Red Is My Colour Prompt for Day Twelve
Title: Radio Play
Author: blue_fjords
Pairings/Characters: Ianto, Jack, Owen, Suzie, Tosh, slight Jack/Ianto
Setting: pre-series one
Words: 1,200
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Rating: PG
Summary: Ianto is a lying liar who lies. The Team destroys property.
Prompt:
"Later on, we'll conspire
As we dream by the fire
To face unafraid
The plans that we made
Walking in a winter wonderland!"
Channel 3: "Suzie! Suzie! Come in, Suzie!"
Channel 2: "Calm down, Owen; I'm right here!"
Channel 3: "I will not calm down! It tried to eat my face!"
Channel 2: "Don't be such a baby, Owen! They attacked Tosh, too, do you hear her complaining?"
Channel 4: "Mmphmorgguhnk."
Channel 2: "See? Tosh is fine."
Channel 3: "You're demented, you know that, right? And where the hell is Jack?"
Channel 2: "Well, he fell."
Channel 3: "What?!"
Channel 2: "Zppt! Keep your voice down. Look, he fell, okay? But it wasn't far; I'm sure he's fine."
Channel 3: "You're not a doctor, Suzie, I am! Where are you two? We're coming over there."
Channel 2: "Oh, no you're not! You stick to the plan!"
Channel 3: "The plan's rubbish! Jack pulled it out of his arse! And then he fell!"
Channel 4: "Um, guys?"
Channel 2: "We all agreed on it, Owen! It's not your call!"
Channel 4: "Guys!"
Channel 3: "Bollocks, Suzie, you didn't get your face almost ripped off!"
Channel 4: "They're back!"
Channel 3: "Shit, Tosh, come on, run!"
Channel 2: "What's going on over there? Describe it!"
Channel 3: "Flesh-eating aliens are chasing us! You want me to paint you a picture?"
Channel 2: "Just . . . try to lead them over here; I have the big gun."
Channel 3: "How come you get the big gun?"
Channel 2: "Because I can fire it! Now bring them alongside the blue Skip. No, Owen, I can see you, that's the gray one!"
Fizz, whoosh, whoosh, "eek!", schnuuuuuurck - fuzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz . . .
Channel 1: "Suzie? Owen? Toshiko? Gang, you there?"
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz . . .
The police inspector leaned over and turned off the recording. Settling back in his chair, he steepled his fingers together and fixed the object of his interrogation with a beady stare.
"So, Mr. Jones. Would you care to offer an explanation for that?"
My teammates are buffoons who can't execute a simple plan. "Radio play rehearsal," Ianto said with his most innocent expression. It did not work as well on the inspector as it did on Jack. Of course, Inspector Smith is probably not picturing me naked, either.
The inspector's eyebrows rose. "Radio play? Do you really expect me to believe that?"
Why not? It beats the latest boy band, doesn't it? "We've done radio plays before. I could locate some recordings for you," he answered, with a bland smile.
Inspector Smith faked his own bland smile, and leaned forward in his chair. "Alright then, Mr. Jones. Let's say for the sake of argument that you were making a radio play. What role did you play? I didn't hear your voice."
Oh, I was in the getaway car, obviously. "I do the special effects. The sounds of tires squealing and monsters attacking. That's all me."
"Special effects."
"Yes, Inspector."
"And did your 'special effects' include destroying half a block of city property?"
Ah, there's the sound of the other shoe dropping. "I can assure you that our parent company will absorb all costs that may have been incurred as a result of our . . . hmm, less than orthodox, shall we say . . . recording methods." And damn you, Suzie, for using the big gun!
Inspector Smith scoffed. "Thousands of pounds. We are talking about thousands of pounds here, Mr. Jones!"
Well, if you prefer, I could introduce you to the flesh-eating aliens. "That's not a problem, Inspector." He glanced surreptitiously down at his pocket watch. Where the hell are you, Jack? Seems to be the running theme.
"Sorry, am I boring you, Mr. Jones? This is a serious situation here!" Tiny specks of phlegm flew out of the corners of the Inspector's mouth. Ianto could smell tuna and broccoli (not a winning combination) as he strode around the table and got up in Ianto's face.
The door flew open with a bang.
"Ianto! Front and center, it's time to leave!"
"And just who are you?" the Inspector asked, rounding on Jack.
He's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks. "Inspector, allow me to introduce the director and star of our radio play, Captain Jack Harkness. Sir, I was just reassuring Inspector Smith here that our company would cover the damages from today's recording session."
Jack looked at him blankly for one second, then smoothly turned and grabbed the Inspector's hand, flashing a toothy grin. "That's my Ianto, always seeing to the details!"
"Well as I was telling your Ianto, the damages are quite extensive! How can you possibly be prepared to pay for Skips, paving, streetlights, a bench!, windows, . . ."
See, now you're boring Captain Jack Harkness. You should really shut up now.
"That's fascinating, Inspector, but we have to be going now. Send us the bill care of Mermaid Quay Tourist Information Centre." Jack put his arm around Ianto's shoulders and turned them to go.
"Oh, Mr. Jones won't be leaving with you. Someone has to stay here as collateral until I can be assured that you are good for your word." Inspector Smith puffed out his chest and leveled Jack with a look he thought was threatening.
What are you going to say, Jack? You don’t need me to go with you.
"I don't think you understand the situation, Smith. I need Ianto for all sorts of things."
That look should really be outlawed. And great, now the Cardiff police think I'm a gigolo.
"Smith?" A young copper poked her head into the room. "I have an urgent phone call for you from the Mayor's office."
"Yeah, okay, Gwen, I'll be right there." She left, and Inspector Smith fixed them with a stern glare. "Okay, gentlemen. I have your contact information right here. If I don't get this paid, I will hunt you down and hang you from the rafters. Do you understand?"
Sure thing, cowboy.
Jack grinned. "You don't have to worry about a thing."
They followed Inspector Smith out of the room, and left him behind. Jack slid his arm around Ianto's shoulders again as they walked down the steps and over to the SUV. Owen was still patching up Tosh's ankle, and Suzie held a cold compress to the side of her head.
"So, radio play, Ianto? What gave you that idea?"
My da and I used to listen to them all the time when I was young. "Someone used up all the available Retcon on the first responders. It was the first thing I could think of."
Jack laughed, and fished the keys out of his pocket. He leaned in closer to Ianto (cinnamon scone and mint tea, winning combination) and pressed the keys into his hand. His lips were very close to Ianto's. "Do you want to drive?"
Oh, God, I really am a gigolo. "That would be nice, Sir. Thank you."
"Oi! Can we get going sometime today? The sooner I get out of the middle seat, the better."
Shut up Owen, you wanker. "Next stop, the Hub."
Come on, Suzie. I know you have something to say. "And when we get there, we are going to go over the plan!" Right on cue.