DID
**sigh**
i've been having a pretty rough time as of late. confused, upset, angry, the whole nine yards. i've been having fits of rage over small things like the cats fighting or the computer freezing. i've been feeling so depressed lately that all i wanna do is cry. i've talked to ben about it last night so he knows now. he knows what i feel and what i've done. he knows, but he doesn't know what to do about it. i guess he almost feels helpless. i don't blame him. i have a dr appointment on monday and i'm going to have to force myself to go. i can't miss it b/c i haven't gotten back the results from my lithium blood test and they've threatened to not give me my meds if i don't go this time. i don't wanna go though. i don't feel that comfy talking with Deana anymore. i like her very much, but i just don't feel comfy enough to tell her what's really on my mind and what's really bothering me. i don't understand why i feel that way, but i do. i feel like i have this bright red neon sign above my head that says, "talk to me, i'm messed up" when i'm in her office, but she kinda beats around the bush and she talks about her life a lot and some of her other patients. she doesn't tell me their names or anything.. but she says stuff like, "yeah that reminds me of one of my other patients... blah blah." just upsetting.
i think i might have DID too. Disassociative Identity Disorder. I've been looking it up and most of the symptoms fit me. Almost all of them though. i read them to ben and he said, "doesnt that sound like every other disorder though?" that struck a nerve with me. i was completely serious and i feel like he wasnt taking me serious at all. i feel like he things i'm some kinda (insert word here for someone who is always sick or who claims to have everything wrong with them - cant think of word right now). just makes me mad.
was in walmart today and almost had a panic attack. scary as hell really. luckily ben was with me and i got to talk to him. i just kept repeating, "i'm really really upset now ben. i'm really really upset..." over and over again. i felt like leaving the buggy in the middle of the store and running out or laying down on the gound and bawling all at the same time. i did neither. we left very soon after that.
our first anniversary is tomorow. well today now actually. january 28. doesnt feel like we've been married a whole year yet. amazing. we've made it this far and that says a lot. i love him so much though. yeah there are things that bug me about him, but i'm sure that is with everyone. there could bt a lot more wrong here. he's very undersatanding and he does work full time and go to school full time to support us. i told him after spring break i was going to go out and get a good job, but one that i can just walk into. an easy one.. that way he wont have to work so hard anymore. i've told him how much i appreciate what he's doing for me and for us. i just hope he remembers it. most of the time he doesn't. it seems like he's got his head in the clounds most of the time. i really do need him now though. i dont know what we have planned for tomorrow. he told me he wanted to plan it, so i just gave up thinking of ideas. i know its not going to be anything extravagent, but thats ok :) we arent extravagent people, lol.
oprah had this preview thingy i saw today. it said somthing like, "do you think you can live on minimum wage? meet a few people that do. see their daily struggles to pay their bills.. blah blah." what kinda shit is that? since when has it been ok to take hardworking people and make them a sideshow of wonder and pitty? shit we've done that for 2, almost 3 years now. we havent gotten a damn thing... and you know what? we dont really need it. we're happy.. yeah we dont have a lot of money, but when you dont have a lot of money you find ways other than money to make you happy. i just dont think oprah (with her millions of dollars) should bring people like that on her show so others can take pity of them. they arent doing anything to help us, so why show us off? Sheesh.
anyway, i'm done ranting i think... enough for tonight anyway... now time to sleep i hope. night night wulfie....
-WoLf
i've been having a pretty rough time as of late. confused, upset, angry, the whole nine yards. i've been having fits of rage over small things like the cats fighting or the computer freezing. i've been feeling so depressed lately that all i wanna do is cry. i've talked to ben about it last night so he knows now. he knows what i feel and what i've done. he knows, but he doesn't know what to do about it. i guess he almost feels helpless. i don't blame him. i have a dr appointment on monday and i'm going to have to force myself to go. i can't miss it b/c i haven't gotten back the results from my lithium blood test and they've threatened to not give me my meds if i don't go this time. i don't wanna go though. i don't feel that comfy talking with Deana anymore. i like her very much, but i just don't feel comfy enough to tell her what's really on my mind and what's really bothering me. i don't understand why i feel that way, but i do. i feel like i have this bright red neon sign above my head that says, "talk to me, i'm messed up" when i'm in her office, but she kinda beats around the bush and she talks about her life a lot and some of her other patients. she doesn't tell me their names or anything.. but she says stuff like, "yeah that reminds me of one of my other patients... blah blah." just upsetting.
i think i might have DID too. Disassociative Identity Disorder. I've been looking it up and most of the symptoms fit me. Almost all of them though. i read them to ben and he said, "doesnt that sound like every other disorder though?" that struck a nerve with me. i was completely serious and i feel like he wasnt taking me serious at all. i feel like he things i'm some kinda (insert word here for someone who is always sick or who claims to have everything wrong with them - cant think of word right now). just makes me mad.
was in walmart today and almost had a panic attack. scary as hell really. luckily ben was with me and i got to talk to him. i just kept repeating, "i'm really really upset now ben. i'm really really upset..." over and over again. i felt like leaving the buggy in the middle of the store and running out or laying down on the gound and bawling all at the same time. i did neither. we left very soon after that.
our first anniversary is tomorow. well today now actually. january 28. doesnt feel like we've been married a whole year yet. amazing. we've made it this far and that says a lot. i love him so much though. yeah there are things that bug me about him, but i'm sure that is with everyone. there could bt a lot more wrong here. he's very undersatanding and he does work full time and go to school full time to support us. i told him after spring break i was going to go out and get a good job, but one that i can just walk into. an easy one.. that way he wont have to work so hard anymore. i've told him how much i appreciate what he's doing for me and for us. i just hope he remembers it. most of the time he doesn't. it seems like he's got his head in the clounds most of the time. i really do need him now though. i dont know what we have planned for tomorrow. he told me he wanted to plan it, so i just gave up thinking of ideas. i know its not going to be anything extravagent, but thats ok :) we arent extravagent people, lol.
oprah had this preview thingy i saw today. it said somthing like, "do you think you can live on minimum wage? meet a few people that do. see their daily struggles to pay their bills.. blah blah." what kinda shit is that? since when has it been ok to take hardworking people and make them a sideshow of wonder and pitty? shit we've done that for 2, almost 3 years now. we havent gotten a damn thing... and you know what? we dont really need it. we're happy.. yeah we dont have a lot of money, but when you dont have a lot of money you find ways other than money to make you happy. i just dont think oprah (with her millions of dollars) should bring people like that on her show so others can take pity of them. they arent doing anything to help us, so why show us off? Sheesh.
anyway, i'm done ranting i think... enough for tonight anyway... now time to sleep i hope. night night wulfie....
-WoLf