Switch-Hitting Part 7
The only word Kazuya can think of to describe how he feels when he wakes up the next morning is 'different.' Well, he's sore, too, in ways that years of playing baseball have never made him feel, but the overwhelming feeling is that he's not the same Kamenashi Kazuya as the one who lost a baseball game to a lucky home run and the weather less than twenty-four hours before. One of the ways that manifests itself is when he rolls over to curl his body around Jin's beside him, brushing long brown hair away from the nape of his boyfriend's neck to whisper, “Good morning,” in his ear. The rush he gets when he feels Jin's sleep-relaxed muscles suddenly go tense is new, and he welcomes the giddiness settling in his chest, even though he doesn't know if Jin responded to his words or the sensation of breath ghosting over his ear until he's conscious enough to roll over and say the greeting back. Taking his hand as the other dozes off again, now substituting Kazuya's shoulder as a pillow, Kazuya feels decidedly warm and fuzzy inside. Content, he realizes, as the minutes drag on and he has no desire to get up or get Jin up to get ready for class. He wants time to stop and the hustle and bustle of the busy world beyond their bedroom door to disappear so he can stay there forever, feeling safe in Jin's arms.
But not even the thrill of first love can stop the world from spinning.
Slowly but surely, the rest of the world starts to wake up, and before long, Jin and Kazuya have to drag themselves downstairs for breakfast. Still half-asleep, Jin seems unaffected, but nervousness overtakes Kazuya when they join his family around the table. He has a white lie in mind for if they question the slight limp in his step (he'll tell them he got beaned by a rogue pitch in one of his turns at bat the day before), but he doesn't know if he can hide or explain away the way he feels after he and Jin consummated their relationship. The details aren't something he particularly cares to think about, but obviously his parents have more experience with this sort of thing, and he wonders if his and Jin's secret radiates out from him in ways he can't detect. So he remains quiet as they eat, trying to keep his expression stone-faced and his chopsticks from shaking as he raises them to his mouth.
Thankfully, he doesn't have to say much, because his parents engage Jin in conversation, instead.
“Oh, Jin, it's your birthday soon, isn't it? On the fourth, did you say?” his mother asks.
Stifling a yawn behind his hand, Jin nods. “Yeah. That day is a holiday in America.”
As hard has he had been trying to avoid reacting to pretty much anything involving Jin in front of his parents, Kazuya can't help but smile as Jin goes on to explain how, if he were at home, he'd be celebrating his becoming legally allowed to drink alcohol with a day off from his summer job, fireworks, and a night out he probably wouldn't remember the next morning. He'd never say anything about it in case Jin would think him mean for it, but Kazuya loves listening to Jin trying to communicate first thing in the morning. His brain has a tendency to fizzle out when it attempts to process Japanese before 10AM, making him sound a bit like he did when he'd first landed in the country the previous September.
Kazuya comes back to the conversation, though, when his mother says to Jin, “Ah, but I thought you could drink already.”
“In Japan I can, but in America I have to be 21.”
Kazuya's mother regards him curiously over the rim of her tea cup as she takes a sip. “I see. Have you made plans yet? How do you want to celebrate? I mean, of course we'll have cake and presents for you here, but if you want to go out with your friends, just call to let us know where you are and when we can expect you home, okay?”
The suggestion that Jin might want to celebrate his 21st birthday in true American style doesn't do much to help the anxiety Kazuya's already feeling from having to keep their relationship hidden from his parents. As his boyfriend, Kazuya had assumed Jin would spend his birthday with him, and the thought that he could make other plans hadn't even crossed his mind. And if it turns out that Jin wants to celebrate his birthday with him, what should they do? He knows there's only so much they can do together without arousing suspicion, but thinking that Jin's birthday isn't until the following month gives him the idea that he still has plenty of time to think about it. Except in reality, June is already very quickly coming to an end, meaning he has about a week to make a decision.
He's pulled out of his thoughts when he suddenly feels Jin's eyes on him, and he can't stop a bright red blush from spreading across his cheeks as he meets that searching gaze. What are you looking at me like that for? he wants to ask, but he's still afraid that if he reacts too much to Jin, between the two of them they'll give too much away, so he just averts his eyes.
He gets the answer he's looking for, anyway, when Jin turns back to his mother and says, “Actually, I'm not sure what I'll be doing yet, but if I end up going out, I'll make sure to call.”
As he picks at the last few grains of rice in his bowl with the tips of his chopsticks, Kazuya gets the feeling that the look Jin had given him means he's looking to do something with him instead of going out. If that's the case, he'll have to really start thinking about it instead of briefly acknowledging that it's coming up before pushing it to the back of his mind.
Kazuya thinks that he's going to be able to escape the breakfast table with the only pertinent question asked being the one he expected when he visibly winces as he gets up (for which he pulls off his prepared lie perfectly), but his mother proves more perceptive than he had hoped she would be. “Kazuya, are you sure you're all right? You've been quiet, and you look like you're in a lot of pain.”
This gets Jin's attention, and Kazuya feels his cheeks heat again when Jin gives him such an openly worried look, which he can't imagine does much to convince his mother that he hasn't taken ill. “I'm fine.” He tries not to look up at Jin as he follows up with, “It hurts, but it's just a bruise. It'll heal on its own.”
He stumbles a little on the word 'bruise,' thinking back to how eager he had been for Jin to mark up his neck. He's grateful now that he hadn't been able to get Jin to do it; he must have had the foresight to know how much harder hiding their activities would have been had that type of evidence been present. He ends up saying something about having the team's physician check it out (which he certainly won't follow through on, given the circumstances) and perhaps taking it easy at the next couple of practices. He'll most likely get to do so anyway, considering he had pitched the day before.
His answer satisfies his mother, and he's able to escape upstairs without any promises of going to the family doctor or getting something in writing from the team clinic staff to back up his claim that he has a clean bill of health. Jin's right at his heels as they ascend the staircase, and once he's sure his mother isn't following after him with a thermometer and a bowl of okayu, he locks the bedroom door behind them. He buries his face in his hands briefly, at a loss for words between whining about how embarrassing and nerve-wracking all of that was and wondering if they need to sit down and talk about what happened. It's a situation that makes him feel a little lost, so he's grateful when Jin beats him to it.
Wrapping his arms around him and dropping his head to Kazuya's shoulder, he says, “I couldn't tell your mom obviously, but I'd rather spend my birthday with you than go out with my friends.”
Kazuya hums in acknowledgment and echoes his somewhat worried thoughts from before when he responds with, “I had wondered. It's supposed to be a special one, right? So what do you want to do?” He lowers his hands to the small of Jin's back, half returning the embrace and half massaging in the way he's found out Jin likes in an attempt to get him to disclose something he can use in putting together a plan.
Jin responds to the impromptu massage in the way Kazuya had expected, which is to shiver pleasantly and close his eyes. He doesn't offer anything helpful up, though, other than a vague, “You know what I'm in Japan for. Surprise me,” which Kazuya finds infuriatingly frustrating. It almost makes him want to cut the attention he's paying to the muscles at Jin's waist short and tell him to get his butt to school, but then he feels the press of Jin's lips to his neck and he reconsiders. For the time being, anyway.
“All right. I guess I'll think of something.”
Jin's response to that is to say he'll be looking forward to it, but he does so with a look that makes Kazuya feel a bit like he's being challenged, and then Kazuya does let him go, returning the look with one of his own, which makes Jin break out in one of his signature peals of high-pitched laughter. Curling back up in the nest of blankets on his futon, Kazuya resists the urge to start jotting ideas down in a notebook while Jin moves about the room getting ready, instead quizzing him to see if he can't get him to reveal what he might want for a present, only to get more of the same cryptic answers in response.
Nevertheless, he melts into it a little bit when Jin leans down to give him a goodbye kiss that lingers long after he heads out the door. Kazuya stays in bed until he has to get ready for practice, his thoughts floating around the subject of Jin's birthday and occasionally drifting back to how good it feels to be kissed like that. Distractions aside, he spends a long time thinking about Japan and America-what Jin's wanted to do with his time abroad and what he would expect if he were celebrating his birthday at home.
By the end of the day, he has a solid idea, and by the time the big day rolls around, he feels like he has everything prepared.
Kazuya's team has a game the day of Jin's birthday. It's not Kazuya's turn to pitch, but he still has to be in attendance. It's torture. He tries to focus on the game, but when it becomes clear they're going to completely trounce their opponent, he can't stop his thoughts from wandering to what he has planned for himself and Jin after he's allowed to change and go home. His plan is a simple one, but his imagination still has no problem conjuring up for him all kinds of ways it could go wrong, making him feel sick with anxiety. By the seventh inning, his palms have gone clammy in a cold sweat, certainly not brought on by the July heat, though he's also sweating quite a bit from that. He has half a mind to ask the manager if he can enter the game to relieve the starting pitcher, just so he can have something to focus on other than the upcoming evening, except he knows his cheeks would burn with shame at the funny look he would get for suggesting they should intentionally screw up the pitching rotation when they're winning 10-1. He'd feel selfish and like his teammates might think he doesn't know how the game works if he did something like that, so he keeps quiet and just hopes the rest of the game goes by quickly.
