Not even cold comfort. (Vignette)
Phara's death is the catalyst, but there's not a lot of actually dealing with that there situation. Just Jaeyi's reaction to continued enforced emotional impotence and unavailability. Not too angsty, I don't think, but my emotional barometer might be a little out of whack.
There was a little twinge of guilt behind Jaeyi's sorrow. She felt sad to hear about Phara's death, sure, and she felt really bad for the baby that didn't have a mom now, but she wasn't crying for either of those. Curled up under her covers where it was dark and warm and humid and no one but Sugar had to know about it, she was crying for the same selfish reason: she couldn't go to T'rev no matter how much she wanted to.
This time, she very nearly had. Would have, even, no matter how much the alarm bells went off in the back of her mind. 'Taking care of him' is going to sound like a euphemism, you know. Someone will talk. It'll get back to the wrong pair of ears. You'll have to answer for it. And no one, least of all that damn Journeyman, is going to believe you. All this while she fidgeted helplessly in her room, briefly wondering where Kaida was-- level-headed Kaida who could at least tell her for sure whether or not she was totally nuts one way or the other.
How did you risk your knot because the man you loved lost his friend?
How did you not go to the man you loved while he grieved?
Howcome there was no simple, straightforward answer to this?
Sugar twittered around in a similarly nervous fashion, picking up the vibe, croak-chirruping questioningly from where he perched on Kay's pillow. For whatever reason, that little questioning sound set Jaeyi into motion. She was not, was not going to sit in here and be selfishly miserable while someone she cared about was in pain. It was stupid.
She would find him, she would make sure he was some place smart and safe and quiet and not doing something stupid like drinking and being depressed and feeling guilty, she would put him to bed and hold him and listen to him and pet his curls and keep him talking till he exhausted himself, and she would stay until the morning when he would surely be a lot better even by himself. She just had to find...
Jaeyi retreated behind a corner, just peeking around the edge of it to see Kaida helping a very obviously drunk T'rev out of the Fountain, and-- for a second-- she felt a horrible pang that was such a mixture of emotions that she wasn't sure which one was the best one or the worst one. A tiny part of it was envy, because Kaida could get away with it and she couldn't. And also relief, because someone was taking care of him, and he wasn't all by himself somewhere. Regret, one more time she couldn't be with him when she wanted to, needed to. Sadness-- he hurt, and so she hurt some, too. Frustration, it was still so stupid.
Finally, when they were gone and she could peel herself away from the wall that felt nice and cool against her shoulders, she retraced her steps back to her own room and curled up under the covers. Kaida would be gone all night, she figured, so she could let a few guilt-free sniffles go if she wanted to.
Like so many things lately, Jaeyi would just keep it to herself; it wouldn't help anything for her to complain about stuff no one could change.
There was a little twinge of guilt behind Jaeyi's sorrow. She felt sad to hear about Phara's death, sure, and she felt really bad for the baby that didn't have a mom now, but she wasn't crying for either of those. Curled up under her covers where it was dark and warm and humid and no one but Sugar had to know about it, she was crying for the same selfish reason: she couldn't go to T'rev no matter how much she wanted to.
This time, she very nearly had. Would have, even, no matter how much the alarm bells went off in the back of her mind. 'Taking care of him' is going to sound like a euphemism, you know. Someone will talk. It'll get back to the wrong pair of ears. You'll have to answer for it. And no one, least of all that damn Journeyman, is going to believe you. All this while she fidgeted helplessly in her room, briefly wondering where Kaida was-- level-headed Kaida who could at least tell her for sure whether or not she was totally nuts one way or the other.
How did you risk your knot because the man you loved lost his friend?
How did you not go to the man you loved while he grieved?
Howcome there was no simple, straightforward answer to this?
Sugar twittered around in a similarly nervous fashion, picking up the vibe, croak-chirruping questioningly from where he perched on Kay's pillow. For whatever reason, that little questioning sound set Jaeyi into motion. She was not, was not going to sit in here and be selfishly miserable while someone she cared about was in pain. It was stupid.
She would find him, she would make sure he was some place smart and safe and quiet and not doing something stupid like drinking and being depressed and feeling guilty, she would put him to bed and hold him and listen to him and pet his curls and keep him talking till he exhausted himself, and she would stay until the morning when he would surely be a lot better even by himself. She just had to find...
Jaeyi retreated behind a corner, just peeking around the edge of it to see Kaida helping a very obviously drunk T'rev out of the Fountain, and-- for a second-- she felt a horrible pang that was such a mixture of emotions that she wasn't sure which one was the best one or the worst one. A tiny part of it was envy, because Kaida could get away with it and she couldn't. And also relief, because someone was taking care of him, and he wasn't all by himself somewhere. Regret, one more time she couldn't be with him when she wanted to, needed to. Sadness-- he hurt, and so she hurt some, too. Frustration, it was still so stupid.
Finally, when they were gone and she could peel herself away from the wall that felt nice and cool against her shoulders, she retraced her steps back to her own room and curled up under the covers. Kaida would be gone all night, she figured, so she could let a few guilt-free sniffles go if she wanted to.
Like so many things lately, Jaeyi would just keep it to herself; it wouldn't help anything for her to complain about stuff no one could change.