(no subject)
My last update was in December, which wasn't per'say, an "update" so much as a guilty "check in", anyways, I explained that shit! :P
So, I have my first T appointment on Tuesday at 9:30am til 10:30am. I have a couple of paper journals I have written in, I doubt I'll take them though, I'll feel silly.
But no matter. I use them mostly for me anyways. I often read back through them an laugh out at myself for being such a nerd. LOL .
I am still living at my Dad's, it has been a year now. We are continuing to search for a place to live, but renting anything out of our price range will be letting ourselves in for a fall, yet the housing people say we can afford to rent private so they aren't in any hurry to help us with the homeing situation, we have tried to prove thet me health is at risk because of the situation but that doesn't seem to be important enough for them to consider us as a priority case. I often wonder if they felt they way I felt, they would say the same thing. If I thought it would get me anywhere I would ask them how I am supposed to survive (inside) cooped up all the time, not to mention being loaded with guilt that my daughter is in the same room with us and doesnt have her own space. We have no place for our clothes so they are on the floor and in baskets. The best thing right now is that Chloe loves her school and I am happy for her that she loves it so much. I really really can't stand being like this, inside it feels as though I am going to explode and die.
When I am having an "ok" time , my mood is stable and things seem to be going level and generally how I would expect them to be, a good routine and comfort is all I need to feel "ok", and by comfort I mean
: My own space
: It has to be warm
: I need Chloe and Martin there to make me feel safe
: Maybe a little money, enough for food
: No visitors, unless I have a good few days warning to prepare myself
I seem to get messed up
: At the weekends
: When my Brother comes home from work, I know he wants me out and his girlfriend will come round and make me feel uncomfortable and I won't be able to go to sleep
: When my routine changes
: When I have nothing to look forward to, even if it is just an appointment
: When someone gets mad at me and I don't know what I have done wrong, then I feel out of control of the situation
These are just some of the things I have to deal with on a daily basis, to an irrational level, as most people get these feelings to an extent anyway. I, among other people (thankfully I am not the alien I thought I was) am amplified all of my feelings, my senses and emotions, are tied, connected. Again. people have this generally, I feel it so heavily it's almost like a weight and until it's gone, I can't move on.
It should feel better to write it and get it out but I don't feel that every time I write, I try so many different ways to explain my feelings, I often think it is so I can understand what I mean and to reason with myself as if to ask *is that how I feel?* But each way is right and I feel all of them at different times. I never feel exactly the same 2 days running, it is very rare that happens. Infact, it is very rare that I am level, though it has beent that way since I was about 14. Shockingly I have always wanted to be dead, though I can't kill myself, although sometimes I think I could do it, I get to the point where I either do it or not and every time I don't. What is that, is is cowardice or guilt? Fear, of not being here anymore to watch the people I love grow and have wonderful lives, that wouldn't happen if I killed myself would it? They wouldn't live happily ever after then would they? But then I guess the reasons for wanting to have my life finished (sometimes) is for selfish reasons, I don't want to be this way anymore, I want the feelings I have (the bad ones) gone. But then again, how will I feel the relief of the pain if I am dead? I'll feel nothing, no pain, but no relief either. I wont be alive to feel better. So ... what do I do, I talk and I write and I hope and I try and I break and I get back up and I fall and I get back up and I hope and I wish and I cry and I beg and I try and I wonder, Is it worth it? What is the point, though I am the first person to admit how terrified of death I am, we are going to die one day anyway and it sure as hell doesnt look like I am going to contribute anything worthwhile to this world (apart for Chloe) so ... what am I here to do? *sigh*
Insight is a wonderful thing, unless you understand it too deeply and look between the lines and for hidden agendas everywhere. I wish there were something magical that you could do to make you feel better, I dont mean drugs and things. I mean naturally better and *nice* :)
Some of the things I do I wish i didn't :
: Smoke the day away
: Play the playstation obssesively
: Have dinner cooked for me every night
Maybe I should turn to the things I don't do, that I wish I did :
: Cook dinner every night
: Clean the house spottlessly everyday
: Iron and be able to hang away clothes in order
: I want to give up smoking
: I want to play the playstation less
: I want to be organised with money and bills
: I want to be able to bake cakes
: I want to have friends and family round for dinner
: I want to sleep peacefully, knowing no-one is going to disturb us. I like it to be dark and quiet, as a night should be and there should be silence in a home at night. Tidy, clean and quiet.
Logically you'd think if that's how you want it then why cant you clean and bake and play home make mother but you see, I can't the oven doesnt work properly and they guys are not tidy guys, they have never been used to having a clean home, I did it when I first moved in but when I went all wrong I stopped doing it, I mean I have always been like that to some extent but it was worse this time around. Anyway, there are a few things on the list for screening. I am either a manic cleaner or I dont do it at all. The latter only when things are bad, as they are now.
