split personalities.
i honestly think i'm heading towards split personality disorder. it's like there's my sensible happy me and there's my anorexic me, and i can't control when one turns up to replace the other. there's Anna and there's Ana. today i am thankfully managing to hold onto my true self which is really neither of the two -- i call her Me. though even Me is very confused and doesn't know what to make of herself.
for the last few days i have been eating like a pig, and actually not regretting it. on one hand i think this is a good thing, because at least i can get on with life without constantly thinking "oh god, i'm never going to be skinny at this rate", but on the other hand, when Ana walks in, she sees the damage and decides to flood me with self-hatred and digust. she screams at Anna and tells her she's irresponsible and should never be left in charge.
last night i had such confused dreams, but as usual i can't really remember what they were all about. i know i was scared and upset, and not in this world.
if i can stay with one personality for a while i'll feel better. at the moment i am finding myself most controlled by Ana, though Anna is telling me to stay strong and not let her get her way all the time. Ana is telling her to shut up and let me fast again till i am beautifully thin.
i'm scared by all this but also, in a strange way, fascinated. i don't understand any of it...
for the last few days i have been eating like a pig, and actually not regretting it. on one hand i think this is a good thing, because at least i can get on with life without constantly thinking "oh god, i'm never going to be skinny at this rate", but on the other hand, when Ana walks in, she sees the damage and decides to flood me with self-hatred and digust. she screams at Anna and tells her she's irresponsible and should never be left in charge.
last night i had such confused dreams, but as usual i can't really remember what they were all about. i know i was scared and upset, and not in this world.
if i can stay with one personality for a while i'll feel better. at the moment i am finding myself most controlled by Ana, though Anna is telling me to stay strong and not let her get her way all the time. Ana is telling her to shut up and let me fast again till i am beautifully thin.
i'm scared by all this but also, in a strange way, fascinated. i don't understand any of it...