I Turn My Camera On: A Merlin Tale for misswinterhill
My dearest misswinterhill,
This is the dude who plays Arthur. My dearest, it has come to my attention that you are in need of some TLC. Some TLC of the Merlin variety. I know you have a thing for stories and for Merlin, and I cannot blame you! So I have put together this little thingy in which we can share our obsession. Please forgive me if you read this and think to yourself, "Why, self, this does not sound like it was written by Arthur OR the dude who plays Arthur OR indeed, anyone who's ever watched the hit BBC production "Merlin."" I am simply overcome with love for you and Merlin, and it is scrambling my brain.
My tale begins with a camera. B/c I figured we would want some piccies to document this.
One morning, Merlin woke up and stretched. The night before, we had gathered around a computer and read a story about us and how awesome we are, b/c we want to write a story for my beloved misswinterhill and we needed to be poked and prodded with inspiration's talented fingers. The story was full of puzzling phrases, however: comparing the crispness of their cucumbers ... encasing the sausage ... tasting the divine fullness ... going to the store. I asked Merlin what was meant by such things, and he had puzzled over this question til his puzzler was sore. And wrung out. And milked for all it was worth.
Last night, when I asked Merlin my question.
Merlin was quite tired in the morning. And a little cross.
(See? He looks pissy here. I said, "Merlin, my crumpet, who pissed in your porridge?" And he said, "It was that dude w/ the hair. He totes distracted me from your question, and then he asked if I wanted to see his one-eyed snake.")
Which actually gave me an idea! There were a lot of dudes in the story, doing manly things like cooking with pickles and bananas and meatballs, and mud wrestling. We should ask some dudes we know if they could explain the story to us, so that we might write our own.
Merlin took this piccie. Look at all us manly men! I think Merlin's a bit sweet on Gwaine's hair, even though Gwaine's body tends to piss in porridge.)
They were very unhelpful, and Merlin got a bit shirty w/ me for wasting our time hanging w/ such fine specimens of the male form.
"Arthur," said the waif-like but not wimpy dark-haired man-boy. "That idea was a bit shite. We need to focus on misswinterhill and not the story of the dueling hot dogs, else we'll never get any tail. Tale. Written."
Merlin had a point, and I leaned in to tell him so.
He waits so patiently for inspiration to fall from my full, awesome, lips. After we exchanged loads of inspiration, we finally hit on a story to tell.
And it's about this dude:
There once was a boy man named Colin. He was sick and felt crappy. His friends all told him to go to this magical realm called Internetia and find the King of Pr0n, and then he would feel better. The King said, "Wow, I am highly attracted to you! But I have this phallic object embedded in this arse-shaped stone. If you help me get it out, I will be forever in your debt." Colin said, "I think you have this a bit backwards, but I'll help you anyway b/c I am awesome, and funny, and nice, and self-deprecating, and I smile at babies and help old ladies cross the street." The King said, "Groovy. Now put your hands on my shaft and give it a tug." Colin's lower lip trembled with the force of his exertion and a bit of spit dangled. [Arthur, you can't have spit in the story. Spit makes the story.] Finally, Colin was able to pull out the very hard steel protrusion. The King of Pr0n was eternally grateful, and gifted Colin w/ two huge balls of yarn. The End.
It was very difficult to write that story, but I would do anything for misswinterhill. So would Merlin, but I could tell he was excited to be done, so we could start our game of Hide the Carrot.
Merlin and a horse, looking rather dewy-eyed. They are dewy-eyed b/c they love me. And misswinterhill.
Fare thee well, sweet misswinterhill! I wish you health and wealth and love and your very own Merlin! Mwah!
Signed,
The Dude What Plays Arthur
This is the dude who plays Arthur. My dearest, it has come to my attention that you are in need of some TLC. Some TLC of the Merlin variety. I know you have a thing for stories and for Merlin, and I cannot blame you! So I have put together this little thingy in which we can share our obsession. Please forgive me if you read this and think to yourself, "Why, self, this does not sound like it was written by Arthur OR the dude who plays Arthur OR indeed, anyone who's ever watched the hit BBC production "Merlin."" I am simply overcome with love for you and Merlin, and it is scrambling my brain.
My tale begins with a camera. B/c I figured we would want some piccies to document this.
One morning, Merlin woke up and stretched. The night before, we had gathered around a computer and read a story about us and how awesome we are, b/c we want to write a story for my beloved misswinterhill and we needed to be poked and prodded with inspiration's talented fingers. The story was full of puzzling phrases, however: comparing the crispness of their cucumbers ... encasing the sausage ... tasting the divine fullness ... going to the store. I asked Merlin what was meant by such things, and he had puzzled over this question til his puzzler was sore. And wrung out. And milked for all it was worth.
Last night, when I asked Merlin my question.
Merlin was quite tired in the morning. And a little cross.
(See? He looks pissy here. I said, "Merlin, my crumpet, who pissed in your porridge?" And he said, "It was that dude w/ the hair. He totes distracted me from your question, and then he asked if I wanted to see his one-eyed snake.")
Which actually gave me an idea! There were a lot of dudes in the story, doing manly things like cooking with pickles and bananas and meatballs, and mud wrestling. We should ask some dudes we know if they could explain the story to us, so that we might write our own.
Merlin took this piccie. Look at all us manly men! I think Merlin's a bit sweet on Gwaine's hair, even though Gwaine's body tends to piss in porridge.)
They were very unhelpful, and Merlin got a bit shirty w/ me for wasting our time hanging w/ such fine specimens of the male form.
"Arthur," said the waif-like but not wimpy dark-haired man-boy. "That idea was a bit shite. We need to focus on misswinterhill and not the story of the dueling hot dogs, else we'll never get any tail. Tale. Written."
Merlin had a point, and I leaned in to tell him so.
He waits so patiently for inspiration to fall from my full, awesome, lips. After we exchanged loads of inspiration, we finally hit on a story to tell.
And it's about this dude:
There once was a boy man named Colin. He was sick and felt crappy. His friends all told him to go to this magical realm called Internetia and find the King of Pr0n, and then he would feel better. The King said, "Wow, I am highly attracted to you! But I have this phallic object embedded in this arse-shaped stone. If you help me get it out, I will be forever in your debt." Colin said, "I think you have this a bit backwards, but I'll help you anyway b/c I am awesome, and funny, and nice, and self-deprecating, and I smile at babies and help old ladies cross the street." The King said, "Groovy. Now put your hands on my shaft and give it a tug." Colin's lower lip trembled with the force of his exertion and a bit of spit dangled. [Arthur, you can't have spit in the story. Spit makes the story.] Finally, Colin was able to pull out the very hard steel protrusion. The King of Pr0n was eternally grateful, and gifted Colin w/ two huge balls of yarn. The End.
It was very difficult to write that story, but I would do anything for misswinterhill. So would Merlin, but I could tell he was excited to be done, so we could start our game of Hide the Carrot.
Merlin and a horse, looking rather dewy-eyed. They are dewy-eyed b/c they love me. And misswinterhill.
Fare thee well, sweet misswinterhill! I wish you health and wealth and love and your very own Merlin! Mwah!
Signed,
The Dude What Plays Arthur