Well, I might go now, snuggle up on the couch and contemplate the next few hours, hmmph.. Bum!
So, I have my first T appointment on Tuesday at 9:30am til 10:30am. I have a couple of paper journals I have written in, I doubt I'll take them though, I'll feel silly.
But no matter. I use them mostly for me anyways. I often read back through them an laugh out at myself for being such a nerd. LOL .
I am still living at my Dad's, it has been a year now. We are continuing to search for a place to live, but renting anything out of our price range will be letting ourselves in for a fall, yet the housing people say we can afford to rent private so they aren't in any hurry to help us with the homeing situation, we have tried to prove thet me health is at risk because of the situation but that doesn't seem to be important enough for them to consider us as a priority case. I often wonder if they felt they way I felt, they would say the same thing. If I thought it would get me anywhere I would ask them how I am supposed to survive (inside) cooped up all the time, not to mention being loaded with guilt that my daughter is in the same room with us and doesnt have her own space. We have no place for our clothes so they are on the floor and in baskets. The best thing right now is that Chloe loves her school and I am happy for her that she loves it so much. I really really can't stand being like this, inside it feels as though I am going to explode and die.
When I am having an "ok" time , my mood is stable and things seem to be going level and generally how I would expect them to be, a good routine and comfort is all I need to feel "ok", and by comfort I mean
: My own space
: It has to be warm
: I need Chloe and Martin there to make me feel safe
: Maybe a little money, enough for food
: No visitors, unless I have a good few days warning to prepare myself
I seem to get messed up
: At the weekends
: When my Brother comes home from work, I know he wants me out and his girlfriend will come round and make me feel uncomfortable and I won't be able to go to sleep
: When my routine changes
: When I have nothing to look forward to, even if it is just an appointment
: When someone gets mad at me and I don't know what I have done wrong, then I feel out of control of the situation
These are just some of the things I have to deal with on a daily basis, to an irrational level, as most people get these feelings to an extent anyway. I, among other people (thankfully I am not the alien I thought I was) am amplified all of my feelings, my senses and emotions, are tied, connected. Again. people have this generally, I feel it so heavily it's almost like a weight and until it's gone, I can't move on.
It should feel better to write it and get it out but I don't feel that every time I write, I try so many different ways to explain my feelings, I often think it is so I can understand what I mean and to reason with myself as if to ask *is that how I feel?* But each way is right and I feel all of them at different times. I never feel exactly the same 2 days running, it is very rare that happens. Infact, it is very rare that I am level, though it has beent that way since I was about 14. Shockingly I have always wanted to be dead, though I can't kill myself, although sometimes I think I could do it, I get to the point where I either do it or not and every time I don't. What is that, is is cowardice or guilt? Fear, of not being here anymore to watch the people I love grow and have wonderful lives, that wouldn't happen if I killed myself would it? They wouldn't live happily ever after then would they? But then I guess the reasons for wanting to have my life finished (sometimes) is for selfish reasons, I don't want to be this way anymore, I want the feelings I have (the bad ones) gone. But then again, how will I feel the relief of the pain if I am dead? I'll feel nothing, no pain, but no relief either. I wont be alive to feel better. So ... what do I do, I talk and I write and I hope and I try and I break and I get back up and I fall and I get back up and I hope and I wish and I cry and I beg and I try and I wonder, Is it worth it? What is the point, though I am the first person to admit how terrified of death I am, we are going to die one day anyway and it sure as hell doesnt look like I am going to contribute anything worthwhile to this world (apart for Chloe) so ... what am I here to do? *sigh*
Insight is a wonderful thing, unless you understand it too deeply and look between the lines and for hidden agendas everywhere. I wish there were something magical that you could do to make you feel better, I dont mean drugs and things. I mean naturally better and *nice* :)
Some of the things I do I wish i didn't :
: Smoke the day away
: Play the playstation obssesively
: Have dinner cooked for me every night
Maybe I should turn to the things I don't do, that I wish I did :
: Cook dinner every night
: Clean the house spottlessly everyday
: Iron and be able to hang away clothes in order
: I want to give up smoking
: I want to play the playstation less
: I want to be organised with money and bills
: I want to be able to bake cakes
: I want to have friends and family round for dinner
: I want to sleep peacefully, knowing no-one is going to disturb us. I like it to be dark and quiet, as a night should be and there should be silence in a home at night. Tidy, clean and quiet.
Logically you'd think if that's how you want it then why cant you clean and bake and play home make mother but you see, I can't the oven doesnt work properly and they guys are not tidy guys, they have never been used to having a clean home, I did it when I first moved in but when I went all wrong I stopped doing it, I mean I have always been like that to some extent but it was worse this time around. Anyway, there are a few things on the list for screening. I am either a manic cleaner or I dont do it at all. The latter only when things are bad, as they are now.
Well, I might go now, snuggle up on the couch and contemplate the next few hours, hmmph.. Bum!