FIC: Amazon Does Not Rank This Fic
Title: Amazon Does Not Rank This Fic
Author: blue_fjords
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Rhys
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Summary: Jack reacts to Amazonfail. With crack.
A/N: This was originally posted at andreth47's Comment Porn Ficathon for Public Sex as a response to the brouhaha over Amazonfail, which has been posted everywhere under the sun, including here.
*Crash!*
Gwen looked over at Ianto. "I think it's your turn to tame the beast."
Ianto sighed. "You come with me, and I'll make you coffee every day this week."
Gwen gave him a Look. "Are you saying you would withhold coffee from me if I *didn't* go with you?"
*Bang!* "Fucking shitheads! I'm gonna . . ." *Crack!*
Ianto and Gwen hurried into Jack's office to find him ramming his laptop against his desk. Letter keys were scattered across the floor. Ianto was amused to see that Gwen stepped right on D - I - C - K.
"Jack? Perhaps if you throw it, you could make a bigger mess," Ianto suggested dryly.
Jack turned to them, breathing heavily. "Sorry, gang. I got a little worked up."
"So we heard," Gwen answered, slightly amused, but then frowned at the look of genuine consternation on Jack's face. "Jack? What happened?" she asked gently.
Jack looked away, and blinked back a couple of tears. "It's fucking Amazon. I can't find my 'Incredibly Bland Everyday Life of Two Men Who Are Gay, Have Dogs, and Watch a Lot of TV.'"
Ianto's mouth dropped in shock. "What?! I love that series! They're so normal!"
Gwen furrowed her brow. "Why can't you find them?"
"Amazon changed their fucking policy," Jack gritted out. Ianto crossed the room to him and pulled him into a rated-G embrace.
"But, I still don't understand. What kind of policy?" Gwen asked, trying to make sense of the inexplicable.
Jack took a deep breath. "Apparently, all gay characters/themes are too 'adult' for Amazon. They're listing them as 'adult' to protect their fucking customers."
"That's outrageous!" Gwen spluttered. "It's even causing you to say the f-word, and I've never heard you fuck!"
Ianto raised a brow at her, and she blushed. "Well, I've never heard you say the word 'fuck,'" she amended.
Ianto gave Jack's shoulders a perfectly friendly squeeze. "Let's write them a letter, shall we?"
Jack kissed his forehead, and then kissed Gwen's for a little het action. "Sounds like a great fucking plan."
Ianto drafted the following letter, with helpful input from Jack and Gwen:
"Dear Amazon:
We don't get much time to read, what with saving the world from terrifying fucking aliens. But when we do, we will not be buying our books from your site. Your censorship is worse than the Divulians in the 47th Century, and some of us would still have the scars from that, if we scarred.
Kiss our collective arses,
Team Torchwood"
And then they all went out to dinner with Rhys. Gwen and Rhys had sex against a wall in the Ladies' Room, careful to be in both a public place and away from the eyes of any under-aged individuals who might be scarred by the experience. Jack and Ianto made sweet, sweet love on a rooftop, also a public place but protected from under-aged eyes.
It was all deliciously normal and lovely.
Author: blue_fjords
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Rhys
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Summary: Jack reacts to Amazonfail. With crack.
A/N: This was originally posted at andreth47's Comment Porn Ficathon for Public Sex as a response to the brouhaha over Amazonfail, which has been posted everywhere under the sun, including here.
*Crash!*
Gwen looked over at Ianto. "I think it's your turn to tame the beast."
Ianto sighed. "You come with me, and I'll make you coffee every day this week."
Gwen gave him a Look. "Are you saying you would withhold coffee from me if I *didn't* go with you?"
*Bang!* "Fucking shitheads! I'm gonna . . ." *Crack!*
Ianto and Gwen hurried into Jack's office to find him ramming his laptop against his desk. Letter keys were scattered across the floor. Ianto was amused to see that Gwen stepped right on D - I - C - K.
"Jack? Perhaps if you throw it, you could make a bigger mess," Ianto suggested dryly.
Jack turned to them, breathing heavily. "Sorry, gang. I got a little worked up."
"So we heard," Gwen answered, slightly amused, but then frowned at the look of genuine consternation on Jack's face. "Jack? What happened?" she asked gently.
Jack looked away, and blinked back a couple of tears. "It's fucking Amazon. I can't find my 'Incredibly Bland Everyday Life of Two Men Who Are Gay, Have Dogs, and Watch a Lot of TV.'"
Ianto's mouth dropped in shock. "What?! I love that series! They're so normal!"
Gwen furrowed her brow. "Why can't you find them?"
"Amazon changed their fucking policy," Jack gritted out. Ianto crossed the room to him and pulled him into a rated-G embrace.
"But, I still don't understand. What kind of policy?" Gwen asked, trying to make sense of the inexplicable.
Jack took a deep breath. "Apparently, all gay characters/themes are too 'adult' for Amazon. They're listing them as 'adult' to protect their fucking customers."
"That's outrageous!" Gwen spluttered. "It's even causing you to say the f-word, and I've never heard you fuck!"
Ianto raised a brow at her, and she blushed. "Well, I've never heard you say the word 'fuck,'" she amended.
Ianto gave Jack's shoulders a perfectly friendly squeeze. "Let's write them a letter, shall we?"
Jack kissed his forehead, and then kissed Gwen's for a little het action. "Sounds like a great fucking plan."
Ianto drafted the following letter, with helpful input from Jack and Gwen:
"Dear Amazon:
We don't get much time to read, what with saving the world from terrifying fucking aliens. But when we do, we will not be buying our books from your site. Your censorship is worse than the Divulians in the 47th Century, and some of us would still have the scars from that, if we scarred.
Kiss our collective arses,
Team Torchwood"
And then they all went out to dinner with Rhys. Gwen and Rhys had sex against a wall in the Ladies' Room, careful to be in both a public place and away from the eyes of any under-aged individuals who might be scarred by the experience. Jack and Ianto made sweet, sweet love on a rooftop, also a public place but protected from under-aged eyes.
It was all deliciously normal and lovely.