[In his Care] Chapter 75 ~part 2
Jin’s chin rested on his shoulder as the boy mumbled into his ear, “You’re the most important person in the world to me. I’d do anything for you.”
He pulled back enough to meet Jin’s eyes and the leader smiled at him.
“Especially massage you.” Jin added, taking the oil into one hand and tugging him up from the couch with the other, leading him into the next room. “There’s more space here. Lie down. I’ll do your back.”
Kame instinctively grabbed for his shirt, not about to let it be taken off of him as he was seated on the bed in front of Jin, who crooked and lifted a hand to the lowest buttons on his shirt, undoing them and the ones all the way up to where his hand was gripping the fabric hard.
With another warm smile Jin gently pushed him down to lie on his back and Kame did so a bit unwillingly and he felt oiled hands run over his belly, as lips kissed his skin, his bellybutton…then climbing up to reach his again lips, Jin hovered too closely above him, hands still running over his naked skin and in under his shirt that practically didn’t cover anything anymore…
He breathed hard against Jin’s lips before they covered his own and he could barely focus on the kiss, too occupied with what Jin’s hands were doing and even more occupied with the thought of what they would be doing if he let this go on, but how could he stop it? He had made Jin wait for so long and even brought this upon himself by making promises he didn’t know if he could keep.
He tensed, reason failing him and panic starting to take over instead. He had told Jin he felt they were going too fast, why was Jin still pushing it? His body stiffened and stiffened, and unfortunately for them both it was in all the wrong places, but that didn’t make Jin stop.
He gasped for air as Jin’s lips released his and then he was grabbed by the hips.
Lips caressed his neck before a lustful voice whispered into his ear, “Roll over.”
Kame froze, not about to obey, so instead Jin’s grip on his hips grew stronger and he was flipped over without a second warning.
For a few split seconds he wasn’t in this bedroom any longer, instead he saw bars and a felt in front of him.
“No!” he let out, pushing away what he was convinced at the moment was his attacker and not his boyfriend and he managed to turn around only to come into view with a surprised looking Jin, tumbled over onto one side.
The realization of having lost control once again slowly grew upon him and he could barely meet Jin’s eyes. How could he have let his guard down and let Jin see him react like this again?
He hurried up from the bed.
“Wow, it’s okay.” Jin tried to calm him down, but Kame was everything but calm. More than freaked he was frustrated.
It wasn’t okay! Things were bad! He kept telling himself he could change and get better, but that wasn’t happening!
“Kame.” Jin said, trying to reach for him, but as Kame saw that he instinctively pulled back, stumbling into the table behind him in a very undignified manner. His behaviour made Jin decide not to try to come close right now and instead the leader sat back down onto the bed, keeping a distance to him. “It’s okay, I’ll stay here.”
Kame felt so stupid and he hated the most that Jin had seen it all. He had tried to get better alone and hide as much of this as possible from their relationship, now all his efforts were ruined by him already having reacted the way he did and he felt he couldn’t stop and calm down. He was shaking too much and he wasn’t thinking clearly. There was nothing he could do to save the situation anymore.
Tears welled up in his eyes.
“No, it’s not.” he managed to let out. “Don’t say that.”
Jin looked like he wanted to say something, but remained silent as the older boy probably knew whatever Kame would hear right now, any encouraging words, wouldn’t convince him.
“I thought I could do this…that maybe if I tried really hard I might reverse back to my old self, but that’s not happening.” Kame continued. “I’ve changed. I’ve been trying to ignore it and I’ve been trying to go on like always before, telling myself to be optimistic, but all along I’ve known it would end up like this! It’s pointless…”
Suddenly the ring felt like it was suffocating him again and he hurried to take it off his finger.
“I’m not going to continue with this so-called relationship any longer.” he stated. “I’ve been trying to leave you all day, but I never got the words out because I didn’t want to hurt you, yet I knew that I was dragging it out for nothing! I can’t do it. I can’t do it with you! Whatever we had is over! Maybe we never even had anything and I was just delusional since I can’t get over the past and I can’t remember how I felt for you. Maybe I never did.”
Jin didn’t reply and Kame had to turn around to continue talking so he couldn’t see the hurt in Jin’s eyes.
“I don’t know what love is and I had no right to tell you I loved you either of the times I said it.” he added. “Obviously I was mistaken. Or then I didn’t love you enough as I forgot all about it. Either way I-”
His rant died instantly upon one glance at the silent boy on the bed. The sight of tears running down Jin’s cheeks rendered him truly speechless and he just stood there, having never before felt this dumbfounded.
Jin briefly met his gaze as he had stopped talking.
“What?” the older boy asked, voice weak in a way Kame had never heard it before and he discovered that this was a pain his heart had never experienced before caused upon seeing Jin cry. “You don’t think I feel lousy too?”
Kame couldn’t reply and he just watched Jin brush the tears off with the back of his hand before getting up and walking towards the door when stopping, as if wavering on what to do and Kame would definitely like to influence on that decision.
Wait! He could get that out, but it was all he could think. He hadn’t meant what he had said.
To his surprise Jin didn’t leave, but instead turned around and the next thing Kame knew arms embraced him tightly and he felt tears on his shoulder.
“I wish I was a better person. That way I wouldn’t have done what I did to you when we met.” Jin’s voice, still so different than he was used to, said into his ear. “I’ve done some bad things in the past, but I’ve never regretted any of it. No matter what anyone else or the society thought about it, I’ve selfishly lived the way I wanted to. But I regret what I did to you. I regret it. I want to take it back.”
The arms tightened further around him, but Kame wasted no thoughts on panicking now.
“Forgive me, Kazu-chan.” Jin whispered, wondering silently why he had never been able to say those words before. Somewhere deep inside he had always known he had wronged the smaller boy. “I’ll do anything you want, so please don’t say I broke you.”
But the truth was probably that he had broken his favorite toy in prison. He had played too much with it.
“I can’t undo what I did. Nothing I can do can make up for what I did to you. I know that, but please…” Jin continued. “Fall in love with me again. Tell me you’ve really loved me all along.”
Kame carefully settled his arms around Jin.
I do love you. Somehow he didn’t doubt it anymore and this was the last situation he thought he would understand that.
He wished he had found the voice to speak, but he still couldn’t even think clearly. He had never seen Jin like this before. Jin had never let his guard down like this and shown him such a vulnerable side. Kame had almost been convinced Jin never did with anyone.
Had his words hurt Jin that much? Kame felt that it was hard to even swallow right now, as he could recall all those times Jin had hurt him to the point of tears with words or actions. Now he had done it to Jin. Was this how bad Jin had always felt saying such things?
As neither one of their feet seemed steady anymore to carry them, they sat down on the bed and still in each other’s embrace they ended up lying there together in an oddly comfortable manner.
