared?
school. scenes with blurry frames. knowing i spent time with people... who were these mystery friends?
17. crying in front of crowds. god, i could never keep myself from looking like a blithering idiot... or weak. i was so weak. it took more energy to stand in one place for longer than a minute than to laugh like i knew what the joke was about. did anyone notice how empty my eyes looked? probably not. i couldnt keep them fixed beyond ground level much.
18. hands. arms. tightening around me. they made me feel as if they cared. laughing, smiling cheshire cat grins and speaking languages i couldnt understand. thats the tongue happy people talk in. they dont see you when you keep your hair in your face. first impressions were not kind.
and i fled. across the country. away from the familiar streets. the same four walls that held me.
19. its the voodoo that you do, baby. you make me wish i wasnt a married man. you're the only one that understands me. just once. just once. i'll do you right. i'll give you everything you've been dreaming of. im your knight in shining armor, dollface . you're beautiful.
i love you.
different planet. different race of men. kid in a candy store. and i was POWERFUL.
20- 3, 2, 1. they surround me. in bed. on the phone. in the car. always with one. always one thinking they were the only. giddy secrets. balancing act and a tower of cards about to fall.
and then he came crashing in.
took a chance and left it all behind. made a clean break. didnt mean to fall in love.
but it happened.
... and here i am.
3 years later and he's all i can remember. he knelt to the little girl in the snow and led her home to her mother's arms. he rescued her from the boy in the woods. he patted her on the head and offered to play a game instead of making her do nasty things just for a little company. he loved the confused teenaged girl without shame. told her she was ok. took the pills away and unfastened the restraints. took her hand and assured her that not everyone was staring. spoke in a language she could understand. gave her the control she needed without hurting her or expecting anything in return. made her feel beautiful. made her feel like a normal person. a person who could step outside and hold her head up in public.
he cleared the fog. woke me from my dreaming. and when i hold his hand i see the world. i see all the bad. i see all the good. i FEEL. i hear what people say. i control my actions instead of just reacting blindly. i smile because i am happy.
i laugh because i get the joke the first time.
this is my life.
this is me.