Mercifully, it does, and the manager dismisses the team afterwards faster than he would have believed possible. The thought that maybe the coaching staff had found the game as boring to watch as he had entertains him the whole way home, and his mood only lifts further when the first thing he sees upon entering the house is Jin sneaking a peek at his birthday cake in the fridge. Sensing an opportunity, Kazuya sneaks up behind him and slips an arm around his waist, leaning down to whisper, “I'm home,” in his ear in a way that makes Jin jump.
“Welcome back,” he says, sounding a bit put-out at being caught as he closes the refrigerator door, and he promptly shimmies out of Kazuya's embrace. “Your mom and brother are upstairs, you know. This may come as a disappointment to you, but you're going to have to be good for now.”
Kazuya laughs, but heeds Jin's words by not trying to draw closer again. “If it's a disappointment for me, it must be an even bigger disappointment for you, considering you're the birthday boy.”
From the surprised laugh that suddenly escapes Jin's throat and the way a light blush starts to spread across his cheeks, it's clear he's been caught thinking along similar lines. “Whoa...what have I done to you?!”
Kazuya smirks. There's a lot he could say in response to that particular question, but he doesn't get a chance to, because the back door suddenly opens, revealing his father standing in its wake, hurrying to loosen his tie and remove his jacket to escape the summer heat. Even though they're not standing very close to each other to begin with, Kazuya and Jin shift slightly in opposite directions when he's not looking, self-conscious that traces of the suggestive atmosphere broken by his entrance might still be lingering.
That doesn't seem to be the case, though, as it doesn't appear he notices anything out of the ordinary, following up his greeting to each of them with, “Has the delivery guy been by yet? I'm starved.”
For a moment, Jin seems offended by the suggestion that his birthday dinner will consist of food from the type of place that offers delivery until, after coming downstairs to greet her husband, Kazuya's mother presents a wooden box filled to bursting with delicious-looking sushi rolls. He's not the only one whose eyes go wide at the sight of the meal, suggesting that this type of food marks a very special occasion.
The mood in the house turns positively joyous as they all sit down for dinner and cake (Yuya leading in a very boisterous, off-key version of 'Happy Birthday') followed by presents. Honoring the momentousness of the occasion, Jin receives a bottle of sake from Kazuya's parents, and there's much laughter to be had when they insist he pour a round. They even offer Kazuya the opportunity to try some, but to their astonishment, he turns it down. “We're good parents after all!” his mother exclaims. “We managed to raise at least one who won't break the law!”
Yuya coughs uncomfortably while the tips of Kazuya's ears go red. He'd like to tell them it has nothing to do with that, but trying to defend himself would only bring about more probing questions, and coming out with, “I don't want to drink because I might accidentally reveal you've been housing my live-in boyfriend for the last six months,” rather defeats the purpose of why he's choosing to abstain in the first place. So he just hollowly echoes, “Yup, I'm the good one,” and tries to ignore his parents and Jin as they all down a cup.
By the time the excitement of the evening starts to wane, turning into satiety and satisfaction as their large meal settles in their stomachs, Kazuya rather thinks he could have used some liquid courage. He's done a lot of lying to his family since his feelings for Jin began to materialize, and all though he's not proud of it, he realizes that, at least for now, it's necessary. That certainly doesn't make it any easier, though. Clearing his throat, he turns to Jin and tries to keep his voice steady as he says, “You're going out with your friends after this, right? I need to go to the batting cages. Coach said he wants me to try adjusting my stance for better contact.” He looks to his parents for tacit permission, which he finds to be easier than asking outright. It works, he expects, partially because it diverts attention to Jin.
“Ah, so you did decide to go out?” his father asks. “In that case, it's all right, Kazuya. Just both of you, remember to take your phones and call us to let us know when you'll be back.” He turns to Jin with a bit of a twinkle in his eye. “In your case, have fun, but make sure we know if the train you're catching back from Roppongi is the last one tonight or the first one tomorrow morning, all right?”
Jin laughs a bit shyly and assures them that he will. After thanking them for the meal and gathering up his presents, he goes upstairs to “get ready” for his night out, and Kazuya follows shortly after. They don't think it'll be too suspicious if they leave at the same time, so Jin waits for Kazuya to change clothes and pack his duffel bag (his eyebrows rising in surprise again when the younger rather unceremoniously takes the half-full bottle of sake and sets it inside) before they head out the back door together.
“So,” he drawls, taking both Kazuya's bag and his hand once they're out of sight of the house, “where are we going? A love hotel? I'd have thought so from the way you were coming on to me earlier.”
A small, mysterious smile appears on Kazuya's lips. “No, nothing like that. Though, now that you mention it, that might be a good idea for later. If you're, ah...up for it, that is.”
Trying to muffle his laughter, Jin accidentally lets out a snort. “I've created a monster!” he cries, and Kazuya's smile turns into more of a smirk.
“More like unleashed one, I think,” he says, catching Jin's eye so he can see him wink, which sends the other into another fit of perverted chuckling.
“So where are we really going, and why are we going there when we could be going to a love hotel?”
“The river. There's more than one way to see fireworks, you know.”
There are signs posted all over the riverbank that fireworks are prohibited, but based on the plethora of remnants from sparklers, bottle rockets, and other, larger types of pyrotechnics scattered in the grass, they won't be the first ones to break that rule. Kneeling in the grass, instead of baseball equipment, Kazuya pulls explosives of all shapes and sizes out of his bag, and he meets Jin's gaze with a positively feral grin when the last thing he produces is a brand-new Zippo lighter, suggesting that perhaps there's a pyromaniacal side to his personality that Jin hadn't previously been aware of.
He amends that, though, to say that it's likely everyone has a pyromaniacal side after they start taking turns lighting the fuses and running back to safety, whooping with joy when the illuminated sparks explode into colors over the river, reflecting on the surface of the water. It's a rush. Hands in the air as he runs, Kazuya bellows, “HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!” and sprints into Jin's waiting arms, both of them looking up in time to see the resulting shower of gold and silver sparks. Jin does the same on his turn, wishing both himself and his country a “FUCKING AWESOME BIRTHDAY,” but just as he makes it back to where Kazuya's standing, the firework unexpectedly tips over in the grass, and they both shriek for their lives over the boom of the reports as they dodge the small missiles now blasting horizontally across the field.
When the smoke clears, they fall into each other's arms, both laughing so hard they can barely breathe as they fall to the grass to make out like the teenagers they are. Kazuya's kisses taste of sulfur and smoke, and his small body feels warm and solid on top of Jin's own. He can feel the rush of Kazuya's pulse when he lowers his lips to his neck, running on raw adrenaline and excitement, and he swears he can feel it speed further when Kazuya's whole frame tenses deliciously at the feel of his mouth working over the sensitive skin.
As much as he'd like to continue, he can't when Kazuya's knee brushes the hardness of his iPod in the front pocket of his jeans and starts rubbing at it like maybe it's something else. Kazuya resists his first attempts to stop, but he gets the hint, pulling away with a whine, when Jin starts trying to sit up. In response to the confused, somewhat unimpressed look he gets from the other, Jin reaches into his pocket and fishes out the device. “Almost forgot I brought this along. I wanted to show you something.”
At first Kazuya looks a bit put-out at having to stop making out to listen to music, but he takes the earbuds when Jin offers them to him and sticks them in his ears. Thumb flicking over the scroll wheel to select the correct file and adjust the volume, Jin looks at Kazuya to gauge his reaction to the song he wrote for him. It's taken him months of fiddling with chords and adjusting words to make sure his message of becoming a stronger person for going through life and gaining all kinds of experiences with someone he cares deeply about to come through, and he feels as though his heart might explode in his chest as he waits to see if his efforts have paid off.
He sees surprise register on Kazuya's face first, no doubt in response to the fact that it's in Japanese instead of English, and then his eyes go soft and distant for the remainder of the song. When the track ends and Kazuya goes to remove the earbuds, Jin decides to speak first, just in case Kazuya hadn't gotten what he was trying to say. “It's my song for you,” he explains. “I said I would write you a song, and I did. In Japanese, even. The title is English, though. It's called 'care.' It's about...well, hopefully the grammar was decent enough that you got what it's about. So...yeah. Do you like it?”
Kazuya laughs a little, but it sounds a bit forced and thick with emotion. “The grammar could use some work, but...I understood.” He falls silent for a while, to the point where Jin starts to feel a bit nervous, but then he throws his arms around him and bursts out with, “Stupid, I thought it was supposed to be your birthday, not mine! The song...it's great. Thank you. You're going to make sure I get a copy of that before you leave, right?”
Jin smiles against Kazuya's hair as he returns the embrace. “Of course.”
They stay like that for a while, relishing in the calm and comfort the quiet moment brings, but Kazuya soon tries to wiggle his way out of Jin's arms. “Speaking of presents, you probably want yours, huh?”
Jin can't keep his smile from widening as he leans in to peck Kazuya's lips. “You mean you have more to give me besides the button off of your school uniform, a fireworks show, and your virginity?”
He half expects Kazuya to get angry and hit him for the remark, not recognizing the sarcasm for what it is, but instead he just narrows his eyes, firing back, “Yeah, I have to admit coming up with an idea for a birthday present after all of that was kind of hard, so I hope you're not expecting too much.”
