Why...
...can't i ask for help?
Why do i feel so helpless?
Why do i have to work so hard at being chirpy and cheerful and bright?
Why don't i feel that i can be sad in front of my friends?
Why don't i feel that i can get angry?
I think the truth is, I don't like myself very much. I'm convinced that if i give in to the occasional bout of misery (which isn't so much a problem, as those who have mopped up recent tears can attest) and anger (ooo boy, now there's the rub) that my friends will not like me anymore.
This doesn't sound like i think much of my friends, so i apologise. It's not that at all. It really is ME. If i examine things logically, I know that my friends love me for who i am. I know that friends worth having will forgive the occasional angry outburst/frustrated rant, even if it happens to be directed at them. My friends have not once given me cause to believe this. This is entirely my own problem. I grew it all by myself.
I feel indebted to my friends for liking me, as if i am some sort of tumour, goodnaturedly dragged around by them. My affection and regard for them translates in my head as worthless.
I have great difficulty phoning people because i fret about irritating them, or disturbing them. I'm constantly fighting the urge, while writing this, to delete it, or at the very least, apologise effusively for daring to unburden myself.
Basically it all comes down to plain, old-fashioned self esteem issues. Yaaawn. How boring.
Going against every fibre in my body, I do not apologise for this post. If you've read this far, I hope you've gained some understanding of my poor wee silly brain. If you have, could you let me in on it?
Now i'll try and cheer me up before Christmas.
With love,
xxx
P.S. Just found out today that my ex-fiance was once committed to a secure unit. Nothing like knowing your ex is less sane than you are to make you feel better about yourself. At least i've not been locked up - not without asking nicely, anyway...
Why do i feel so helpless?
Why do i have to work so hard at being chirpy and cheerful and bright?
Why don't i feel that i can be sad in front of my friends?
Why don't i feel that i can get angry?
I think the truth is, I don't like myself very much. I'm convinced that if i give in to the occasional bout of misery (which isn't so much a problem, as those who have mopped up recent tears can attest) and anger (ooo boy, now there's the rub) that my friends will not like me anymore.
This doesn't sound like i think much of my friends, so i apologise. It's not that at all. It really is ME. If i examine things logically, I know that my friends love me for who i am. I know that friends worth having will forgive the occasional angry outburst/frustrated rant, even if it happens to be directed at them. My friends have not once given me cause to believe this. This is entirely my own problem. I grew it all by myself.
I feel indebted to my friends for liking me, as if i am some sort of tumour, goodnaturedly dragged around by them. My affection and regard for them translates in my head as worthless.
I have great difficulty phoning people because i fret about irritating them, or disturbing them. I'm constantly fighting the urge, while writing this, to delete it, or at the very least, apologise effusively for daring to unburden myself.
Basically it all comes down to plain, old-fashioned self esteem issues. Yaaawn. How boring.
Going against every fibre in my body, I do not apologise for this post. If you've read this far, I hope you've gained some understanding of my poor wee silly brain. If you have, could you let me in on it?
Now i'll try and cheer me up before Christmas.
With love,
xxx
P.S. Just found out today that my ex-fiance was once committed to a secure unit. Nothing like knowing your ex is less sane than you are to make you feel better about yourself. At least i've not been locked up - not without asking nicely, anyway...