I can't freaking sleep
I slept for about 2 hours this morning and i woke up at 4.
I feel terrible
I felt terrible when I went to bed last night too
I don't know why.
And my depression set in. Wonderfreakin'ful
It was fine Sunday. It was beautiful and warm and everything
Then, bam...
After playing Perfect World with Panda, I just felt it crash down on me.
Gah it sickens me. And makes me a bitter woman.
Right now I'm on the phone with Chris.
He's stopping me from crying right about now. He has no idea.
He's really helping me out a lot.
~sigh~ Just got off the phone with him after a short break from typing. He's at work now so its understandable.
My left arm hurts so bad right now.
And I still can't sleep.
And then thoughts of self loathing come back to me.
When I was like this before I would write poetry when I talked with Toole
But lately he's been so busy, taking care of his brother and himself, working 2 jobs and going to school.
He's such an amazing guy for his age.
Mom just woke up, its 5:36 AM.
I know my alarms are going to go off around 10 but I can't even envision myself waking up and going to work today.
I know I need to. I'm hurting bad for money.
~sniffle~
One good thing I did yesterday...
Go to my MySpace, I took new pictures.
Very elegant looking pictures as opposed to my white makeup ones I used to take.
I decided to take less of those because it is SO hard to get that makeup off.
I'd be rubbing off white makeup from the back of my ears for 3 days if I did it.
And I have work and other social things i have to worry about.
This is the first time in a long time that I really typed what I was thinking.
This doesn't come easy to me like it used to before.
My heart is so filled with bitterness towards people these days...it's killing me artisticly
I've been finding it hard to write these days...anything. Poetry or story, I've got nothing.
I try to sit back and write and imagine my stories acting out, but when it comes to putting them on paper its like I'm distracted by everything else
At work, I'm distracted by work of course, but in between working and dealing with customers, I try to write in a few lines of my story
Or even during my lunch, I try to write but then I call my mother who eats up my 30 minutes of free time by flapping her yapper (<3)
When I'm at home, I play Perfect World, sure, or I IM people.
But I never feel the urge to write like I did when I was a teenager.
Wow I remember when I was 15-18.
Nothing could stop me from writing my stories
Within those years I wrote about 15 stories.
They weren't very well thought out stories with the most depth to them
But they were generally long, and I finished the majority of them within a month or two of writing them.
Those were depressing years, but I was most focused on myself then. I didn't have things to make me bitter but school and my parents then
Writing was my way of dealing with my parents separation.
Still I have no closure on what happened years ago...
Its been 6 years since then and it still has affects on me but eh....
Boy when I really get to rambling I really get down to it.
its 5:47 now, and I can't decide if I'm ready to go back to sleep.
My body hurts a lot right now. I don't know if i should let my mom know that I am awake at this hour.
I think I'm going to try to force myself into sleep.
I've got to try something
I've got to try to fight these demons in me that stop me from being creative. I don't want to be a bitter woman.
I don't want to be crushed under the weight of the world and sacrifice my creativity to keep me standing.
That's not fair to who I am and who I used to be.
~Pook~
I feel terrible
I felt terrible when I went to bed last night too
I don't know why.
And my depression set in. Wonderfreakin'ful
It was fine Sunday. It was beautiful and warm and everything
Then, bam...
After playing Perfect World with Panda, I just felt it crash down on me.
Gah it sickens me. And makes me a bitter woman.
Right now I'm on the phone with Chris.
He's stopping me from crying right about now. He has no idea.
He's really helping me out a lot.
~sigh~ Just got off the phone with him after a short break from typing. He's at work now so its understandable.
My left arm hurts so bad right now.
And I still can't sleep.
And then thoughts of self loathing come back to me.
When I was like this before I would write poetry when I talked with Toole
But lately he's been so busy, taking care of his brother and himself, working 2 jobs and going to school.
He's such an amazing guy for his age.
Mom just woke up, its 5:36 AM.
I know my alarms are going to go off around 10 but I can't even envision myself waking up and going to work today.
I know I need to. I'm hurting bad for money.
~sniffle~
One good thing I did yesterday...
Go to my MySpace, I took new pictures.
Very elegant looking pictures as opposed to my white makeup ones I used to take.
I decided to take less of those because it is SO hard to get that makeup off.
I'd be rubbing off white makeup from the back of my ears for 3 days if I did it.
And I have work and other social things i have to worry about.
This is the first time in a long time that I really typed what I was thinking.
This doesn't come easy to me like it used to before.
My heart is so filled with bitterness towards people these days...it's killing me artisticly
I've been finding it hard to write these days...anything. Poetry or story, I've got nothing.
I try to sit back and write and imagine my stories acting out, but when it comes to putting them on paper its like I'm distracted by everything else
At work, I'm distracted by work of course, but in between working and dealing with customers, I try to write in a few lines of my story
Or even during my lunch, I try to write but then I call my mother who eats up my 30 minutes of free time by flapping her yapper (<3)
When I'm at home, I play Perfect World, sure, or I IM people.
But I never feel the urge to write like I did when I was a teenager.
Wow I remember when I was 15-18.
Nothing could stop me from writing my stories
Within those years I wrote about 15 stories.
They weren't very well thought out stories with the most depth to them
But they were generally long, and I finished the majority of them within a month or two of writing them.
Those were depressing years, but I was most focused on myself then. I didn't have things to make me bitter but school and my parents then
Writing was my way of dealing with my parents separation.
Still I have no closure on what happened years ago...
Its been 6 years since then and it still has affects on me but eh....
Boy when I really get to rambling I really get down to it.
its 5:47 now, and I can't decide if I'm ready to go back to sleep.
My body hurts a lot right now. I don't know if i should let my mom know that I am awake at this hour.
I think I'm going to try to force myself into sleep.
I've got to try something
I've got to try to fight these demons in me that stop me from being creative. I don't want to be a bitter woman.
I don't want to be crushed under the weight of the world and sacrifice my creativity to keep me standing.
That's not fair to who I am and who I used to be.
~Pook~