“Can I stay like this tonight?” Jin asked then, face still buried somewhere against his shoulder and Kame could only nod, brushing his hand through Jin’s soft hair.
He didn’t mind it one bit and it was the weirdest feeling, as they fell asleep that night, how Jin still clung onto him as if his life depended on it and he was the one consoling the other boy.
~*~*~*~
Jin had left the next morning when he woke up.
Kame could only vaguely remember the feeling of losing the closeness and the warmth that had surrounded him all night and through half-open eyes, with eyelids that had threatened to shut any second, he had seen Jin’s face studying his. Fingers had run through his hair before the weight on the bed had disappeared and the front door had opened and closed.
Jin was still in a daze over the events of the previous night, as he walked down the stairs to Toma and Yamapi’s apartment.
When was the last time he had cried in front of someone else? In high school, when he had sat together with his entire gang by a table trying to figure out what they were supposed to do with their lives? They had known then that they had no place in this world and that it meant they would be ripped apart from their families. He had never wanted the same for Kame, but it seemed he only brought the boy one misery after another.
He knew he had been pushing Kame too fast. Just like Kame he had lost control over his body and now Kame wanted nothing to do with him. He was a lousy boyfriend.
“Congrats!!” was the greeting he got as he opened the door to the apartment he was currently staying in.
Before him stood two grinning gang mates…rival gang mates.
“Huh?” he mumbled, totally lost as if to why they were congratulating him and he slipped out of his shoes.
“You were away all night~” Toma said, a certain tone in his voice.
“Were you with Kame-chan?” Yamapi teased.
Jin hung his jacket. “We didn’t sleep together.”
“Then what did you do?” Yamapi asked, slightly disappointed.
“We…slept together without sleeping together.” Jin replied, making his best friend frown and send him a weird look.
Toma shrugged. “One out of two is good.” he encouraged.
“I’m tired, I’m going to sleep.” Jin informed, making his way past the two gangsters and straight to the couch.
“How can you be tired if nothing happened and you just slept together without sleeping together?” Yamapi asked behind him, but today not even his best friend could tick him off.
That day Jin didn’t eat at the diner. Kame’s shift was nearly over and Jin hadn’t showed up.
It stung inside of him at the thought of not getting to apologize to Jin. He had kept checking his phone a dozens times each hour, but Jin hadn’t called or mailed him. Instead he had found to his surprise ‘happy birthday’ messages from practically all the Johnny’s and some SM gangs too.
What a birthday it had been. He hugged the jewellery under his shirt, wishing he could turn back the clock to his birthday two years ago. He wished he had the courage to call Jin.
Kame wiped the counter a little harder, seeing how it suddenly started raining outside. Great the day was just getting better and better. How could it rain at this time of the year? Come to think of it, it had rained also around Christmas…maybe it was common in Korea that it rained more than it snowed even in winter.
It kept raining as he had changed clothes and he cursed his luck for not having an umbrella with him, but he hadn’t imagined needing one. Maybe it would stop if he waited for a while, so that’s what Kame did just outside the door to the diner under the small roof, but the rain didn’t cease to pour down from the sky and possibly even grew stronger by the minute.
Suddenly he saw a man walking in the middle of the street, not bothered at all by the weather. Kame didn’t have to guess twice who it was as his eyes fell onto cane the person swayed every now and then. Memories of the shower incident crossed his mind and Kame shut them out, hoping Rain would just pass him by, but he should’ve known better than to trust his luck as the man stopped by him.
Kame stepped aside, as if to give room for the man to enter the diner, but Rain remained on the outside.
“Kame-chan.” the Korean man said and Kame forced himself to meet the other one’s eyes. He was a little surprised Rain wasn’t calling him ‘Akanishi’s boy’ or something of the like anymore. “Don’t tell me I missed your shift.”
“Just barely.” Kame replied.
“You look a little blue.” Rain commented.
“It’s the weather.” Kame offered as an explanation.
“Oh, and here I thought it was because of your boyfriend.” Rain said and Kame shot him a surprised look. “Did he touch you once too much and you two had a fight?”
Kame couldn’t believe Rain would know that and he crossed his arms in front of his chest, feeling a little more secure that way.
“I just knew it.” Rain said. “I’ve watched you from afar for quite some time now, so I think I have you and your relationship pretty much figured out.”
“You don’t know me.” Kame retorted.
“You don’t know yourself.” Rain shot back. “That’s why you’re so close to breaking up with him…” the man added, giving his expression another glance. “Or have you already?”
“Why don’t you just mind your own business!” Kame exploded.
“I touched a nerve there, I see.” Rain chuckled and the laughter just made Kame fume even more.
“You think you can profile me completely?” Kame continued to rant. “I have not broken up with Jin even though I would’ve broken up with anyone else in his position by now, so have you ever thought that it might be because I lo-”
He realized in the midsentence that he should probably not continue. He was most likely just giving Rain what the Korean man wanted by getting affected by the man’s words.
“You do?” Rain said with another chuckle. “I’m sure Jin would be pleased to hear that, but I’ve got a feeling you’re not going to tell him that anytime soon.”
Kame gritted his teeth together.
“You have an odd way of loving someone else.” Rain added. “Are you trying to protect him or yourself by keeping everything to yourself? In other words, do you love him too much to date him the way you are now or are you so consumed by fear that you’re just trying to break up with him to save yourself? I think I know the answer to that one.”
“Don’t tell me who I am and who I like or do not like!” Kame exploded again, briefly wondering why the Korean man was making his bad day even worse, and he turned away from the other one in a clear gesture that he was about to ignore Rain.
“Is this guy bothering you?” another voice suddenly came from a small distance to them and Kame snapped his head to look at Se7en walking over to them with an umbrella. Right then the embarrassing shower memory from yesterday seemed so far in the past and he was happy to see the other Korean man.
The two Korean men’s eyes met for a few long seconds as Se7en stopped in between him and Rain.
“I just knew you were here as it started raining.” Se7en said to Rain and Kame really wished he understood Korean better. He was getting more and more motivated to study harder. “You’re soaked. Go in and have a coffee. It’s my turn.”
The only thing Kame caught was ‘coffee’ and Rain gave the other Korean man a meaningful look before entering the cafeteria.
“Were you on your way home?” Se7en asked, turning to Kame then. “I can walk you there.”
“I’m fine.” Kame replied. He wished people would stop treating him like a girl, but as he wasn’t behaving like a gangster Kame guessed that was what he resembled the most in the eyes of the gangsters.
“I insist.” Se7en said and Kame didn’t see any point in arguing, as he was too tired to anyway, so he set to walk. Se7en caught up with him pretty fast, holding the umbrella over him. “Something wrong? You seem on the edge.”
