please, universe, stop sending me mental cases (or at least help me better screen)
Wednesday night B and I went to the High Line and then dinner. During dinner we got into some really personal, heavy, and revealing conversation. The kind of things you don't tell just anyone, and feel super freaked out sharing. Relationship stuff came up too, but it was easily shadowed by all our deep dark matter.
Thursday I texted him something to the effect of: "Thank you for trusting me with that information. I will never betray that trust." Even though I think we were both spooked about the sharing, he asked me out for Saturday (today)--nothing big, just cooking at my place. I agreed and was looking forward to a quiet night in.
He called about an hour ago to cancel. Essentially, despite stumbling into something special with me, he doesn't want a relationship and is really sorry and had no intention to hurt me/lead me on/bla bla. He wants some more single time since he was in an LTR. He just wants to go to Burning Man, do drugs, and act like an idiot. "You can't do that and see me too?" I asked. Apparently not. He feels we got too close too fast and fell into what seems to be a relationship. Yeah ditto, but I don't perceive this as a bad thing. I also get the impression that this is a preemptive strike, since I previously indicated I'm not keen on monogamy or a conventional relationship (not that--I thought--he was either, considering his past relationships and the fact that we met at a make-out party).
This is all very shitty for me, considering that we both have the resources to build a relationship that accommodates our wants and needs. We didn't even have that conversation though. I'm not sure how you break up with someone who's not your significant other, but here it is happening to me.
He also says he feels really weird about revealing everything he did on Wednesday--that's stuff he doesn't tell anyone. THIS. This is the core of it, I think, so I say that maybe this is why he's pulling back. He agrees, somewhat. I can't help but wonder how much I'm being rejected for my personal damage, but I stifle that question.
When I can get a few more words in--he's babbling, excusing and making a mess of it--I say that I understand his thoughts and fears (some are my own), but not his actions--they just don't align. I feel punished and discarded. "You know, sometimes the answer is in the question. If this is how you react to someone who you connected with and is decent and good and worthy of your trust, then I absolutely don't need to be with you, because you'll hurt me again and again."
He's not healthy, and if he's not healthy, he's not good for me. Self-sabotage rarely hurts only the saboteur. I'm wounded, but mainly I pity him. What a sad place to be. Maybe he'll come back around (luckily, he's already in therapy), and maybe he won't. He offered to return a book I loaned him, but next week is too soon.
Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.
EDIT: Just ran all this by Celeste and she said I needed to write down this quotable Kate: "It's hard to understand what crazy people are talking about." Word.
Thursday I texted him something to the effect of: "Thank you for trusting me with that information. I will never betray that trust." Even though I think we were both spooked about the sharing, he asked me out for Saturday (today)--nothing big, just cooking at my place. I agreed and was looking forward to a quiet night in.
He called about an hour ago to cancel. Essentially, despite stumbling into something special with me, he doesn't want a relationship and is really sorry and had no intention to hurt me/lead me on/bla bla. He wants some more single time since he was in an LTR. He just wants to go to Burning Man, do drugs, and act like an idiot. "You can't do that and see me too?" I asked. Apparently not. He feels we got too close too fast and fell into what seems to be a relationship. Yeah ditto, but I don't perceive this as a bad thing. I also get the impression that this is a preemptive strike, since I previously indicated I'm not keen on monogamy or a conventional relationship (not that--I thought--he was either, considering his past relationships and the fact that we met at a make-out party).
This is all very shitty for me, considering that we both have the resources to build a relationship that accommodates our wants and needs. We didn't even have that conversation though. I'm not sure how you break up with someone who's not your significant other, but here it is happening to me.
He also says he feels really weird about revealing everything he did on Wednesday--that's stuff he doesn't tell anyone. THIS. This is the core of it, I think, so I say that maybe this is why he's pulling back. He agrees, somewhat. I can't help but wonder how much I'm being rejected for my personal damage, but I stifle that question.
When I can get a few more words in--he's babbling, excusing and making a mess of it--I say that I understand his thoughts and fears (some are my own), but not his actions--they just don't align. I feel punished and discarded. "You know, sometimes the answer is in the question. If this is how you react to someone who you connected with and is decent and good and worthy of your trust, then I absolutely don't need to be with you, because you'll hurt me again and again."
He's not healthy, and if he's not healthy, he's not good for me. Self-sabotage rarely hurts only the saboteur. I'm wounded, but mainly I pity him. What a sad place to be. Maybe he'll come back around (luckily, he's already in therapy), and maybe he won't. He offered to return a book I loaned him, but next week is too soon.
Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.
EDIT: Just ran all this by Celeste and she said I needed to write down this quotable Kate: "It's hard to understand what crazy people are talking about." Word.