Jin feels he should give himself a mental pat on the back for managing to teach Kazuya some of the subtleties of American humor. “I'm sure whatever you got me is fine,” he assures him, but he considers taking it back when Kazuya produces from his duffel bag a faded black cloth #26, frayed and worn around the edges and just about the size of Jin's palm. “Wow,” he says, holding it up and turning it over a few times in inspection after Kazuya hands it to him, “you weren't kidding. You really did cop out. Mind telling me what exactly this is?”
This time, Kazuya does hit him. “It's the number off the sleeve of my old baseball jersey, you asshole! It's important to me, and I thought...it'd be nice if you had it to remember me by after you go home.”
When he sees Kazuya look away from him, his jaw tightly clenched, Jin figures it's probably best to lay off the teasing, and he pulls him into a one-armed hug, turning his head to press a kiss to his cheek. “I already have a lot to remember you by, but thank you. I'll find a good place for it.”
A hint of a smile comes back to Kazuya's face at the affection. “If by 'good place,' you mean 'garbage can,' you know I'll- ”
“You'll what, Kazuya? Hit me? Cut all the strings on my guitar? Force me to go to another Giants game? De-friend me on Facebook? The only thing I think I'd be scared of is if you threatened to throw something at my head. Or my junk. But anything else, I think I could handle.”
When Kazuya lunges, Jin manages to grab him by the forearms and playfully force him back. “Come on, tell me what you'd do to me!”
Just what Kazuya intends to do to Jin never becomes clear, because the second he opens his mouth to respond, the other starts assaulting his sides with merciless jabs that make him squirm and shriek with laughter. “Jin, what the hell?! Knock it off!”
Instead of relenting, Jin redoubles his efforts, forcing sounds from Kazuya's throat that he'll never admit to making later. He finally manages to squirm away, but in the process, he lands a kick to the side of his duffel bag, and they both stop and look at each other when they hear his foot connect with glass. The sake.
With nothing short of a gleeful expression on his face, Jin reaches into the bag to pull out the bottle. “Good thinking bringing this along. Is it really smart to mix alcohol with fireworks, though?”
“I figured the alcohol would come after the fireworks, and wouldn't you know it, I was right.” Pulling the bag a little closer so he can peer inside, Kazuya wrinkles his nose and says, “Forgot to bring cups, though.”
“Then we can be real men and drink from the bottle.” Already unscrewing the cap, Jin raises the bottle to his lips and does exactly that.
Not to be outdone, Kazuya reaches out to take it from him. “My turn, wiseass.”
Jin hands it over, but with his eyebrow raised and his lips curled in the way that tells Kazuya he's not going to be able to take a drink without some sort of smart-alack comment being made at his expense. Sure enough, “I thought your mother said you were the 'good one.' No alcohol before twenty and all that. What would you have to say for yourself if she were here right now?”
Kazuya just raises the bottle and matches Jin's grin with one of his own. “I'd tell her, 'Happy independence day.'” He tips the bottle back and takes a mouthful before handing it back to Jin, wincing a little from the strength of it. “It's...” He trails off for a moment, smacking his lips a few times as he tries to come up with an appropriate adjective to describe the sensation of the liquor going down his throat and spreading throughout his stomach. “Strong, but...smooth?”
Jin nods in agreement and takes another swig. “Yeah, I don't really know a lot about it, but I hear the smoother, the better, so this must be a decent brand. I wonder if that means your parents like me,” he muses, examining the bottle to see if the label will give up any secrets about the price or the quality of the liquor held inside.
Across from him, Kazuya patiently waits his turn for round two, deciding he rather likes the warm feeling that seemed to coat the lining of his stomach after the first one. “I bet you anything they wouldn't if they knew we were out here doing this.”
The bottle changes hands again and Jin laughs. “Do you mean if they knew I was corrupting their one 'good' son by giving him his first real taste of alcohol, or if they knew that after this, we're going to have an even better time celebrating my birthday at the nearest seedy love hotel?”
“Mm, both, but you'd probably be forgiven for the drinking. Taking advantage of me and robbing me of the last semblance of my innocence? Not so much.” Throwing back another swig of sake, Kazuya swallows past the taste and focuses on the warmth the drink brings, which spreads outward this time, to his limbs and a bit to his brain. “Mm, feels good...”
“I'll take the fall for your drinking problem, you lush, but not for 'robbing you of your innocence,' or whatever. It's pretty hard to steal something willingly given, after all. And oi, pass the booze back before I lose my buzz!” Except instead of just getting the bottle, Jin ends up with a lap full of red-faced, giggling boyfriend. Pleased by this turn of events, he forgets about the sake for the time being and wraps his arms around Kazuya's waist to pull him a bit closer. “Well, hello there...”
It doesn't take Kazuya long to decide that Jin's sake-laced kisses are better than the shots of booze themselves, and if he could he'd drink all of that sweetness down until there was none left, because he feels like he could never get enough.
Of just straight shots of sake, though, it turns out that three is more than enough for him. There's only a little bit left in the bottle after Kazuya clearly surpasses his limits, so Jin tips his head back and drains it. By the time he sets the bottle aside, he feels the pleasant fuzziness that accompanies inebriation start to work its way into his brain, but he's not nearly as far gone as Kazuya, who's swaying back and forth in his lap and singing to himself.
Jin has no idea what it is he's singing about, but he decides it would be better if he had a partner. He knows the perfect song, too. “If I said, 'Do you love me?' would you say, 'Ye-oh!'?” He pauses for a moment. “Kazuya, you're supposed to say, 'Ye-oh!'!”
“Huh? Oh. Ye-oh!”
“Very good. If I said, 'Do you need me?' would you say, 'Ye-oh!'?”
“Ye-oh!”
“I'll keep you dry when the rain falls, 'cause I've never been so enthralled; don't know how. And I don't need nothin' else! Ooh~”
Kazuya's voice drops out when Jin starts to sing, a broad smile lighting up his flushed face and his body shaking with quiet giggles as Jin sways them in time to the beat. Suddenly, Jin's lips move closer, and Kazuya tenses, sighing pleasurably when every line of the chorus gets punctuated with a kiss to either his temple or the sensitive spot by his ear. It comes as quite a surprise, then, when Jin's strong voice starts to peter out towards the end.
“Is this real, or...are we drinking the love...? You got me...” When Jin finishes the line, his singing falters, and he says the final 'tipsy, baby' in a voice that sounds forlorn, bordering on heartbroken.
Kazuya opens his eyes. “'s pretty. Why'd you stop?”
For a long time, Jin doesn't speak-just wraps his arms around Kazuya and holds him tightly. “'m gonna miss you.”
When he hears the words leave Jin's lips, a heavy weight seems to settle on Kazuya's chest, and instantly, he feels as though some of the alcohol has evaporated from his bloodstream. Not quite enough of it, though, to feel completely coherent. “W-What?”
Jin's grip on him tightens a little bit, and he says, more insistently, “I'm gonna miss you. When I go home. I don't want to have to leave you.”
Kazuya lets this information wash over him, feeling reality trying to penetrate the pleasant haze of drunkenness. It's the subject they've been trying to avoid for weeks. They've said things in passing like, “After you go home,” and, “I'll miss you,” but they haven't talked about how Jin's leaving will affect them in terms of their relationship. Now, though, with plenty of alcohol in their systems to loosen their tongues, it seems they have no choice.
It's a struggle for Kazuya to think properly under the influence of the booze, everything he wants to say coming out half-formed and then vanishing before he can get his tongue and lips to shape the words, but eventually he manages to get out, “So...when you leave...'s that it? What...What're we gonna do?”
Instead of answering the question directly, Jin just buries his face in Kazuya's neck and says again, “I don't want to leave you,” as though expressing his dislike for the situation somehow dulls the pain that comes with the reminder that in just a few weeks, he'll have no choice but to do exactly that, possibly never coming back.
Kazuya doesn't see it that way at all. Jin's words and his hinting that they'll have to give up what they have strike him like a blow, one that forces him a bit farther back into sobriety. Deep down he knows the sting he's feeling is realization of the fact that he can't live in denial of what's going to happen anymore, but in his current state, he lacks the rationality to accept that. At the moment, it's easier to vent the deep hurt he's feeling as anger and betrayal. “So that's it, then? I gave you everything, and now it's just over?!”
The unfiltered fury in Kazuya's voice makes Jin freeze, hitting his nervous system like a cup of very strong coffee. He tries to be rational, to make Kazuya calm down and perhaps see the facts for what they are. “What did you think was going to happen? You knew I was going to have to leave.”
Except that rationality is very rarely an effective strategy for placating drunk people. “Yeah, but you don't have to be so casual about it, you asshole!” Kazuya fires back. “I can't believe you're dumping me like this! Fuck you!”
Even though he knows Kazuya's only saying those things because he's drunk, Jin still feels his temper rising in response to the abuse, and he starts to lose his cool, too. “Kazuya, that's the liquor talking. You think this is easy for me? It's not. I meant it when I said I love you, okay? Trust me, I wish it didn't have to end this way, but it's not like we really have a choice.” When no response comes forthright, he adds on, his voice weary with sadness and resignation, “Getting over you is going to be a bitch.”
