i want to love you madly
I'm such a fucking softie. Seriously, I know I can be a huge bitch when I want to be, but you'd be surprised what I've let people do to me and forgiven them for. Not just forgiven, but forgotten. Hell, I'm still good friends with the ex-boyfriend who cheated on me twice and the best friend who used me as an alibi to cheat on her boyfriend. I occasionally talk to the guy I was in love with who strung me along for two years, and the old roommate who moved out on me and left me stranded after two weeks so she could live with her boyfriend. The point is, I don't hold grudges. People have done some fucked up things to me, and I tend to just let it roll off on my back. Maybe not immediately, but I'm not one to put the effort into staying angry at someone.
Lesson learned today: sometimes that effort is deserved.
You would think, after a guy essentially led me on for two months and then decided to do a complete 180 by telling me to go fuck myself because I'm an "evil little cunt," you would THINK, wouldn't you, that I would know not to talk to a guy like that again. And I knew that for a little while, too. For five months I didn't speak to his sorry ass, and never once did I regret that decision. But five months gives time for the anger to fade. The romantic interest was gone, but the curiosity lingered. I wanted to know how he was, if he was ok, what his life was like. I wanted to be friends. Just like I wanted to be friends with my ex-boyfriend, and the old best friends, and the roommate. I can't stay mad, I don't want people mad at me, and luckily for me, none of the exes or old best friends or roommates took advantage of that. We're all happily co-existing now, occasionally (some more than others), and quite civilly (again, some more than others), bumping into each other's worlds. This guy though... this guy. What to even say about THIS guy? World class tool? Douchebag extraordinaire? I don't even know if there are words. What kind of person does it make you to completely kill someone's heart, only to come back and spit in their face for a second time? So, I don't know. As the old saying goes, call me "cunt" once, shame on you. Call me "cunt" twice, shame on me. (I'm paraphrasing.)
Basically what I'm trying to say is that he's pretty much the scum of the earth and not everyone in this life deserves a second chance. I'm also learning that, as much as you might want to tell yourself that your friends and family don't *really* know the situation you've been through, all they know is what you've told them and how could anyone *really* know if they're not you..? Surprise, took me 23 years to figure out they know a HELL of a lot more than you give them credit for. Love, or hate, doesn't blind them the way it does you.
So I'm just boiling in this hot water right now, and pretty soon this shell won't crack.