i love him so much that it hurts
yea.. so um.. i hate fighting w/ ariel, i hate all this drama, i hate having to feel jealous... i love how i leave for 3 days and come back and me and him are on the verge of break up, and that was such a scary place, and i never want to be there anymore.. its so scary... i love him so much, i dont want to loose him, this whole drama scared me, i know that i acted like a hard ass and as if it wasnt a big deal, but omg, i was crying on the inside, staying up to all hours of the morning crying my eyes out being scared and worried, i was so nervous to see him, i hate having to pack up all his stuff JUST IN CASE we were to break up... it scared me, i never want to be there again, i dont want to think about what would happen if we were to break up, i dont wanna think about me dating someone else, i dont wanna think about deleting him from everything, i dont wanna think about having to find someone else who will never measure up to him, i dont wanna loose him, he's my everything, and im so scared right now, i know that he says that its over, but... iknow that its not, you cant get over something like that, not that quickly... now i feel like i cant trust him and i want to trust him, i want everything to go back to the way that it was, why are we fighting? i thought that we loved each other, then how can he be confused about this other girl.. does he realyl love me? should i stay w/ him... should i give him another chance? i dont know what to do in times like this, i wasnt prepared for something like this, this is the last thing that i expected, he was my rock, the one thing that i counted on to neevr change, that his love would always be there.. and now my foundation is shaking, falling apart right in front of my eyes... what am i going to do? i love him w/ my whole entire heart, i can HONESTLY say that i love him, and that i wanna be w/ him, i dont want anyone else, he makes me so very happy, i turn to him for everything, when im sad and crying, i go to him, but how can you cry on someone's shoulder, when they were the person who made you cry in the first place... i just want to be able to trust him again, from now on... im going to question everything, w/o even meaning to.. and i dont wanna do that, i wanna be able to trust him agian, and no that he's always going to be there for me, no matter what... was i not being a good girlfriend? where did i mess up? what do i not have that she does? did i not give him enough attention? did i not show him how i felt? im more mad at myself than anything else,b/c i feel like i messed up somewhere, that i didnt do something, that i could've done one more thing and none of this would have ever happened... i feel like such a bad girlfriend.. i know that we live in seperate towns, but.... i was trying my hardest, i gave this relationship my all and my everything, b/c i want this one to last,and now im scared that its almost over, the one thing that i love the most, is falling right through my hands... how can i catch it again? how can we start over, and make this time better... how can i show him that i really want to be w /him? ... this whole thing has showed me how much i truely do care about him, showed me that i want him to be w/ me, i want him to be mine, and all mine, not someone elses... i love him so much... why do i hurt?