When Kazuya finally does speak, it's obvious he's on the verge of tears. “I don't know if I can get over you,” he admits, pressing his face to Jin's shoulder. He can't hold the sobs back anymore, and his shoulders shake violently as he chokes out, “I love you so much...”
Suddenly, Jin feels like he understands a bit better. Kazuya's never gotten his heart broken like this before, and tears prick at his own eyes when he realizes he's going to have to be his first for that, too. Their tears mingle as Jin pulls Kazuya's head away from his shoulder to press their cheeks together, tangling his fingers tightly in his hair and whispering, “I'm so sorry,” in his ear over and over again.
They keep holding each other like that long after their tears dry, and they can't think of much to say to each other after that, either, so they stay there in silence until Kazuya's curfew approaching gives them a reason to go back. By the time they reach the house, the effects of the alcohol have worn off to the point where they can sneak in and upstairs without incident, but the mood between them remains rather frigid. There's a sad sort of longing in their eyes as they get ready for bed, but not enough to bridge the gap between their futons. There doesn't seem to be much of a point anymore.
~*~*~*~
It's not a feeling that fades by the time they wake up the following morning, but they're able to talk about it a bit more (this time calmly and rationally) as they nurse their alcohol-induced headaches. There's still nothing they can do to change the situation they've created for themselves, but they agree there's no point in spending their whole last month together moping about it if the circumstances are beyond their control. In the end, they decide to delay the moment of final separation as long as possible so they can continue to take comfort in each other's presence until the very end. There's nothing either of them can say or do to heal the deep ache they're both feeling deep down, but being able to sit in silence and hold each other helps take the edge off, at least for a little while. They both go down to breakfast very late that day.
Try as they might, with every passing day, it gets harder to act normally. Kazuya in particular feels rather helpless watching Jin start processing the paperwork to leave the country and packing his suitcases on top of studying for his second semester finals. He tries to help out as much as he can, even when his body aches with fatigue from his own grueling schedule and he wants nothing more than to fall into bed, but he never lasts long before the sadness gets to be too much and he has to stop.
He tries hard not to cry about it in front of Jin after that first horrible time, but he can't hold his feelings at bay when he's alone. One afternoon when Jin's out of the house, he sneaks upstairs to slip a grammatically correct version of 'care' into one of the pockets of Jin's carry-on bag, and seeing his belongings all packed up, his presence limited to a single corner of the room they've shared for the last ten months, he breaks down and lets it all out. This ends up happening several more times, and after a while, it gets to the point where he can't stand to be in their room alone.
The nights aren't much better, but at least then they have each other. They pass hours holding onto each other in the darkness, neither able to fall asleep. Their hands are never idle, ghosting over each other's skin in caresses that are intimate, but not overtly sexual, and mouths soon follow suit. They touch each other as though trying to leave permanent imprints on each other's flesh, and they end up breaking their unspoken rule of no marks on nights that follow particularly difficult days, when tear tracks join the path of lips and fingers over skin. Never has the need to conceal their relationship from Kazuya's family felt more stifling, intensifying the ache instead of soothing it when they have to stifle groans and cries behind pillows and clenched fists.
The day before Jin's set to leave, they escape the confines of the house for a love hotel, where they lay their emotions and their bodies bare as they say their final farewells. Spending the whole afternoon there burns a deep hole in both of their wallets, but Kazuya wouldn't take back those long hours of holding and loving Jin for anything. Feeling the lingering burn and knowing his body bears the evidence of Jin's scorching touch when he wakes up the following morning makes him feel as though he's still in the other's strong embrace. That and Jin's pinky subtly brushing his in the small space between their seats help keep him sane on the long car ride to the airport.
When they pull over to the curb to help Jin gather his belongings and say their final goodbyes, Kazuya resolves not to start crying, but he can't swallow down the lump in his throat when he hears his mother and Yuya sniff tellingly and he sees the glassy look in Jin's eyes as he hugs them both in turn. He manages to hold off until after his father steps forward to offer Jin a handshake, but then he all but runs into his arms, and he doesn't care what his family reads into it when he wraps his arms tightly around his shoulders and tells him in a choked voice that he'll miss him. Jin rubs at his back absently, assuring him they'll be able to talk on Facebook and Skype, but it sounds hollow to both of them for reasons only they understand. Both wanting to get through the farewell with their emotions under control, they don't linger long in the embrace, and Kazuya hurries back into the car soon after Jin turns away to gather his luggage so he won't have to see his retreating back disappear into the terminal.
He doesn't think he's fooling anyone by feigning sleep on the way home to hide his tears, but his family acknowledges his distress by giving him the space he needs. When they arrive back at the house, they let him go to the batting cages without question, and he hits balls for hours until his hands shake from fatigue instead of pent-up emotion. He doesn't go home again until after dark, but his mother's in the kitchen waiting for him with a plate of leftovers from dinner. As much as he wants to wolf his meal down and go straight upstairs to bed, his resolve falters when a gentle hand wraps around his wrist to pull him back. “It's okay to be sad,” she says, wrapping her arms around him. “I miss him, too. We all do.”
Kazuya wants to tell her she has no idea how he feels, but all that comes out when he tries to speak is a choked sob, and suddenly he's clinging to her and crying his heart out like he did when he was six years old and the first best friend he ever made moved away. Warm, slightly wrinkled hands work their way through his hair long after his tears stop, and it's only when she urges him to try and get some sleep that he feels like he can. When he gets upstairs, he locks the door out of habit and curls up in Jin's futon, burying his nose in the pillowcase that still smells like him. Vaguely, he wonders if Jin's the type of person who finds sleep easily, even on airplanes, or if maybe he's not the only one laying awake.
His mother does laundry the following morning in preparation for Kōji's return, but even as Kazuya loses that particular comfort, he finds a better one in Kōji himself, who, after they all retire following a feast to celebrate his homecoming, doesn't question Kazuya's hesitant request to join him in his futon. Surrounded by the scent of clean sheets and the comforting warmth of the brother he's always been closest with, Kazuya listens intently as Kōji confides in him all of the things about his time abroad he hadn't been able to tell their parents at dinner-of lots of booze making it easier to practice his English, the occasional experiment with stronger substances in the company of friends, how LA clubs are different from those in Tokyo (which is to say that they're much, much better), homesickness, losing weight after getting sick from eating bad sushi and later gaining it from frequent trips to McDonald's... His eyes go soft as he talks at length about the girl whose apartment he'd ended up moving into and the diamond ring he'd left behind on her dresser the morning he'd gone to the airport. “She said yes,” he admits, his eyes shining with excitement and happiness in the darkness.
When he says that he plans to tell their parents in the morning that the family will be becoming more international soon, Kazuya thinks of Jin, and a secretive little smile comes to his face that doesn't go unnoticed.
“So what have you been up to while I've been away, little brother?” Kōji asks, his tone turning teasing and curious in response to the look in Kazuya's eyes. “Anything exciting?”
With a bit of gentle coaxing, Kazuya ends up telling his brother the whole story, mentioning his and Jin's awkward beginnings, the missteps, the struggles Jin faced as an exchange student, and of the love that ended up blossoming between them. Kōji proves to be a very receptive audience, and not just because he'd experienced most of it himself in his own time abroad. The way he doesn't even blink an eye at Jin's gender, instead delighting in Kazuya's retelling of the many happy moments between him and Jin and holding him close when the reminder of how they'd had to part reminds Kazuya why he's always felt closest to Kōji out of all of his brothers.
His face tucked comfortably in the crook of his brother's neck, Kazuya listens to Kōji's deep, soothing voice as he muses, “I wonder if Amy knows Jin, or if she doesn't, if she can seek him out somehow. They go to the same school, after all. That might be a good way to make sure the two of you can stay in touch.”
It's then that Kazuya remembers Jin's promise to get set up on Skype, and he relays his concerns to his brother that he hasn't heard anything from him yet, even though his plane should have long since landed in LA, to which Kōji responds, “I wouldn't worry too much. He's probably still trying to get re-acclimated. Give him some time.”
Kazuya does, and yet still no word from Jin comes. He's never been one to spend an exorbitant amount of time on the computer, but he begins checking Facebook and Skype religiously to see if Jin's been online at all, only to turn up nothing each time. A few more days pass, and he starts checking news sites to see if there have been any headlines of a plane en-route to Los Angeles from Tokyo crashing into the ocean. Thankfully, he finds none of those, either, but it only brings a little relief to the deep unease he's feeling. A bit longer, and he starts to lose both hope and direction. Baseball starts to become a chore-long days of practices and games in the worst heat of the summer, followed by even longer nights. LA starts to infiltrate his dreams. He's never been there, so he has no idea what the city actually looks like, but the landscape doesn't matter nearly as much as what he sees in the foreground-seas of moving bodies illuminated by multicolored, flashing lights, Jin dancing with stunningly beautiful blonde girls, touching them first with his hands and his hips and later his mouth. Kazuya wakes up with tears running down his face from his dreams sometimes, and when he makes enough noise to rouse Kōji, his older brother sits up with him, giving him comfort and advice until he feels like he can fall asleep again.