“I just hurt the person I care about the most and found out how I seem to be unable to make him happy, thus being unable to make myself happy either, otherwise I’m great.” Kame muttered in a reply, slightly hating himself for sounding so snappy when Se7en didn’t deserve it.
The man suddenly cut off his path. “So leave him.”
“What…are you talking about?” Kame asked and the other man leaned closer to him.
“Break up with him.” Se7en said with a small shrug.
Kame wondered if he hadn’t already. That’s why he needed to talk with Jin before it was too late. He knew he should just leave it like this and let Jin move on, but he wanted so badly to patch it up with the older boy.
“If it’s meant to be then you two will eventually figure out a way to be together.” Se7en said. “Otherwise you’re just wasting the time you could spend with people, whom you could also feel a connection with.”
Kame didn’t want to listen to something like that right now.
“People like me.” Se7en added before Kame could walk past him and Kame looked up in surprise at the man. “We have a something going on, don’t we? Even fate seems to be on our side.”
“But you…you said it was best to stay away from me…” Kame said.
“It’s too late for that.” Se7en replied and Kame eyed in confusion the man who leaned into him. “Now I am trying to get into your pants. Now you can get worried.”
There was a flash of just that on Kame’s features as the words sunk into him and he slowly returned Se7en’s gaze, backing away from the player.
“Why?” he could only think of asking and Se7en smiled.
“Have you looked yourself in the mirror lately?” the man asked. “I want you to know from the start what’s going on and not only because it’s more challenging for me that way, but also because you don’t have only one player after you. Rain and me…we made a bet over you.”
“How could you?” Kame asked, taking another step backwards. “How could you make a bet over me?”
“Why are you so surprised? I told you the first time I met you, I’m a player.” the older man said, taking a step closer as Kame tried to retreat, holding the umbrella out for him. “I thought you were adorable ever since that night we met in the club. Had you not been in love with another man I would’ve started something already back then. Instead I’ve warned you to stay away from me, but you haven’t. You’ve kept showing up everywhere I’ve gone.”
“I haven’t meant to!” Kame protested, feeling a wet wall behind him.
“Your constant presence in my life finally made me take the bait. I’m touched if you thought we had some kind of an understanding and that we were friends or something.” Se7en said, laying a hand beside his head. “Seems as if you trusted that a bit.”
Yeah, he was very well aware of the fact that he was too trusting sometimes. He should be that with Jin instead.
“Don’t look at me like that.” Se7en chuckled. “Did you really think I was a nice guy? That if I had had the chance to have you I wouldn’t have taken you?”
Kame broke apart, starting to walk as fast as he could.
“From now on whenever we meet you can bet your ass I’ll be the one to have set it up.” Se7en said and Kame had to stop and listen. “Have fun being players’ prey for the first time in your life.”
Kame hurried away, not caring about the rain anymore and he left Se7en standing alone on the street under the umbrella.
Kame didn’t breathe out in relief before he was back inside the building, but instead of rushing to his apartment he found himself standing in front of Yamapi and Toma’s door, yet he couldn’t bring himself to knock.
Jin probably didn’t want to see him otherwise Jin had stayed until he had woken up. Besides he was soaked so he probably looked like wet rat.
Frustrated, Kame forced himself to return to his apartment, hoping for Jin to show up at the diner the next day instead, but Jin never did. Thankfully enough neither of the two Koreans did either.
~*~*~*~
Jin’s somewhat peaceful slumber was cruelly interrupted by Yamapi flopping himself onto a free spot on the couch, kicking his feet to the side to make more room for himself.
“What do you want?” Jin gritted out between his teeth, irritated.
“Get up, get a beer from the fridge, then sit down and tell me what happened.” Yamapi said while opening the bottle he had in his hands. “You know you will anyway. I’m tired of seeing you mope.”
Jin slowly managed to drag himself to the kitchen, returning then moments later with a beer and flopping himself next to Yamapi.
“So?” Yamapi said, as Jin had taken a first swig and Jin found it pointless to refuse, as he did want to get this off his chest.
“He said he wanted to date me seriously. We had had such a nice day and the mood was great when we returned back to the apartment. We were hugging, he even kissed me, so I thought that had broken the ice and then I…” Jin said, trailing off.
“You pushed your luck.” Yamapi finished for him and Jin sunk into the cushions.
“I’m not leaving this apartment for a week~” he groaned, drinking on his beer in a depressive manner. “I like dating him, I like the excitement of never knowing when things might reach the next level, but when he does something like he did that night, hugging me and kissing me out of the blue, he pushes the right buttons and I want to jump over a few levels. I can’t wait any longer. I’m losing control. I’m the worst boyfriend ever!”
Yamapi thought it was the first time he had seen Jin this little in control over himself and the opponent - that had usually been a prey not a boyfriend. Even though Kame-chan had traumas that made those two’s relationship unique from every challenge Jin had ever faced, for being such a slut Jin had never had problems in waiting before.
“I need to take a few days to cool my head off. I can’t see him now or I’ll do something stupid.” Jin sighed, the bottle barely leaving his lips before Jin drank again. “I’m so tired, Pi. This is exhausting.”
Yamapi definitely agreed on that one. “You need to stop being like this.”
“Don’t I know it.” Jin replied. “But my body moves on its own accord sometimes. Damn it, that has never happened with any of my preys, but Kame isn’t one and I know exactly what he feels like and…I need to stop thinking like that!”
“No, that’s not what I meant.” Yamapi corrected. “You need to stop behaving like this.”
“Like what?” Jin asked and Yamapi gave him a meaningful look.
“I barely recognize you these days.” Yamapi said. “It’s like you’ve sunk to the bottom level of a player.”
“While thank you, that’s so comforting right now.” Jin muttered back.
“You were the one not reading him right that night because you’re too busy putting on a show for him.” Yamapi pointed out and Jin crossed his arms, as in a gesture that he was demanding an explanation to that accusation and Yamapi did give him what he was asking for, “You don’t know how to date, so you try to be the perfect boyfriend and that’s why you’re not making it work with him. He’s not dating the real you, you’re holding it back for him to see.”
“I’m not holding back the true me.” Jin replied.
“Yes, you are.” Yamapi insisted. “I know who you are. And he’s not stupid. This isn’t you and he knows that too. He might not have been in your life for as long as I have, he might not know everything about your past or what your favorite color is, but he knows your urges, he’s lived with you! That good guy routine you’re getting exhausted over while trying to uphold isn’t fooling him! He knows there’s more to it! He knows that no matter what you say you want in between his legs and that’s why he can’t relate to what you’re trying so hard to be now…for his sake. You’re not being honest towards yourself either.”
“I like dating him.” Jin said. “I like the fact that we’re just starting out. I’m not all about sex.”