This happens far too often for Kazuya's liking, though. He wants to get past the time he spent with Jin so he can move on and not have to hurt anymore. Kōji's response to that, though, is, “Who says you have to get past it? If you want something, you have to go after it while you still have the chance to. And if he loved you as much as you loved him, I bet you he still does just as much as you do. That's not something that's easy to move on from. There's got to be some way the two of you can still be together.” But Kazuya doesn't know what to do to achieve that, either, so he keeps going about as though in limbo.
When an anonymous flier gets mailed to the house at the tail-end of August, it feels a bit like fate.
Final Part
But not even the thrill of first love can stop the world from spinning.
Slowly but surely, the rest of the world starts to wake up, and before long, Jin and Kazuya have to drag themselves downstairs for breakfast. Still half-asleep, Jin seems unaffected, but nervousness overtakes Kazuya when they join his family around the table. He has a white lie in mind for if they question the slight limp in his step (he'll tell them he got beaned by a rogue pitch in one of his turns at bat the day before), but he doesn't know if he can hide or explain away the way he feels after he and Jin consummated their relationship. The details aren't something he particularly cares to think about, but obviously his parents have more experience with this sort of thing, and he wonders if his and Jin's secret radiates out from him in ways he can't detect. So he remains quiet as they eat, trying to keep his expression stone-faced and his chopsticks from shaking as he raises them to his mouth.
Thankfully, he doesn't have to say much, because his parents engage Jin in conversation, instead.
“Oh, Jin, it's your birthday soon, isn't it? On the fourth, did you say?” his mother asks.
Stifling a yawn behind his hand, Jin nods. “Yeah. That day is a holiday in America.”
As hard has he had been trying to avoid reacting to pretty much anything involving Jin in front of his parents, Kazuya can't help but smile as Jin goes on to explain how, if he were at home, he'd be celebrating his becoming legally allowed to drink alcohol with a day off from his summer job, fireworks, and a night out he probably wouldn't remember the next morning. He'd never say anything about it in case Jin would think him mean for it, but Kazuya loves listening to Jin trying to communicate first thing in the morning. His brain has a tendency to fizzle out when it attempts to process Japanese before 10AM, making him sound a bit like he did when he'd first landed in the country the previous September.
Kazuya comes back to the conversation, though, when his mother says to Jin, “Ah, but I thought you could drink already.”
“In Japan I can, but in America I have to be 21.”
Kazuya's mother regards him curiously over the rim of her tea cup as she takes a sip. “I see. Have you made plans yet? How do you want to celebrate? I mean, of course we'll have cake and presents for you here, but if you want to go out with your friends, just call to let us know where you are and when we can expect you home, okay?”
The suggestion that Jin might want to celebrate his 21st birthday in true American style doesn't do much to help the anxiety Kazuya's already feeling from having to keep their relationship hidden from his parents. As his boyfriend, Kazuya had assumed Jin would spend his birthday with him, and the thought that he could make other plans hadn't even crossed his mind. And if it turns out that Jin wants to celebrate his birthday with him, what should they do? He knows there's only so much they can do together without arousing suspicion, but thinking that Jin's birthday isn't until the following month gives him the idea that he still has plenty of time to think about it. Except in reality, June is already very quickly coming to an end, meaning he has about a week to make a decision.
He's pulled out of his thoughts when he suddenly feels Jin's eyes on him, and he can't stop a bright red blush from spreading across his cheeks as he meets that searching gaze. What are you looking at me like that for? he wants to ask, but he's still afraid that if he reacts too much to Jin, between the two of them they'll give too much away, so he just averts his eyes.
He gets the answer he's looking for, anyway, when Jin turns back to his mother and says, “Actually, I'm not sure what I'll be doing yet, but if I end up going out, I'll make sure to call.”
As he picks at the last few grains of rice in his bowl with the tips of his chopsticks, Kazuya gets the feeling that the look Jin had given him means he's looking to do something with him instead of going out. If that's the case, he'll have to really start thinking about it instead of briefly acknowledging that it's coming up before pushing it to the back of his mind.
Kazuya thinks that he's going to be able to escape the breakfast table with the only pertinent question asked being the one he expected when he visibly winces as he gets up (for which he pulls off his prepared lie perfectly), but his mother proves more perceptive than he had hoped she would be. “Kazuya, are you sure you're all right? You've been quiet, and you look like you're in a lot of pain.”
This gets Jin's attention, and Kazuya feels his cheeks heat again when Jin gives him such an openly worried look, which he can't imagine does much to convince his mother that he hasn't taken ill. “I'm fine.” He tries not to look up at Jin as he follows up with, “It hurts, but it's just a bruise. It'll heal on its own.”
He stumbles a little on the word 'bruise,' thinking back to how eager he had been for Jin to mark up his neck. He's grateful now that he hadn't been able to get Jin to do it; he must have had the foresight to know how much harder hiding their activities would have been had that type of evidence been present. He ends up saying something about having the team's physician check it out (which he certainly won't follow through on, given the circumstances) and perhaps taking it easy at the next couple of practices. He'll most likely get to do so anyway, considering he had pitched the day before.
His answer satisfies his mother, and he's able to escape upstairs without any promises of going to the family doctor or getting something in writing from the team clinic staff to back up his claim that he has a clean bill of health. Jin's right at his heels as they ascend the staircase, and once he's sure his mother isn't following after him with a thermometer and a bowl of okayu, he locks the bedroom door behind them. He buries his face in his hands briefly, at a loss for words between whining about how embarrassing and nerve-wracking all of that was and wondering if they need to sit down and talk about what happened. It's a situation that makes him feel a little lost, so he's grateful when Jin beats him to it.
Wrapping his arms around him and dropping his head to Kazuya's shoulder, he says, “I couldn't tell your mom obviously, but I'd rather spend my birthday with you than go out with my friends.”
Kazuya hums in acknowledgment and echoes his somewhat worried thoughts from before when he responds with, “I had wondered. It's supposed to be a special one, right? So what do you want to do?” He lowers his hands to the small of Jin's back, half returning the embrace and half massaging in the way he's found out Jin likes in an attempt to get him to disclose something he can use in putting together a plan.
Jin responds to the impromptu massage in the way Kazuya had expected, which is to shiver pleasantly and close his eyes. He doesn't offer anything helpful up, though, other than a vague, “You know what I'm in Japan for. Surprise me,” which Kazuya finds infuriatingly frustrating. It almost makes him want to cut the attention he's paying to the muscles at Jin's waist short and tell him to get his butt to school, but then he feels the press of Jin's lips to his neck and he reconsiders. For the time being, anyway.
“All right. I guess I'll think of something.”
Jin's response to that is to say he'll be looking forward to it, but he does so with a look that makes Kazuya feel a bit like he's being challenged, and then Kazuya does let him go, returning the look with one of his own, which makes Jin break out in one of his signature peals of high-pitched laughter. Curling back up in the nest of blankets on his futon, Kazuya resists the urge to start jotting ideas down in a notebook while Jin moves about the room getting ready, instead quizzing him to see if he can't get him to reveal what he might want for a present, only to get more of the same cryptic answers in response.
Nevertheless, he melts into it a little bit when Jin leans down to give him a goodbye kiss that lingers long after he heads out the door. Kazuya stays in bed until he has to get ready for practice, his thoughts floating around the subject of Jin's birthday and occasionally drifting back to how good it feels to be kissed like that. Distractions aside, he spends a long time thinking about Japan and America-what Jin's wanted to do with his time abroad and what he would expect if he were celebrating his birthday at home.
By the end of the day, he has a solid idea, and by the time the big day rolls around, he feels like he has everything prepared.
Kazuya's team has a game the day of Jin's birthday. It's not Kazuya's turn to pitch, but he still has to be in attendance. It's torture. He tries to focus on the game, but when it becomes clear they're going to completely trounce their opponent, he can't stop his thoughts from wandering to what he has planned for himself and Jin after he's allowed to change and go home. His plan is a simple one, but his imagination still has no problem conjuring up for him all kinds of ways it could go wrong, making him feel sick with anxiety. By the seventh inning, his palms have gone clammy in a cold sweat, certainly not brought on by the July heat, though he's also sweating quite a bit from that. He has half a mind to ask the manager if he can enter the game to relieve the starting pitcher, just so he can have something to focus on other than the upcoming evening, except he knows his cheeks would burn with shame at the funny look he would get for suggesting they should intentionally screw up the pitching rotation when they're winning 10-1. He'd feel selfish and like his teammates might think he doesn't know how the game works if he did something like that, so he keeps quiet and just hopes the rest of the game goes by quickly.
Mercifully, it does, and the manager dismisses the team afterwards faster than he would have believed possible. The thought that maybe the coaching staff had found the game as boring to watch as he had entertains him the whole way home, and his mood only lifts further when the first thing he sees upon entering the house is Jin sneaking a peek at his birthday cake in the fridge. Sensing an opportunity, Kazuya sneaks up behind him and slips an arm around his waist, leaning down to whisper, “I'm home,” in his ear in a way that makes Jin jump.
“Welcome back,” he says, sounding a bit put-out at being caught as he closes the refrigerator door, and he promptly shimmies out of Kazuya's embrace. “Your mom and brother are upstairs, you know. This may come as a disappointment to you, but you're going to have to be good for now.”
Kazuya laughs, but heeds Jin's words by not trying to draw closer again. “If it's a disappointment for me, it must be an even bigger disappointment for you, considering you're the birthday boy.”
From the surprised laugh that suddenly escapes Jin's throat and the way a light blush starts to spread across his cheeks, it's clear he's been caught thinking along similar lines. “Whoa...what have I done to you?!”
Kazuya smirks. There's a lot he could say in response to that particular question, but he doesn't get a chance to, because the back door suddenly opens, revealing his father standing in its wake, hurrying to loosen his tie and remove his jacket to escape the summer heat. Even though they're not standing very close to each other to begin with, Kazuya and Jin shift slightly in opposite directions when he's not looking, self-conscious that traces of the suggestive atmosphere broken by his entrance might still be lingering.
That doesn't seem to be the case, though, as it doesn't appear he notices anything out of the ordinary, following up his greeting to each of them with, “Has the delivery guy been by yet? I'm starved.”
For a moment, Jin seems offended by the suggestion that his birthday dinner will consist of food from the type of place that offers delivery until, after coming downstairs to greet her husband, Kazuya's mother presents a wooden box filled to bursting with delicious-looking sushi rolls. He's not the only one whose eyes go wide at the sight of the meal, suggesting that this type of food marks a very special occasion.
The mood in the house turns positively joyous as they all sit down for dinner and cake (Yuya leading in a very boisterous, off-key version of 'Happy Birthday') followed by presents. Honoring the momentousness of the occasion, Jin receives a bottle of sake from Kazuya's parents, and there's much laughter to be had when they insist he pour a round. They even offer Kazuya the opportunity to try some, but to their astonishment, he turns it down. “We're good parents after all!” his mother exclaims. “We managed to raise at least one who won't break the law!”
Yuya coughs uncomfortably while the tips of Kazuya's ears go red. He'd like to tell them it has nothing to do with that, but trying to defend himself would only bring about more probing questions, and coming out with, “I don't want to drink because I might accidentally reveal you've been housing my live-in boyfriend for the last six months,” rather defeats the purpose of why he's choosing to abstain in the first place. So he just hollowly echoes, “Yup, I'm the good one,” and tries to ignore his parents and Jin as they all down a cup.
By the time the excitement of the evening starts to wane, turning into satiety and satisfaction as their large meal settles in their stomachs, Kazuya rather thinks he could have used some liquid courage. He's done a lot of lying to his family since his feelings for Jin began to materialize, and all though he's not proud of it, he realizes that, at least for now, it's necessary. That certainly doesn't make it any easier, though. Clearing his throat, he turns to Jin and tries to keep his voice steady as he says, “You're going out with your friends after this, right? I need to go to the batting cages. Coach said he wants me to try adjusting my stance for better contact.” He looks to his parents for tacit permission, which he finds to be easier than asking outright. It works, he expects, partially because it diverts attention to Jin.
“Ah, so you did decide to go out?” his father asks. “In that case, it's all right, Kazuya. Just both of you, remember to take your phones and call us to let us know when you'll be back.” He turns to Jin with a bit of a twinkle in his eye. “In your case, have fun, but make sure we know if the train you're catching back from Roppongi is the last one tonight or the first one tomorrow morning, all right?”
Jin laughs a bit shyly and assures them that he will. After thanking them for the meal and gathering up his presents, he goes upstairs to “get ready” for his night out, and Kazuya follows shortly after. They don't think it'll be too suspicious if they leave at the same time, so Jin waits for Kazuya to change clothes and pack his duffel bag (his eyebrows rising in surprise again when the younger rather unceremoniously takes the half-full bottle of sake and sets it inside) before they head out the back door together.
“So,” he drawls, taking both Kazuya's bag and his hand once they're out of sight of the house, “where are we going? A love hotel? I'd have thought so from the way you were coming on to me earlier.”
A small, mysterious smile appears on Kazuya's lips. “No, nothing like that. Though, now that you mention it, that might be a good idea for later. If you're, ah...up for it, that is.”
Trying to muffle his laughter, Jin accidentally lets out a snort. “I've created a monster!” he cries, and Kazuya's smile turns into more of a smirk.
“More like unleashed one, I think,” he says, catching Jin's eye so he can see him wink, which sends the other into another fit of perverted chuckling.
“So where are we really going, and why are we going there when we could be going to a love hotel?”
“The river. There's more than one way to see fireworks, you know.”
There are signs posted all over the riverbank that fireworks are prohibited, but based on the plethora of remnants from sparklers, bottle rockets, and other, larger types of pyrotechnics scattered in the grass, they won't be the first ones to break that rule. Kneeling in the grass, instead of baseball equipment, Kazuya pulls explosives of all shapes and sizes out of his bag, and he meets Jin's gaze with a positively feral grin when the last thing he produces is a brand-new Zippo lighter, suggesting that perhaps there's a pyromaniacal side to his personality that Jin hadn't previously been aware of.
He amends that, though, to say that it's likely everyone has a pyromaniacal side after they start taking turns lighting the fuses and running back to safety, whooping with joy when the illuminated sparks explode into colors over the river, reflecting on the surface of the water. It's a rush. Hands in the air as he runs, Kazuya bellows, “HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!” and sprints into Jin's waiting arms, both of them looking up in time to see the resulting shower of gold and silver sparks. Jin does the same on his turn, wishing both himself and his country a “FUCKING AWESOME BIRTHDAY,” but just as he makes it back to where Kazuya's standing, the firework unexpectedly tips over in the grass, and they both shriek for their lives over the boom of the reports as they dodge the small missiles now blasting horizontally across the field.
When the smoke clears, they fall into each other's arms, both laughing so hard they can barely breathe as they fall to the grass to make out like the teenagers they are. Kazuya's kisses taste of sulfur and smoke, and his small body feels warm and solid on top of Jin's own. He can feel the rush of Kazuya's pulse when he lowers his lips to his neck, running on raw adrenaline and excitement, and he swears he can feel it speed further when Kazuya's whole frame tenses deliciously at the feel of his mouth working over the sensitive skin.
As much as he'd like to continue, he can't when Kazuya's knee brushes the hardness of his iPod in the front pocket of his jeans and starts rubbing at it like maybe it's something else. Kazuya resists his first attempts to stop, but he gets the hint, pulling away with a whine, when Jin starts trying to sit up. In response to the confused, somewhat unimpressed look he gets from the other, Jin reaches into his pocket and fishes out the device. “Almost forgot I brought this along. I wanted to show you something.”
At first Kazuya looks a bit put-out at having to stop making out to listen to music, but he takes the earbuds when Jin offers them to him and sticks them in his ears. Thumb flicking over the scroll wheel to select the correct file and adjust the volume, Jin looks at Kazuya to gauge his reaction to the song he wrote for him. It's taken him months of fiddling with chords and adjusting words to make sure his message of becoming a stronger person for going through life and gaining all kinds of experiences with someone he cares deeply about to come through, and he feels as though his heart might explode in his chest as he waits to see if his efforts have paid off.
He sees surprise register on Kazuya's face first, no doubt in response to the fact that it's in Japanese instead of English, and then his eyes go soft and distant for the remainder of the song. When the track ends and Kazuya goes to remove the earbuds, Jin decides to speak first, just in case Kazuya hadn't gotten what he was trying to say. “It's my song for you,” he explains. “I said I would write you a song, and I did. In Japanese, even. The title is English, though. It's called 'care.' It's about...well, hopefully the grammar was decent enough that you got what it's about. So...yeah. Do you like it?”
Kazuya laughs a little, but it sounds a bit forced and thick with emotion. “The grammar could use some work, but...I understood.” He falls silent for a while, to the point where Jin starts to feel a bit nervous, but then he throws his arms around him and bursts out with, “Stupid, I thought it was supposed to be your birthday, not mine! The song...it's great. Thank you. You're going to make sure I get a copy of that before you leave, right?”
Jin smiles against Kazuya's hair as he returns the embrace. “Of course.”
They stay like that for a while, relishing in the calm and comfort the quiet moment brings, but Kazuya soon tries to wiggle his way out of Jin's arms. “Speaking of presents, you probably want yours, huh?”
Jin can't keep his smile from widening as he leans in to peck Kazuya's lips. “You mean you have more to give me besides the button off of your school uniform, a fireworks show, and your virginity?”
He half expects Kazuya to get angry and hit him for the remark, not recognizing the sarcasm for what it is, but instead he just narrows his eyes, firing back, “Yeah, I have to admit coming up with an idea for a birthday present after all of that was kind of hard, so I hope you're not expecting too much.”
Jin feels he should give himself a mental pat on the back for managing to teach Kazuya some of the subtleties of American humor. “I'm sure whatever you got me is fine,” he assures him, but he considers taking it back when Kazuya produces from his duffel bag a faded black cloth #26, frayed and worn around the edges and just about the size of Jin's palm. “Wow,” he says, holding it up and turning it over a few times in inspection after Kazuya hands it to him, “you weren't kidding. You really did cop out. Mind telling me what exactly this is?”