“No, not all, but it’s high on the list of your favorite hobbies.” Yamapi retorted.
“So what do you want me to do? Let myself loose and jump him?” Jin shot back.
“Admit that you want to.” Yamapi said.
“I’ve admitted that plenty of times.” Jin said.
“To him, idiot, not to me.” Yamapi sighed. “Can’t you see what’s happening? If you keep this up he’ll never come to terms with himself. Don’t think I don’t know why you’re trying so hard to be the nice boy next door.”
“Technically, I am the boy next door.” Jin pointed out.
“He doesn’t trust you and you won’t win his trust like this.” Yamapi said, amazed at how surprised Jin looked as he heard that. Jin wasn’t really as stupid to think a show like that would make Kame trust him. “He will never trust you unless you show him everything you are. Can’t you see what’s happening? He’s falling into the same pattern as before. If he does, he’ll have to go through this whole thing again.”
“I don’t think he’ll ever be able to block all of this out a second time!” Jin snapped.
“He already is.” Yamapi said taking Jin aback again and the older leader had forgotten all about his beer. “Neither of you are being honest with each other! You’re both trying so hard to be what you think the other expects of you, which ironically enough is the last thing the neither of you truly wants! That’s why you need to do something before he takes to the only solution he can think of: forcing himself to accept you.”
Jin didn’t reply.
“He’s doing that already and you know it. You’ve probably felt his body stiffen countless times as you’ve held him, but he’s let you do it anyway.” Yamapi said and images of Kame in the car and Kame in the bubble bath and many other events involuntarily crossed Jin’s mind at that point. “Instead of talking it over with him, you become someone else you think he’d want to be with and that way you don’t have to think about what you did to him.”
“I did talk about it with him a few nights ago.” Jin replied, hating the memory of that night. “I even apologized.”
Yamapi was a little surprised to hear that.
“You told me I had changed since prison, but just look at how I reacted when he started putting distance between us in the first place.” Jin continued. “I became more and more on the offensive, trying to persistently pry him open one way or another. I was just like before. I’m not trying to fool him. I’m trying to become a better person for him.”
“That wasn’t what you were before.” Yamapi replied. “You were nothing like before.”
“I could’ve been more patient and considerate.”
“You were being patient and considerate.” Yamapi retorted. “But he wasn’t meeting you halfway.”
“And you know damn well why.” Jin said. “As I only pushed on, I fulfilled my role perfectly in his eyes. No matter how nice I played, he was convinced I did it for one reason alone. He saw me as his former master and if I don’t watch my steps now he’ll probably only see me like that again.”
“So maybe you should stop playing nice.”
”What are you talking about?”
“Maybe you should let him re-live a night like that again.” Yamapi added and Jin just returned his gaze with a somewhat baffled expression on his face. “Maybe you should be Akanishi Jin, ruler and master again.”
Jin couldn’t believe his ears.
“He’s not getting over it this way.” Yamapi continued. “So say things like that again…trigger his memory. Maybe then he can finally realize you’ve changed since he first met you and get over it, leave it all in the past. You’re trying to repress who you are because you think the real you is as bad as the master you were and you don’t want to be like that anymore, but what you were then was what you had become after having grown up on the streets and living in prison for years. Kame-chan brought out other sides in you. He changed you, but you’re taking it too far. The real you isn’t as bad as the person he met and he’ll see that too, but only after you let him face his master again.”
Jin shook his head. “It won’t work.”
“You’ll never know until you try.” Yamapi insisted.
“I can’t, Pi.” Jin said. “I don’t want to hurt him one more time.”
Yamapi leaned back into the couch.
“I don’t want to be like that anymore.” Jin confessed. “I was mean, irresponsible, selfish-”
“You still are.” Yamapi pointed out.
“Shut up. You know what I mean.” Jin muttered. “I didn’t care. All I cared about was taking everything I set my eyes on, thinking life screws us all over anyway. The more challenging it was to get something into my palm, the more excited I was. I thought that what difference does it make how I behave when we only have this one life? Just one short time here on earth and then we’re gone forever, lost in a history that may never be told. Most of us, our actions, don’t change the future anyway. I thought we don’t really matter.”
Those thoughts were familiar, Yamapi admitted. He had thought like that too. When had it all changed? Had he changed because Jin had? Was it because he had found some meaning in life thanks to clearing things up with Toma?
“After I met Kame I came to realize that if it makes a difference to yourself or to someone else, then it means something. That’s why you should behave well towards others. That’s why it’s important to treat others with respect, because it means something to someone.” Jin said. “I may never be able to change the world if I treat everyone right, but I may be able to reach someone. The way Kame reached me.”
Yamapi was quite amazed at how much Jin had changed thanks to one silly little so-called boy toy, but the most unbelievable fact about it wasn’t that Jin had fallen in love. It was that someone as self-assured as Akanishi Jin had actually become surer of himself, forgetting about the weaknesses he and they all hid behind their rebellious lives as gangsters, because of an unsure, young boy.
“That’s why I don’t want to go back anymore. I was fed up with everything in this society, taking revenge in my own way while telling myself that I could because ‘justice’ is just a term people have made up. That there is no such thing as fairness, but Kame changed that.” Jin continued. “So how can I go back now?”
“How can you not?” Yamapi retorted. “It’s not only a past he has to face. You have to face it, too.”
“I’m not the one traumatized, Pi.” Jin said. “And I’m never going back to the way I was before.”
Yamapi wanted to sigh, settling back into the couch.
“I’m taking a short break and then I’ll go see him at the diner again and apologize.” Jin said. Though honestly Jin didn’t think space would heal this problem. He wasn’t sure what would. “After that I’ll figure out what he wants. Should he still want me as his boyfriend I’ll go along with the pace he feels comfortable with and I’ll keep myself composed better this time around.”
Yamapi doubted that would succeed and he wanted to point out that going along to one person’s pace hardly equalled to dating.
As Jin got up from the couch to get another beer Yamapi couldn’t help but say, “Kame-chan freaked out that night, didn’t he?”
The other leader froze in his steps. Jin hated how Yamapi saw through everything.
“Yes, that’s pretty much how I had not planned for his birthday to go.” he replied. “I took him to a bathhouse to relax, but I guess I didn’t succeed in doing that.”
“You took Kame-chan to a bathhouse on his birthday?” Yamapi repeated, shooting him a look. “Why didn’t you just take him to a love hotel while you were at it?”
“It was a decent bathhouse!” Jin argued.
“No such thing in these blocks.” Yamapi brushed it off. “No wonder he freaked. Did you try to do him in the pool?”
“No.” Jin replied. “I am well-aware of the fact that even the slightest touch can send him away from me. I just tried to make him feel comfortable around me with less clothes on, is all. Then I got too physical at his place and he freaked…you should’ve seen the look he gave me. I’ve seen his face like that before and I never wanted him to watch me with those eyes again…”
“Nevertheless, the next time you see him he will ask for forgiveness.” Yamapi said. “He will take the blame for what happened and beg for forgiveness like a good little boy toy.”
Jin had to laugh at that prediction, though he sounded more miserable than amused. “He tried to break up with me. He had planned to do it the whole day I took him out for a fun birthday.”
“But he never did because he loves you and no matter how frightening your relationship becoming more intimate is to him, he still wants to be with you. He can try to run out of these blocks, but he can’t escape his true feelings towards you. They’ll eventually have him coming back to you no matter what shape he is in.” Yamapi said. “That’s why he’ll take off onto the wrong course again. Once he remembers how he loves you it’ll put an even greater pressure on him to make things right with you. He’ll repeat his mistakes because it’s the only way he knows how to deal with the situation. His body will react badly if you come closer and afraid to lose you he’ll try to shut it all out and go along with what you do, just like he did as your boy toy. Only then he wanted your protection not your love. A role like that isn’t something one easily gets rid off. It’s in his bloody subconscious and it’ll flick on again!”
He knew Jin listened, but unfortunately it didn’t seem like Jin was convinced. To go back to being the person, who had been capable of hurting the person Jin loved the most wasn’t easy.
“Use your skills.” Yamapi encouraged. “Open your eyes and look at him the way you used to be able to see through all your preys. Then you’ll know when you can pressure him without him freaking out. Now you’re blind to all of that.”
“I don’t want to pressure him.” Jin replied firmly. “And I’m not playing him into my bed.”
“I didn’t mean for you to make him into another one of your preys. I just meant for you to use the skills you have.” Yamapi said.
“If he loves me I won’t need any skills. He’ll come to me when he’s ready.” Jin replied, finally leaving the room.
Yamapi sighed, rubbing his temples. “How can he come to you when you’re out of his reach?”
From the corner of his eyes Yamapi saw Jin return with a new beer, uncorking it and flopping himself down again next to him. Yamapi couldn’t take his eyes off his best friend.
He missed Jin. The real Jin was a man, who had never fit in anywhere outside the gangsters’ blocks. He was selfish sometimes, arrogant, rude and self-assure, but he was also warm-hearted, humoristic and never ruthless. He had ended up on the streets at a young age after too many people had never expected any better of him, seeing him not even willing to live up to their expectations. He had rebelled and found his place in a harsh world he learned how to live in better than where the law abided. He had found real friends, he had been a player who had never been touched by love and finally he had been sentenced to prison much to the grief and disappointment of his loved ones, who had wanted what they saw as ‘the best for him’. In prison the player had been defeated, but the skills had never faded just gone under cover.
If the real Jin was sitting here beside him, Yamapi knew he’d never have to give Jin this much advice about what to do with Kame-chan. Jin would know himself. Jin rivalled him as another player. They were equal. Yamapi had never had to play the shrink before, even if he was sometimes the slightly brighter one of them two, but in return Jin had something else he didn’t possess: the ability to take risks and to throw himself in somewhere without thinking twice. Seeing Jin do that, sometimes Yamapi had wondered if it was better not to think too much and let go from time to time. Though sometimes seeing Jin in action also made Yamapi thank the fact that he thought before he made a move…
It was quite amazing that someone had actually made the proud Akanishi Jin want to change who he was and now for the first time in his life Jin was losing in a chase. The real Jin would already be winning Kame-chan over, just like Jin had when the two had first met.
That Kame-chan... A victim, who fell in love with his molester. Yamapi had smelled trouble since the start, but if Kame-chan had managed that while witnessing what had been truly the worst Jin had ever been then Jin didn’t need to become someone ‘better’ than he truly was for the smaller boy now.
~*~*~*~
A few days of space had passed until Jin stood outside of the diner, looking in at Kame working hard as usual. Yamapi’s lecture ran through his head, but he dismissed it and walked in.
He had been slightly worried what kind of a face Kame would greet him with the next time they’d meet and inwardly he wanted to breath out in big relief as Kame’s expression lit up upon his arrival.
Jin had barely seated himself by the counter before a latte with extra cream was served in front of him.
“Here, it’s on the house.” Kame said and Jin’s gaze fell from the cup to Kame’s naked finger, curled around the cup. Upon noticing his stare Kame hurried to release the cup and hid the hand under the counter.
Maybe he should’ve worn the ring after all, Kame thought, seeing Jin take the cup next and lift it to his lips.
“Sorry.” the older boy said then.
“For what?” Kame asked confused.
“For ruining your birthday.” Jin added.
“You didn’t ruin it.” Kame insisted and Jin didn’t reply, strongly of another opinion about that, and a silence fell over them, as Kame tried to think of something to say and so Jin did. Neither succeeded and Jin finished his latte.
“Thanks.” the leader said, setting the empty cup onto the table. “I’ll see you later.”
Kame wanted to protest as Jin put money onto the counter, got up and left, and Kame quickly circled the counter and ran after the older boy out on the street. “Jin, wait!”
Jin stopped walking, but didn’t turn around to meet his eyes.
“I’m sorry, I said too much last time.” Kame called after him. “I wanted to call you and apologize when you didn’t come to the diner for days, but I thought you might not want to hear from me.”
Jin was a little surprised at how sincerely Kame was apologizing when he had been the one who had gone too far.
“I didn’t mean what I said to you, I just freaked.” Kame continued. “I didn’t mean to ruin our evening when I finally invited you in, too. I know this hasn’t been easy on you either. I shouldn’t have said those things when it’s my fault that I panicked. It’s not like I don’t know you won’t hurt me, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
Kame stopped talking as Jin finally turned around to face him.
He eyed the smaller boy from head to toe. Kame looked a little worn out. Had Kame been stressing about this confrontation during the time he hadn’t showed up?
“I’m not going to even consider breaking up with you anymore.” Kame said then, sounding a bit ashamed of himself. “I’m so sorry.”
Maybe there was some truth to what Yamapi had said. Kame was apologizing even though the boy wasn’t at fault. Still, he didn’t have the heart to hurt the smaller boy by becoming the person Kame first met even if it was for just a minute or two.
“Jin?” Kame asked, as he had been quiet all along. “Are you mad at me?”
Had Jin already left him that morning? Were they through?
“I’m glad you said all of that.” Jin said, much to Kame’s surprise. “I know a bit more about you now. I don’t want you to keep even those kinds of things to yourself.”
Kame couldn’t look at Jin at that point. Did Jin really have to know such bad sides about him? He felt so stupid for the things he had said and done.
“I’m sorry.” the smaller boy mumbled.
“Stop apologizing to me.” Jin said. Kame hadn’t done anything wrong.