This time, Kazuya does hit him. “It's the number off the sleeve of my old baseball jersey, you asshole! It's important to me, and I thought...it'd be nice if you had it to remember me by after you go home.”
When he sees Kazuya look away from him, his jaw tightly clenched, Jin figures it's probably best to lay off the teasing, and he pulls him into a one-armed hug, turning his head to press a kiss to his cheek. “I already have a lot to remember you by, but thank you. I'll find a good place for it.”
A hint of a smile comes back to Kazuya's face at the affection. “If by 'good place,' you mean 'garbage can,' you know I'll- ”
“You'll what, Kazuya? Hit me? Cut all the strings on my guitar? Force me to go to another Giants game? De-friend me on Facebook? The only thing I think I'd be scared of is if you threatened to throw something at my head. Or my junk. But anything else, I think I could handle.”
When Kazuya lunges, Jin manages to grab him by the forearms and playfully force him back. “Come on, tell me what you'd do to me!”
Just what Kazuya intends to do to Jin never becomes clear, because the second he opens his mouth to respond, the other starts assaulting his sides with merciless jabs that make him squirm and shriek with laughter. “Jin, what the hell?! Knock it off!”
Instead of relenting, Jin redoubles his efforts, forcing sounds from Kazuya's throat that he'll never admit to making later. He finally manages to squirm away, but in the process, he lands a kick to the side of his duffel bag, and they both stop and look at each other when they hear his foot connect with glass. The sake.
With nothing short of a gleeful expression on his face, Jin reaches into the bag to pull out the bottle. “Good thinking bringing this along. Is it really smart to mix alcohol with fireworks, though?”
“I figured the alcohol would come after the fireworks, and wouldn't you know it, I was right.” Pulling the bag a little closer so he can peer inside, Kazuya wrinkles his nose and says, “Forgot to bring cups, though.”
“Then we can be real men and drink from the bottle.” Already unscrewing the cap, Jin raises the bottle to his lips and does exactly that.
Not to be outdone, Kazuya reaches out to take it from him. “My turn, wiseass.”
Jin hands it over, but with his eyebrow raised and his lips curled in the way that tells Kazuya he's not going to be able to take a drink without some sort of smart-alack comment being made at his expense. Sure enough, “I thought your mother said you were the 'good one.' No alcohol before twenty and all that. What would you have to say for yourself if she were here right now?”
Kazuya just raises the bottle and matches Jin's grin with one of his own. “I'd tell her, 'Happy independence day.'” He tips the bottle back and takes a mouthful before handing it back to Jin, wincing a little from the strength of it. “It's...” He trails off for a moment, smacking his lips a few times as he tries to come up with an appropriate adjective to describe the sensation of the liquor going down his throat and spreading throughout his stomach. “Strong, but...smooth?”
Jin nods in agreement and takes another swig. “Yeah, I don't really know a lot about it, but I hear the smoother, the better, so this must be a decent brand. I wonder if that means your parents like me,” he muses, examining the bottle to see if the label will give up any secrets about the price or the quality of the liquor held inside.
Across from him, Kazuya patiently waits his turn for round two, deciding he rather likes the warm feeling that seemed to coat the lining of his stomach after the first one. “I bet you anything they wouldn't if they knew we were out here doing this.”
The bottle changes hands again and Jin laughs. “Do you mean if they knew I was corrupting their one 'good' son by giving him his first real taste of alcohol, or if they knew that after this, we're going to have an even better time celebrating my birthday at the nearest seedy love hotel?”
“Mm, both, but you'd probably be forgiven for the drinking. Taking advantage of me and robbing me of the last semblance of my innocence? Not so much.” Throwing back another swig of sake, Kazuya swallows past the taste and focuses on the warmth the drink brings, which spreads outward this time, to his limbs and a bit to his brain. “Mm, feels good...”
“I'll take the fall for your drinking problem, you lush, but not for 'robbing you of your innocence,' or whatever. It's pretty hard to steal something willingly given, after all. And oi, pass the booze back before I lose my buzz!” Except instead of just getting the bottle, Jin ends up with a lap full of red-faced, giggling boyfriend. Pleased by this turn of events, he forgets about the sake for the time being and wraps his arms around Kazuya's waist to pull him a bit closer. “Well, hello there...”
It doesn't take Kazuya long to decide that Jin's sake-laced kisses are better than the shots of booze themselves, and if he could he'd drink all of that sweetness down until there was none left, because he feels like he could never get enough.
Of just straight shots of sake, though, it turns out that three is more than enough for him. There's only a little bit left in the bottle after Kazuya clearly surpasses his limits, so Jin tips his head back and drains it. By the time he sets the bottle aside, he feels the pleasant fuzziness that accompanies inebriation start to work its way into his brain, but he's not nearly as far gone as Kazuya, who's swaying back and forth in his lap and singing to himself.
Jin has no idea what it is he's singing about, but he decides it would be better if he had a partner. He knows the perfect song, too. “If I said, 'Do you love me?' would you say, 'Ye-oh!'?” He pauses for a moment. “Kazuya, you're supposed to say, 'Ye-oh!'!”
“Huh? Oh. Ye-oh!”
“Very good. If I said, 'Do you need me?' would you say, 'Ye-oh!'?”
“Ye-oh!”
“I'll keep you dry when the rain falls, 'cause I've never been so enthralled; don't know how. And I don't need nothin' else! Ooh~”
Kazuya's voice drops out when Jin starts to sing, a broad smile lighting up his flushed face and his body shaking with quiet giggles as Jin sways them in time to the beat. Suddenly, Jin's lips move closer, and Kazuya tenses, sighing pleasurably when every line of the chorus gets punctuated with a kiss to either his temple or the sensitive spot by his ear. It comes as quite a surprise, then, when Jin's strong voice starts to peter out towards the end.
“Is this real, or...are we drinking the love...? You got me...” When Jin finishes the line, his singing falters, and he says the final 'tipsy, baby' in a voice that sounds forlorn, bordering on heartbroken.
Kazuya opens his eyes. “'s pretty. Why'd you stop?”
For a long time, Jin doesn't speak-just wraps his arms around Kazuya and holds him tightly. “'m gonna miss you.”
When he hears the words leave Jin's lips, a heavy weight seems to settle on Kazuya's chest, and instantly, he feels as though some of the alcohol has evaporated from his bloodstream. Not quite enough of it, though, to feel completely coherent. “W-What?”
Jin's grip on him tightens a little bit, and he says, more insistently, “I'm gonna miss you. When I go home. I don't want to have to leave you.”
Kazuya lets this information wash over him, feeling reality trying to penetrate the pleasant haze of drunkenness. It's the subject they've been trying to avoid for weeks. They've said things in passing like, “After you go home,” and, “I'll miss you,” but they haven't talked about how Jin's leaving will affect them in terms of their relationship. Now, though, with plenty of alcohol in their systems to loosen their tongues, it seems they have no choice.
It's a struggle for Kazuya to think properly under the influence of the booze, everything he wants to say coming out half-formed and then vanishing before he can get his tongue and lips to shape the words, but eventually he manages to get out, “So...when you leave...'s that it? What...What're we gonna do?”
Instead of answering the question directly, Jin just buries his face in Kazuya's neck and says again, “I don't want to leave you,” as though expressing his dislike for the situation somehow dulls the pain that comes with the reminder that in just a few weeks, he'll have no choice but to do exactly that, possibly never coming back.
Kazuya doesn't see it that way at all. Jin's words and his hinting that they'll have to give up what they have strike him like a blow, one that forces him a bit farther back into sobriety. Deep down he knows the sting he's feeling is realization of the fact that he can't live in denial of what's going to happen anymore, but in his current state, he lacks the rationality to accept that. At the moment, it's easier to vent the deep hurt he's feeling as anger and betrayal. “So that's it, then? I gave you everything, and now it's just over?!”
The unfiltered fury in Kazuya's voice makes Jin freeze, hitting his nervous system like a cup of very strong coffee. He tries to be rational, to make Kazuya calm down and perhaps see the facts for what they are. “What did you think was going to happen? You knew I was going to have to leave.”
Except that rationality is very rarely an effective strategy for placating drunk people. “Yeah, but you don't have to be so casual about it, you asshole!” Kazuya fires back. “I can't believe you're dumping me like this! Fuck you!”
Even though he knows Kazuya's only saying those things because he's drunk, Jin still feels his temper rising in response to the abuse, and he starts to lose his cool, too. “Kazuya, that's the liquor talking. You think this is easy for me? It's not. I meant it when I said I love you, okay? Trust me, I wish it didn't have to end this way, but it's not like we really have a choice.” When no response comes forthright, he adds on, his voice weary with sadness and resignation, “Getting over you is going to be a bitch.”
When Kazuya finally does speak, it's obvious he's on the verge of tears. “I don't know if I can get over you,” he admits, pressing his face to Jin's shoulder. He can't hold the sobs back anymore, and his shoulders shake violently as he chokes out, “I love you so much...”
Suddenly, Jin feels like he understands a bit better. Kazuya's never gotten his heart broken like this before, and tears prick at his own eyes when he realizes he's going to have to be his first for that, too. Their tears mingle as Jin pulls Kazuya's head away from his shoulder to press their cheeks together, tangling his fingers tightly in his hair and whispering, “I'm so sorry,” in his ear over and over again.