“But I went too far…” Kame protested.
“No, I was the one who went abroad.” Jin said. “I should’ve been more thoughtful and taken you somewhere you’d enjoy more than a bathhouse and I should’ve given you something more useful than massage oil as your birthday present.”
Kame strove to keep eye-contact with Jin even as the older boy started walking towards him and finally stopped before him.
“I want you to be frank with me.” Jin added. “Don’t lie, don’t pretend. I want to know I will never hurt you again unintentionally or not, so don’t let me do that.” With that said, he turned around to walk again, but had only made it a few steps until the sound of Kame’s voice stopped him.
“Wait! When will I see you again?”
Jin gave him a small smile over one shoulder. “At lunch?”
Kame tried his best to mirror his expression and it took quite a lot for Jin to be able to continue walking, feeling Kame’s gaze linger on him.
Around lunch hour, Jin was back again. Kame was relieved to see that, even if Jin had brought Yamapi along with him.
“Someone gets special treatment~” Yamapi teased as Kame had served Jin all kinds of things on the house already. Yamapi knew from just one look at Kame-chan that he had been right. He wondered how blind love had made Jin to miss all these signs: the apologetic looks, the attention, the tone in the boy’s voice… Kame-chan was seeking for forgiveness in every gesture.
But especially interesting was the reaction he saw, that unfortunately went right past Jin, who was still too chained by his own role, as a necklace with a ring attached to it slipped out from under Kame’s shirt when Kame had been eagerly wiping the table clean of something Jin had spilled. One hand had dove for the necklace that had dangled practically in front of Jin’s nose thanks to their position almost over each other, fighting to clean up the mess, and Kame had quickly hid the jewellery back under the shirt, after which the young waiter had excused himself in a hurry, not sending either of them as much as a glance.
Yamapi followed the embarrassed looking Kame to the counter and Kame’s eyes landed upon his, seeing him walk over. The boy studied him unsurely, fearing he had seen what Jin had missed and Yamapi made no effort to convince Kame otherwise.
It was time to stop this insanity. If Jin wouldn’t, then he would have to do something about it.
“My silence comes with a price, Kame-chan.” Yamapi said, as he leaned against the counter and when Kame’s gaze slowly met his again, Yamapi shot the hidden necklace another look, causing Kame to instinctively lift a hand to his collar. “This is not the first day you’re wearing it, is it? Just out of curiosity how long have you been wearing that?”
Kame contemplated on not telling, but Yamapi might be more cooperative in not to telling Jin about this if he answered. Then again Yamapi might tell Jin that piece of information too. Still, Kame saw it best to take that risk. “Since…a little after I started working here.”
Ever since Jin and he had held hands that one date and he had felt Jin’s ring against his bare finger. He hadn’t been able to put it on his finger, but leaving it lost with the other stuff in his bag hadn’t felt right either, so it had ended up around his neck.
He had thought of wearing the ring properly now, but he hadn’t wanted Jin to think he did it only because Jin had told him to. Besides if they made up he should do it without it. Or maybe he should let Jin go even though he loved Jin. Maybe having feelings wasn’t good enough when he couldn’t express them…
“You don’t want him to know you’re wearing it because you’re afraid he’ll get eager to take your relationship into a more intimate level.” Yamapi said and Kame hated how easily the older boy saw him through. Yamapi gave a dramatic sigh. “I get that, but then again I would feel so guilty for keeping such a secret from him. He’d probably be very pleased to know, especially now that he came back one morning recently looking as if something had ripped his heart out of his chest...”
Yamapi probably knew that something was him.
“What do you want?” Kame asked and Yamapi smiled, pleased with how fast Kame was giving in to his pressuring.
“A date.” Yamapi replied and Kame shot him a baffled look. “Not with me, with him. And I want him away for the entire night, so Toma and I can have the apartment for ourselves for once. I don’t care how you do it, you can get him drunk and leave him in a bar if you like, just make sure he doesn’t come back, tonight. Think you can do that, Kame-chan?”
A whole night? What was he supposed to do with Jin for a whole night?
To think that had never been a problem before…
“I hurt him. I shouldn’t be…” he had to swallow. “It shouldn’t be me by his side. What if I say things like that again? It’s not going to work out, but yet I can’t help wanting to keep being with him.”
“You’re falling for him again, aren’t you?” Yamapi said and Kame was taken aback by the unexpected reply. “I could tell the first time and I can tell now too that you’re starting to remember how it feels to be in love. You’ve been pushing him away because you’ve feared getting touched, but that has changed lately, hasn’t it? Now you don’t want to lead him on, so you try to cut him loose instead. That’s caring. You’ve remembered something regarding yourself. I told you it would happen.”
Kame’s eyes left Yamapi’s. How on earth could the leader know?
“He’s not going to break up with you no matter how long you’ll make him wait and he’ll never allow you to walk out of his life either.” Yamapi said and leaned closer. Kame yelped as the News leader suddenly grabbed his necklace out of his shirt. “So go and do as I told you.”
Kame wanted to pull away, but he’d ruin the necklace if he did.
“I-I’ll try.” he promised and first then Yamapi released him.
“Great. Oh, and don’t slip that out again, Kame-chan.” the leader said with a satisfied smirk, shooting the necklace one more look. “You’ve seemed a bit spaced today. Make sure to get it together enough to keep that thing inside your shirt…”
“What if I fail…?” Kame started and Yamapi turned back to him. “What if I fail to keep him at my place?”
Yamapi smiled. “Trust me, there’s no way he’ll refuse if you ask him to stay the night. If he as much as tries to be polite, ask him again and give him your sweetest smile and he’ll be his rude self in no time.”
As Kame still looked doubtful Yamapi added, “Turtle power, Kame-chan!”
Kame frowned after the leader, who went back to the table Jin sat by.
~*~*~*~
Later that day as Yamapi returned to the apartment Jin was in a clearly better mood, getting ready for something.
“What’s up? You look energetic.” the News leader said and Jin shot him a look before directing his eyes back at his reflection in the mirror.
“I’m going out tonight.” Jin informed.
“Really?” Yamapi replied, only half-heartedly trying to sound surprised.
“On a date.” Jin beamed at him. “He asked me out.”
Yamapi smiled for himself. He liked seeing Jin shine like that, even if he’d never admit it to anyone but Toma. “Really?” he asked again.
“I’m meeting him in an hour.” Jin added.
“It’s unusual for you to be getting ready in time.” Yamapi pointed out.
Jin looked rather satisfied with himself. “I don’t want to be late.”
“You’re only on time when it comes to meeting him.” Yamapi said. “Remember this time not to push him too hard and to give him some space every now and then. He needs that now so he can figure things out. Hold onto him just hard enough so he knows he’s yours, but so he doesn’t start feeling trapped or claustrophobic.”
“There’s only one kind of hard in my dictionary.” Jin replied and Yamapi sighed, stopping next to his best friend.
“My point exactly.” the News leader stated. “I refuse to become your shrink again. Make it work with him.”
“You don’t need to tell me that.” Jin replied. “And you’re the one meddling in our lives, don’t blame us.”
“I do blame you!” Yamapi shot back. “You’re but a shadow of yourself! It’s spooky and it’s confusing your relationship! You and Kame-chan constantly mess up that red string that tie you two to one another! I can’t just stand by and watch you two fall apart since it is me you’ll be coming to complaining if that happens! So it’s totally your fault I’m talking like this these days. I never used to say so much…”
Jin laughed. “I know! You were never the type to tell people things, you always showed them.”
“Not with Toma, though.” Yamapi admitted. “To him I showed my worst sides, letting him think I didn’t care about him. I had to tell him…”
Jin gave him a teasing smile and Yamapi realized he was talking too much again.
“I hate you.” Yamapi mumbled.
Jin leaned in towards him and said into his ear, “Love you, too.”
Yamapi immediately pulled away, marching over to the bathroom. “I’m hitting the shower.” he announced.
It was first as he turned on the water that he could breathe out and forget about the irritation Jin had stirred up in him, but his peace only lasted for a few microseconds and a terrified scream echoed through the apartment.
“AH! HOLY CRAP!! COLD! COLD!” Yamapi’s voice came from the shower. “Who left the shower this cold?! JIN! Baka, don’t forget to switch the warm water on after you’re done!!”
Jin smiled for himself. “I’ll be off then. See you later!”
He walked out of the apartment while listening to the other leader curse loudly.
~*~*~*~
Kame seemed relieved when he showed up, already waiting for him. “You came.”
“I always do when it’s you.” Jin said. “So what are we doing today?”
“Uh, what do you want to do?” Kame asked.
“You asked me out. You decide.” Jin insisted.
“We could…go to a club.” Kame said and Jin gave him a somewhat suspicious look.
“Is that really what you want to do?” Jin asked and Kame realized he should probably just be honest.
“Well, uh…actually I’ve always wanted to go on a date to an amusement park.” Kame said, giving that suggestion another thought then. “But seeing as it is the end of February and we’re being chased that’s probably impossible…”
It was a stupid idea to even say such a thing out loud to someone like Jin and as Jin quirked an eyebrow up at that Kame felt stupid indeed.
“Well, it’s not an amusement park, but how about a game centre?” Jin suggested instead.
“Forget it, let’s do something else.” Kame said. What kind of a couple went on a date to a game centre?
“No, it brings back memories from high school.” Jin chuckled. “Let’s go.”
And so they did.
Jin seemed to know where to go. It still amazed Kame how Jin seemed to find his way to certain places without a problem, but get lost everywhere else.
Kame tried to walk a little closer to Jin, stretching out his hand and letting it brush against Jin’s from time to time, but Jin was keeping a distance to him again and Kame kind of hated it. He wanted Jin to forget all about what had happened in the bedroom.
Now that he had made a decision to date Jin he was going to stay by it. He’d find a way to get over things and get Jin to forgive him for everything they had had to go through because of him. He would become a better boyfriend and he wouldn’t breathe a word about breaking up anymore. Jin would have to dump him once the older boy had had enough. It would hurt less than seeing the hurt in Jin’s eyes…
At the game centre a short distance outside of their blocks Kame came to notice Jin was as good at playing games there as it was rumoured Jin had been playing games as a player. But Kame had had his fair share of playing computer games, so he wouldn’t lose that easily to Jin.
The place was amazing. There were even stands, where one could shoot at moving targets and win prizes.
“Aren’t you a tiger in your Chinese horoscope?” Jin said, as they stopped by one stand and the leader picked up a gun.
The first shot didn’t hit the spot.
“The aim is a bit off.” Jin commented, as he reloaded and aimed again a bit off the target, hitting it perfectly then and repeating that a few times, winning a tiger plushie.
Kame was a bit embarrassed to be the one to accept it, seeing the look the salesman gave them as he handed Kame the prize, but since it was won by Jin he hugged the plushie to him and led Jin away from the stand. The person responsible for it wouldn’t be happy if Jin won any more plushies and they still had things to explore.
“You know a lot about guns, don’t you?” Kame said as they were done exploring and had started walking back to their blocks.
“Comes with the job description, I guess.” Jin replied when suddenly someone screamed something after them. It was a group of boys, looking at them and laughing mockingly at them. The message was obvious. They didn’t need to know Korean to be able to figure out what they were calling them.
Kame hurried to separate his hand from Jin’s, but the laughing only truly died out as Jin turned around, giving them one long look. The sight upon the leader could silence anyone. Not a word was uttered as Jin reached for Kame’s hand again and they continued walking.
Kame had always admired Jin’s confidence. Jin never bothered to be anything but himself no matter where or when, but lately Kame thought he hadn’t seen Jin like that for some reason.
As they stopped by the door to his apartment, Kame had gotten increasingly worried he wouldn’t succeed in keeping Jin away for the night and that Yamapi would probably give him hell to pay tomorrow. Silly how he had worried about not getting Jin to stay over back in Tokyo…
“Night then.” Jin said and Kame was painfully aware of the fact that he wasn’t going to get a kiss tonight. Somehow he even wanted one. Jin had taken quite a few steps backwards in their relationship and it was his fault. It would also make his promise to Yamapi very hard to fulfil.
“Would you like to come in for a while?” Kame asked before Jin could leave and the older boy seemed very surprised to hear such an unexpected offer. “T-to have some tea…or beer?” Kame clarified quickly.
“Uh, sure.” Jin replied, still taken aback. Kame felt bad about having invited Jin in because he had promised to do so, but on the other hand if it weren’t for him Toma and Yamapi wouldn’t have to share their apartment with Jin all the time. Those two should get to have more time for themselves.
Kame pressed on a smile, as he opened the door and allowed Jin in.
A few beers and a few hours later Kame was facing the same problem again, as Jin checked the time and got up from his comfortable position on the couch. “I should probably get going. It’s late.”
“You can stay over.” Kame hurried to say and Jin almost stumbled over his own feet. He gazed at the nervous looking boy.
“Nah, that’s okay, thanks. It’s only a few stairs down anyway.”
“But it’s late, you’ll wake up Yamapi and Toma!” Kame insisted, hurrying up in front of Jin. “Shouldn’t we let them have one night for themselves? Besides…you live here too. You’re only temporarily staying with them, aren’t you?”
Jin looked quite stunned and Kame decided to add, as sweetly as he could, “Please stay.”