They keep holding each other like that long after their tears dry, and they can't think of much to say to each other after that, either, so they stay there in silence until Kazuya's curfew approaching gives them a reason to go back. By the time they reach the house, the effects of the alcohol have worn off to the point where they can sneak in and upstairs without incident, but the mood between them remains rather frigid. There's a sad sort of longing in their eyes as they get ready for bed, but not enough to bridge the gap between their futons. There doesn't seem to be much of a point anymore.
~*~*~*~
It's not a feeling that fades by the time they wake up the following morning, but they're able to talk about it a bit more (this time calmly and rationally) as they nurse their alcohol-induced headaches. There's still nothing they can do to change the situation they've created for themselves, but they agree there's no point in spending their whole last month together moping about it if the circumstances are beyond their control. In the end, they decide to delay the moment of final separation as long as possible so they can continue to take comfort in each other's presence until the very end. There's nothing either of them can say or do to heal the deep ache they're both feeling deep down, but being able to sit in silence and hold each other helps take the edge off, at least for a little while. They both go down to breakfast very late that day.
Try as they might, with every passing day, it gets harder to act normally. Kazuya in particular feels rather helpless watching Jin start processing the paperwork to leave the country and packing his suitcases on top of studying for his second semester finals. He tries to help out as much as he can, even when his body aches with fatigue from his own grueling schedule and he wants nothing more than to fall into bed, but he never lasts long before the sadness gets to be too much and he has to stop.
He tries hard not to cry about it in front of Jin after that first horrible time, but he can't hold his feelings at bay when he's alone. One afternoon when Jin's out of the house, he sneaks upstairs to slip a grammatically correct version of 'care' into one of the pockets of Jin's carry-on bag, and seeing his belongings all packed up, his presence limited to a single corner of the room they've shared for the last ten months, he breaks down and lets it all out. This ends up happening several more times, and after a while, it gets to the point where he can't stand to be in their room alone.
The nights aren't much better, but at least then they have each other. They pass hours holding onto each other in the darkness, neither able to fall asleep. Their hands are never idle, ghosting over each other's skin in caresses that are intimate, but not overtly sexual, and mouths soon follow suit. They touch each other as though trying to leave permanent imprints on each other's flesh, and they end up breaking their unspoken rule of no marks on nights that follow particularly difficult days, when tear tracks join the path of lips and fingers over skin. Never has the need to conceal their relationship from Kazuya's family felt more stifling, intensifying the ache instead of soothing it when they have to stifle groans and cries behind pillows and clenched fists.
The day before Jin's set to leave, they escape the confines of the house for a love hotel, where they lay their emotions and their bodies bare as they say their final farewells. Spending the whole afternoon there burns a deep hole in both of their wallets, but Kazuya wouldn't take back those long hours of holding and loving Jin for anything. Feeling the lingering burn and knowing his body bears the evidence of Jin's scorching touch when he wakes up the following morning makes him feel as though he's still in the other's strong embrace. That and Jin's pinky subtly brushing his in the small space between their seats help keep him sane on the long car ride to the airport.
When they pull over to the curb to help Jin gather his belongings and say their final goodbyes, Kazuya resolves not to start crying, but he can't swallow down the lump in his throat when he hears his mother and Yuya sniff tellingly and he sees the glassy look in Jin's eyes as he hugs them both in turn. He manages to hold off until after his father steps forward to offer Jin a handshake, but then he all but runs into his arms, and he doesn't care what his family reads into it when he wraps his arms tightly around his shoulders and tells him in a choked voice that he'll miss him. Jin rubs at his back absently, assuring him they'll be able to talk on Facebook and Skype, but it sounds hollow to both of them for reasons only they understand. Both wanting to get through the farewell with their emotions under control, they don't linger long in the embrace, and Kazuya hurries back into the car soon after Jin turns away to gather his luggage so he won't have to see his retreating back disappear into the terminal.
He doesn't think he's fooling anyone by feigning sleep on the way home to hide his tears, but his family acknowledges his distress by giving him the space he needs. When they arrive back at the house, they let him go to the batting cages without question, and he hits balls for hours until his hands shake from fatigue instead of pent-up emotion. He doesn't go home again until after dark, but his mother's in the kitchen waiting for him with a plate of leftovers from dinner. As much as he wants to wolf his meal down and go straight upstairs to bed, his resolve falters when a gentle hand wraps around his wrist to pull him back. “It's okay to be sad,” she says, wrapping her arms around him. “I miss him, too. We all do.”
Kazuya wants to tell her she has no idea how he feels, but all that comes out when he tries to speak is a choked sob, and suddenly he's clinging to her and crying his heart out like he did when he was six years old and the first best friend he ever made moved away. Warm, slightly wrinkled hands work their way through his hair long after his tears stop, and it's only when she urges him to try and get some sleep that he feels like he can. When he gets upstairs, he locks the door out of habit and curls up in Jin's futon, burying his nose in the pillowcase that still smells like him. Vaguely, he wonders if Jin's the type of person who finds sleep easily, even on airplanes, or if maybe he's not the only one laying awake.
His mother does laundry the following morning in preparation for Kōji's return, but even as Kazuya loses that particular comfort, he finds a better one in Kōji himself, who, after they all retire following a feast to celebrate his homecoming, doesn't question Kazuya's hesitant request to join him in his futon. Surrounded by the scent of clean sheets and the comforting warmth of the brother he's always been closest with, Kazuya listens intently as Kōji confides in him all of the things about his time abroad he hadn't been able to tell their parents at dinner-of lots of booze making it easier to practice his English, the occasional experiment with stronger substances in the company of friends, how LA clubs are different from those in Tokyo (which is to say that they're much, much better), homesickness, losing weight after getting sick from eating bad sushi and later gaining it from frequent trips to McDonald's... His eyes go soft as he talks at length about the girl whose apartment he'd ended up moving into and the diamond ring he'd left behind on her dresser the morning he'd gone to the airport. “She said yes,” he admits, his eyes shining with excitement and happiness in the darkness.
When he says that he plans to tell their parents in the morning that the family will be becoming more international soon, Kazuya thinks of Jin, and a secretive little smile comes to his face that doesn't go unnoticed.
“So what have you been up to while I've been away, little brother?” Kōji asks, his tone turning teasing and curious in response to the look in Kazuya's eyes. “Anything exciting?”
With a bit of gentle coaxing, Kazuya ends up telling his brother the whole story, mentioning his and Jin's awkward beginnings, the missteps, the struggles Jin faced as an exchange student, and of the love that ended up blossoming between them. Kōji proves to be a very receptive audience, and not just because he'd experienced most of it himself in his own time abroad. The way he doesn't even blink an eye at Jin's gender, instead delighting in Kazuya's retelling of the many happy moments between him and Jin and holding him close when the reminder of how they'd had to part reminds Kazuya why he's always felt closest to Kōji out of all of his brothers.
His face tucked comfortably in the crook of his brother's neck, Kazuya listens to Kōji's deep, soothing voice as he muses, “I wonder if Amy knows Jin, or if she doesn't, if she can seek him out somehow. They go to the same school, after all. That might be a good way to make sure the two of you can stay in touch.”
It's then that Kazuya remembers Jin's promise to get set up on Skype, and he relays his concerns to his brother that he hasn't heard anything from him yet, even though his plane should have long since landed in LA, to which Kōji responds, “I wouldn't worry too much. He's probably still trying to get re-acclimated. Give him some time.”
Kazuya does, and yet still no word from Jin comes. He's never been one to spend an exorbitant amount of time on the computer, but he begins checking Facebook and Skype religiously to see if Jin's been online at all, only to turn up nothing each time. A few more days pass, and he starts checking news sites to see if there have been any headlines of a plane en-route to Los Angeles from Tokyo crashing into the ocean. Thankfully, he finds none of those, either, but it only brings a little relief to the deep unease he's feeling. A bit longer, and he starts to lose both hope and direction. Baseball starts to become a chore-long days of practices and games in the worst heat of the summer, followed by even longer nights. LA starts to infiltrate his dreams. He's never been there, so he has no idea what the city actually looks like, but the landscape doesn't matter nearly as much as what he sees in the foreground-seas of moving bodies illuminated by multicolored, flashing lights, Jin dancing with stunningly beautiful blonde girls, touching them first with his hands and his hips and later his mouth. Kazuya wakes up with tears running down his face from his dreams sometimes, and when he makes enough noise to rouse Kōji, his older brother sits up with him, giving him comfort and advice until he feels like he can fall asleep again.
This happens far too often for Kazuya's liking, though. He wants to get past the time he spent with Jin so he can move on and not have to hurt anymore. Kōji's response to that, though, is, “Who says you have to get past it? If you want something, you have to go after it while you still have the chance to. And if he loved you as much as you loved him, I bet you he still does just as much as you do. That's not something that's easy to move on from. There's got to be some way the two of you can still be together.” But Kazuya doesn't know what to do to achieve that, either, so he keeps going about as though in limbo.
When an anonymous flier gets mailed to the house at the tail-end of August, it feels a bit like fate.
Final Part