Jin hesitated, part of him wanting to stay immediately, but the thought that Kame was doing this in order to apologize crossed his mind. He hated imagining Kame asking him to stay without truly wanting him to, but Kame was looking at him so hopefully and by staying he wasn’t necessarily screwing up the pace in their relationship. Not if he refrained from doing anything but sleeping over…and maybe making out, just a bit.
“Yeah, well, you’re right.” Jin agreed then. “The poor souls and you know my back is getting really sore from sleeping on their sorry excuse for a couch-…uh, by that I wasn’t implying I’d sleep in the bed tonight, but simply that our couch is way softer.”
“Then you’re staying?” Kame asked and Jin nodded. “I sleep in the bed all the time, you can have it tonight. I’ll just go make it for you.”
Kame disappeared before he could either agree or disagree and Jin practically skipped into the bathroom, freshening up before going to see if Kame was ready in the bedroom. He stopped by the doorway.
If this was Kame’s idea of making the bed ready for him then Jin had to say he loved it. He smiled, watching Kame sound asleep on the bed, some corners of the bedspread had been tucked off and Jin would’ve wanted to see exactly how Kame had ended up falling asleep there.
He stepped a bit closer to help Kame complete the task, when something made him halt.
Jin frowned, as he saw something sticking out from under Kame’s shirt. A necklace of some sort. Doubting first whether or not to touch Kame, Jin finally lowered his hand to Kame’s exposed collarbones, carefully pulling the necklace out and his eyes widened at the sight that greeted him.
Kame wore his ring? Since when? Since they had had that fight?
No, he had seen Kame wear a necklace before that already. Was it this one?
The boy let out a soft sigh and Jin hurried to release the necklace and the ring. Carefully he pulled the blanket over the sleeping form, daring to trail a few fingers through the blondish locks.
“Tell me you still love me.” he whispered. “Please tell me that. I need to hear it again. It’ll make things easier for me to bear.”
But naturally Kame didn’t reply in this state and Jin slowly got up from the bed to sleep on the couch.
That following morning Jin was in a really good mood. Kame wondered if there was any particular reason for it, especially since Jin wouldn’t have had to get up so early. It was Kame who had to work, but Jin had seemed chipper and energetic ever since waking up.
“Thanks for tonight.” Jin said as they jumped into their jackets and shoes. “Our couch really is far more comfortable than Toma and Pi’s.”
Kame blushed again, being reminded about that. “I’m really sorry about last night. I don’t know how I fell asleep like that.”
He had been awake so many hours each night again, but this time it wasn’t because of nightmares. He just couldn’t stop thinking about how he had been able to screw things up so royally with Jin. He couldn’t erase Jin’s tears from his mind.
“It’s fine.” Jin replied, opening the door. “I had a good night sleep.”
He watched the older boy exit the apartment first.
“Jin…” he said by the door and Jin looked back at him.
“Yeah?”
“If you want to move back in…I’d be fine with it.” Kame said and judging from the expression on Jin’s face the older boy hadn’t seen that one coming.
“There’s no rush.” Jin replied then and Kame wasn’t sure why he was a bit disappointed hearing that, since his suggestion probably wasn’t very wise. “I don’t want to crowd you.”
“I think it’d be okay.” Kame said. “We could try…”
He might be asking for trouble, for stressful situations once Jin starts wanting more than he can give, but Jin kind of seemed to want to live there again and these nights Jin had been there…somehow the empty rooms around him had been filled with life and warmth.
“I can wait. I’ve told you that.” Jin said, adding, “I had a really good night. See you at lunch.”
And with that Jin disappeared into the apartment a few stairs below and Kame went to work.
“Good morning.” he greeted G-Dragon, already serving breakfast to customers, as he slipped into the staff’s backroom to change clothes.
Having put on his outfit, Kame was just about to stick the necklace in under his shirt as usual, when suddenly it felt pointless to do that anymore. Yamapi knew about him wearing it and it was only a matter of time before Jin would too. Besides…it was supposed to be worn on his finger. As it had been gone he had been gone too, replaced by someone else. He wanted to be complete again.
Taking it from his necklace and putting it onto his finger Kame made a promise to himself. No matter how bad things would get between them, no matter how he’d react, when he looked at this ring he’d remember that he loved Jin. He would never doubt that again. That would be the one thing he could rely on to be the truth. It would help him through this and if Jin saw him wear this Jin could understand it too.
Having promised himself that, Kame started his day at work with a smile on his face.
Jin’s idea of lunchtime was a few hours earlier than it should be and the leader had dragged Yamapi with him this time too. The News leader shot him a smug smile as Kame came over to them to take their orders although the table they sat by didn’t belong to his area today.
“Hey.” he beamed at Jin, not about to meet Yamapi’s gaze more than he had to. “The usual?”
“Yep.” the older leader smiled at him.
“And what about you?” Kame asked, barely meeting Yamapi’s eyes, but long enough to see the News leader raise an eyebrow at him, not having missed how Kame had come out of the closet concerning one certain jewellery.
“The same as him, except I want a regular coffee.” Yamapi replied.
Kame scribbled it down and turned around to go pass on the order to the staff in the kitchen when pausing in his steps and turning back to Jin.
“I meant what I said this morning.” he assured and Jin gave him a curious look. “If you want to come back, you can.”
Jin obviously liked what he heard, but replied, “I will when the time is right.”
Kame nodded, this time going to get Yamapi a regular coffee and Jin a special one.
“So you slept together without sleeping together last night too, I take it?” Yamapi mumbled to Jin as they watched Kame pour them coffees. “I mean, obviously since he’s not limping…and neither are you.”
Jin momentarily ripped his gaze off Kame to shoot Yamapi a not so loving look. “No, actually I didn’t sleep with him in any way.”
“You mean you’re back to square one?” Yamapi mocked and Jin laid his eyes back onto Kame, returning to the table.
“I wouldn’t say that.” Jin replied as Kame stopped before them.
“Here’s your latte.” Kame said, setting it down on the table in front of Jin and Jin was just about to open his mouth and thank him, when the sight of the golden jewellery back on Kame’s finger almost had him falling from the chair.
“No, I wouldn’t say that either.” Yamapi added and Kame again chose to ignore the teasing look, turning to go fetch the meals that would soon be up next.
He could feel Jin’s eyes on him as he did.
Life was hard. It was painful sometimes and some things about it were difficult to understand. Why had he ended up this way? Why did he have to suffer through so much? Why did he make Jin suffer too? Today he wouldn’t allow anything to erase this smile from his face even if he knew that tomorrow things might already be worse, but he wouldn’t give in this time. He would fight with all his might against whatever it was that still had a hold on him. He wouldn’t let it take control of him this time. It wouldn’t be easy, but now he knew he loved Jin and that was worth everything. Maybe someday his body could remember that too.